how to add kids to the blended mix.

Ndsales · November 2013

DH and I have a 16 month old and DH's son is 7. We are going to start trying to add another bundle to our family in January. Our concern is SS was excited for DS when we first told him, and now SS really dislikes DS because DS always wants to play with him when he is with us or talk to him when we skype. SS does not want anything to do with his brother. at his mom's he was an only child except on weekends when BM's boyfriend's kids were there. Long story short. The boyfriend is no longer in the picture and the "brothers" will not be around SS again. SS loves being an only child, and does not like to share, or have to deal with the other kids. at BM's his grandparents would "rescue" him from having to deal with the "brothers" every weekend. At our house, this does not happen, we are a family, and try to do things as a family since we only have SS for short periods of time. We try to hold vacations until we have SS with us to include him, as BM does not take SS on vacations too often. How do we tell SS that we are expecting when the time comes? He has been through quite a bit this past year, and we do not want him to feel like we are replacing him, however we do not feel that issues at BM's house should affect our plans to extend our family.

xmaryrickx · November 2013

Issues at BMs house effect SS and therefore effect you and your plans.
That's all I have for this.

Ndsales · November 2013

There will always be issues at BM's house that unfortunatly BM brings on herself, and does not think about SS when she does what she does. If we waited until everything was happy at BM's then we would never have a child. I am not trying to be rude, SS is a big part of our lives, but how do we put everything on hold because BM cannot get her life together?

Lavender P · November 2013

You don't put your life on hold. You start trying and when you get pregnant you have to find the right way to tell SS. I'm sure many first kids would love to be an only child, but guess what? That isn't their decision to make. It's yours as the grown ups. Learning to share and learning that you don't always get your way are all part of growing up. If your child is only 16 months old then when you Skype let him say hello and then one of you take him out of the room so it doesn't distract from talking to SS. Maybe SS doesn't like DS because he gets to live wirh his dad, and SS doesn't. Maybe you guys are spending too much time focused on DS when SS is there. There could be many reasons. Your job as parents is ro make both DS and SS feel loved and special. You just have to work a little harder since SS isn't always with you. Just make sure that you are telling SS that he will still get special time with his dad and make sure you follow through.

toomanycats1 · November 2013

I cant believe you'd even consider having another one right away after all this boy has been through! Makes me think things aren't arent really as bad with his mother as you say, or your husband would be taking things a lot more seriously. This boy and his mother just suffered a loss and are in transition. Give him a chance to calm down before you make more changes.

SueBear · November 2013

DH and I have a 16 month old and DH's son is 7. We are going to start trying to add another bundle to our family in January. Our concern is SS was excited for DS when we first told him, and now SS really dislikes DS because DS always wants to play with him when he is with us or talk to him when we skype. Perfectly normal - - what 7 year old chooses to play with a one year old? Aside from "hi," there is nothing your LO could say that is interesting to SS. Take LO out of the room when SS skypes with his dad. LO gets your undivided attention 24/7. SS gets a few minutes a week. SS does not want anything to do with his brother. at his mom's he was an only child except on weekends when BM's boyfriend's kids were there.

Long story short. The boyfriend is no longer in the picture because he is dead!!! and the "brothers" will not be around SS again. because their dad, bm's boyfriend, is DEAD SS loves being an only child, and does not like to share, or have to deal with the other kids. at BM's his grandparents would "rescue" him from having to deal with the "brothers" every weekend. This is the samd SS that you feel was abused. Maybe the "other kids," the boyfriend, or someone who came over on the "brothers" weekends were the ones who was molesting him. If so, the grandparents were right to rescue him from weekends with these people!!!

At our house, this does not happen, we are a family, and try to do things as a family since we only have SS for short periods of time. We try to hold vacations until we have SS with us to include him, as BM does not take SS on vacations too often. How do we tell SS that we are expecting when the time comes? He has been through quite a bit this past year, yes, like the death of a major figure in his life and we do not want him to feel like we are replacing him, however we do not feel that issues at BM's house should affect our plans to extend our family. The fact is, that things that impact SS DO impact your famiy, because SS is your family.

I would suggest putting into place a plan where SS gets one-on-one time with his dad. You have SS for such a short amount of time and he gets such limited attention from his dad because of the distance. When you have two LOs, hire a babysitter every once in a while and do something just the three of you. You will NEVER make things even because your LO gets your H to himself year-round, but he needs to feel special. If you cannot manage that with a second child at this time, then you should reconsider extending your family until you can.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

I think this is just one of those times when unfortunately, things that happen at BM's is going to spill over into your home. I don't really know what to say here, because what happened with SS and BM is so tragic. Do I think you should put your life on hold because of BM? Absolutely not. But I think your SS needs some more time to adjust before adding another child to the mix. Is he in any sort of therapy to help him process the death of BM's BF? SS' pleasure at being an only child at BM's might be a coping mechanism for him. He's probably still trying to process everything that has happened.

As other PP's said, try and carve out time for SS to spend with just Dad. Carve out time occasionally for the 3 of you to do things and have someone watch the baby for a bit. I believe wholeheartedly that your SS loves his little brother. But I think once kids figure out how much work a baby is, the novelty quickly wears off. I think it adds to SS' frustration that your baby is a boy also. There's that inevitable feeling of being "replaced", KWIM? I really feel that is you give SS some time and some one on one attention, he'll adjust and regain the excitement he once had. And once the excitement returns, you and DH can start trying for another baby, knowing that there is peace and happiness in your household.

