43 and worried!

nikkiuk · November 2013

Hi all. I'm new here and in all sorts of a mess!

Just found out I am expecting at the age of 43. Total shock although really, it was an accident that I stupidly didn't consider. I had a Hysteroscopy and D&C in September to remove fibroids and polyps. Weeks later I find myself expecting - duh... didn't think that just maybe I might be fertile now after the clean out! My husband is delighted... me, not so much. I have two kids already from a previous marriage - a 20 year old daughter and a 15 year old son. To be honest I am SO embarrassed, it's chewing me up.

To make things worse, me and my son moved to the USA two years ago when I got married (my daughter is at University back home in the UK which kills me too) so apart from the fact that I'm very out of practice with all this baby lark, very unfit and not feeling very ready for all this, I have absolutely no clue about the procedure, tests, doctors etc that go on here in the USA. It's not only very different to the UK but I'm pretty sure things have moved on significantly in the last 16 years anyway. I'm worried about absolutely everything and I'm trying to hide it as my husband is so delighted, I don't want to ruin it for him as it's his first baby.

I've done some investigation online, got my first doctors appointment in December (at 10 weeks which seems a bit late to me) and read the Over 35 boards on here but I'm still feeling pretty shaken and worried.

Sorry to make my first post a whiny miserable one. Typical moaning Brit lol

Guennie · November 2013

No apology necessary, an unplanned pregnancy is a shock at any age. What you are feeling is perfectly natural. The good news is, once you've had time for everything to sink in your instincts should kick into gear and hopefully you will begin to feel more at ease with the idea of becoming a mother again. It's ok to be honest with your husband about your feelings, as a matter of fact you need to share your fears with him so he can be supportive.

As far as drs etc, you will simply be monitored more closely and offered more screenings to look for potential issues. Don't let the age thing scare you, there are a lot of us 40+ on this board with very healthy pregnancies! This is a very supportive board and you can come here any time with questions or just to vent if you need it.

Congratulations- deep breath, it's going to be ok!!

nikkiuk · November 2013

Guennie, thank you for the kind reply... made me cry

You're totally right, I do need to take a deep breath and it will be ok. I remember the shock I had at my previous two pregnancies, neither of which were planned but I do have two wonderful, wonderful kids. I did that mostly alone but now I have a fantastic husband who was made to be a dad so this will be a ton easier. The embarrassment is eating me up, but I guess I will get over it with time.

QOTR · November 2013

I know you're feeling unsure, but I'm going to wish you a hearty Congratulations anyway.

If it helps at all, my pregnancy was very much planned and wanted and I still freak out sometimes with thoughts of how unprepared I am. I hope your first dr. appointment brings you comfort. Welcome to the group!

LucyRicardo3 · November 2013

Welcome!!
Echoing @QOTR , even though this baby was hoped for, even though our chances of spontaneous pregnancy were low, I still freak out from time to time! Excitement mixed with a good dose of Holy CRAP!
Share your concerns with your husband, but you might want to start gently, lol.
I had my 13 yr old from my first marriage and raised him alone for many years, so when we married and quickly got pregnant with my second child, my sweet husband was literally bouncing off the walls. He was born to be a daddy, for sure. (He also was married before but found out after the marriage that his now-ex didn't want kids.) I tease him quite a bit about missing his bachelor days of going out everynight to play cards with beer and wings vs driving a slap-full minivan, a continuously messy house, and talking about the kids' poops like it's second nature

Just in the past year or so, there have been some amazing new tests available for genetic screenings, (compared to the older/familiar "quad screen") that some doctors are less familiar with. If it wasn't for the helpful knowledge of the other ladies on this board, I would not have known what this new stuff is all about. Grateful for everyone on here!

marleybarne · November 2013

I don't have much advice, but my 3rd pregnancy was a complete surprise, so I have done my share of freaking out! But I think, like others have said, when it sinks in you will feel better about things. (Btw, I am 39) And your kids will deal...I have a daughter who's 14 and she became a big sis at 11 and will be again in May! She only has two requests: 1) that she doesn't have to babysit all the time and 2) that she doesn't have to share a birthday with her new sibling (she's a May baby too). And my US was later, around 9 wks. The place I go seemed to feel like a bit later gets a better heartbeat and measurement and more accurate due date. Good luck!

