Bringing my baby to the RE-vent

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

So I am now in the throes of trying for baby #2, my son will be 5 months tomorrow. As we all know this requires constant trips to the RE. My RE's office only does monitoring between 6:30-7:30am everyday. I have no other option than to bring my son with me--my husband leaves at 7am for work and we do not have anyone else available to watch LO at that time. Previously I was able to drop him at my mom's (the only person at this point we are comfortable leaving him alone with) but she is now out of town for several weeks. Of course it would be easier to not bring him because I have to wake him up, pack him up, worry about him eating, etc.--but there is literally no other option. When it comes time for ER and ET, our LO will be with us.

Anyways, the last time I went the receptionist saw me walking in and jumped up and said "oh you can't be out here" and ushered me and LO to a totally empty room in the way back of the office that literally contained one chair (and it was FREEZING cold). Later when the nurse came to get me she was being careful, checking each hallway before we turn down it to make sure no one was there. They normally take the blood draws in a big room with many patients and of course I was the only one there. Later they asked me if I was going to always bring my baby, because some people had complained about it. I told them yes, I did not have any other option. The next day my nurse called. MH and I were supposed to attend an IVF refresher class that evening and (due to what I previously experienced) I told the nurse we would have LO with us because my mom was gone and we didn't have anyone else to watch him. She told me we could not come if we had LO and she was pretty rude about it. And I just continuously kept apologizing over and over and I kind of resent being put in that position--like, I am sorry that this little human that I paid YOU to give me actually exists and needs to be taken care of by me.

I understand from being on the IF boards that some IF people are very sensitive to babies/pregnant women. I guess I was never one of those people--I guess it is harsh or insensitive but my view was that the human race was moving forward with or without me. I just was so shocked at the treatment I received--like everyone there has a goal of having a baby, and I suffered and paid a crap ton of $ for my baby and now I am essentially being ostracized for it. I understand being sensitive and I certainly do not want people being upset or hurt by me having my LO with me but I just feel like this is going overboard. On one hand I now feel so guilty now about needing to bring my LO with me but on the other hand I feel like this is my life now, I am a mom and I need to take care of my child at the expense of other people's feelings.

Sorry for how long this became.

IBackBevo · November 2013

I have never heard of an RE saying no kids and bbeing that strict about it. My first REs office, he had pictures all over the walls (literally hundreds to thousands) and the last time I went to my most recent REs office, there were more pregnant women and babies in there than non pregnant women. I honestly think that having ypu wait in a separate room is not a big deal, but I think telling you that you can't come to a class is a little ridiculous unless it is more of an issue that you can not do what you need to do with baby in tow.

ccam · November 2013

I was definitely sensitive the first time around when people would come in with their kids or babies. It bothered me and I would curse them in my mind But I would never complain to anyone about it. Parents do what they have to do! Going back for #2 is a lot different though and I can smile at the nurse's big pregnant belly and the little kids running around.

Is there someone above these rude nurses and receptionists that you can speak with? They seem to be really taking it to an extreme! There are always kids at my clinic and tons of them on the weekend. You can not be the only one that has to bring their child once in a while!

ETA - For the refresher course, can they compromise and only one of you guys go instead of both of you?

pb_bride · November 2013

Ditto what @Ducky719 said.

My RE office has a separate area for babies/kids/children to hang out in, with their parents. Sort of a little play area, away from the main waiting room. Honestly, during the 2 years I went to the RE (dozens and dozens of times), I have only seen children in the play area, but never saw any of them anywhere else in the office area nor exam room area nor blood draw area.

I don't know what the RE office policy is, but I will find out soon!

It never really bothered me that some parents had to bring their children with them; however, I totally understand how that would upset other patients.

Mrs.AmyDylan · November 2013

Ducky719 said:

I'm sorry, Hopeful...I am sure they were not trying to make you feel guilty. I guess the lesser of two evils to the RE's office is to be more sensitive to those without than to those with (if that makes sense).

A lot of the people experiencing IF are in a dark place...the RE's office is almost a "safe" area where they do not expect to see LO's since everyone that is there needs help. I am actually happy your RE's office is taking steps to try and be sensitive to the folks without children, though I certainly think they could have handled you a little better. You should by no means be made to feel guilty or insensitive or anything just because you have had a sucess. (((hugs))) dear!

