Question re DH grief

potbellypig · November 2013

As many of you know DH lost his dad after a short but intense fight with cancer 4 weeks ago. We're coping but I have a question about how to deal with something...

DH is usually level headed and patient/kind etc but lately he's having lots of anger/frustration and he takes it out on me over very minor things. This morning he was telling me that he is going to have a radon test for his mom's house (mom and brother still live there) since radon is the second largest cause of lung cancer after smoking (his dad died of non-small-cell lung cancer). I asked him if he would be upset if the test came back positive, knowing that had they done the test 10 years ago and moved FIL may not have gotten sick? He got super angry with me and said that I asked a "stupid question" and was "insensitive" because his mom and brother still live there so of course he needs to do the test...I hadn't thought of mom and brother, I was more concerned about what the results would mean in terms of his dad's outcome (if that makes sense). Little arguments like this have been going on since his dad passed, about stupid little things that he drags out in a very uncharacteristic way.

My question is, I know DH is going to have more moments like this as he goes through the grieving process. Am I supposed to let him argue/be mad and not say anything? I don't like being treated like that or having him get mad at me over small things. Or is it ok for me to say, for example in this situation, that although I know he's upset, I'd rather he not call my questions "stupid" and "insensitive" when they are actually coming from a caring place? I know anger is a part of grief, I'm just not really sure how to deal with it...

missyishere · November 2013

Just let it roll off your back for now. Arguing with him will only further his frustration. Is he seeking therapy?

potbellypig · November 2013

missyishere said:

Just let it roll off your back for now. Arguing with him will only further his frustration. Is he seeking therapy?

No he isn't. I kind of brought that up a little while ago and he said maybe he would in the future, but I don't think he would make the time for it right now because the therapist lives in a different city and DH is very busy dealing with FIL's estate. I should bring it up again.

robinsokj · November 2013

::waits for whatever selfish, insensitive bullshit is sure to come spewing forth::

LaurelBee · November 2013

robinsokj said:

::waits for whatever selfish, insensitive bullshit is sure to come spewing forth::

Get over it, would ya? She took her flaming last week. Give it a rest

MrsJakes · November 2013

I think you asked a really insensitive and obvious question, and I don't blame him for getting angry. Of course, he will be upset if the test comes back positive, and I'm sure it will come with a tremendous amount of guilt for him. He didn't need you to rub salt in the wound.

LoveActually4 · November 2013

MH's personality definately changed for a while after his dad died. It took a while but he found a new normal in a couple of months.

He probably feels incredibly protective toward his mom right now, I'd try and support that as much as possible.

potbellypig · November 2013

I was asking in the "Is it worth doing it if you know the results will upset you if they are positive" type of way. I was more thinking that what happened has passed, there is nothing they could do about it now, so what would be the point in knowing it could have been prevented? It just seems like he's doing this test and then he's going to maybe mad at his dad for not taken preventative measures. Knowing the results can't change anything.

potbellypig · November 2013

LovelyRitaMeterMaid said:

I see your point there, but like I said even though you feel you are bring up a point a grieving person is likely to just feel attacked or questioned. It doesn't matter what you think right now. He just needs support. You aren't bringing any question to the table he likely hasn't already considered in his own mind.

Fair enough, hadn't really thought about that.

Reagan1010 · November 2013

DH lost his brother to leukemia 5 years ago. He definitely struggled with anger for awhile, but it was directed more towards the world than necessarily me...if that makes sense? Everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong or right way. Just know that his anger is coming from a place of grief. I would just let it roll off my back. If it becomes the new norm for him to take his frustration out on you, definitely sit down and talk with him, but don't go it in the heat of the moment.

I would definitely suggest counseling for all of you, his mother and sister included. Sometimes DH would try to keep everything bottled up and pretend like nothing happened and then his emotions would come crashing down and he would break down. You and your family have my sympathies!

RondackHiker · November 2013

MrsJakes said:
I think you asked a really insensitive and obvious question, and I don't blame him for getting angry. Of course, he will be upset if the test comes back positive, and I'm sure it will come with a tremendous amount of guilt for him. He didn't need you to rub salt in the wound.