YummyChef · November 2013

It's normal for a seven year old to not want to play with a toddler. Unless he's being aggresive towards your DS, this isn't a big deal. When you get pregnant try to include him, if he doesn't want to be a part of it, you've given him a choice. Buy him a "big brother" t-shirt and give it to him in a pretty gift box. Show him sonogram pictures/videos. Take pregnancy announcement photos that include SS (great ideas on pinterest) and DS. Have him help paint the nursery as a fun "big brother" project. These are things that will make him feel special as a "big brother" because DS is too young to do any of it. He may be feeling excluded.

I agree with someone else that said that your DH should skype alone with SS and every once in a while they should do things on their own, like go for a pizza or icecream. He may feel that his QT with his family has been invaded.

On BM's side... deal with whatever affects SS. But don't put your life on hold because of her. My SS's BM separated from her 4-year on/off live-in boyfriend with his own DS. My SS called the BF's DS his brother and said he didn't want any more siblings because he already had one. After BM encouraged SS to call this boy his brother, BM kicked out her BF, didn't even bother explaining to SS that BF's DS was no longer going to be a part of their lives.

So, we tried to explain to SS that BF's DS was not his actual brother, that he loved him like one and that's why he was called his brother. That they would remain friends but wouldn't see each other very often. After he processed this information he was asking me and his dad when we'd give him a brother. (He doesn't want a sister, because he wouldn't have anything to teach her, according to him LOL)

Ndsales · November 2013

yes, the boyfriend passed away, this is a sad part of it. I'm not trying to down play any of that.DH set up counseling through the school as BM and her family do not believe in it, but we know he needed to speak to someone. While we hope that down the line SS can have a relationship with the brothers, it will be something between their mother and us and not BM. He already had to dealing with loosing them last summer as well, with no explination and then boom they were back. That is going to be the difficult part. We had a talk with him then that DS was always going to be his brother no matter what. DH and SS also have special time together with our DS and we make sure SS feels important, with him getting to participate in the things he wants to, and DS getting grandma time during SS games/events.

Ndsales · November 2013

DHS did not find anything wrong, just told BM to get SS into the doctor sooner next time so we can figure out what it is. Anyone who has had the shot for chicken pox or chicken pox will show a positive test for herpies. We now know more, but DHS will not do anything as that "problem" is no longer in the picture. It is not about the money on our part, we have actually tried to do things to benefit BM, but she thought she could get more money going through child support and the judge told her to get a job since she bragged that she put herself through college.

DH did not take his sweet time getting to SS. We had to do what DHS said. We could not just go pick SS up. We would have been charged with Kidnaping. I know for some it is hard to understand, but what would happen to SS if DH was in jail for trying to kidnap him? He would loose his only stable place to live, his only consistant way to get clothes that fit and are not full of holes.

We are trying to follow the rules of Iowa court. It is not always easy, but we are starting to make progress, we just have to play the waiting game now and report things to our attorney.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

Ndsales said:

DHS did not find anything wrong, just told BM to get SS into the doctor sooner next time so we can figure out what it is. Anyone who has had the shot for chicken pox or chicken pox will show a positive test for herpies.

This is so unbelievably incorrect and I'm calling bullshit on whoever told you that.

I had chicken pox as a kid and I've never tested positive for herpes. Hell, I've had cold sores (which is a type of herpes) and I've never tested positive for herpes.

So again, I call bullshit. Whoever told you this info is completely ignorant and you should get a second opinion if it was a Dr that fed you that crap.

Sigir · November 2013

Yes, that is not correct re the chickenpox and herpes.

Re the original issue, iirc your ss had some major adjustment issues w your family. I think that now is not the time to try for a new lo unless there is some extentuaing circumstance that is making you rush. It would make life harder for everyone. Take some of tr tips the others have written and focus on your family today.

Sorry I know this is not what you want to hear.

Ilumine · November 2013

Ndsales said:

DHS did not find anything wrong, just told BM to get SS into the doctor sooner next time so we can figure out what it is. Anyone who has had the shot for chicken pox or chicken pox will show a positive test for herpies. We now know more, but DHS will not do anything as that "problem" is no longer in the picture. It is not about the money on our part, we have actually tried to do things to benefit BM, but she thought she could get more money going through child support and the judge told her to get a job since she bragged that she put herself through college.

DH did not take his sweet time getting to SS. We had to do what DHS said. We could not just go pick SS up. We would have been charged with Kidnaping. I know for some it is hard to understand, but what would happen to SS if DH was in jail for trying to kidnap him? He would loose his only stable place to live, his only consistant way to get clothes that fit and are not full of holes.

We are trying to follow the rules of Iowa court. It is not always easy, but we are starting to make progress, we just have to play the waiting game now and report things to our attorney.

Who actually told you this? Because if it was a medical professional, I would call the AMA on their asses for providing you with extremely incorrect information. If it was a DHS employee, I would call to talk to a supervisor because he/she was giving you bunk to push you off.

And if it was your DH - then fvcking shame on him trying to gaslight you.

While the Varicella Zoster Virus starts as the Chicken Pox and then reemerges as the Shingles, it does not actually mutate.

The other herpes simplexes (genital and oral) are TWO SEPARATE viruses. And while the tests, especially the older tests CAN have a false positive when differentiating HSV1 vs HSV2, they will never test for VZV because the anti-bodies are totally different.

Honestly, you really really really need to deal with this misunderstanding because whomever is telling you that your StepSon got a false positive because of the Chicken Pox basically allowed that boy to continue to be affected with Herpes. And that means that he can and will be infectious.

And you still need to figure out how HE was affected. Because if it is Oral Herpes, that is one thing...easier to transfer with a kiss from someone infected or sharing a cup, et. But if he has Genital Herpes.....

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