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Let's talk men...

dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
edited November 2013 in Blended Families

So this morning on my way to work the radio station I was listening to was discussing men and how many people believe they are "wired" to not be faithful to one woman.  They were saying that Bill Maher came out recently and said that he was miserable being faithful and that he wasn't going to do it anymore and that a woman should want him to be happy and have his heart's desire.

Some guy called in and said that he has been with his girlfriend for 2 years and that he struggles with being faithful every day.  He said there are so many beautful women out there and he struggles with not acting on it.

After I posted last on here I discovered more texts (old ones) and my FI was actually sexting women and basically propositioning sex.  I am attempting to work through it because I know that I wasn't into our relationship for a long time and I know I treated him like crap so I can see how it happened.  He claims that if I am giving him my whole heart that he no longer feels the need to do that with other women.  He told me that if the roles were reversed he would leave me but that he hopes that I will forgive him.  I don't know if we will work it out or not but the way things have been going for me I just don't even expect faithfulness anymore.  Seems like every man will develop an emotional affair if some young pretty thing is around and interested.  It happens every day...

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Re: Let's talk men...

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  • SueBearSueBear member
    @illumine - I did not see your post before I replied to the OP.  I was going to mention that Bill Maher was a d*uche but thought that wasn't the main issue.....but I agree 100%!!!  The only reason he gets women is because he has a tv show and $.  I get that the funny guy gets the girl...but he's not even funny.
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    The "not wired for fidelity" excuse is a crock of shit. No, not all men cheat. Cheating isn't acceptable and you should stop thinking of it like it is. 
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  • nevertunenevertune member
    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    If you want to believe that crock of shit, then you are enabling and encouraging that behavior. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you let someone cheat on you and you buy into their excuses, you're basically saying "that's cool. Go ahead and do it again." If a man or a woman wants more from the relationship they are in, they can and should speak up, not blame their partner.
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    ghostice said:
    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.
    Just curious how did you know they were cheating?  I really appreciate everyone's input.  I know I need to raise my expectations.
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  • KendraL86KendraL86 member
    ghostice said:

    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.

    This. My ex-FI was always cheating on me. He seemed so perfect, until I realized he was calling women on Craigslist when I was sleeping! He would meet women from online dating websites when I was out of town!! I tried to forgive. We went to therapy. He changed a lot of his behavior. But, in the end, he couldn't change him. He continued to stray in one way or another until the day I left (three years after the initial incident!!!). The three years I stayed when I knew I should leave were filled with anxiety. I had to take meds just to get through the day because I was constantly paranoid about my health!!

    My husband is the complete opposite. He is faithful and fully committed to our relationship, even when the newness faded. I do not worry about him cheating on me at all. Happily, all my anxiety is also gone!! ;)
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    KendraL86 said:
    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.
    This. My ex-FI was always cheating on me. He seemed so perfect, until I realized he was calling women on Craigslist when I was sleeping! He would meet women from online dating websites when I was out of town!! I tried to forgive. We went to therapy. He changed a lot of his behavior. But, in the end, he couldn't change him. He continued to stray in one way or another until the day I left (three years after the initial incident!!!). The three years I stayed when I knew I should leave were filled with anxiety. I had to take meds just to get through the day because I was constantly paranoid about my health!! My husband is the complete opposite. He is faithful and fully committed to our relationship, even when the newness faded. I do not worry about him cheating on me at all. Happily, all my anxiety is also gone!! ;)
    Thank u for sharing that.  How did you know he was calling women on craigslist?
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  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    My exh was a big old cheater, I never really "caught" him until the last time, when I kicked his ass out the door, but I always suspected. I suspected to the point where I was sneaking onto his phone, going through his wallet, digging through his glovebox, etc. I just felt like I couldn't do anything about it because I had no proof, but I knew. You know your fi is doing things that aren't ok. 

    Dh doesn't do anything that gets my radar up at all. I trust him completely, which I never had with exh. You can do better than this. You and your ds deserve better than this. You need to learn to be happy with you before you will ever have a successful relationship. The therapy I got after exh and I separated was the best money I ever spent. 
       