Even with your explanation this question seems insensitive. He wants to know the results of the test. He wants answers. No it won't change things, but it could help him know what may have happened.

MrsJakes · November 2013

Also, you're faulting him for being angry and lashing out at you. Maybe take a step back and examine what you are saying or doing in these situations. If all of your questions/comments lack this much empathy or forethought, then I don't think the problem necessarily lies with him.

zeptattoo · November 2013

potbellypig said:

I was asking in the "Is it worth doing it if you know the results will upset you if they are positive" type of way. I was more thinking that what happened has passed, there is nothing they could do about it now, so what would be the point in knowing it could have been prevented? It just seems like he's doing this test and then he's going to maybe mad at his dad for not taken preventative measures. Knowing the results can't change anything.

You are right- it can't change anything. But it might give him piece of mind and it sounds like that is what he needs. When it comes to decisions like these, I would just let him do it and let him know you support him.

As far as him taking things out on you, I would just give him his space until he is ready to talk.

theseaword · November 2013

I echo the sentiment that it was an annoying question. Sorry. And the fact that it didn't even occur to you that he is protecting the family that still lives there is so strange to me. Of course he'd want to know if this was a factor.

NotSharknado · November 2013

This happened with Dh. You don't deserve to be treated like crap but understand where it's coming from. If he's not directly being verbally abusive towards you than just let it slide. With Dh I found myself saying sorry A LOT. Even if you're not.

It won't be like this forever.

I don't know how to search/link a post but I posted something similar a couple months ago. I think it was title "I Don't Know What To Do"

Reagan1010 · November 2013

IamInigoMontoya said:

RondackHiker said:

MrsJakes said:
I think you asked a really insensitive and obvious question, and I don't blame him for getting angry. Of course, he will be upset if the test comes back positive, and I'm sure it will come with a tremendous amount of guilt for him. He didn't need you to rub salt in the wound.
Even with your explanation this question seems insensitive. He wants to know the results of the test. He wants answers. No it won't change things, but it could help him know what may have happened.

This. Whether or not you meant it, your question was insensitive and his response was completely rational/expected from someone who is grieving IMO. I'm all for counseling whenever it may be helpful, but based solely on this example, I wouldn't necessarily say your husband is angry or lashing out beyond what I would expect from someone his situation in response to a question like that.

I know your stressed too, but at the end of the day, the question was in poor taste and you just need to apologize and move on. I get it because I tend to say dumb stuff without thinking when I'm trying to be helpful. Death and grieving are hard for everyone.

Very well put!! I also think your DH is doing a great job in stepping up and filling in a lot of the things his father would have done. He wants to check the house because if the cancer was caused by radon, it needs fixed so no one else gets sick. Your comment did make it seem like you weren't caring about his mom. He is doing his best in performing different roles for different people while grieving himself.

ShakeyJakey · November 2013

Even if his family still didn't live there, he's looking for answers. If he was never a smoker and died from lung cancer his son wants to know why.

If this is the only thing he's "lashed out" at you for, well honestly I'm not surprised.

angelashly · November 2013

I can't remember do you get along with your MIL? It seems like you don't.

I'm trying not to flame,but last week you asked questions and were told to support your husband right now. He came to you about this test and instead of asking if you could help or really just saying "good idea honey I hope it comes out OK" you questioned why. Regardless of where the sentiment was or that you forgot his living relatives in the home you questioned something he wanted to do. If it isn't dangerous don't question why he is doing things. I can see why he wad mad about that.

All that being said he is angry. It is a stage of grief you will have to deal with right now. As long as it isn't abusive I would let it roll for now.

aglenn · November 2013

I agree the question was insensitive, and I don't care if he says he wants to hire a psychic medium to clear evil spirits out of the house, your job is to support him in whatever he feels he needs to do during this time. Back off and let him be, don't criticize him.

Yes, he will likely be angry seemingly out of nowhere (although I don't think this particular instance was a good example of that). This is often part of the grief process. Be patient and be kind.

Helenahhandbasket · November 2013

OP-- do yourself a favor and stop posting about this here.