Exactly this. I never saw any kids at my REs office, and I'm grateful. Every time I was there I was inches away from a big ugly cry (my IVF cycle was kind of a mess and close to being cancelled). I think seeing a baby would have been devastating. I totally think it could have been handled better by the office staff. I hope that #2 makes it worth hauling DS in for the appointments.

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

I have absolutely no problem waiting in the secluded dungeon, that is not a big deal to me whatsoever. I guess it really is just the overwhelming negative response I received from the staff. And that now, on top of going through the stress of another IVF round with an infant, being tired that early in the a.m., having to disturb my LO by waking him and bringing him out in the cold and lugging him around with me, now I am stressed and guilty over having my LO with me there.

The IVF refresher class is something we can work around, albeit at a huge inconvenience to us.

Not to mention now I am freaking out over ER and ET because this is also done in kind of an open area with other people and clearly it is imperative MH and I are both there.

TJ1979 · November 2013

I don't know. I was really sensitive too, especially after my loss. But seeing LOs and the parents back for round 2 gave me hope, hope that I could be successful and come back for round 2 myself. And I also understood that people can't just abandon their kid to come to the RE if they have no child care just bc I'm sensitive.
Besides, my RE and my OB are across the hall from each other, so you are bombarded with pregnant women and children from the time you walk in the door to the time you pull out of the parking garage.
I think their treatment was harsh and unrealistic.

Dragonfly1226 · November 2013

I am sorry if the staff was being rude about this issue.

I am going to try to play devil's advocate here. My RE has a no kids policy. I was never allowed to bring DS to any monitoring appointments, but I never wanted to either. I think about all the horrible conversations I had with my RE in that office. All of the failed cycles. The time when we found out that although IVF #1 worked and the baby had a HB that the HB was slow and irregular and had zero chance of survival. The time a week later when we confirmed that the baby had stopped growing so we could go ahead and schedule a D&E. There were so many times when I thought I would never be a mother. Walking into that waiting room and seeing a baby there would have literally sent me over the edge. I know that it is inconvenient to have to figure out care for LO, but try to look at it from the other patients' points of view.

As far as the IVF class goes, besides the feelings of all the other couples there, the baby would definitely be a distraction. It would be difficult for you to pay attention and for the other couples too. It would also be a distraction to the instructors.

I agree that the staff should not be rude about it, but I also understand why they want to keep the waiting room child free and also why they don't think you should bring the baby to the IVF class. I completely understand the position you are in. We have three kids and don't live near any family. Maybe there is a close friend who can help you out. Maybe you can interview sitters and find one who you trust for the mornings when you have appointments. I hope you and your dh can figure it out, and I hope the staff at the RE's office is more respectful in the future.

pantsarella · November 2013

My RE had a strict no-child policy. There were signs up in the office and if you walked in with a child, the receptionist asked you to reschedule your appointment if you didn't have childcare. They also don't let you bring children to ER or ET.

As PP said, the RE is kind of expected to be a safe place for people going through treatment. People deal with IF differently- some people are ok seeing kids and others aren't. It took us 3 years to get pregnant and there were definitely times that seeing kids was hard. And compared to others, I feel like we got off "easy" because our first round of IVF was successful and we had no complications. I have a friend who went through severe OHSS and then had a miscarriage that lasted a month. My DD is 4 months and I still don't bring her up to that friend. I want her to know that she has a safe space in talking to me, where she doesn't have to hear about kids.

Honestly, I would never bring my DD to the RE, even if they didn't have the policy. Having been there, I know how hard some days can be and I would never want to be a reminder to someone about their infertility. You do have to care for your child, regardless of others' feelings but your RE also has to care for their patients, regardless of your feelings. So the argument works both ways.

mdiblasi10 · November 2013

Ducky said my thoughts very well. My RE does have signs up at their offices, asking patients in a nice way to not bring children with them. However, I have seen kids in the waiting room many times, especially on the weekends. I may have envied them, but I certainly would never complain to the staff. But that's just me. I am sure others feel differently. Now that we are trying for #2, DS is in daycare, so I schedule things accordingly. MH will drop him off on the mornings I have to go in and he watches him at home for the weekend appointments. I hope you can find an alternative so that you aren't put in that position again. Big hugs!

