Loss Check In

Mrs Nice · November 2013

Welcome to our checkin!

I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

bunnybun4 · November 2013

***warning...pregnancy + impending miscarriage mentioned****

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I am in such a weird place...I really didn't know where to post this...I def. don't feel like I belong in the PGAL check in anymore though. Last week I went in for an early US and there was nothing but a small gest. sac on the screen...I should have been in my 5th week...my betas looked good so my OB was hoping my dates were off...I had a bad feeling and limbo never ends well for me...this week there was some but very little growth to the sac and still nothing inside...so we discussed my options and my ob prefers me to wait the mc out and do it naturally unless the sac keeps growing in which I will need my third d&e/c of the f-ing year. Fast forward a few hours and she calls me with my betas...once again they look perfect and are doubling perfectly...so even though we are like 99% sure I am miscarrying I have to keep going back to get us's just in case of some miracle. I am of course devastated and just really frustrated but at the same time I am just soooo numb. I've been continuing to go to work and do normal things I guess because there is just no closure right now. I really don't think there is any hope...it's not like I or my OB thinks that it is going to turn around but I'm still technically pregnant so it's like I can't truly mourn this loss yet. either that or I am just so used to this shit that I am just not feeling it as intensely as the past 2 times. I am just so over grieving....so over being in this place...so over everyone else getting KU and everything working out for them. so over being mad at people for being pregnant. sorry for the novel...I just really don't know what is going on with me right now.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? we are going ahead with RPL testing as soon as my numbers go to zero (which who knows how long that will be since they keep doubling) it's just so strange because my first loss was a late one so I just don't get the miscarriages that keep happening. it does feel good to have a plan in place but I am also just scared of nothing working and just all of the money we may have to pour into this.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public? I did after my first two...esp. after my late loss...now I am usually ok with seeing pregnant women and babies but sometimes I have my moments. and I defintely get a little stabby sometimes when I see pregnant women now...I just wonder why is is so easy for some people

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? i think I explained that above. I am just not in a good place and so sick of being in this position...I have been pregnant for 8 months out of the past year and I don't have a baby to show for it. not to mention this loss is happening right now with my angelversary coming up in a few weeks. life just sucks right now.

diamante1181 · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I have been praying a lot more, and trying to take it day by day. Trying to cling to the little bit of hope I have left for the future.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? I don't have any present goals at the moment, other than steeling myself for my return to work next month. Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? n/a
QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? Yes, but not purposely. I just don't have the energy nor desire it requires to accomplish leaving my house. DH literally has to drag me out of the house to do things.
How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public? This is going to sound weird, but I don't really have a problem seeing pg women (as long as they aren't smiling, which most of them don't smile, I notice). I usually avert my eyes when I notice there is a baby, especially if they are newborn/smaller babies. I'm usually criticizing how underdressed they are for the current weather etc.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
We went to Target a few days ago. It is two stories and we parked where we normally park, on the second floor. Epic FAIL because you have to walk past the baby section to get to the escalator to go down. My eyes watered and my breath was caught mid-sob, because I remembered how dh and I would walk down those aisles and smell the baby lotions and look at the baby clothes with so much hope and love and excitement. I fear we may never have that again. I want to hope that next year we will have a baby, but I don't want it to appear that it is an attempt at replacing what was lost; Sophie and Gabriel. I can never replace my two stars. I'm also afraid because if we want to 'try' again I will have to go back to the fertility clinic, and that is a whole other can of worms.

jess123456 · November 2013

@marylaurena... I am so so sorry that you are going through this again. My heart breaks for you but I am praying and praying that things improve and that just maybe the dates are off. It is so not fair. As you know, we unfortunately seem to have a lot in common as it relates to pregnancy journeys. If you ever want to chat or vent etc. please private message me. You are not alone. Sending you big hugs and positive thoughts.

bunnybun4 · November 2013

@jess123456

Thanks...yes, I have been thinking about you...I acutally pmed you earlier today asking you about rpl testing. thanks for the hugs. I hate this for both of us.

jess123456 · November 2013

@marylaurena I just messaged you back. Have lots of experience with the testing.

CRUN2012 · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
-I have been spending a lot more time talking with friends and family and getting out and doing things. I also took over a card and some goodies to the hospital where I delivered Carter to thank them for their kindness and that was very theraputic for me!