Beachgal72 · November 2013

Congratulations and welcome! I understand about being freaked out and having very little clue where to begin in this process. I felt the same -- I am 41 and pregnant for the first time. My husband and I are still all over the place with our emotions: disbelief, crazy excitement, nervousness, etc. I was so overwhelmed at my first appointment trying to take in all the information about what was ahead -- but just go a step at a time. And as the other ladies on here have said, you get a bit more attention and extra tests offered at our age, but that should only help reassure you during the process.

SkiHorse · November 2013

nikkiuk said:

To be honest I am SO embarrassed, it's chewing me up.

I hope you'll get over your embarrassment and enjoy your pregnancy! I'm older than you and nearing the end of a planned (and so far, healthy) pregnancy with my second child, conceived via IVF. There's nothing wrong with being pregnant in your 40s. I feel like people give me the side-eye sometimes, but our kids will be loved and well provided for, since DH and I both have stable, successful careers. It frankly upsets me that society gives 40-something moms any reason to be embarrassed, especially because dating and career-advancement norms can make it difficult establish a stable home environment for raising children earlier in life.

nikkiuk · November 2013

AWWWWW Ladies, thank you :x what a lovely group you are.

I'll just plod on through and take each day as it comes.

Geeps2 · November 2013

Everyone pretty much summed it up well. Deep breaths, it's going to be ok and to make you feel better I am 39 will be the big 4-0 in April and literally am a week away from my due date with my second child and I wanna poop my pants. I think at any age, being a parent is exciting, joyous and terrifying all at the same time.

Best of luck!!!!

dragonfly711 · November 2013

Why are you embarrassed? I will be 40 when my little one is born. I have a friend I just saw yesterday she is due in a few weeks she is 41 almost 42. Another friend of mine had twins last Dec and she is 42 going on 43 or she is 43.

Do not be embarrassed, so many women are having children older now. Dont tell people this was an oops, tell them yup we wanted another one!!!

Oh yeah another friend is about 14 weeks, hers was an oops she is 41 due in April!!!

All will be good!!!! Just talk to your husband about your concerns, you should not go through them alone!!!

Congrats!!!

nikkiuk · November 2013

I don't really know why I am embarrassed, Dragonfly. I think I had firmly settled on the idea that I am done with having more kids. My daughter is 21 in April, my son is 16 in January and for some reason I feel a bit silly having another one when I already have an 'adult' child and another in 10th Grade.

Having said all that, I was starting to feel anxious about my son leaving home and going to Uni in a couple of years. Having my daughter so far away tears my heart in two, losing my boy will be hard to deal with - he's a Mummy's boy for sure! A little one won't be a replacement of course but will certainly keep me busy and distracted!

I do like the idea of not saying it was an 'oops' but that it was planned. There will be eyebrows raised, particularly with my circle of friends who are nearly all in the UK. I won't have to see their eyebrows so that's a plus lol. I'm sure my kids will be fine but we're not planning on telling anyone until we know everything is ok.

Athena0303 · November 2013

It will be okay. It is very shocking, for sure. My husband (boyfriend at the time I got pregnant!) and I were not only using birth control, I was supposedly never going to have kids even if I wanted them (due to PCOS). So at 39, getting pregnant (and not married) was a SHOCK to say the least.

If it helps any, my mother had my half-sister when I was 14, and she was the best thing that happened to our family. I cannot imagine how my teen and college years would have been without her! Your kids (no matter what they say now) will LOVE their sibling. My brother and I did. You should not be embarrassed. 43 is not THAT old. Just say you are a movie star in Britain...LOL. All the stars have kids in their 40s.

