I've reached my limit. What do I do now?

virginiagirl11 · November 2013

So I'm there. That place where you can't be spread any thinner. I'm falling more and more behind in every single aspect of my life. I'm way beyond strung out and so is DH (self-employed and already carrying more than his share of the weight around here), and I'm seriously about to drop every single ball. I can't take this anymore. Something has got to change.

What do you do when you reach that point?

iverske9 · November 2013

That is the point where I need to reach out to my support system beyond my husband. I will reach out to family and friends and see where or how I can make things easier. If work can't change, then I will consider a cleaning lady, meal plan, showering at night, mommy's helper.

But most important it sounds like you need a day off to recharge without kids, and life. Work, bills, kids, and responsibility will always be there. Take a "sick" day from work and drop the kids off still to daycare and take a nap, go get a massage, whatever it is to recharge. If you can do an overnight alone, even better.

Things can get so crazy, and then you feel like everything is closing in...step back and relax and then see what can be taken off your plate (stop saying yes to things you shouldn't).

Good luck momma and we have all been there and will again.

shakinros · November 2013

Cry a lot. Leave the dishes in the sink (or let's be real, on the table) and go to bed an hour early with my kindle. Come here and read threads on the bump boards.

virginiagirl11 · November 2013

Thanks, ladies. I have either done all of those things (aside from drinking heavily, ha) or can't afford them. My sanity is not the only thing in short supply around here; money is tighter than it's ever been as well. We're already paying an exorbitant amount of money for childcare so I can't afford to outsource anything else.

We have no family even remotely close to us and all of our friends have their own craziness to deal with without taking ours on as well.

We do grocery/supplies delivery when possible through Amazon.com and I can't run out on my lunch breaks to do errands, unfortunately, because I leave an hour early every day to get the car to DH so that he can pick up DS1 from daycare before they close and I can get home to DS2 so that the babysitter can leave. My boss is already not happy with this arrangement but is tolerating it.

I did The Fresh 20 meal plan while I was pregnant with DS2, but don't have the money or time to keep up with new meals & ingredients each week now. I'm just relying on my failproof rotation of like 10 different fast/easy/healthy meals.

I've taken a day off here or there and it definitely helps but I have limited PTO and need to save most of my days for flu season, babysitter cancellations, Dr. appts, and holiday trips.

I only do laundry and cleaning as needed and I don't fold the laundry...it just sits in a pile until we go through it. I do do the dishes every night because we need bottles the next day.

Sorry, I don't mean to shoot your suggestions down because they're good ones! It's just that I've tried everything I can think of aside from making drastic changes and they just turn out to be bandaids. Nothing truly fixes the situation.

Virgo17 · November 2013

You also have to keep in mind that you have a toddler and an infant. Things will get easier as they get older. I agree with previous suggestions about taking a look at your childcare arrangement. Do you only have one car? Would it be cheaper to hire a nanny or do a nanny share? It could eliminate the drop off/pick up difficulties. If there is a way to rearrange your schedule to allow for that hour lunch, I think that would help. I enjoy having that time to eat lunch with a coworker and decompress, or run to the grocery store so I don't have to do it on evenings and weekends.

Hang in there, things will get easier!

AmberDerek · November 2013

Grocery delivery is the best! I also make a list of what I need at the store and only go once a week on my way home from work. If I forget something or need something last minute I send DH to do it. I try and do a load of laundry every other day so I don't have to spend all weekend doing it. I don't do a lot of deep cleaning very often.

I also try to limit weekend plans to one thing if possible so that we are not running around all weekend long. I hate looking at the calendar and seeing that we have plans every weekend day.

DiveFrog · November 2013

Lower your standards/expectations. Look at your situation from a new perspective. If you and your family are healthy, if your kids are happy and growing, if your DH is happy with you and the kids and if there is at least enough money to pay the bills and feed and clothe all of you than things are good.

It seems like money and time are the big stressors for you right now. Cut down the schedule where you can. Say no more than you say yes. Hit up your friends for some help too. Yes they too are in the same crazy hectic place, but that just means they understand. You can trade off giving each other a break now and then.

And I ditto pp poster that mentioned reviewing your finances and financial goals. Review the budget can you cut cable, cell phone plans, gym membership your too busy to actually use? Shop around your services like car and homeowner's insurance. If you need more specific help I second asking the Money Matters board they are very helpful and have a lot of financial knowledge. Sometimes freeing up just a small amount every month is enough to relieve the stress.

Ncstatemom · November 2013

Instead of grocery delivery, Harris Teeter (local grocery but others do as well) have the pick up option. Basically you order online and then go to a pick up lane and they put it in the car for you...the fee is $4.95 and totally worth the $5 bucks.

Also, as PP said, keep in mind, this is the "worst" stage when you have an infant/toddler. It will get better!

I also highly recommend getting your kids at the same daycare if at all possible...we pay $$$ for this but it was worth re-working our budget to make it happen.

KL777 · November 2013

Sorry to hear this! I can imagine that it would be a lot with two little ones. I would suggest streamlining your budget, as pps have mentioned. Eliminate bills that you don't need in order to free up additional funds. Not being super tight on money will help alleviate some pressures.

Secondly, I would recommend getting your kids in one child care facility. I can imagine, that would be pretty expensive, but I know it would save you and your husband a lot of time transporting them back and forth.

Thirdly, get your lunch hour back. It's not good for anyone to work all day with no breaks. During my lunch hour I eat, do my Bible study homework, take a mini nap, and talk on the phone to DH.

