Party question

CFjo2010 · November 2013

K’s birthday is in December. Every year, DH and I do a friend “outing” for K’s birthday (she picks 4-5 friends and we go have hair done and lunch, or miniature golfing and dinner, etc.), since BM throws a park party with the classmates and BM’s friends. DH asked K this weekend what she wants to do with her friends this year, and she said she wants a Build A Bear party. DH told her “no problem”, and he’s setting it up. Yup, he's setting it up. Nice change for once, huh?

Here’s my issue, if you want to call it an issue. How bad of a position is it going to put some parents in when they receive 2 invites? More than likely BM will try to do K’s party the weekend after DH is planning this one, so 6 kids will be getting double invites. Our weekend options are super limited because of when my kids leave for DC’s and come back (K has stated that DD has to be at her party). The invites for what we would be doing with K would go out next week to make sure people have 3 weeks notice (is that the norm? Or is it 2 weeks?), meaning they will get the invites for our gathering before BM’s, and will have probably RSVP’d prior to receiving her invite.

Thoughts?

sweetwalks · November 2013

1. I think it's super awesome that DH is setting this up!

2. I think it's sweet that K wants DD there.

3. I think parents will just choose where to go. Have DH make sure K understands that some friends may not come to both.

4. I think 3 weeks is fine, with an RSVP.

We don't have this issue because we are semi long distance and I'm not sure how we'll handle SK parties later.

Banana44 · November 2013

Here are my thoughts, but they may not be popular:

- If i received 2 invites for my DD's classmates party - I wouldn't go to either. The only exception would be if I were close to one of the parents - then I would go to the party for the parent I am friends with.

Okay - 2 exceptions - if i had already RSVP's to a party I would follow through on my commitment.

I say this coming from a high conflict blended family. With DH and BM - only 1 throws a friend party, and we always let it be BM until last year when SS asked to invite friends to our party.

twister22 · November 2013

Do you know the parents of the friends that K wants to invite? Could you say something to them in passing, like please don't feel obligated to get a gift, especially because you know BM will be doing a party too?

Most people know your guys' situation, and I wouldn't stress it too much.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

@Banana44 I get what you're saying. There is one girl that K wants to invite whose mom is close with BM. I won't be surprised (or upset) if she RSVP's "no" to this party. But a few of the other girls she wants to invite are close-ish with me, and on the outs with BM. I just worry about K feeling like she's "not allowed" to have gatherings with us, KWIM?

@twister22 We usually make a comment like that in passing. I understand that people might feel obligated to get 2 gifts, and I don't want them to. DH just wants to be able to celebrate with K for her birthday too. I think it's silly that only one parent gets to call dibs on birthday parties.

+just+j+ · November 2013

Honestly? If your husband is handling it...,this is his concern to worry about.

Take my mom's reply when people who are helping her ask her if they are doing it right: If you are doing it, it must be right.

In other words...be glad and appreciate him for doing it. No matter how it gets done or the results. Its getting done.

Sigir · November 2013

IMO there should be one friend party. However I come from a place that I am the custodial parent and my exh lives 45 min away. Therefore I would never be in the situation you are in.

So I say go w j... It's up to your dh now. Step back and let him handle it, every bit of it. What is the worst that can happen- some other parents think it's odd? Who cares.

twister22 · November 2013

jobalchak said:

@Banana44 I get what you're saying. There is one girl that K wants to invite whose mom is close with BM. I won't be surprised (or upset) if she RSVP's "no" to this party. But a few of the other girls she wants to invite are close-ish with me, and on the outs with BM. I just worry about K feeling like she's "not allowed" to have gatherings with us, KWIM?

@twister22 We usually make a comment like that in passing. I understand that people might feel obligated to get 2 gifts, and I don't want them to. DH just wants to be able to celebrate with K for her birthday too. I think it's silly that only one parent gets to call dibs on birthday parties.

Like KarateChrissy said, people may just choose one party or the other instead of going to both.

I agree that it's silly to call dibs on birthday parties. Would joint birthday parties ever be a possibility with you guys?

+just+j+ · November 2013

If you don't get along, It's always an option to switch out every other year. Each parent gets their turn.

I have no interest in celebrating DD's birthday with XH or his girlfriend. They are always trying to one up me. It's not worth the frustration of their game.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

twister22 said:

jobalchak said:

@Banana44 I get what you're saying. There is one girl that K wants to invite whose mom is close with BM. I won't be surprised (or upset) if she RSVP's "no" to this party. But a few of the other girls she wants to invite are close-ish with me, and on the outs with BM. I just worry about K feeling like she's "not allowed" to have gatherings with us, KWIM?