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  • dmndsr4evadmndsr4eva member
    KendraL86 said:
    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.
    This. My ex-FI was always cheating on me. He seemed so perfect, until I realized he was calling women on Craigslist when I was sleeping! He would meet women from online dating websites when I was out of town!! I tried to forgive. We went to therapy. He changed a lot of his behavior. But, in the end, he couldn't change him. He continued to stray in one way or another until the day I left (three years after the initial incident!!!). The three years I stayed when I knew I should leave were filled with anxiety. I had to take meds just to get through the day because I was constantly paranoid about my health!! My husband is the complete opposite. He is faithful and fully committed to our relationship, even when the newness faded. I do not worry about him cheating on me at all. Happily, all my anxiety is also gone!! ;)
    Also, just curious when you found out did they try to blame you?
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  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    dmndsr4eva said:
    KendraL86 said:
    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.
    This. My ex-FI was always cheating on me. He seemed so perfect, until I realized he was calling women on Craigslist when I was sleeping! He would meet women from online dating websites when I was out of town!! I tried to forgive. We went to therapy. He changed a lot of his behavior. But, in the end, he couldn't change him. He continued to stray in one way or another until the day I left (three years after the initial incident!!!). The three years I stayed when I knew I should leave were filled with anxiety. I had to take meds just to get through the day because I was constantly paranoid about my health!! My husband is the complete opposite. He is faithful and fully committed to our relationship, even when the newness faded. I do not worry about him cheating on me at all. Happily, all my anxiety is also gone!! ;)
    Also, just curious when you found out did they try to blame you?
    Not Kendra, but they will always blame you. It's how they keep you from leaving. It's your fault. You need to change. If you were better they wouldn't have to cheat. Bullshit. 
       
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Of course he blamed you, easier than realizing he screwed up. Do you value your health? Do you want to yeah your son how to behave properly? You found out he was not doing the right thing and said you would work on it. Now you found out he has been cheating and you want to work on it. When will you leave? When you find him in your bed with another woman? When you find out you got an STD from him? Speaking of, have you been tested for STDs and HIV? Please take the advice we have over a year ago and leave him, be on your own and find yourself.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    In Bill Maher's defense, he is not married, engaged or in a serious relationship. He puts it out there that he won't be faithful and has no intentions of settling down. I don't necessarily agree with it but I think it is different then being with someone who claims they want to be in a relationship but then cheats.

    If you have to even write a post asking if men can be faithful or asking how you knew someone was cheating, then your relationship is already over. You know in your heart of hearts he is cheating and you are looking for ways to convince yourself he isn't or that it isn't his fault. Love yourself enough to break up with him.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • KendraL86KendraL86 member
    edited November 2013
    I caught him talking on the phone one night. I woke up and heard him chatting on the phone at 2:30 am. I listened for several minutes before saying anything.

    He didn't blame me right away. He said he was sorry, he would change, it was all his fault, blah blah blah. But about a year later he told me it was because I was "too fat" (I am 5'5" and weighed 130 at the time). I was so outraged by that comment but too dependent to leave. I was in law school at the time and he paid for all my living expenses so I could go to school. I moved out the month I graduated from law school.
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  • nevertunenevertune member
    dmndsr4eva said:
    ghostice said:
    Sorry, but that sounds like my ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends. And they never stopped. My current husband is definitely monogamous, so I've found that it IS possible. I care about my health too much to put up with a cheater.
    Just curious how did you know they were cheating?  I really appreciate everyone's input.  I know I need to raise my expectations.
    Pictures of co-workers in lingerie on his phone, condoms missing even though we hadn't used them, texts to an ex he visited and never told me about (calling each other sweetie, and baby), but mostly computer stuff. I'm not a huge computer genius, but I'm waaay better than he was. I found out he was talking to those myspace bots that would message you. He kept doing it even after I told him he was talking to other computers and IF there was a human behind the message, it was a guy. I guess when I gave up and stopped giving two craps about him, though I didn't leave him, was when I found out he signed up on fling.com the night of my birthday when I was 7 months pregnant and had gone to bed. I confronted him on all of it. He yelled at me about invading his privacy. I had what I called an "itch" that compelled me look. I NEVER looked and didn't find anything. My itch was always right. I sure as hell trusted my itch more than I trusted my ex-husband.

    Ex-boyfriends were much easier to catch. Someone always told me. It sure is suspicious when you're not at work for a week and every day you come home to your girlfriend from a hard day at the job you haven't been to.

    My current husband has never given me the "itch." I've never looked at his texts or emails or browser history. I've never wanted to. He wouldn't care if I did, but I just don't need to. It took me a while to come to the understanding that it's NOT normal or healthy to feel the need to snoop through their stuff. If you do, then you don't trust him. If you don't trust him, then it's a horrible relationship. I lived that life and it freaking sucks. Every day is a battle. I just couldn't handle that daily drama. Now my biggest problem with my husband is wondering if he took the trash out like I asked. I revel in this relatively easy life. I don't take a bit of it for granted, either.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    I love not having a man in my house. I am secure enough in myself as a single, successful, self made woman that I don't feel compelled to be with a man right now. I have little or no drama. I have my freedom to do as I please. I don't have to cook a bigass man meal every night. You need to try it. Also, Your boyfriend sounds like he is giving you multiple opportunities to leave him. It's probably because he is too big of a fucking coward to break up with you. There is dignity in walking away dear. Do it.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    I love my husband and 90% of the time we have an amazing marriage.  

