Personal question- how do you cope and not feel like a disspointment? — The Bump
Trouble TTC

Personal question- how do you cope and not feel like a disspointment?

Hello all!

I am just wondering how everyone copes with getting BFN month after month after month?

It honestly feels incredibly horrible to see that negative every month. I sometimes see myself feeling like I am a disappointment. I usually am a strong person; however, I always ask myself how is it fair for others and not for myself.

How do you cope and remain positive after so many struggles?

Re: Personal question- how do you cope and not feel like a disspointment?

  • I try to focus on the good that I do have in my life. A great supportive husband, great family and friends and many glasses of Cabernet. I tell myself to live my life to the fullest and take advantage of this time that it's just me and DH. DH and I love going to concerts so we go to as many as we can and that always gives me something to look forward too.

    Find something you love doing and do it more often!

    Married 8/6/2011 Me (26) DH (33) SA normal,HSG clear TTC since August 2011 7/2012 50mg Clomid+Trigger+IUI+progesterone =BFN 8/2012 100mg Clomid+estrogen+Trigger+IUI+progestrone=BFN 10/2012 100mg clomid+Gonal+Lupron+Trigger+Progestrone+IUI=BFP but ectopic.
    2redtulipsSigh202mnpigford11
  • Megwill,

    Thank you for your response. I try to focus on the good, too. However, I feel at times, after 2 years of trying it is hard to see any good. It's hard to see women who don't care about parenting become pregnant. It's hard to not understand why becoming pregnant is out of reach when we do things that we are suppose to.

    It's hard.
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  • I tell myself there's no point in beating myself up about it and that continually focusing on the negative isn't really doing anyone any good.  And then I just suck it up and take it one day at a time.  It's easier said than done and takes a lot of practice.
    imageimage


    Alexander - 8/9/14
    2redtulipsJessicaLL070
  • It's incredibly unfair.  One of the things that helps me cope is coming on here and venting with women who know exactly how I feel.  It also helps to see that there are plenty of women who have stood exactly where we stand who get their elusive BFP. Just keep swimming...
    Me: 34 | He: 40
    TTC since 08/2012
    DX: DOR




    mnpigford11
  • It been over 2 years for me too. I'm sorry you're having a rough time! I think for me I'm just so over the heart break that I don't allow myself to get my hopes up or dwell on the things like I used like why do people who don't want/deserve kids get them and why its so hard for others that deserve it don't etc. I totally get where you are and I'm sorry your dealing with this. **hugs**
    Married 8/6/2011 Me (26) DH (33) SA normal,HSG clear TTC since August 2011 7/2012 50mg Clomid+Trigger+IUI+progesterone =BFN 8/2012 100mg Clomid+estrogen+Trigger+IUI+progestrone=BFN 10/2012 100mg clomid+Gonal+Lupron+Trigger+Progestrone+IUI=BFP but ectopic.
    JessicaLL070
  • It is hard and everyone struggles with it... I often blame myself especially since I am the one with the fertility issues not my husband.  I feel like I have "let him down".  Somedays I have to just cry and yell and get it out.
    megwill126 has said- focusing on the good.
    I am trying to live a life of thankfulness.... really focusing on my blessings.  I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for. I am also trying very hard to do things for others as much as possible.  IF can make you very self centered. (not in an egotistical way just self focused really)  How could it not...the focus is so much on yourself and your body etc... I know I turn very inward especially in a medicated cycle.  Staying busy helping others, volunteering etc... helps me not think so much about what is going on with me and I am less depressed.

    it is hard... don't beat yourself up we all struggle... find your thing that helps you get through it!
    ***siggy/ticker warning***

    Me:36 DH:38 TTC#1 since 4/2012
    Me DX: Hashimotos,Hypothyroid, DOR, MTHFR,  DH: normal

     IUI #1-#4 BFNs and a few cancelled cycles in the mix.
    - poor responder
    ***Suprise BFP on 6/13/13. Natural MC @6wks 3days
    IVF#1 and 2- Cancelled due to no response on max stimms
    FET 5/20- BFP
    1st Beta- 641
    2nd beta- 2166
    Sono- TWINS!!!!
    Two Boys! Born January 2015 @36 weeks.  Healthy and no NICU!  So blessed!



    image 

    megwill126JessicaLL070
  • Aliletz,

    Thank you for your response. I too try to suck it up and go on with my day, then a baby commercial will come on, or something. I try not to beat myself up about it since I know that can cause more problems- I just find it hard not to. I find it hard to take it one day at a time...
  • Ronnie's girl,

    Thank you! I was reluctant to post on here at first. My DH is supportive and has been, but I do find it hard at times to fully vent to him. Without being self center, it's like there are times where I want to be able to vent all of the time and get comforted because it is hard to go Through this. I know, how rude of me to put myself above others needs and issues. But sometimes I do feel that way. When we get the BFN I need to be supported because if not I feel like its me and my body letting us down....
    ronniesgirl1981
  • Megwill,

    Thank you for all of your responses. You hit the nail on the head. I am still in the heart break stages. I still get t hopes up everything and consume myself with happy thoughts and confidence- all to see BFN.

