NBR- DSD grrrr....vent

potatoe6 · November 2013

I know this should go in blended families, but I am not part of that group, and I am more comfortable here.

So we just found out DSD (15) has decided she is moving out to live with BM. How did we find out? Through a text BM sent DH asking when DSD can come and get her stuff as she needs her bed, dresser and laptop (that he purchased). DH is racing home now as DSD has key to our house and doesn't trust BM. BM has never bought this girl anything or does anything for her, tells her lies all the time, breaks promises. But all of a sudden BM is the best. Apparently DSD, doesn't even want to come and visit us. We have no idea what is going on, we knew she was unhappy and always gave her an option of deciding who she wants to live with, but this comes out of left field, and I think it is a very strange way it is happening, almost like it was planned. I don't know, not really looking for advice just needed to type it out to someone as I am here at work unable to do anything.

StokedWifey · November 2013

This is ignorant, but what is BM? I guess the gist of who it is, but all I can think of is bowel movement. Such a mom...

I have no advice, but am keeping y'all in my thoughts. I can imagine that's a big sting to both of you, but especially YH. I hope it gets sorted out quickly.

potatoe6 · November 2013

bellaxanthe said:

That is strange that there haven't been full on conversations about logisitics and such. Doesn't BM Birth Mom have things for her like a bed and such if she ever stays there? It just seems ridiculous that she doesn't have the basics at her place. Is there any outside drama that might be influencing her/SD to want to leave?

She lives in a 2 bdrm appartment, one room for BM (Birthmom) and the other for her half sister, when she stays there, DSD kicks half sister out of her room, and BM and half sister stay in BM's room. She doesn't have anything there for her, she doesn't buy her anything, she gets the hand me downs of her little half sister, who is 10 but is bigger then her.

There is alot of other drama but too much too type, basically DSD wants to treat DH like a door mat and DH is not taking it anymore, so she think BM's place has no rules so it'll be better there.

Meow84 said:

I'm guessing Birth Mom (Baby Mama....?). Anyway, it seems that when the teen years hit, this kind of stuff happens with divorced parents. The grass is always greener...hopefully this is just short-lived.

It will be short lived as BM doesn't have a car, so getting around is all public transit, her high school is a 20 min walk to the bus stop, then an hour bus ride (2 buses), and once it reaches -40 C, it will not be pleasant. Also BM does everything for little half sister, she has already cancelled 2 of DSD very important appts this week, because she has to take little half sister to her appts.

It is just so stressful, I want DH to take her key for the time being until things settle as I don't trust DSD or BM.

StokedWifey · November 2013

@bliz1712 Thanks! I knew DSD, etc., but BM tripped me up! Duh.

StokedWifey · November 2013

potatoe6 said:

bellaxanthe said:

That is strange that there haven't been full on conversations about logisitics and such. Doesn't BM Birth Mom have things for her like a bed and such if she ever stays there? It just seems ridiculous that she doesn't have the basics at her place. Is there any outside drama that might be influencing her/SD to want to leave?

She lives in a 2 bdrm appartment, one room for BM (Birthmom) and the other for her half sister, when she stays there, DSD kicks half sister out of her room, and BM and half sister stay in BM's room. She doesn't have anything there for her, she doesn't buy her anything, she gets the hand me downs of her little half sister, who is 10 but is bigger then her.

There is alot of other drama but too much too type, basically DSD wants to treat DH like a door mat and DH is not taking it anymore, so she think BM's place has no rules so it'll be better there.

Meow84 said:

I'm guessing Birth Mom (Baby Mama....?). Anyway, it seems that when the teen years hit, this kind of stuff happens with divorced parents. The grass is always greener...hopefully this is just short-lived.

It will be short lived as BM doesn't have a car, so getting around is all public transit, her high school is a 20 min walk to the bus stop, then an hour bus ride (2 buses), and once it reaches -40 C, it will not be pleasant. Also BM does everything for little half sister, she has already cancelled 2 of DSD very important appts this week, because she has to take little half sister to her appts.

It is just so stressful, I want DH to take her key for the time being until things settle as I don't trust DSD or BM.

YIKES! And your SD is voluntarily moving herself into the second fiddle position? I hope it's over quickly and she realizes she is much better off where she is now.

potatoe6 · November 2013

Well she came tonight and packed her clothes, she is def. under her moms influence as she chopped all her hair off, I mean over a foot off it is cut like her moms, she is wearing trashy clothes, loads of make up, just looks trashy like her mom( I would never say that to anyone).

She basically has no plans to visit anytime soon, and her reason is she is mad at DH, but wouldn't say why.
We are looking at getting the security system activated so she can keep her key but will have to type in her code to deactivate and once she does we will get a notification on our phones. Th

bumpuser1509193 · November 2013

I'm sorry you have to deal with this bologna. I hope she cones to her senses soon. Teenagers are the worst!

ashleynaka · November 2013

I agree that it's weird. Maybe DSD is unhappy and this is an easy fix. I predict it will be short lived since she has been with you guys so long. Blended families are hard and stuff like this definitely doesn't make it any easier. Good luck in trying to figure out what is going on. Keep us posted.

potatoe6 · November 2013

andreab7412 said:

Oh man! Does bm want child support ? That is what I first thought of. She wants freedom and bm wants money.

I think BM is going to try and get support, DH said good luck as he(we) have been raising her and haven't asked her for a dime, if she takes him to court over it, we can file back support for almost 12-13 years, plus intertest.

As of today everything is quiet, I am giving DH space to work through this.

potatoe6 · November 2013

zpanjwani said:

Can she even do this? Don't any changes to custody have to be amended in the divorce papers?

First, DH and her were never married so there are no papers and they never went to court or had any custody orders drawn up, everything for the last 12-13 years has been verible (sp?) and there has been no issues. BM has always maintained that DSD is better with DH as she cannot afford nor has the patience to deal with her full time. Even a few weeks ago, she was supposed to stay at her place for the Thanksgiving weekend, but BM sent us an email saying that she'll keep her for the Friday night and decide on Saturday about the rest of the weekend, because if she is going to be bitchy and difficult she doesn't want her there ruining their holiday. Like seriously she is your daughter, do you think we really want her with us if she is that way, no, but we don't send her away, we just provide more love.

christieep · November 2013

This definitely sounds like it won't last. I hope she comes to her senses before she is able to get into any trouble at BM's (where is sounds like she might not have the best supervision or role model).

Like someone else said, the grass is always greener. Hopefully she realizes soon that it actually is greener at your place.

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