As for birth in the U.S. I would suggest you look for a midwife group that has an ob/gyn on staff. That's what I did, and I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I can do natural if I want, or if I change my mind, I will be in a hospital, so I can have meds if I change my mind (which I probably will).

Also, don't read all the scary statistics. Chances are still good your baby will be healthy. I didn't get all the tests, but even without amnio, they are able to tell a lot from the 20 week scan. They also have early genetic tests (like Harmony), though mine couldn't pick up any dna, so it didn't work (it usually does work). I get scared that I'm too out of shape to have a baby too, but my husband always hilariously points out all the other out of shape women that pushed a baby out and that makes me laugh...

nikkiuk · November 2013

Oh like riding a bicycle for sure lol. I'm not exactly looking forward to the next 8 months but once I get the first appointment and tests done I will settle down and get on with it. I am dreading telling the kids but I know they will be fine. My almost 16 year old son will be delighted as he's a hugely adorable softie and loves babies. My daughter will be shocked but she'll be ok although considering I've spent years telling her not to ever get pregnant by accident (and she will remind me about that), I will feel like a hypocrite. Even mom's make mistakes sometimes :P

samiaf · November 2013

Hi,

You are normal, your feelings are normal. I am 42 and expecting in Dec. I have children the same age as yours( and a couple older!) This is a surprise for us too! Give it some time. You should share with hubby but let him know your glad he's happy and you want to get there too. Cograts!

nikkiuk · November 2013

It's so nice hearing from other 'older' ladies with older kids. Thank you

dannie2011 · November 2013

I'm 40 and my oldest is 22 I can relate to the starting over feelings and strange looks and comments from friends and family. I moved from Canada to the US and yes the health care is way different from Canada. Some of it is different because of the time that past between kids, some of it is way different.

cpanos01 · November 2013

I am 41, and also was shocked to learn I was pregnant. And I also have 2 children from a previous marriage. My husband has no children and is delighted as well. Don't fell guilty about being apprehensive about this whole thing. It took me a good 2 months to come to terms with the fact that I'll be an older mom.

But I have to tell you, there will come a point in this pregancy when you realize how lucky this baby will be. He/she gets a mother who has been through the ropes before and knows her stuff! Yes, you will be a little older than some new moms out there, but you carry a knowledge that they don't. And a year from know you will wonder what you ever did without this miracle baby!

nikkiuk · November 2013

Thanks guys. I'm slowly getting my head around it but the negativity I feel is not going away. On the plus side, I am SO glad that I am walking in to this knowing a whole stack of information that all the other new mom's on the other boards are pulling their hair out over. It makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that yes, I know the ropes, I know when to worry and not to worry, I know how to deal with tantrums, accidents, illnesses, picky eating, refusal to go to bed... you know, all the trials that come with a little one. I know not to blow my money on those cute clothes that they wear once then grow out of. I know I'll be more patient, maybe a little softer than I was on my other two (or maybe not lol). I'm in a better place financially, have an awesome husband who will be an amazing dad. I work from home and love where I live...and that's all positive. BUT what bothers me is I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I'm not excited, not interested in looking at baby things, not relishing the thought of feeds all night and crying, diapers, packing a huge bag every time I want to leave the house for a while, struggling with car seats and strollers. I was way, way past all that and now I'm walking straight back into it. And that kinda makes me a bit sad. I hope the negativity goes away soon, and maybe it will once I've had a scan and can see the baby and when I start to feel it kicking.

marnieescandon · November 2013

Thanks for posting. I will be 43 in 2 months and am due in June. My daughter from my previous marriage will be 17 in August and a high school senior when we have a tiny baby. My husband, who will be 51 in April, had no children, and I was really past the whole baby thing when we married 18 months ago. I love him so dearly and want him to have the child he always wanted, and a small part of me wanted to share in having a child with him. We were using birth control but not being extremely vigilant. However, when I found I was actually pregnant, I freaked out. I was not excited at all, but my daughter and husband were over the moon! All I could think was, "I am 42! I just bought a ticket on the crazy train! My friends could be grandmothers when I have a kindergartener! Hey, I could be a grandmother then! I have a career! What have I done!" I also had 5 miscarriages, three before my daughter and two after. My career keeps me sitting all day. I am not in shape like I was with my daughter...night feedings, sleepless nights, illness, loss of freedom, my career, etc. The concerns seemed endless, on top of the fact I am no spring chicken.

