Random BF questions...

new+tothis · November 2013

I have a couple of random questions...

In general I let DS take one or two small toys with him when we go out so he can entertain himself. He often asks to take a small toy to BDs house. What are y'alls thoughts on this? I would like to let him take something but I wasn't sure if this is a BF no-no. He would only take something small and it would be totally fine if they never came back.

When do you let your kids have a cell phone? BD isn't good about answering the phone when I call to talk to DS. I would get him a kid phone that could only call a couple of numbers (probably me. BD, and DH). I was thinking maybe when he starts kinder. It would only be used for talking to us (BD and I).

If you rotate Christmas, do you try to do the same things every year or do you just do things totally different year to year? I'm wondering if I should try to keep things consistent year to year (like always celebrate on the same day / in the same way on my off years). This is the first year I won't have DS for Christmas. I'm definitely struggling with when to open gifts this year. I don't want to do them Christmas eve morning because DS will go to BDs mid-day and I think that would be hard (to leave his sister and all his newly opened gifts). I'm thinking maybe the day before or after he gets back from BDs.... perhaps make a tradition to do gifts on New Years Eve on off years?

sweetwalks · November 2013

SK typically brings a small toy in the car at pick up...if it's something he already has at our house it stays in the car so that we make sure it goes back. If not, we try to make sure he takes it back. We have enough toys lol

We get SK mid day Christmas Day & he has already opened presents from BM's house. I think it depends on his age. Since he's not even in K yet, it won't be a big deal. He'll be excited to go to BD's and open gifts there too

CFjo2010 · November 2013

new+tothis said:

I have a couple of random questions...

In general I let DS take one or two small toys with him when we go out so he can entertain himself. He often asks to take a small toy to BDs house. What are y'alls thoughts on this? I would like to let him take something but I wasn't sure if this is a BF no-no. He would only take something small and it would be totally fine if they never came back. The rule at our house is the kids' clothes/toys/books belong to the kids, not to us. If K wants to take something to Gma's, she's more than welcome to. BM will not let K take things over there or bring things here, but that's her choice. Same thing with my kiddos: If they want to take something when they go out to DC's they are more than welcome to. If they forget things I do not replace them, it's on them to be responsible for their belongings.

When do you let your kids have a cell phone? BD isn't good about answering the phone when I call to talk to DS. I would get him a kid phone that could only call a couple of numbers (probably me. BD, and DH). I was thinking maybe when he starts kinder. It would only be used for talking to us (BD and I). DS got a cellphone when he was in 6th grade, but only because the kids had to take public transportation in order to get home from school. I wanted him to be able to call for help if something came up with the bus. I think when a child is old/mature enough to handle the responsibility of a phone, then they can have one. But personally, I think it's silly to give a kid a cellphone just to call BD when with you or call you when with BD. That's on the adults to figure out and allow the child to call the other parent. If BD is already "not good" about answering the phone, what's to stop him from not remembering to charge DS' phone? How do you know BD won't take the phone away when he has DS?

If you rotate Christmas, do you try to do the same things every year or do you just do things totally different year to year? I'm wondering if I should try to keep things consistent year to year (like always celebrate on the same day / in the same way on my off years). This is the first year I won't have DS for Christmas. I'm definitely struggling with when to open gifts this year. I don't want to do them Christmas eve morning because DS will go to BDs mid-day and I think that would be hard (to leave his sister and all his newly opened gifts). I'm thinking maybe the day before or after he gets back from BDs.... perhaps make a tradition to do gifts on New Years Eve on off years? We will not have K or my kiddos this year for Christmas. Usually when this happens we have "Christmas" the first weekend we have everyone together after the kids come back from DC's. Now that we have PJ, we will do her Santa gifts while the kids are gone and then do the family gifts when everyone is back. I think doing gifts when DS comes back home will be a good idea in order to avoid any tears when he goes to BD's.

ream02 · November 2013

We've always pretty much not sent toys back and forth. We buy the clothes DD will need out our own houses and we both are pretty good about making sure that they go back or are returned.

As for Holiday's. We rotate TG. Xmas eve is always with her dad because that is traditionally always when her dad's family has done xmas. She spends the night for Santa and then comes home first thing in the morning and is with us Xmas day. Last xmas was DS's first xmas and since she found out Santa wasn't real last year she talked to her dad about only staying the night every other year so that she could spend xmas morning waking up with her little brother and soon to be little ?. If we rotated xmas we would likely do something similar to one of the other posts so that we can accommodate as much as possible.

JessH1474 · November 2013

We have always allowed SS to take things back and forth also, as has BM. SS is 12 so he is responsible for his own things now but we had to keep a closer eye when he was younger. We have never had any issues though.