@twister22 We usually make a comment like that in passing. I understand that people might feel obligated to get 2 gifts, and I don't want them to. DH just wants to be able to celebrate with K for her birthday too. I think it's silly that only one parent gets to call dibs on birthday parties.

Like KarateChrissy said, people may just choose one party or the other instead of going to both.

I agree that it's silly to call dibs on birthday parties. Would joint birthday parties ever be a possibility with you guys?

Nope. Never.

Nineoceans · November 2013

twister22 said:
Do you know the parents of the friends that K wants to invite? Could you say something to them in passing, like please don't feel obligated to get a gift, especially because you know BM will be doing a party too?

Most people know your guys' situation, and I wouldn't stress it too much.

This is what we do, no gift activity party, even still usually only 1 kid from my SS's school goes (all the others go to bm's party) so we invite the neighbor friends and my friends kids

Banana44 · November 2013

Nineoceans said:

This is what we do, no gift activity party, even still usually only 1 kid from my SS's school goes (all the others go to bm's party) so we invite the neighbor friends and my friends kids

This is what we do. We have a huge party every year - last year we had a dunk tank and a 25 ft water slide - but we invite the neighborhood friends and family (now SS does have 15 cousins on our side). BM normally has the school friends party.

Since SS is now 10 - he chose last year to invite 3 of his close friends from school - 2 of them came.

We would never have a joint party. Never. And if BM wants to throw the friend party - so be it. Its lots of money, lots of stress, and little fun! We love the big parties we throw and SS has fun with or without his school friends!

If K asked for the party and the friends to come then I would probably follow her wishes (we did last year with SS) - but what I was saying earlier is that I would feel awkward if I were a Mom that received 2 invites. I would prefer to stay out of the drama - so I just wouldn't go.

Good Luck

JessH1474 · November 2013

Our BM does the friend parties for SS b/c we live 1.5 hours away and we usually just do a birthday outing like you mentioned. Do you think if DH talked with BM, she would agree to just let you guys do the friend bday this year? You could also propose that you guys switch off each year, especially since it sounds like you know most of the same people. She might welcome the idea of not having to be in charge of a huge party every year, stranger things have happened...lol!

CFjo2010 · November 2013

+just+j+ said:

If you don't get along, It's always an option to switch out every other year. Each parent gets their turn.

Oh @+just+j+ you know BM would never agree to alternating years to do K's party. She gets off on telling everyone how she put in so much time planning the party, and she had to pay for everything, and she does it just to see K smile... If we were to alternate, what would she have to seek praise for?

8-|

Littlejen22 · November 2013

I would call the parents instead of sending an invite or do both. That let's you talk to them and makes them feel more comfortable. I would even tell them not to bring a gift so they feel they can do both.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

Littlejen22 said:

I would call the parents instead of sending an invite or do both. That let's you talk to them and makes them feel more comfortable. I would even tell them not to bring a gift so they feel they can do both.

I talked to DH about this a little last night and here's what he is thinking of doing:

Instead of "Birthday" invitations, he's going to get blank invites and call it a "Friendship Party". Will K consider it a birthday party? Yes. Will the other kids? Maybe. But hopefully phrasing it that way will make parents a little more comfortable...

Lavender P · November 2013

jobalchak said:

+just+j+ said:

If you don't get along, It's always an option to switch out every other year. Each parent gets their turn.

Oh @+just+j+ you know BM would never agree to alternating years to do K's party. She gets off on telling everyone how she put in so much time planning the party, and she had to pay for everything, and she does it just to see K smile... If we were to alternate, what would she have to seek praise for?

8-|

This made me LOL. She is a piece of work.

Anyway, I would definitely send my child if they got two invites. It is twice the amount of fun for my kid. I probably wouldn't get a present for both though.

ream02 · November 2013

That's a tough situation. I don't have that issue because DD has different friends at her dad's than at our house so it's different friends invited. I do school friends and he does sports & their friends kids. Your situation is different and it would be tough for the parents that may be receiving the two invites. You could always call those 6 parents and let them know the situation that way they aren't annoyed or blindsided. Also that way they may choose one party over the other and you can just prepare K for that.

YummyChef · November 2013

I agree with PP who said "let her throw the friends party" and do your own thing, if SK wants any "duplicate" friends over then whatever... also, have you considered different sets of friends for these parties? Maybe sports team for one party, band friends for other or something like that... girls for one, boys and girls for the other... school friends for one, neighbors for other... etc etc...

This year was our first "separate bday parties" BM had all the school friends at a super lavish party and we had DH's nieces and nephews at a small bowling outing & cake party. We didn't really care, because each year BM chooses to spend thousands of dollars on this party and then claims all year long to be broke. She's probably compensating from never being there for her kid.

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