Luckily, I decided to read a good deal about how it is more and more common for women to have healthy babies later in life, especially if there is a second marriage, and how older parents are often better parents. I have looked around in my own community and seen so many women having children later in life, almost half with already grown children. When I told one of my friends, who already has a one-year-old grandson, she was excited and told me I am part of the new rage. I expressed my concerns, and she reminded me of several things. This experience will be different. I virtually raised my daughter alone from day one, although I was still married at the time. Now, I have a truly involved, helpful, supportive, loving husband and daughter. I am not doing this virtually alone this time, and children keep you young at heart. I also have a friend who is now raising her two small grandchildren, and she is loving it, despite long nights.

Last week we saw the baby moving which made it more real. My doctor is seeing me every two weeks, and I am being cared for so well. I am beginning to realize that this new little person could be the best thing to ever happen to our family. My daughter was the best thing that ever happened to me, and this may double the joy I have found in being a mother. I have decided to tell everyone we BOTH wanted this baby very much, focus on the blessing we can share, let this be a different experience than before, not care what anyone thinks, and live in gratitude for life's surprises. I still have doubts periodically, but I have decided to try to focus on the excitement this can bring and join my husband and daughter in the possibilities. She will come with us next week to see the baby's ultrasound, and I will bathe in her excitement. I will join my husband in his jokes that he virtually gets to be a father and a grandfather at the same time. I am going to embrace what may be the most wonderful twists I never expected.

I know everyone's experience is unique, and we each have our own feelings Yet, I hope you can find the possibilites in your journey, and realize sometimes life's blessing may appear at first to be personal challenges. Thanks for sharing. I know I am not alone in my experience, and I wish you all the best in yours.

springbeduk2 · November 2013

Everyone else who has posted so far expressed things so well - there is not too much to add - the only other thing I was thinking in response to your original post that isn't a ditto of what others said is one thing that you may need to get used to with US healthcare is that many insurance companies and their rules are rather wacko at times and doctors and even their office staff often don't know as much about the ins and outs of that (and what the actual out of pocket cost for various things is likely to be, etc.) as would be nice. There's a lot of variation of course and some insurance coverage is really excellent, but ... that's only some. So if you don't know your policy well you might want to go back over it and really look at exclusions, % co-insurance, deductibles, annual out of pocket limits, etc. just so you can plan for what to expect. On the upside, coverage for prenatal and birth care should be pretty standard (as in, covered, at least to the extent that your policy covers anything) and I think one advantage of being an "older" mom-to-be is there's more likely to be coverage for testing like Maternit21/Hamony/whichever other similar ones. Some younger people have posted on other boards being denied coverage for NT scans and other tests/screenings and definitely can't get the nice new fetal DNA in maternal blood tests covered. But anyway it's not at all consistent so you might want to check into things to avoid nasty surprises later.

Anyway, congratulations and best wishes for healthy pregnancy and beyond. From what you've written so far i think your baby will be very lucky to have you and your husband as parents. And really ... maybe I just think this because I'm old too - does *anyone* actually look forward to not getting to sleep through the night, endless dirty diapers, and that sort of thing? My pregnancy was planned and long hoped-for, but ... those aren't the reasons. They are things we'll get through that are part of the package of getting to be a parent but I really hope it's not too wrong to not exactly be looking forward to them!

nikkiuk · November 2013

Thanks again ladies.