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
-My next goal is to start working out again and get back to work. I have a follow-up appointment scheduled with my doctor and I'm sure he will give me the okay for both things.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public?
- DH and I got out of the house immediately and have been getting out regularly since then. I have not reacted really one way or another but it usually depends on the situation and my mood. I've found myself becoming more negative and judgemental when I see certain women pregnant or with children but I'm really trying to process those feelings as they come because I know its not good for me to bottle them up.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
-Well this week my local radio station is doing a fundraiser for the Children's Miracle Network for the University of Iowa Children's Hospital and I've been listening to the stories of local families for the past couple of days. Although they are often sad stories- I think hearing these stories gives me hope that even though bad things happen to us there can be a silver lining and good days will return. ♡

stefuge · November 2013

@marylaurena - I'm so sorry. I pray you get some clarity this week, and more importantly, I pray that baby is okay and your dates are off or something.

@redheadbaker - I find myself doing the same thing, "we would of had Colton here now, etc, etc." There is nothing simple about this grief. ((Hugs))

@diamante1181 - day by day is the only way to get through, at least at this point. I'm so sorry that Target was so rough!

@aragosta - I'm so glad you got some reassurance regarding Lucas's cord accident. And I completely understand about wanting to tell every pregnant woman I see how lucky she is! I find myself wanting to do the same thing.

@CourtRunde - good luck at your doctors appointment and going back to work. My doctor warned me that the first week back at work is the worst, but then it gets better.

stefuge · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

We are finalizing plans for Colton's memorial next weekend. We also met with the geneticist this week and are having tests run to determine if I have a blood clotting disorder, which would have caused our loss. I'm struggling with knowing that if I have this disorder than it was my body that killed my baby. Even though there was nothing I could do, and no way to know, that is still hard.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

Just to get through his memorial next weekend, and that it will be what I am hoping for and not too difficult.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public?

I don't really feel like I avoid going out. Most of the time when I see pregnant women or newborn babies I try to just look away and focus on something else. This past week I had my first breakdown over seeing a pregnant woman doing her glucose test while I was having blood work done. I just wanted to grab her, and tell her how lucky she was, and to treasure every moment of her pregnancy.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Getting ready for the memorial, dealing with the possible diagnosis from the geneticist, missing my little boy.

kz's_girlygirl · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? We called our fertility clinic and set up a phone consult with our RE to talk about doing another IVF cycle in or around Feb. IDK if that's healing or not, but it helped me feel like we have a plan- I am always going to miss and love Jesse and wish he was here, and I hope we can have a brother or sister to tell about him.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I think my goal for the next week/month is to get back to group support meetings. I was going to an infertility/loss group for a while, and stopped when we did our IVF, but there is a meeting next Weds. and I am going to go. I think some face to face talking/listening will just be one more way for me to feel like Jesse was a real person, and that he mattered. And that what I am going through now also matters.
QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public? I left the house pretty soon after losing our baby, and it was a terrible idea for me- IDK if you guys remember, but I had a breakdown in Trader Joe's and broke a glass jar of spaghetti sauce on the floor because I saw a beautiful woman sporting the most perfect pregnant belly. Not a good day for me. I've been getting out pretty regularly though, and have gone back to the gym as well. After a rec. from this board, I have been bringing earbuds to listen to music while I grocery shop, and I also go to the gym in the evening with Dh so I don't have to worry about running into the students from the Mommy and Me penatal classes that I had signed up for.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I've been thinking about the holidays lately, and how we are going to handle them. We usually love going to my grandparents' house for Christmas morning, but I just don't think I can this year. My cousin is due a few weeks before I would have been, and I'm afraid seeing her will just ruin me. She already has an infant as well- Irish twins!

Side note- I am so grateful for this board and all the ladies on it. Reading through the precious posts brought tears to my eyes because I feel so much love for you all and I wish more than anything that our stories would have turned out differently. I'll be thinking of you all this weekend, and lighting a candle tonight for all of our precious and beloved babies.

diamante1181 · November 2013

kz's_girlygirl- I think you have one of the sweetest hearts ever, just from the things you write. It is very encouraging. Best of luck w/your RE. We are also thinking around February to go back to our clinic. Maybe we'll be cycle buddies! lol

stefuge · November 2013

@kz's_girlygirl - good luck with RE appointment! I think that's a great next step, and February gives you some time to prepare yourself. ((Hugs))

kz's_girlygirl · November 2013

Thanks @diamante1181 and @stefuge!

skb52286 · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? We are at the beach my family thought we needed to get away. i had lunch with my boss and was able to talk about Trent without crying thru the lunch