SS got a cell phone when he was 10. Our main reason for getting him one was so that we could contact him directly and wouldn't have to go through BM. It was just easier on everyone and has cut down on a lot of arguing between BM and DH ( I feel at least). My DD who is 10 does not have a cell phone as we do not feel she needs it just yet. When she starts staying after school or being dropped off places, we'll talk about it, but for right now it would just be for show and not necessary.

We have SS for the first half of winter break until Christmas day at 1:00 on odd numbered years and from 1:00 on Christmas day until the Sunday before he goes back to school on even numbered years. On the years that he doesn't wake up at our house on Christmas day, we do our gifts as normal with the girls that morning and he opens his things when he gets to our house. I actually prefer that schedule as it gives us time to focus on the kids individually rather than everyone tearing into gifts at the same time.

CurlieWhirlie · November 2013

I agree with PPs who have said a child's belongings are his, he should be free to take them back and forth to each parent's house. This is the way we handle DS' things. He does leave things, but it's never been a big deal because XH and I are friendly. We have those "how did all of DS' socks end up at your house? Can you bring me half when you drop him off?" conversations and laugh about it.

SSs generally are not allowed to bring things back and forth. Their mother has had a strict policy of not allowing them to bring toys to our house because she's worried she won't get them back (based on no evidence, BTW), and since she's a bit messy and disorganized, SO tries to keep their nice things he has bought them at our house because he's worried they'd get lost at her house. Or maybe "lost". They have a terrible relationship, so if something is forgotten he can't just go swing by and pick it up.

We haven't had the cell phone conversation yet, but we're just beginning — the oldest SS will be in sixth grade next year so that might be a good time for a pay-as-you-go.

This is the first year for SO that he will not see his boys on Christmas, so not sure what our off-year tradition should be. Maybe New Year. I don't know if the oldest still believes in Santa, but I like the idea of "oh hey guys, you weren't here but Santa left some stuff for you at our house!"

With DS he will be at our house Christmas morning, and then we'll go to his dad's, and then everyone will go to my parents' (including XH). Like I said, we're all friendly, so I hope we can continue the tradition of all being together. Who knows what will happen when XH gets a girlfriend and actually has something else to do on holidays!

Pamelacake · November 2013

I think if he wants to take something small let him go for it. I couldn't do this in either of my situations but it couldn't hurt if you don't expect it back. With my DS, his things would get thrown away which was only hurting him.

The phone may cause issues but that's a personal choice. None of my K's/SK's got phones until they were at least 10yo, besides to play games on.

I think when he comes back is a good idea.. that way he won't have to rush and you can enjoy the time with him. This is what I did with DS, he got to open a few before he left and when he came back Santa had come and he would have those waiting for him or the other way around is good too. (The other party at the time told DS that the Santa that came to my house was fake, I would just tell him that Santa was confused so he came to both houses) I think you just have to find something that works for you.

YummyChef · November 2013

We tried doing the separate toys and clothes stash, but it was ridiculous because SS only spends 10-20% of his time at our house so he was outgrowing barely used things. So, we sent all of the clothes to his mom's house and she sends us a suitcase whenever he comes stay with us. For toys, DH's family's gifts stay at our house. BM already has tons of toys that she buys with DH's insane CS. There aren't many toys at our house so he does bring back and forth toys from his BM's house. We make sure that nothing important gets left behind at our house, but DH sees him everyday so if he did leave something behind it wouldn't be a big deal getting it back to him. The ONLY time this has been an issue, was 3 weeks ago, BM's dad got SS7 a brand new ipod touch for no reason and gave it to him hours before he had to leave for the weekend with us. BM wouldn't let SS bring the ipod to our house and he threw a fit. Doing things like that is just cruel, not to us (cuz we're adults) but to her own son. THAT made my blood boil, like she thought we were gonna steal it or something!

If it were up to me my SS7 would already have a phone, but he's kind of irresponsible and a bit lazy with the whole reading/writing thing so we wouldn't be able to text (My niece 7yo has been texting me for over a year with my SIL's phone). I'd say start teaching your kid right away everything about the phone, so that when you get it for him next year, he'll know what it's for, how to use it, etc. Maybe it'll be an incentive to read and write.

If this is your first christmas without him, maybe wait and see how it goes, have a loose adaptable plan and you can use that to make your "new traditions" plan, for upcoming years. I think it's unrealistic to try to do the exact same thing as there may be trips, new IL's, etc to deal with in the future.

Ilumine · November 2013

new+tothis said:

I have a couple of random questions...

In general I let DS take one or two small toys with him when we go out so he can entertain himself. He often asks to take a small toy to BDs house. What are y'alls thoughts on this? I would like to let him take something but I wasn't sure if this is a BF no-no. He would only take something small and it would be totally fine if they never came back.