TJ1979 · November 2013

I think @chiwifey has a really good point. If they are going to act that way, then they just need to have a policy about it. But to act like her child that was conceived with the help of that clinic was something to be ashamed of is wrong.

jesselayne8 · November 2013

I can see all sides of this. I had to bring DD to one of my appointments because my babysitter didn't show up. It was the initial meeting with a new RE and was booked 4 months in advance so I didn't want to reschedule. I felt absolutely terrible bringing her but I didn't have any other option.

kaf7 · November 2013

I used to be bothered by people bringing children to my RE's office but I do recognize the need for it and realized it was my issue, not theirs. I have brought my guy to appointments both me and DH have had to be at subsequently but those are at the end if the day and there is no one there. I do ask to be put in a room or have DH take LO on a walk if LO is being at all fussy. My RE does have the policy of no kids coming in during ER and ET and fwiw I didn't bother having DH attend for my ER. He just dropped me off and picked me up after. We were using a frozen sample though.

mcgeeva · November 2013

I see both sides as well. It's not like we get to wear a sign saying been here done this and this my amazing child from this place. But because some walk out never ending up with one I get it. But I also get child care issues sicne I have no family around to help either. Do you have a friend you could take turns watching each other's kids for your apt days? Mine worked out fine because I alway dropped off ds before my 7 am apt but of dh was out of town and daycare wouldn't take him early I guess I would be stuck bringing him too. I want so bad I stop by my re since have known me for 6 years now to introduce my son Them but I do fear how the patient feel and the looks I would get. Good luck..

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

I am not offended at all, I appreciate everyone's comments and insights. Maybe all RE offices should have two separate entrances, two separate waiting rooms, and make more of an effort to seclude the inner rooms instead of it being open. Our pediatrician office is divided like this and has a sick side and a well side so the sick patients have no interaction with the well patients. Or maybe even have two different monitoring sessions, one for the childless and one for families. The RE should prepare for the fact that the patients who successfully have children will most likely pursue treatment again to have more children.

Because I agree, I am sensitive to those in the throes of IF and do not want to cause unnecessary hurt/pain to patients already struggling with so much. But on the other hand I am a patient too and um BIG SURPRISE, I have an infant now which makes the constant appointments a little tricky.

TJ1979 · November 2013

Hopeful1981 said:
I am not offended at all, I appreciate everyone's comments and insights. Maybe all RE offices should have two separate entrances, two separate waiting rooms, and make more of an effort to seclude the inner rooms instead of it being open. Our pediatrician office is divided like this and has a sick side and a well side so the sick patients have no interaction with the well patients. Or maybe even have two different monitoring sessions, one for the childless and one for families. The RE should prepare for the fact that the patients who successfully have children will most likely pursue treatment again to have more children.
Because I agree, I am sensitive to those in the throes of IF and do not want to cause unnecessary hurt/pain to patients already struggling with so much. But on the other hand I am a patient too and um BIG SURPRISE, I have an infant now which makes the constant appointments a little tricky.

I totally agree with the bolded. If their goal is to succeed, there will be babies. If their goal is repeat customers, there will be babies. I know it's not feasible to rebuild every RE's office, but they should be prepared for this situation and have a plan.

Ruthie04 · November 2013

While I never agree with staff being difficult in their interactions with patients, I can definitely understand where the office is coming from. I was a patient with my RE for over a year. In the beginning, the stories of success gave me hope. But, after nearly a dozen canceled/ failed cycles, I was having a very difficult time coping. Hearing others' stories of success after an IUI or a first IVF almost made me feel worse than a whoops pregnancy. I felt like I was even more infertile than the other patients and seeing their children or hearing their stories was remarkably painful. Like PPs said, the REs office was the one place I could feel safe from that crushing grief. My REs office doesn't even have pictures of babies in the waiting room for this reason.

