Help me Please! NBR (Long)

tamarar5 · November 2013

I am so frustrated with my family!!!! I'm sorry if I've posted this in the past, but I'm having a lot of trouble letting it go.

You might remember that we all drove 1500 miles this summer to go to my brother's out of state wedding (he lives there, no one else does). We had a HORRIBLE time. The wedding was nice but it was 120+ inside with no windows and no a/c. My family was hateful and unwelcoming, and even though we were there for 10 days, my brother didn't make one ounce of effort to see us outside the ceremony. Even worse, after nearly having heatstroke during the ceremony with then 6 mo old E, DH an I hurried across the road to the reception place because they had a deep underground basement that was about 60degrees cooler than outside. DD was the flower girl so she stayed in the receiving line with my parents, brother, wife, and wedding party. Well, they took all the family pictures without us. There is not one pic of me at my brother's wedding! Not one pic of our family with me in it. We were ACROSS THE STREET and they all knew it but no one bothered to just walk the extra 30 feet to get us for pictures.

I've said before that DH and I are actually getting married on 11/15, so the day is coming fast. Well, brother isn't even attempting to make an effort to come to my wedding! I am trying to be understanding-- after all, he did just get married and go on his honeymoon, so I get that money is tight. I really do!

But I still can't help being mad at him. My family and I wasted our summer vacation going to the Wedding in HE double hockey sticks. It was AWFUL. It was miserably hot, the relatives were heinous, the trip was wretched, AND I lost my job while we were gone so instead of coming home to a paycheck, I had no job. We spent the entire rest of the year scrimping by just to get caught back up on bills after his wedding. Had we known before we left that I wasn't going to have a job, we wouldn't have gone.

Now, I'm down to the last few days, my breastpump is toast and I've had to spend my wedding hair money on getting parts for the pump I'm borrowing until I am approved on the new insurance, I hate BFing now because E is so abusive. Not to mention, my brother isn't coming to the biggest day of my life.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. In my head I totally understand why brother can't make it. I truly get it! But I'm still angry and I'm really having a hard time getting over it! I don't want this to become a rift between us, brother and I used to be super close! Any suggestions? Advice? Rant?

SidraJedi · November 2013

My brother didn't come to my wedding either. He lived in the next neighborhood over, not even another state. He was too busy fighting with his wife to take an hour out of his day to call a truce and come to the wedding. I fought with him when he showed up at my house later that night and we didn't talk again for nearly a year.

But, even though my brother didn't show and my mom forbade me from inviting my dad and I listened to her because I wanted her to show up but then she didn't (!!!), it was one of the best days of my life.

I'm sure your wedding will be wonderful (without your brother)!

Rosebean · November 2013

I totally know how you feel. When my SIL had her first baby, we jumped to drive over 2 provinces to see her. When we had DS, she took 7 months to come see him. And I had tried to make arrangement for us to meet at a mutual spot that we were both heading to at an earlier time... Which she kiboshed. Then when I tried to arrange her to stop over while she was flying over us to go to Montreal! she still managed to get out of it. The only reason she ever came as fast as she did was because she got a guilt trip from family over it. And sometimes there is only two ways around this: 1) talk to your brother and get straight to the point. Why would you miss out on my wedding when I made every effort to come to yours or 2) get family involved. Sometimes we need advocates who will put things into perspective for our siblings. And your brother needs perspective. He obviously doesn't quite understand how much this disappoints and stresses you out, along with making you feel like you're not important enough for him to make the same effort you put into the relationship. And quite honestly, he needs to know that if he doesn't show up, it's going to leave a very bad taste in your mouth for a very long time. He needs to know it's not going to be a shrug and get over it situation. Because with the way you are feeling, it's not fair for him to expect you to just let it go. So I would at least give him the chance to know how you are feeling, and how it will make you feel if he doesn't show up. I wouldn't necessarily drag up the whole "your wedding was torture and we still came" route, but definitely make it a "we are family and this is a two way street" bit.

tamarar5 · November 2013

I've never told him how awful it was at his wedding and I never would. To be fair, other than not visiting at any point during our 10 day stay and the pictures, the weather and our miserable family aren't his fault. (example of our family: my grandmother told me at brothers reception that I was a miserable and hateful mother because I told my DD that she couldn't have a third class of soda and she started crying.)

How do you think I should try to bring this up with him? The one and only time he talked to me about the wedding back in September, he said he wasn't sure that they would be able to make it. I was upset back then but tried to be understanding, again he just paid for a wedding too! I don't think he even know I'm upset. But then again, he's a guy and pretty dense. I could tell him in upset and he might not get it.

jdilorenzo · November 2013

I am so sorry. I think your brother should come to your wedding. I would be very upset too. Best wishes in your wedding and I really hope everything works out.

Gftf7 · November 2013

I have a pretty mellow family, so don't have any experience with what you are dealing with. I am sorry that you *are* having to deal with this, especially at this time.

I just wanted to (respectfully) mention that with weddings, and with life in general, a person can not control what happens to them. They can only control how they react to the situation.

I was married Feb '12, so not that long ago. Usually I am the one that takes care of the little details at family gatherings, but I could only do so much that day. I remember preparing myself, that at a certain point, I was not going to worry about things. I was determined that I was not going to let anything ruin the day for me. While a few little things came up, nothing was, truly, 'that big'.

That's the *rational* side of things.

As far as the *emotional* side of things? YES, you have every right to be upset that your brother is not making ANY effort to attend your wedding. Especially when you personally sacrificed A LOT to be there for his wedding.

And I also agree that the 'wedding industrial complex' is CRAZY!!!!! I finally had to stop looking at all the pretty pictures on The Knot. It just wasn't in the cards for us. The best thing I did for myself is to give myself permission to let things go. A lot of things. We didn't do wedding favors. No big wedding party; DH and I just had each of our sisters stand up with us. I could go on. The big thing for me, is that at the end of the day, DH and I were married. We did it!

Of course, I say all this from the perspective of looking back. It only took a few days after the wedding for me to realize how many of the things that we *did* do for the wedding, we could have cut back on. So while it wasn't the 'perfect' wedding, it was the perfect wedding for us.

Big hugs to you as your wedding day approaches! And CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!

Rosebean · November 2013

Have you tried simply saying "I honestly cannot imagine my brother not being there during one of the most important days of my life. I wouldn't have missed your wedding for the world, and it breaks my heart when I think you won't be there for mine". Now, while you had the experience you had at his wedding, the truth is that you would be there. No matter what. I think sometimes, with men, we really have to appeal to them in the right matter. If I were in your shoes, this would mean swallowing a big piece of crow. I have way too much pride. But this is a good place to start. And if from there, the conversation doesn't end with him saying he will make the upmost effort to come to your wedding, then I would make a point to let him know how much it really hurts your feelings that he doesn't find you important enough in his life to come to something so meaningful. After that, it's in his court. If he doesn't show, you need to decide what your actions towards him after would be. Would you cut him out of your life? Not talk to him for a while? Offer him an olive branch? Forgive him? Has he given a valid reason for not coming?

tamarar5 · November 2013

I had a conversation with my Mom today and before I had a chance to say anything, she told me that he said he was super disappointed that he couldn't make it here. He told her that he knew it was important to be here but he just couldn't make the money appear.

I wish he would have said it to ME and not to our MOTHER... but it helps. Like I said in my initial post, I truly do understand that finances are tight. They married, the went on a (extravagant) honeymoon, held a big reception, and just moved (again). But instead of talking to me-- I've called many times lately, I'm kind of going stir crazy and missing outside interaction with other adults-- but he doesn't answer the phone.

Sigh. Why do siblings have to grow up?

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