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? my goal make a list of questions for the doctor for my appt next week. also visit the rest of the stores i work at to hopefully make going back easier.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public? its sad i havent avoided them...they have avoided me but i have nothing against them id never wish this pain on anyone

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? people started asking about future kids this week...so babies. also my puppies we left them home and i miss them

irons633 · November 2013

****posting from iPad*** Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I attended my first therapy session last week which was very therapeutic as well as I attended my first group meeting with a friend who has been my rock thru this second loss. I have realized that I find comfort in telling my story and it helps me to get my emotions out. I am not afraid of letting people hear not just about Olivia but my baby boy EJ. What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? My next goal is getting back to work next month and getting my body healthy to begin trying to conceive again in about 6 months or so. My doctors believe I have a bleeding disorder and just like a PP to know that it's my body that killed my baby girl and possibly my son it hurts me to the core that my body couldn't do its part. Event though I know that I could not do anything about it. I am prayerful that they can get me on treatments and I can bring home a healthy baby. QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public? After loosing my first baby I didn't leave the house for about 3 weeks and when I did I went to the worse place anyone can go and that was Target! It just seems that anytime you go it's nothing but pregnant women and newborns. I had a serious breakdown in the store because it was supposed to me waddling around and preparing for my baby boy. With the loss of Olivia I started venturing out almost immediately and me and my mom went to Target together where we both cried when we saw a pregnant woman who looked to be about as far as long as I was, but since I did it early I have been able to go in there and not get as emotional. I m okay seeing pregnant women but I do want to go up to them and let them know they do give me hope that I will be pregnant again and bring home a healthy baby. I do fine with older children but newborns will be hard come January because I was due then. Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Today was supposed to be my baby shower and I was sad last night for me and a bottle of wine had a great relationship, but today I am doing pretty good. The sun is shinning bright and I told my baby girl I see her smiling at me. I am preparing for a surprise trip my hubby planned to take me to Disney for our anniversary!! It's been a place I've wanted to go for awhile and even though I know I will see children and may get alittle sad but I can only be so emotional at the happiest place on Earth. I am going to use this time to spend with my hubby and for us to have some time alone and really connect again!! @diamante1181 do you live in Chicago? ,because that Target you described sounds like the one on Roosevelt. I am from there and miss my city so much!! I send you many hugs and hope that you and hubby have a great time in Puerto Rico. Sending all of you ladies big virtual hugs as we continue to heal and remember our babies who I believe are all laughing and playing together as they watch down over their mommies who have formed a circle support thru the loss of them.

diamante1181 · November 2013

@irons633 Yes! I do live in Chicago, however I'm a northwest-sider lol. We go to the one on Addison St, as that is the closest one to my house. I went to Whole Foods yesterday and bought a Belgian Framboise beer, and I recommend that over wine lol. May I ask, where do you live now?

OAN, I am thankful for these check-ins. It's horrible that we're all here, but at least we have each other for support. It does help.

stefuge · November 2013

@irons633 - I'm so glad you went to therapy, I hope that helps. ((Hugs)) as you deal with the bleeding disorder diagnosis - I know that's not easy. Are the doctors running any tests to determine for sure? Have they given you a plan for future TTC?

VyD81 · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? I've not. Just reading everyone's posts help me cope. Thank you ladies.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I'm attending a local loss group on Tuesday. I have to also work on my resume and try to figure out my next career goal. My company announced a day before we lost Raynor that my office will be closed by year end. DH wants my to take time off and focus on grad school, but I'm not sure if I want to stay home.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing regnant woman and babies in public? Only left the house when I had to. It still bothers me when I see pregnant women. I don't hate them, just envy that it's not me.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I woke up at 6 this morning and was overwhelmed by the smell of baby powder. The smell quickly faded and I'm convinced that Raynor came to visit.

@marylaurena, sending you many hugs. You're in my T & P.