Lastly, do the best you can, don't over do it. For example, even though I would like to sweep the kitchen floor every time a crumb is on it, I'll typically let it sit there until I have the energy and time to sweep it.

Oh, don't forget to get your "me" time, and do it every day. It doesn't have to be an entire day. Maybe you like drinking tea while watching something on HGTV. I recommend the book "Tweak It" Doing what matters to you every week.

Hang in there!

jschmidt6 · November 2013

I was having a similarly bad day last week too. Baby had a cold and was sleeping horribly, I was working on a crappy week long project at work, DH and I were having a "feeling broke week" and my dog brought a giant stick through the doggie door and chomped it to bits on the carpet while we were at work. Then on my way to work the next day I saw this homeless guy on the side of the interstate ramp off to the side with a dog beside him. He had his jacket wrapped around the dog and they were sitting there together in the cold. I pulled off the interstate, bought him and his dog Chic fil A and coffee and circled around and gave it to him. He was incredibly thankful and said someone had dropped off a bag of dog food earlier. I was so much happier the rest of the day knowing that I made a tiny difference. That night I cried in bed thinking about how petty my problems were compared to his. I know your problems aren't petty at all, they are very real and serious, but just thought I would suggest that sometimes happiness can be found in unconventional places.

becks2012 · November 2013

I joined a gym. I go every day on my lunch hour. I sometimes feel like it's a little wasteful, because by the time I get in my car, leave work, get there, get changed, I have exactly 22 minutes to work out before I have to reverse the process. I don't do anything super stressful. Usually, I walk on the treadmill, or jump on the eliptical and watch the price is right. But it's a little bit of time for me, and it's only 10 dollars a month. It doesn't fix anything, but it makes me feel like I can handle things a bit better.

Ago · November 2013

I remind myself of something I learned: Cycle the Neglect. You can't give 100% to all components of your life, so take turns on which components you give more to, and which get neglected for a bit. It is like a PP said: good enough is perfect.

blushingbride_08 · November 2013

Take a"mental day" off from work. Spend the day alone. Send your LO to daycare or hire a sitter. Make a list (I love lists) with your goals. Career, mental/education, physical/fitness, family, personal, financial goals. Write down a sub list under each goal of howyou can make small steps toward it. Be realistic and give yourself a deadline. So if you want work/life balance as a goal some steps to that may be to not take on additional projects at work, do things more efficiently at home like meal plan, get a nanny, cleaning service, schedule date nights, vacation. Whatever you feel is realistic to meeting your goal. Take your list and prioritize the goals and do it. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I'm anal so this approach works for me. Good luck!

KKCARLS · November 2013

virginiagirl11 said:

Thanks, ladies. I have either done all of those things (aside from drinking heavily, ha) or can't afford them. My sanity is not the only thing in short supply around here; money is tighter than it's ever been as well. We're already paying an exorbitant amount of money for childcare so I can't afford to outsource anything else.

We have no family even remotely close to us and all of our friends have their own craziness to deal with without taking ours on as well.

We do grocery/supplies delivery when possible through Amazon.com and I can't run out on my lunch breaks to do errands, unfortunately, because I leave an hour early every day to get the car to DH so that he can pick up DS1 from daycare before they close and I can get home to DS2 so that the babysitter can leave. My boss is already not happy with this arrangement but is tolerating it.

I did The Fresh 20 meal plan while I was pregnant with DS2, but don't have the money or time to keep up with new meals & ingredients each week now. I'm just relying on my failproof rotation of like 10 different fast/easy/healthy meals.

I've taken a day off here or there and it definitely helps but I have limited PTO and need to save most of my days for flu season, babysitter cancellations, Dr. appts, and holiday trips.

I only do laundry and cleaning as needed and I don't fold the laundry...it just sits in a pile until we go through it. I do do the dishes every night because we need bottles the next day.

Sorry, I don't mean to shoot your suggestions down because they're good ones! It's just that I've tried everything I can think of aside from making drastic changes and they just turn out to be bandaids. Nothing truly fixes the situation.

- Just based on this response I would see if you can get your in-home babysitter would be willing to do some cleaning/dishes/laundry for you.

- Buy at least 3-4 days worth of bottles - can find them used and cheap at a consignment store and just buy new nipples. At the beginning I was washing bottles nightly and it was a huge relief when I just bought more and only had to wash them about every 3rd night.

- Not sure what Fresh20 is but Once a Month Mom is a website where you cook during one weekend and the freezer meals last a month. They create the shopping list and provide it at the beginning of the month so you have all month to shop for the sales and then do the cooking at the end of the month. There is a fee to use the site unless you go to a recipe plans that they released over a year earlier in their archives and then it is free. I've never done a whole month's worth but I will freeze about 10 crock pot meals every couple months just to have on hand when it's going to be a busy night.

-Also not sure what your nightly routine is but I feel like I'm one of the few moms that do not give nightly baths and that helps fee up time too. I do almost nightly baths in the summer when they are sweating but cut it down to about every 3rd night in the winter. I really hope daycare can't tell and doesn't judge me!

emberlee3 · November 2013

OP, I felt a lot like you do during DD's first year. She was a bad sleeper, so on top of all the bottles and having to take her and DS to different places, I was exhausted all the time. It's so much better now that she is one. And the kids go to the same school this year, which is great.

You don't mention how the morning commute/drop-off works, but the evening commute sounds like a major pain. Is there any way to fix that? With or without changing care providers? Can you or YH rideshare? Bus? Can the sitter pick up your older child or meet YH at DCP with the baby?

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I've reached my limit. What do I do now?

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