I haven't responded in your two previous posts about this situation, but it seems like you are either 1)wording your posts horribly and cluess about how you are coming off or 2) have serious compassion issues (for whatever reason).

I would reccomend finding a friend that "gets" you IRL and vent/ cry on her shoulder.

Smootchy · November 2013

whoa.

I. I. I just can't...

and I just read your post from before. oh my... I think a "bless your heart" is in order.

gollywollypog · November 2013

If a home has radon, there are ways to get rid of it. https://www.radonawareness.org/how-to-fix.php Did you know that OP? If you did, you are being jaw droppingly insensitive to your H and his family. If you didn't, it's time to look at that link or one like it and go tell your H you are sorry. If he's been researching radon, he knows this is something he can fix (or hire someone to fix) for this sake of his mother and brother, and what you said was probably like a kick to the stomach for him.

potbellypig · November 2013

amercer0 said:

potbellypig said:

I was asking in the "Is it worth doing it if you know the results will upset you if they are positive" type of way. I was more thinking that what happened has passed, there is nothing they could do about it now, so what would be the point in knowing it could have been prevented? It just seems like he's doing this test and then he's going to maybe mad at his dad for not taken preventative measures. Knowing the results can't change anything.
In my answer I'm going to assume you weren't being hurtful on purpose. I've been in a few stressful situations and have said idiotic things not meaning to hurt someone. A lot of times things just come out of my mouth completely wrong and not the way I meant them. Yes he had the death but I get this situation is putting a lot of stress on you as well and you are learning to deal with it too. I wouldn't expect support from him right now. It's really hard to see your husband completely shutdown. I've been there.

When this situation calms down, apologize for that question. Tell him you are worried about him and in trying to get clarification you said something completely stupid. Now you understand where he is coming from. Also, you do need to support him in supporting his family. Even if he was/is too involved with his mom(which happens), now is not the time. You could even offer to take some of the burden off his shoulders. If you need clarification on something maybe just ask why? And tell him you just want to understand.

I do believe he is lashing out. I think a grieving person deserves a lot of leniency but not a license to treat you badly. What worked for me was saying I get it, but I miss you. I also said that I knew there were higher priorities but if all we do is yell at each we will fall apart, so we need to figure out how to talk to each other without being angry. If he isn't grieving in a "healthy" way and still refuses therapy, you should probably go to therapy by yourself to help with your stress because he probably has no strength at the moment to help you with that.

Thank you. This response is actually helpful to me, and I appreciate that. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

angelashly · November 2013

potbellypig said:

amercer0 said:

potbellypig said:

I was asking in the "Is it worth doing it if you know the results will upset you if they are positive" type of way. I was more thinking that what happened has passed, there is nothing they could do about it now, so what would be the point in knowing it could have been prevented? It just seems like he's doing this test and then he's going to maybe mad at his dad for not taken preventative measures. Knowing the results can't change anything.
In my answer I'm going to assume you weren't being hurtful on purpose. I've been in a few stressful situations and have said idiotic things not meaning to hurt someone. A lot of times things just come out of my mouth completely wrong and not the way I meant them. Yes he had the death but I get this situation is putting a lot of stress on you as well and you are learning to deal with it too. I wouldn't expect support from him right now. It's really hard to see your husband completely shutdown. I've been there.

When this situation calms down, apologize for that question. Tell him you are worried about him and in trying to get clarification you said something completely stupid. Now you understand where he is coming from. Also, you do need to support him in supporting his family. Even if he was/is too involved with his mom(which happens), now is not the time. You could even offer to take some of the burden off his shoulders. If you need clarification on something maybe just ask why? And tell him you just want to understand.

I do believe he is lashing out. I think a grieving person deserves a lot of leniency but not a license to treat you badly. What worked for me was saying I get it, but I miss you. I also said that I knew there were higher priorities but if all we do is yell at each we will fall apart, so we need to figure out how to talk to each other without being angry. If he isn't grieving in a "healthy" way and still refuses therapy, you should probably go to therapy by yourself to help with your stress because he probably has no strength at the moment to help you with that.