In all truthfulness, I'm not sure what I would do about childcare if I were in your situation. We are nearly 14 months into this parenting thing, and I don't have a daytime child care option. But, I couldn't take the boys to a medical appointment anyway since I can't always be assured my stroller will fit through office doors/ hallways. I'd probably have to snag a 6am appt and have DH stand with them in the lobby so he could leave right after and I could take them home. So, I get the child care stress. It's definitely not an easy situation.

imoverit · November 2013

This is such a tough situation. I had to take DS1 to a few of my monitoring appts due to no childcare and I always dreaded it. I always felt horrible about bringing him in and remembered that it was hard for me to be in that office when others brought theirs in and I was struggling with IF. I usually ended up waiting outside with DS1.

I was lucky in the fact that my REs office was fully supportive of bringing kiddos in otherwise I may have had to find a new place because there was nothing I could do but bring him at times.

Im sorry for the way you were treated. Not cool. Here is what it comes down to really: bring your LO when you have to and sit in the separate room, be mindful of the sensitivity of others without letting them make you feel bad for bringing him in, and remember that your main goal is to get KU with LO #2 so keep your focus.

. This uncomfortable situation will be a hopefully soon distant memory.

IBackBevo · November 2013

Maybe it is because I am married to a doctor and I know how expensive medical office space is, but I find the idea of having to have two separate waiting rooms a little much unless it is already built in the office. Plus, that expense will likely be passed on to the patients. I would much rather affordable prices then an elaborate office. It seems like a better way would just be to politely take you back directly to an exam room with your child.

My 2nd and 3rd REs were located in a children's hospital so there was no getting around seeing kids...
Honestly, I can see both sides.
On the one hand sensitivity is awesome. I think having an re located in a children's hospital is a bad idea. But at the same time,
those in the throws of IF are unfortunately going to be exposed to preggos and babies and kids...I tthink you are wonderful to be sensitive and I tried to do the same with ds1 Amd not ttaking him to appointments. I kmow when I got my diagnosis and started treatment, our office manager was big and pregnant with an unplanned (she was not married and baby daddy was in a touring band and she only saw him occasionally) pregnancy...and all i heard about was baby, baby, baby for months!!!! then, after she had the baby, she brought it to the office. Not once. Every damn day. I work in a legal office. It sucked. But I could not quit my job. I had to suck it up and deal...all day, every day...not just for a few minutes in a waiting room. And the girl wss a B and expected everyone to accommodate her pregnancy and then her baby. Im over it now but it suuuuucked for a while.

IBackBevo · November 2013

Speaking of such...I wonder what they do if an employee gets pregnant at an REs office. ..

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

Good point. I had an apt with my RE when I was 38 weeks pregnant because I wanted a definitive plan in place to conceiving #2 after I gave birth. I felt very uncomfortable.

For the record there are baby pictures everywhere at the office. Plus they have baby reunions every year and compile pics of the reunion into books which are out in the waiting room with the magazines.

Ruthie04 · November 2013

IBackBevo said:
Speaking of such...I wonder what they do if an employee gets pregnant at an REs office. ..

One of the phlebotomists was pregnant when I was cycling. I was there through her entire pregnancy and maternity leave. She didn't mention the pregnancy at all unless I asked. The only time she ever initiated anything was to tell me she was leaving for a few months and hoped I wouldn't still be a patient when she returned...I was, but the thought was nice. I also had another awesome phlebotomist (she was so supportive, she even snuck into the room during my first ultrasound and was sobbing and hugging me when we saw the heartbeats). She had four children that we talked about, but we never spoke about them until I had been a patient for about a year.

CarrieB. · November 2013

I went to 3 different REs over our IF "journey" and none if them had a no children policy. I did my best not to bring DD1 to appointments for our FET, but I did end up bringing her to our last apt where we had the ultrasound.

Honestly I was never bothered by seeing other children or babies at the RE. The only event that ever bothered me in the waiting room was when I saw a girl break down in tears in the waiting room. That was more heartbreaking than seeing a positive result like a baby.

fabulouspinkmady · November 2013

As long as the child was quiet, I didn't mind them being in the waiting room. A couple times I almost lost my mind were when parents were oohing and aaahing and taking pics of their small baby, and once when a lady let her 2 kids turn the waiting room into their playroom. Of course, the Gonal F made me nuts, so that probably didn't help

I would never have complained though. I get that people can't find child care, but it could be hard. Still, your office didn't need to be rude about it, especially since you are a success story!

