Work interferring w/ connecting with other moms- Vent

sidey1 · November 2013

During my Mat leave I joined a meet up with other moms who had babies born within the same 3 month window. We'd meet up once or twice a week to just hang out for a few with the babies, there were about 15 of us and I was suprised that out of that group it seems that many of the moms are going the SAHM route, at least for now.

I think there are only 3 or 4 other moms that have returned to work fulltime including myself and well we don't get to meet up really at all anymore. They all still meet as a group to do different activities during the week w/ the babes and do a happy hour meet up at least once a week. I guess I'm feeling left out and the loss of those connections. They've encouraged me to leave work early and join the happy hours ect but that's really not feasible with my job and the more time that passes the more awkward it feels to hang out since the group that sees each other all the time just get's tighter w/ one another. I have a vision of them all having these huge joint bday parties and play dates ect and my poor DS will basically only have adults attending his.

I've tried to suggest weekend meet ups, but since most of them have a partner that works during the week they want to spend weekends together, which I totally understand. DH and I did go to a weekend meet up not that long ago, but again kind of awkward since everyone else sees each other at least a few times a week.

How do you make connections with other moms when your working all the time? DH does the daycare dropoff/pickup so I can't even take advantage of that time to talk to other parents. I know when DS gets a bit older and is involved in activities it will be a bit easier but that's not for a few more years. Just feeling a bit lonely right now, my best friend doesn't plan on having children and isn't really a baby kind of person either, so that's not really helping the issue at all.

rockychryslerb2010 · November 2013

What about starting a facebook group for your mom's group? I have a facebook group with moms of babies all around E's age and we still 'talk' all the time through the facebook group. It is set as private so no one can see your activity, or that you're a part of it. We try to have meet ups on Sat or Sun mornings every few weeks - we usually schedule something every 4-6 weeks.

sidey1 · November 2013

PrivacyWanted said:

If I was good at the search function I'd find the post for you last week that had a similar "how to make working mom friends" thread.
Are you still in touch with the other women who went back to work? If so, maybe you could plan a work-day lunch with them? I find lunches to be the easiest time to get together with other working moms, both friends and those whom I've met through a networking group.
Can you plan your own weekend get-together and invite along all who want to join. IE you want to go apple picking, you pick a weekend and invite any other families from that group who want to join you to do so.
If you're into running or walking, there's a national free group called Moms Run This Town (MRTT), each chapter is a little different. I started my city's chapter and most of our meetup times are geared toward working moms (for obvious reasons).
Also, I've found as DD has gotten older there are a lot more opportunities for playdates etc, and meeting other working moms (like through dance class, and gymnastics)

Well I just did a little search and it's at least nice to know I'm not alone in finding this part of things difficult and that I'm not some sort of social deviant!

We do have a facebook group, but again almost all the moms are SAHM or work p/t. Most of the posts revolve around happy hour ect, I think maybe I'll just try to post a bit more actively so that while I might not be physcially present, at least I'll stay in the loop.. Why is this starting to feel like 9th grade again? I always had a good group of friends but am admittedly poor at reaching out and making them on my own, never realized having a child really pushes your interpersonal boundries as well as everything else!!

JJ_13 · November 2013

You need to find working mom friends. Like @PrivacyWanted said, lunches with my girl friends are the best. Most (though not all) of my girl friends work so they totally get the crazy, busy life of a parent to young children. There's no judging, no pettiness, and definitely no playdates at 10 am on a Wednesday!!

jlaOK · November 2013

Can you suggest a "girl's night out" once in a while? As long as they have someone to watch the kids I don't know why any woman (SAHM or WM) wouldn't want to go out for an evening to have some kid-free time.

jf198400 · November 2013

I'll admit that 3 years in and I still don't really have any working mom friends. I do actively post on here and on a fb group so I feel like I have people to talk to about mom stuff. But I mostly just socialize with people at work and my old friends.

sidey1 · November 2013

I keep pushing DH to make intros to the mom's at daycare, especially because there is a little boy that is DS age that he mostly "hangs" with at daycare but he feels weird about it, like they'll think he's hitting on them or something, (which if you knew my DH you would find hysterical, he's the most nonthreatening man I've ever met).

I like the idea of maybe planning a ladies only night, or trying to figure out a way to connect w/ the working moms that are in the group only without stepping on anyones toes..

Karla CS · November 2013

Nicb13 said:
What's bad is that I don't try to make plans with my friends and if I do, it's like once a month. I work all week and on the weekend, I want to be with my family. If I can get a sitter and go out, I mainly want to spend alone time with DH. I really should reach out to friends more but I don't.

100x this. I feel like the time I get to spend with my kid and husband is so rare, that most of the time, it's what I'd rather do. I get together with friends at a couple times a month, but beyond that, I'm really not trying to meet a bunch of new people. Every so often I do, but sometimes it just seems like more effort than it's worth.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

ClaryPax said:

I would suggest busting out of your SAHM group or group that is mostly SAHMs and just do things one on one rather than a group setting.

Partially this. I'd stop looking for the GROUP thing, but perhaps reach out to the women who you know also work and maybe get your own thing going on. Even if it's just one on one occasionally.

I'll tell ya - from looking around me and talking to moms who live near me, the SAH/Working mom thing really is a pretty big divide. It sucks! But it really is two different worlds on many levels.

Which is why I'd move your focus to finding other working moms in your area who may feel the same way you do and who can plan stuff on weekends too.

iverske9 · November 2013

I would reach out to the 3-4 other working moms and start hanging out with them. Not that I would forget about the others but the working moms will most likely have the same schedule and want to get together on the weekends. I have a great group of working mom friends and we always schedule when moms can (Friday after 6;30 and weekends)

daisy662 · November 2013

I agree that you should try to find some working mom friends. I have some sahm friends that honestly I can only take so much of because all they do is complain about how hard they have it which just aggravates me... Not the case with all of them, but several. I definitely relate more with my working mom friends and find it easier to get together with them based on more similar schedules.

LoCarb · November 2013

Sidey said:

I keep pushing DH to make intros to the mom's at daycare, especially because there is a little boy that is DS age that he mostly "hangs" with at daycare but he feels weird about it, like they'll think he's hitting on them or something, (which if you knew my DH you would find hysterical, he's the most nonthreatening man I've ever met).
I like the idea of maybe planning a ladies only night, or trying to figure out a way to connect w/ the working moms that are in the group only without stepping on anyones toes..

Just as planning a monthly date night is important to your marriage, it's also important to have a girls/friends night out. Likewise for your H. My advice, each month choose a day and plan a friends night out while the other watches LO.

If you want to meet the other mom in DC, have your H drop a note in his cubby with your contact info and a short message.

Send an evite to your existing mommy group of friends and make a big deal about a monthly GTG.

sidey1 · November 2013

For some reason I can't get rid of this stupid text box. Thanks for the suggestions!
To clarify, I do go out with my friends but they are all childless, it does make a big difference, they really can only tolerate a little bit of baby chat and then their ready to move on to other topics and I don't blame them, lol. So for me it's really about getting together w/ other mom's that have infants so we can share resources, experiences ect.
Last night I searched for a working mom's group and lo and behold one popped up that's in my neighborhood. It looks like they get together at least once a month after the kids go to bed, I'm going to pu my intro out there and see what becomes of it. We're also going to start swimming classes soon, so maybe there's an opportunity there.
I do feel being a SAHM is a job in itself and is difficult in it's own way, it's just difficult in a different kind of way and the challenges are certainly different which is why I feel a bit aliented from that group at this point.

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