Thank you. This response is actually helpful to me, and I appreciate that. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

This is exactly what everyone else said except we said not to pressure him to talk. I stand by that. Also don't be hurt if he doesn't answer the way you want.

potbellypig · November 2013

angelashly said:

amercer0 said:

potbellypig said:

I was asking in the "Is it worth doing it if you know the results will upset you if they are positive" type of way. I was more thinking that what happened has passed, there is nothing they could do about it now, so what would be the point in knowing it could have been prevented? It just seems like he's doing this test and then he's going to maybe mad at his dad for not taken preventative measures. Knowing the results can't change anything.
In my answer I'm going to assume you weren't being hurtful on purpose. I've been in a few stressful situations and have said idiotic things not meaning to hurt someone. A lot of times things just come out of my mouth completely wrong and not the way I meant them. Yes he had the death but I get this situation is putting a lot of stress on you as well and you are learning to deal with it too. I wouldn't expect support from him right now. It's really hard to see your husband completely shutdown. I've been there.

When this situation calms down, apologize for that question. Tell him you are worried about him and in trying to get clarification you said something completely stupid. Now you understand where he is coming from. Also, you do need to support him in supporting his family. Even if he was/is too involved with his mom(which happens), now is not the time. You could even offer to take some of the burden off his shoulders. If you need clarification on something maybe just ask why? And tell him you just want to understand.

I do believe he is lashing out. I think a grieving person deserves a lot of leniency but not a license to treat you badly. What worked for me was saying I get it, but I miss you. I also said that I knew there were higher priorities but if all we do is yell at each we will fall apart, so we need to figure out how to talk to each other without being angry. If he isn't grieving in a "healthy" way and still refuses therapy, you should probably go to therapy by yourself to help with your stress because he probably has no strength at the moment to help you with that.
Thank you. This response is actually helpful to me, and I appreciate that. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
This is exactly what everyone else said except we said not to pressure him to talk. I stand by that. Also don't be hurt if he doesn't answer the way you want.

Not really...not everyone, but many other posters came accross in a very unkind/snarky way that was immediately judgemental was not helpful at all. I'm trying to find some support or guidance to try to navigate this, because I don't always know how to react. At the moment I'm trying to manage what's going on in my life and I can't make the time to seek therapy/counceling or whatever to bounce these thoughts off of someone qualified to answer. I'm taking the good, constructive responses to this question heart. I appreciate that some responders offer good advice and experience.

RondackHiker · November 2013

GhostMonkey said:

LovelyRitaMeterMaid said:

GhostMonkey said:

So you are against him getting a $100 test done and possible a couple/few hundred more in a mitigation system so that it doesn't kill the rest of his family?

Yeah, you are pretty fucking awesome. And it could have been negative 10 years ago if it was tested and be positive now. It could also save the lives of the two that are still living there.

She didn't say she was against it. But she did say she questioned whether or not he should bother to find out if his family was living in a dangerous environment because it might "make him feel bad".

Not say it's better. Or that I get it.
____________________________________________________________

I'm sure he would feel pretty damn bad at all if they don't test and one or both of the other two people in his family die of the same thing in the next 6 months.

A non-smoker suddenly develops lung cancer and they have a home with a basement and there are people still living there. You do a radon test. There isn't a question.

ETA: I 100% back her husband and his response to her on this. Asshole doesn't even being to cover it, and her line of thinking is beyond insensitive. Per her post he wanted to get it tested for the sake of his mom and brother. She's the one that twisted it around to other bullshit. That is fucked up.

Hell, even if no one lives there and you're selling it, you test. I'd spend a hundred bucks to test the rental. If there's a chance the home could make someone sick, you do the test.

angelashly · November 2013

pobrecita said:
Maybe you just need to give YH some space. It sounds like you are making things worse for him.

This 100%
Im telling you not to be snarky, not to judge stop questioning him on why he is doing things, offer to help him if you can, and stop pushing him to talk when he isn't ready. You may push him away more if you don't back off. Been there done that.

NotSharknado · November 2013

Hugs, @Kimbus.

LoveActually4 · November 2013

I'm so sorry @Kimbus22, huge hugs.

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Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

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There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
Without you I'll never make it out alive
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