@diamante1181 & @kz's_girlygirl, I also need help from the fertility doctor. I'm hoping that when I'm ready to TTC that it will be an easy process. Hope that it will be easy for you too.

irons633 · November 2013

@diamante1181 I now live in Virginia near Williamsburg area. I have been here 4 years and I can say I miss the city a lot. Once you lived in a city like Chicago it's hard to be anywhere else. So much food I want but can't get here lol. @stefuge they will be running a full blood panel to test for Lupus and other autoimmune disorders. But they have a strong feeling it's Leiden V and told me they can treat that with baby aspirin, extra folate and blood thinners. My doctor wants me wait a few cycles just to see what results come back and also I'll be seeing a MFM as well. Have your doctors told you anything about the regimen for a blood disorder? Thank you, yes therapy is working for me. I first didn't think I would need it but my mother suggested it

mingaling2 · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I went on a girls weekend with my friends to Savannah this weekend. It was good to see them all and just hang out and relax. They've been a great support system. They all wore tulip pins to remember Coraline. There was a lot of laughing, a little crying, but just lots of love.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I haven't been back to a few places since losing Coraline - the wax place, nail place, chiropractor. I just don't want to have that conversation, but I need to do it because I can't avoid everyone. I still need to make a therapist appointment.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public?
I did avoid leaving the house. When I did venture out, it was to the grocery store or Target and was full of pregnant women and children. It was hard - really hard. I don't mind the babies much now, but I really feel uncomfortable around pregnant women.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

TTC. My period started again, and we're not using birth control, so I guess we're not not-trying?

stefuge · November 2013

@irons633 - we briefly went over what would happen if my tests came back positive, but not in too much detail. Primarily they told us carrying a healthy pregnancy would be possible with medication.

@mingaling2 - sounds like you had a good weekend - I'm glad! And I love that your friends wore tulip pins! I too am dreading the hair dresser, dentist, etc. It has to be done, just not looking forward to it.

bunnybun4 · November 2013

@kz's_girlygirl

my SIL was due a month before me and I ended up spending a few hours with her at Christmas last year while she was VERY pregnant (i lost bunny the day before thanksgiving last year). It definitely wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...the only time I had to leave the room was when their grandfather started asking her about her pregnancy...even then I didn't cry i just couldn't handle hearing it...i just needed to take a moment. That being said, her being my SIL I felt like I had to deal with it then as it was the only time I would see her before her babies were born...if it was a cousin I may have put it off longer till I could handle it better. I am still debating whether I can go to DH's family christmas party with a newborn and then my twin nephews (the ones that are the same age as Bunny)...I can handle immediate family but the thought of extended family gushing over babies makes me want to crawl under a rock. ((hugs))

kz's_girlygirl · November 2013

@marylaurena- we are still planning to spend Christmas morning with my immediate family including my sister/BIL and their two toddlers, and my other sister and her 3 yr old. We'll actually be spending three days with my sister and her 3 yr old bc they live with my parents, and we stay there bc we travel from out of state.

I always got pity eyes at extended family gatherings bc of our infertility struggles, and this year it's just going to be compounded. Immediate family vs extended family definitely feels different to me as well.

neptunebljc · November 2013

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

At the moment, I have two goals. My first goal is to become more active on here again. I have drifted away a bit, thinking it was making me more depressed, however since attended grief counselling, I have been told I need to deal with these feelings and stop pushing them away. My second goal is to get a new job. I recently ran into old colleagues and a wonderfully job opportunity was mentioned, so I plan to follow up on that.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public?
At first I did avoid leaving the house and also avoided having people over as well. Our struggles with maintaining a pregnancy have been very public and I knew I would be alienated from events, so I basically alienated myself first. There was certain pregnancy women I avoid. Mainly women who I feel don't deserve a baby as much ad I do, which is a horrible thing to say, but its true.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

This week I am trying to figure out where my Bean fits in my life now. How am I going to keep him part of my family and let others know that I want to talk about it, and I want them to ask me about his story.

JessicaG220 · November 2013

Mrs Nice said:
Welcome to our checkin!

I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I think of Ava so often. It is mostly healing, but sometimes it brings me to tears knowing I'll never hear her cry or hold her in my arms on Earth.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I set small goals. My goal this week is to go to her stone and clear it off for Winter. She needs some new flowers. I am also seeing my counselor next week.

QOTW: After your loss, did/do you avoid leaving the house? How do you react to seeing pregnant woman and babies in public?

I didn't avoid leaving the house, but the first few days after she died I didn't feel like going anywhere. Seeing pregnant women hurt, and it still hurts. I still look at both them and babies with sadness and jealousy.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I am always thinking about my sweet girl. I can't believe the 17th will be 7 months since we lost her. I look at her pictures over and over so that I don't forget what she looked like. I wish there were some way to see her again. Someone mentioned this on this board a while back, but I try to look at it as I'm not getting farther from her, but closer to the day that we'll see each other again.

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