I honestly believe that this is a very flexible situation. While gifts ARE for the children, they are still children and you have to rely on the ADULTS supervising the children to ensure that the gifts are used properly and returned.

I would allow small, inexpensive gifts to go back and forth. But I would not allow expensive ones to until the child is responsible enough to ensure that those items are safe. And that the child is mature enough to handle the consequences of the loss/destruction of said item.

SS lost/destroyed 3 PSPs and 2 Ipod touches. All when he should have been mature enough to deal with the consequences. Well he and BM was not responsible enough to have said items in his mother's care (all losses were with her) and neither of them as well as DH were capable of dealing the the fall out. Hence 5 pieces of expensive electronics gone.

You have to keep all of that in mind when you let something out of the house.

When do you let your kids have a cell phone? BD isn't good about answering the phone when I call to talk to DS. I would get him a kid phone that could only call a couple of numbers (probably me. BD, and DH). I was thinking maybe when he starts kinder. It would only be used for talking to us (BD and I).

I would not allow DD to have a phone until she was at least 10 or 11. If the child cannot be responsible for his/her toys why would you think he/she would be responsible for a phone.

Not to mention, if the BP is not answering his/her phone, why do you think he/she is going to allow/be responsible enough to carry at all times the child's phone, NO?

SO you are going to give a 5 year old a phone and hold him or her responsible for having it on him or her at ALL times AND not lose it when they are out?

You address the BP's lack of response, not put the responsibility on child who is not mature enough. And kindergarden isnt really.

If you rotate Christmas, do you try to do the same things every year or do you just do things totally different year to year? I'm wondering if I should try to keep things consistent year to year (like always celebrate on the same day / in the same way on my off years). This is the first year I won't have DS for Christmas. I'm definitely struggling with when to open gifts this year. I don't want to do them Christmas eve morning because DS will go to BDs mid-day and I think that would be hard (to leave his sister and all his newly opened gifts). I'm thinking maybe the day before or after he gets back from BDs.... perhaps make a tradition to do gifts on New Years Eve on off years?

Honestly, this is yet another reason why I would never split the holidays like this.

We alternate by the school holiday schedule. So the SKs always left the evening or day after school got out. And they would get their gifts when they returned. And the years they were not here, they did not get Santa gifts because Santa goes to the house they are in...and at least BM followed that tradition.

But in your case, I would institute a ONE gift on Christmas Eve rule (not giving them the best gift from you) for every year and on the years you do not have the kids, I would wait until they got back.

twister22 · November 2013

new+tothis said:

I have a couple of random questions...

In general I let DS take one or two small toys with him when we go out so he can entertain himself. He often asks to take a small toy to BDs house. What are y'alls thoughts on this? I would like to let him take something but I wasn't sure if this is a BF no-no. He would only take something small and it would be totally fine if they never came back.
Sometimes DS wants to take little toys and I'm generally fine with that. However, when he has asked to take a toy that goes with a set or an expensive toy, I've reminded him that he has lots of toys at BD's house. I used to allow DS to take "important" toys with him, and then we never saw them again. BD is famous for losing clothes, toys, whatever. It's not a vicious thing, he genuinely can't find crap. DS frequently comes back with no socks and underwear, it's absolutely ridiculous. So if DS takes something, we make sure it's something that it doesn't matter if it comes back or not. DS is 5, btw.

When do you let your kids have a cell phone? BD isn't good about answering the phone when I call to talk to DS. I would get him a kid phone that could only call a couple of numbers (probably me. BD, and DH). I was thinking maybe when he starts kinder. It would only be used for talking to us (BD and I).
DS is too young for a phone now, and I can't imagine him having a need for one until he's somewhere by himself (like an after school activity.) I'm not sure though, maybe I'll want him to have one earlier.

If you rotate Christmas, do you try to do the same things every year or do you just do things totally different year to year? I'm wondering if I should try to keep things consistent year to year (like always celebrate on the same day / in the same way on my off years). This is the first year I won't have DS for Christmas. I'm definitely struggling with when to open gifts this year. I don't want to do them Christmas eve morning because DS will go to BDs mid-day and I think that would be hard (to leave his sister and all his newly opened gifts). I'm thinking maybe the day before or after he gets back from BDs.... perhaps make a tradition to do gifts on New Years Eve on off years?
We don't rotate Christmas, but if we did I would wait on anything that I could control. For example, we go to my parents' on Christmas Eve and they do a dinner and open gifts from extended family members. Obviously I wouldn't ask them to wait on that. I would just set DS's gifts aside and have them open them when he got home, and I'm sure family would give leftovers and treats for me to give to DS. However, I can control when we open immediate family gifts, so I would wait until we had DS.

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