I'll admit, I brought the boys by the REs office because they said he would be "right with us"... An hour later I was feeling super awkward and I won't do it again. The boys are in day care, so when/if we go back I'll always have somewhere it take them.

danalawrence · November 2013

I get this. I didn't bring the girls to any appointments during this last round of IVF. I found a lovely woman in the neighborhood who appreciated the predictable early morning babysitting job. I've seen too many tortured and devastated faces in the RE's waiting room. I remember once, by accident, I walked back through there holding a new ultrasound pic where a baby was clearly visible, and a woman I walked by literally winced and I realized what had happened and stuffed the photo in my jacket pocket. Analogy as I see it: I wouldn't walk by hungry people holding cake if I couldn't offer them a slice. Of course hungry people logically know that most of the world has food. I just would feel positively awful walking by them with it, at a place where they're hungriest. My $0.02

ccam · November 2013

IBackBevo said:

Speaking of such...I wonder what they do if an employee gets pregnant at an REs office. ..

I had my blood drawn confirming my c/p by a woman who looked like she could give birth right then.

kzawisl · November 2013

My RE office has pics of 'their' babies on a giant board in the waiting room. I kind if looked at it as my goal: one day MY kid(s) picture will be there.
That being said, they also had posted hours when it was okay to have children in the office. I thought that was a good compromise.

pantsarella · November 2013

ccam said:

IBackBevo said:

Speaking of such...I wonder what they do if an employee gets pregnant at an REs office. ..
Wow, apparently my RE's office was super strict. Absolutely no children allowed and if a staff member was visibly pregnant, they often moved them to a less patient-interactive role.
I had my blood drawn confirming my c/p by a woman who looked like she could give birth right then.

queenbone · November 2013

I remember that guilt.It is no fun. And my RE's office does not have a 'No kids' policy, they even have kids toys in the waiting room. I almost always had to bring someone with me to apts. I would keep them close to me and quietly entertain them so they wouldn't disturb others. Or wait outside if there was no keeping them quiet.

But getting pg has never been a cure for my IF and I frankly begrudge those who make me feel guilty about needing treatment again.

Saraevh · November 2013

CarrieB. said:

I went to 3 different REs over our IF "journey" and none if them had a no children policy. I did my best not to bring DD1 to appointments for our FET, but I did end up bringing her to our last apt where we had the ultrasound. Honestly I was never bothered by seeing other children or babies at the RE. The only event that ever bothered me in the waiting room was when I saw a girl break down in tears in the waiting room. That was more heartbreaking than seeing a positive result like a baby.

I think I saw all of the same doctors you did @CarrieB

In fact, we were always encouraged to bring the kids in because the staff always said they wanted to meet/see them. We did bring our daughter to one ultrasound, but we were the first appointment of the day and went back to the room almost immediately. I don't ever remember seeing any kind of 'children only' room at any of the places I went. And the most recent clinic I went to was inside of another clinic (not sure if it was an OB office or just a general practitioner's office) but there were always kids in the waiting room.

I know how hard it can be to try to find childcare, but if I were you I would really try to find someone to watch LO during appointments/classes. Not only because I'm sure you've realized it's hard to have an uninterrupted, serious conversation while you're trying to tend to a baby (and for how much you pay for each visit, I wanted every second of time I was paying for to be focused on my care), but also because we've all been on the other side of the fence and know how difficult it can be. As much as you want to be happy for people who have had success, it hurts either way.

I'm a SAHM so finding someone to watch the kids has always been a challenge, however I have been able to utilize my in-laws old neighbor who watched my husband and his siblings when they were kids! She is retired and loves earning a little extra cash watching my kids here and there when I get in a pinch and can't find someone else to watch the kids for appointments or whatever. Ask around, utilize friends and other family members if possible, a trusted neighbor or interview some folks.

Good luck!

dmhrn13 · November 2013

I have severe OHSS earlier this month. I could hardly breathe, let alone get my kid to a sitter. My mom had to drive me & we had to take DD once. The office was very understanding, of course, they almost killed me, so that's the least they could do. But the other women were like shooting daggers at me, I understand, I really get it (I'm a midwife & had to take care of & deliver some whiny, ungrateful women during my infertility struggles- not all of course, but a few), but geeze I could've used a break.

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