    I dwell when I see others who never wanted kids or who don't appreciate what they have. It's rages me. I always have that negative outlook because it truly is not fair. Then, of course, when you get the BFN babies and pregnant women seem to be everywhere all of the time.

    If you don't mind me asking, how did you get past the heartbreak stage while still remaining optimistic?

    **hug back!**
  • Ksgsmu,

    Thank you for your wonderful response. I have been trying my best to stay busy. My DH calls me the cleaning nazi because I am always cleaning, redecorating, reorganizing, etc. I volunteer at places, am active in our church and our small town events, and participate in everything that seem appealing. We own a construction business and that usually keeps us tie down. However, it doesn't take much to see a baby or encounter someone pregnant that alters your positive tunnel vision. Then, I'm out for the count... I just cannot seem to get past the phase of looking past it while staying positive and patiently waiting for my turn..
  • I guess I should add that I just completed another round of clomid and AF was three days late!

    No cramping- nothing! I had nothing but high hopes. This morning AF came and crushed it. That is why this posting seems so angry and emotional..
  • Megwill,

    Thank you for all of your responses. You hit the nail on the head. I am still in the heart break stages. I still get t hopes up everything and consume myself with happy thoughts and confidence- all to see BFN.

    I dwell when I see others who never wanted kids or who don't appreciate what they have. It's rages me. I always have that negative outlook because it truly is not fair. Then, of course, when you get the BFN babies and pregnant women seem to be everywhere all of the time.

    If you don't mind me asking, how did you get past the heartbreak stage while still remaining optimistic?

    **hug back!**

    It just kind if happened. I got so sick of going into a week long depression every time someone mentioned they were pregnant or so and so was pregnant. I filled my time with doing things that made me happy and eventually when some announced their pregnancy I was suddenly ok with it.

    another thing that helped me is I would try to plan things in advance so I always had something to look forward too. Whether it be a mini trip, a play, concert etc. I also always plan outings with friends or get togethers at the house but I make them some sort a theme so it's more fun and more if an event. Hope this helps!

    Married 8/6/2011 Me (26) DH (33) SA normal,HSG clear TTC since August 2011 7/2012 50mg Clomid+Trigger+IUI+progesterone =BFN 8/2012 100mg Clomid+estrogen+Trigger+IUI+progestrone=BFN 10/2012 100mg clomid+Gonal+Lupron+Trigger+Progestrone+IUI=BFP but ectopic.
    JessicaLL070
  • I think it's a grieving process, and you can't fully go through grieving it while you are still holding out hope that it will happen. That's what makes it so darn hard - that living in limbo. 

    Like megwill said, I try to focus on the good I have in my life *right now.* I don't even let myself fantasize about a future child (at least not for long), although I definitely keep that precious shred of hope in my heart. I try to stop and notice what is good in my life today and appreciate that, while trusting that the future will play out as it is meant to.

    Also, some days you should just let yourself be sad. It is hard, and it is ok to let those feelings come. Give yourself an hour, two hours, a day to be sad and then look for something positive.

    _______________________________________________________________________
    First-time mom, 35+, parenting after a loss (mmc Oct. 2012 @ 8 wks), ttc for a year after loss

    CafeMom Tickers


    January PAL siggie challenge; Good advice:
    image 

    megwill126JessicaLL070
  • Megwill, Thank you for your response. I try to focus on the good, too. However, I feel at times, after 2 years of trying it is hard to see any good. It's hard to see women who don't care about parenting become pregnant. It's hard to not understand why becoming pregnant is out of reach when we do things that we are suppose to. It's hard.
    I was and somewhat still am bitter to this fact. I just remind myself that it was their time and not mine. And I try to focus on the positive in my life! What do you enjoy doing? Focus on that! I also try to remind myself that things could be a lot worse!

     

    image
    My Ovulation Chart

    TTC #1 since March 2010

    DH - SA = Low Morphology. Great overall count.

    August 2012: HSG - All Clear

    September 2012: Timed Intercourse 100 mg Clomid CD 4-8 w/ Repronex & HCG Injections = BFN

    October 2012: Timed Intercourse 100 mg Clomid CD 4-8 = BFN

    September 2013: New Doctor: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9 & IUI #1 = BFN

    October 2013: 50 mg Clomid CD 3-7 & IUI #2 = BFN 

    November 2013 to ??? = On a mental break for now.

