NBSR: need advice re: family and holiday gift giving

Meery82 · November 2013

I need some advice on how I should handle this. DH and I agree that we do not want our families buying us Christmas gifts. We do not want to buy gifts for them. We'd rather just enjoy Christmas for what it is. I know they will want to buy gifts for DS, which is fine, especially since he is really the only little kid on both sides. Of course we don't expect them to buy him gifts, but I know they will anyway. DH and I feel that they should save their money, we will save ours, we don't need to buy each other Christmas presents. IMO, Christmas presents are mostly for children anyway. We are all adults (minus DS). DH has told his mother in the past, even before DS was around, that she did not need to buy us gifts. We had all agreed to just do a white elephant gift exchange (for reference, my family and DHs family have Christmas together). In the years past, his mother has always bought us personal gifts anyway. A lot of them. And them we show up with white elephant gifts only and feel like assholes because we didn't get her anything. Of course I always show gratitude and thank her for the gifts. So does DH.

Another past issue, a few years ago when I was pregnant with DS, my brother got his first real job and decided he wanted to hog wild with Christmas. That's fine, but he wanted me to split a $600 ipad with him to give to our mother. I told him we are having a child in 6 months and cannot afford to be throwing down that kind of money. I ended paying a third of it, and he said that was ok, but I still felt like a cheap asshole. And he bought me an expensive gift, therefore it felt like I needed to reciprocate, which I did.

I guess I'm just asking how we can nip these issues in the bud and stick with our original plan of white elephant only and not go broke for Christmas?

ArgyleBride · November 2013

Get an inexpensive but thoughtful gift and stick to it. If you are really thinking about how to please the recipient, you have nothing to feel ashamed of and should not feel pressure to spend more. Nothing, on the other hand, can be hurtful--because there *are* thoughtful, inexpensive gifts out there, so the unfortunate implication is not that you cannot spare the money, but that you do not care enough to expend the energy.

That is, of course, only the harshest possible interpretation, and many people (such as myself) would be happier doing the no-gift thing--but it seems like your mom is not one of those people.

nunzchucks · November 2013

If they are really set on giving gifts, maybe suggest a gift exchange and everyone donates to their person's charity of choice. We are doing this with my family this year. Plus, if you itemize, you can deduct the amount from your taxes!

EastCoastBride · November 2013

In the end, you can only control your behavior. If you don't want to give gifts, then don't. Either after a year or two of not getting anything from you, people will realize "Oh- she really isn't going to give us gifts" and they'll stop. OR they won't stop because they really truly get joy out of giving and they don't care about getting anything in return.

To be blunt, it's on YOU that you feel like an asshole. If you dont' want to give/give a lot, then DON'T. You've told them this in the past. It's on THEM for not listening.

But at the same time, if his mom really enjoys giving gifts - it's not your place to dictate that she can no longer do this.

JUST LIKE they can't dictate to you that you MUST give gifts.

Helenahhandbasket · November 2013

I think the feelings you are having are self imposed-- try to shake them off.

I think not exchanging gifts is totally fine. If your mother wants to get you and you H lots of gifts, let her. That is on her. Accept them gracefully and move on.

You can not control what other people do. You can only control your reaction to it.

74dragonfly · November 2013

The white elephant thing as I know it, silly cheeky gifts, only works if everyone wants to. Personally I hate them. I think you should instead give nothing or give small things like fruit basket or other similar gifts. It sounds like his family wants to give gifts and not white elephant. Imo if you can afford to I'd give small gifts and accept gifts graciously.

Meery82 · November 2013

Thanks everyone. Just for clarification, it is DHs mother who continues to buy us loads of gifts, not my mom. I do think she truly enjoys buying and giving gifts, so I will just let it go. This is pretty much my only complaint about my MIL, so I guess I should be happy about that. She's an awesome MIL!

Everyone does want to do the white elephant thing. It was actually MILs idea. She just wants to buy personal gifts in addition to that.

I think I will go with the idea of just sticking with inexpensive, thoughtful gifts. Those are my favorite anyway!

Thanks again ladies!

wittyschaffy · November 2013

You don't get to tell her how to spend her money. If you've told her that she doesn't need to get you anything and she continues to do so, you need to let it go. Lots of people genuinely enjoy buying special things for the people they love. Enjoy the generosity!

Nicolewinsbingo · November 2013

Inexpensive gift ideas: knit hats or scarves. Photo gifts (mug, calendar, high quality 8x11, framed photo). Mug from dollar store stuffed with their favorite candy along with a handmade card. A $10/$5 giftcard to starbucks. A tin (from dollar store) stuffed with assorted homemade cookies, fudge, caramels, what have you. A themed gift of small things, like if you have a teenage girl who loves snowboarding/iceskating you could do a new chapstick, a pair of those thin gloves with the tips that can be used with smart phones (not tips cut off...Target sells a kind that you can use your phone while wearing), a packet of those hand warmers (the kind that lasts an hour), a small packet of tissues, and maybe a cheap travel mug with apacket of Swiss Miss.

The possibilities are endless and it need not cost much money...it costs time, consideration and effort to show your love.

RebeccaY1 · November 2013

Since you told them that you won't be participating in gift giving I wouldn't worry too much about it. I only hate it when every year people participate and then one year they choose not to but don't tell anyone. While Christmas isn't about gift giving, but it's still rude to say nothing but expect others to give you gifts.

neverblushed · November 2013

My sister and I decided a few years ago that we would stop exchanging Christmas gifts. Instead, she and her H and me and my H go out to a nice dinner 2x/year. They treat for one dinner; we treat for the other. We try to find a fun, interesting restaurant that the other couple has never been to before. It's so much more fun and meaningful than agonizing over what to buy each other. And we get to spend an evening together without the grandparents or the kids -- nice!

They still get our kids gifts, and we still get them gifts from our kids, but these are small. They don't have kids, but if they do, I'll always want to get their kids gifts.

Sam Buttons · November 2013

I just thought I'd share what we do, because it works well for my family. We put everyone's names in a hat (siblings, spouses and our parents) and everyone draws a name - we do a separate hat for the kids (the cousins) and we give just that person a gift. The gift itself has to be homemade or locally made, so you are either making it yourself or supporting a local artisan. I think it's a great compromise where you are giving one, thoughtful gift and not just giving gifts for the sake of giving them.

CJFantasia · November 2013

What about adopting a family as a family. You could go through a church or school to fine a family in need. Each participant adds whatever they planned to spend on gifts to the "pot". Make a family day of shopping for what the family needs, you could start by going out to breakfast and making a game plan for what the needy family needs. Instead of buying gifts for each other spend the time together and give the gifts to the family in need.

End the day wrapping, and cooking for a family dinner.

Meery82 · November 2013

Lots of great idea! Thanks everyone!

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