@marnieescandon - our stories totally mirror each other, and probably a lot of other ladies too I would imagine. That is a big comfort to me and reading about others who have gone through the same thing is such a relief, so thank you for that. I'm still desperately hanging on to the hope that when we have the scan, it will change my negativity. I can't wait to see my husbands reaction, that will be priceless. He's being very low key about it all but with my hormones raging like they are, he's probably too scared to say anything, bless him. It really bothers me that I'm absolutely not in shape. I sit down all day for my job too and boy am I starting to suffer for that, physically. I know that will get worse. I haven't put on any weight yet so that's one less thing to get depressed about.

@springbeduk2 - I let the husband deal with all insurance matters, as it goes way, way, way over my head. I think he'll have to come with me to every doctors visit because as soon as they mention insurance, I slip into a coma. I should probably get him to investigate what tests are covered etc. Man, it was so much easier in the UK! I've been pleasantly surprised by the fact that I actually get to see the Obstetrician as that never happened in the UK unless something was wrong.

Two and a half weeks to go, then hopefully all this angst will be behind me.

dragonfly711 · November 2013

nikkiuk said:
I don't really know why I am embarrassed, Dragonfly. I think I had firmly settled on the idea that I am done with having more kids. My daughter is 21 in April, my son is 16 in January and for some reason I feel a bit silly having another one when I already have an 'adult' child and another in 10th Grade.

Having said all that, I was starting to feel anxious about my son leaving home and going to Uni in a couple of years. Having my daughter so far away tears my heart in two, losing my boy will be hard to deal with - he's a Mummy's boy for sure! A little one won't be a replacement of course but will certainly keep me busy and distracted!

I do like the idea of not saying it was an 'oops' but that it was planned. There will be eyebrows raised, particularly with my circle of friends who are nearly all in the UK. I won't have to see their eyebrows so that's a plus lol. I'm sure my kids will be fine but we're not planning on telling anyone until we know everything is ok.

Sorry I have not been on here often. I think your kids will be fine. Plus like you said might be good for you when your boy leaves. Bet that will be tough.

You will be fine!! Give yourself time.

DTNZ4Ever · November 2013

nikkiuk said:
Thanks guys. I'm slowly getting my head around it but the negativity I feel is not going away. On the plus side, I am SO glad that I am walking in to this knowing a whole stack of information that all the other new mom's on the other boards are pulling their hair out over. It makes me feel a whole lot better knowing that yes, I know the ropes, I know when to worry and not to worry, I know how to deal with tantrums, accidents, illnesses, picky eating, refusal to go to bed... you know, all the trials that come with a little one. I know not to blow my money on those cute clothes that they wear once then grow out of. I know I'll be more patient, maybe a little softer than I was on my other two (or maybe not lol). I'm in a better place financially, have an awesome husband who will be an amazing dad. I work from home and love where I live...and that's all positive. BUT what bothers me is I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I'm not excited, not interested in looking at baby things, not relishing the thought of feeds all night and crying, diapers, packing a huge bag every time I want to leave the house for a while, struggling with car seats and strollers. I was way, way past all that and now I'm walking straight back into it. And that kinda makes me a bit sad. I hope the negativity goes away soon, and maybe it will once I've had a scan and can see the baby and when I start to feel it kicking.

Yes but you must also remember that baby stage with all that baby stuff is really only a short time which happens to fly by. DS will be about to turn 5 or will be five when DS2 is born and I feel like now I have the perspective that everything is a phase and literally I felt like he was a baby yesterday and now he is almost 5 which I'm sure you feel with your kids.

DH and I were actively trying for both our boys and we still had that shocked what did we do feeling. Also I felt like I really could feel excited and happy about the pregnancy until after my Panorama blood test (checks the baby's DNA in my blood for any abnormalities).

I had my first appointment at 11w6d so 10w is not too late.

I'm sure your kids will be shocked as you were but they will come along. As for your DD reminding you about safe sex remind her that you are married in a committed relationship, financially stable etc. which is a lot different then having unprotected sex with a boyfriend when in college.

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