    JessicaLL070
  • sarannesaranne member
    edited November 2013

    Month after month is so hard to deal with especially when it seems like life is moving on for everyone but us. This month I have really been enjoying my daily 'I'm thankful for...' posts on facebook as they force me to realize, and think about every day, just how lucky I am.

    I also recently had a great open conversation with a friend with adoptive kids who really made me feel amazing about other possibilities that are out there. I have been spending a lot of time thinking lately about when will 'enough' be enough and we may have to move on without a kid of our own.  Knowing that I can still have all the things that are important in life in relation to having kids regardless of what happens with our IF has really helped me be less stressed this month.

    I still have teary moments frequently, but that's ok as long as I'm not dwelling in them.   And to all the 'bitter' posts above, you aren't alone in that either. I don't know how you can not feel that way. If anyone knows how to get rid of that, I'm all ears :)

     

    TTC Since July 2011  34 years old Unexplained IF
    3 failed IUI's, 6/2013 - IUI #4 150mg clomid, BFP, 7 weeks heartbeat, M/C at 9 weeks

    IUI#5 (Oct) & 6 (Nov) 150mg clomid -BFN

    Last IUI on 12/7 and that's the end of the road...onto adoption if that is what is meant to be for us. 


  • **Big Hugs**

    I totally know how you feel. We're just about at our two-year mark and in that time I've had 3 family members and 6 friends all have babies. It's been hard but like everyone else has said, I just try to think of the positive. When I'm having a really bad day, I'll go for a drive, scream along to some music then come home and drink a gin and tonic with DH. I just have to remember that we're in this together and when it's meant to be, it'll happen.

    TTC since 01/2011
    07/2013 - First round of testing  - CD21 and CD3 blood tests and HSG  + multiple SAs for DH
    07/2013 - Diagnosis - Anovulatory and DH has very low counts - Referral to urologist for further testing
    08/2013 - Urologist showed varcocele veins and testicular defect from birth. Unable to repair
    11/2013 - Consult with RE regarding treatment. Benched due to finances
    2014/2015 - Took break from pursuing treatment, moved to a new province
    06/2016 - DH redid SA as per direction from new family doctor - Counts have increased!!
    07/2016 - Consult with new RE - ordered a repeat HSG
    09/2016 - Providing no issues on HSG - Scheduled to start first IUI with Clomid
    01/17/2017 - First IUI with Clomid - BFP - M/C @ 9 weeks

    Come on Baby "B"! Time to come out and play!

  • I let myself be upset when I test and get a BFN. I usually feel a lot better when my period comes, I guess 'cause it means i'm ready to move onto the next cycle. I used to have a cigarette when I got my period but i'm having too many breathing problems so I can't even do that. After all of these failed cycles, I don't know what to do to stay positive so i'm trying to find the answers as well. Coming to this board has helped and I love the support system. I have a therapist as well who I just started seeing and so far, and that has helped a bit. Good luck and I hope you are able to find ways to remain positive. 

    Me and DH: 32, TTC since 2/2012
    Dx: lean PCOS, low hormone levels, 2 CP's before seeing RE, MTHFR heterozygous
    IUI #1 with clomid and ovidrel: BFN
    IUI #2 with clomid (unresponsive), femara, ovidrel and novarel: Possible CP
    IUI #3 with femara, ovidrel and novarel: BFN
    IUI #4 with Follistim (115 iu) and ovidrel= BFN, developed OHSS, benched- 2 weeks of birth control pills
    IUI #5 with Follistim (75iu) and ovidrel= BFN........Taking a medication break for a few months
    IUI #6 with Follistim (75iu) every other day, femara and Lupron trigger= BFN
    *Taking a long break to get healthy and research/prepare for IVF*
    Goal: gain 5 lbs, gluten/dairy/soy/nut free
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    3T June Siggy Challenge- Celebrity Crush: Woody Harrelson
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  • It is incredibly unfair & it does hurt to see so many others falling pregnant do easily! What the others said is so true - trying not to dwell & filling your life with happy, positive things. I realised I couldn't just put my life on hold so I've stopped the forward planning in the hopes it may include baby and am trying to stay busy & put my focus & energy into other things. Saying that, I still have a cry every BFN... Completely normal & natural :)
    JessicaLL070
  • Allow yourself the day to be upset. I got AF today too so I decided to go home early from work and do what I want. Like PPs said, try to stay busy on fun things. I have allowed myself to get excited about Christmas early this year (already listening to the music and gift shopping). I find that my hardest moments are when I'm alone and bored so I try to keep that from happening. At the end of the day, find whatever it is that helps you cope. It's hard, but hang in there!!!
    KLS1003.2

    BabyFetus Ticker
    JessicaLL070
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