    That being said, the reason why we have an amazing marriage, is because I am fully self-sufficient in all ways.  I do not bloom BECAUSE OF him, I bloom WITH HIM.  

    You are never going to bloom until you stand on your own 
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    edited November 2013
    The only species in the entire planet that is truly monogamous is a type of tapeworm. The male and female fuse together at first mating for life.

    Women cheat, too. There are plenty of faithful men who have been hurt by cheating women. My H has been cheated on many times but never been a cheater. I am never compelled to look at his phone, email, etc.

    People are not "wired" to cheat. They are responsible for their actions. I can't see how this is even a question for you. I was all for you trying to make it work, at first. But clearly you are not in a place where you need to have a man in your life.

    Expect and demand joyful faithfulness on both sides.

    ETA: Edited to fix a sentence.
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  • PumpkinpiemommaPumpkinpiemomma member
    edited November 2013
    My ex boyfriend (not DS's dad to be clear) cheated, he had done it one time before, but after I dumped him he begged forgiveness and I eventually took him back. The next time he was pretty slick about it actually. I came home from work at lunch one day and he was in the shower. Laying out on the bed were 2 identical cell phones. Due to the prior cheating incident, he would periodically make a big show of showing me his phone to "prove" he wasn't doing anything. So he had the regular phone with all his normal contacts for every day use and his other phone that he used to text other women on. He got out of the shower and I was standing there with both phones. The look on his face was a real Kodak moment.
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  • SigirSigir member
    Pumpkinpiemomma said:

    My ex boyfriend (not DS's dad to be clear) cheated, he had done it one time before, but after I dumped him he begged forgiveness and I eventually took him back. The next time he was pretty slick about it actually. I came home from work at lunch one day and he was in the shower. Laying out on the bed were 2 identical cell phones. Due to the prior cheating incident, he would periodically make a big show of showing me his phone to "prove" he wasn't doing anything. So he had the regular phone with all his normal contacts for every day use and his other phone that he used to text other women on. He got out of the shower and I was standing there with both phones. The look on his face was a real Kodak moment.

    Omg that is the craziest thing I have ever heard- it does not even sound real!
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    That Tiger Woods sure gets around...
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • PumpkinpiemommaPumpkinpiemomma member
    Sigir said:

    Pumpkinpiemomma said:

    My ex boyfriend (not DS's dad to be clear) cheated, he had done it one time before, but after I dumped him he begged forgiveness and I eventually took him back. The next time he was pretty slick about it actually. I came home from work at lunch one day and he was in the shower. Laying out on the bed were 2 identical cell phones. Due to the prior cheating incident, he would periodically make a big show of showing me his phone to "prove" he wasn't doing anything. So he had the regular phone with all his normal contacts for every day use and his other phone that he used to text other women on. He got out of the shower and I was standing there with both phones. The look on his face was a real Kodak moment.

    Omg that is the craziest thing I have ever heard- it does not even sound real!
    LOL! I know right? After I got over being so pissed, I was actually kinda impressed he was that committed to not getting busted to buy 2 phones. I still kicked his butt out the door tho ;)
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  • WahooWahoo member

     

    ambrvan said:
    It's amazing the lengths dishonest people will go to to be dishonest. It takes so much less energy to just be honest and straight.

    I know!  It makes me think it isn't about wanting someone else, it's about wanting to "win" or get things over on someone.
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • Pinkpenguin+Pinkpenguin+ member
    Lavender P said:

    That Tiger Woods sure gets around...

    This made me lol!
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I hasten to be watching Lifetime's "Too Young To Marry" right now, and the woman is the one cheating. And not exactly intentionally.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Wahoo said:

     

    ambrvan said:
    It's amazing the lengths dishonest people will go to to be dishonest. It takes so much less energy to just be honest and straight.

    I know!  It makes me think it isn't about wanting someone else, it's about wanting to "win" or get things over on someone.

    My ex-fi admitted to cheating with all those women because it gave him a rush.  The rush would wear off and he'd move on to the next rush.

    That told me, and is why I believe, it's an addiction.

    I also believe it's because it was because of some insecurities he had.  It boosted his ego. 

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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