LONG: Is it unreasonable of me... Christmas

Re: LONG: Is it unreasonable of me... Christmas

• JessH1474 member

  November 2013

  No, I don't think you're being unreasonable.  That's great that he has his traditions, but that was before you came into the picture.  Now it's time for you to make traditions of your of your own as a family.  I would try to make your rounds when it works out, but you guys can't be expected to do that every single year since you alternate the holiday with your kids.  Maybe he could suggest that the two of you go to Mass on the years you don't have your kids and on the years you do, you will have to schedule another time (just like you are doing with YOUR family) to get together.  It sounds like they are all really accepting of your kids, so I would hope they would understand.  Gotta love the holidays with a blended family!

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• Banana44 member

  November 2013

  I don't think you are unreasonable.

  
  

  I am a child of divorce and let me tell you how I felt about Christmas.  I hated it.  Being drug all over the city from one parent to another to grandparents and extended family.  Yuck! I never got to play with my gifts or just hang out!

  
  

  Now, with my kids - we don't do anything.  We spend Christmas Eve at home watching Christmas movies or baking cookies or doing whatever we want.  We watch Santa on the computer (Norad) and we get excited for bedtime.  In the morning we open gifts and have a great big breakfast and facetime our family (including SS because we never have him for Christmas).  Usually we end up at my sisters for dinner - but again, it's not a rush thing and my sister has kids the same age as my kids, so its fun for them.

  
  

  Here is my take on holidays, and this is probably a UO.  This is my family now.  My parents had their time when I was a child!  If my parents want to be a part of my traditions then they can drag their asses to my house instead of me dragging my kids all over!  If my parents don't like that - I don't care!

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• Nineoceans member

  November 2013

  Nope it's your holiday and your decision. Time to start making your own traditions

  

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• KTdidit member

  November 2013

  No I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting to have your time with the kids and not have to drag them around. Are you and J married? I can't remember. Until DH and I got married we would both kind of do our own family holiday things, even though we were living together and considered ourselves a family anyway. We would go to each other's family things if scheduling worked out. If not then no big deal. It kind of gave our families an "adjusting" period, time to realize that things would soon be changing. Either way, you and J NEED to sit down and talk about this. You have to come up with a plan as a united front, so that when his family asks if you are coming he can confidently give a straight answer.

  

  
  

  
  

  

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• SueBear member

  November 2013

  No you're not unreasonable, but J's wishes and feelings count, too.  It can't be "all or nothing."  I would try to come up with a plan that works for both of you / your "new" family. 

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• twister22 member

  November 2013

  I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. When you marry you are starting your own family, and that means starting your own traditions. DH & I actually sat down last week and discussed what the holidays would look like, and we came up with an agreement on how we will do holidays. I'm not 100% in love with it and DH isn't 100% in love with it, and that's how a compromise should be.

  
  

  Also, I think it's incredibly unfair that your family is pushed out to after Christmas EVERY year so that DH can continue to see his BM/SF on Christmas Eve & BD/SM on Christmas Day. Honestly, he's being ridiculously selfish.

  
  

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• CFjo2010 member

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  SueBear said: No you're not unreasonable, but J's wishes and feelings count, too.  It can't be "all or nothing."  I would try to come up with a plan that works for both of you / your "new" family. 
  
  This.
  You already know what his "ideal" holiday looks like, so write out for him what yours looks like and then find some middle ground.  Maybe instead of spending Christmas Eve at one house and Christmas day at another, you spend a weekend hitting up the grandparents: his mom's on Saturday and then his Dad's on Sunday.  A reasonable family will understand that things can't always stay the same, especially when kids are in the picture.   
  
  Banana44 said:
  Here is my take on holidays, and this is probably a UO.  This is my family now.  My parents had their time when I was a child!  If my parents want to be a part of my traditions then they can drag their asses to my house instead of me dragging my kids all over!  If my parents don't like that - I don't care!
  
  And also this.  When you have your own family, you create your own traditions.  Is everyone going to be happy?  Nope.  But as long as your household is happy, to hell with everyone else.

  

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• sweetwalks member

  November 2013

  I agree w other PP's. The first year it was a MESS!
  
  And we've gotten to this point. We have an extended family thing the Saturday & Sunday before (my maternal extended family and then DH's paternal extended family) on Christmas Eve we are supposed to have brunch with my dad and family but we went last year and due to distance I'm not sure we'll do it again. We get SK Christmas Day so that am DC will do Santa and then when SK gets there we'll do Santa again and open family gifts. And then relax!
  
  Saturday after Christmas I'll cook a big meal and all families are invited to come up and see kids. If they don't, no biggie! (We didn't see MIL or FIL for Christmas last year, they are divorced.) My mom came up on Christmas Day which was fine because we didn't have to drag kids around.
  
  I don't cater to my parents and extended families. We have our own family.
  
  For Thanksgiving, we try to rotate who we see. Last year it was FIL & SMIL. This year it will be my dad & SM. My mom lives close so we'll also see her this year. We never see MIL for Thanksgiving. DH is fine with it, so am I.

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• YummyChef member

  November 2013

  It's time for him to break away from his (now) extended family and start making new traditions with his nuclear family (i.e. YOU).

  
  

  What about hosting a christmas party yourself? Whoever wants to spend time with you guys can drop by on X date to exchange presents and have cookies and cocoa. As long as you take time in December to share with all your family I think you should just do your own thing on the actual Christmas Day.

  
  

  I had a similar issue with my DH, his mom is usually the one that hosts christmas dinner for his uncles, cousins, all his family on both his mom and dad's side. My mom usually hosts christmas dinner for MY uncles, cousins, all my family on both my mom and dad's side. It's been our third year alternating, we go to mom #1's house for drinks and appetizers, we go to mom #2's house for dinner and dessert. And we alternate who goes first. We usually leave my SS at my MIL's house all night because he doesn't have any cousins on my side to play with, he prefers it that way. 

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• Lavender P member

  November 2013

  I will go against the grain and say you are being unreasonable. I get that you want to spend time with your kids and do it your way. However, saying you will be mad if he goes to church with his BM is where I think you are wrong. You are making him chose between you and his mom, but it isn't really a choice because you want him to be with you and will be mad if he doesn't. That isn't a choice.
  
  It is great to start your own traditions and I get the BF craziness. My DH's parents aren't together and we are constantly party hopping. I think spending Christmas Eve with your kids making cookies is your decision and J shouldn't have to give up his traditions just because you don't want to go. I don't think it is ideal to do things separately but I think it is wrong to ask him to give up church because you get such little time with the kids. Maybe he can spend a few hours with you and the kids and then also spend time with his BM going to church later, after they are in bed. (Midnight mass?) or like PP suggested, you coul host his BM at your house and then they can leave for church.
  
  DH and I have come to accept that we cannot go to every event/every single person's home due to our crazy schedule with SS, and DH having a BF too. However, it would be wrong for DH to tell me that I can't do something with my parents because it interferes wih his time with SS. He is welcome to do whatever he needs/wants to, but my family time and traditions aren't less meaningful. J chose to be with someone who has kids but that doesn't mean he has to give up everything and take on whatever it is your kids/you want to do. You both need to decide what activities are most important to you individually and a a couple. Then come up wih a schedule for the holidays. If you have to do some thing separately I don't think that is the end of the world.

  "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu

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• Ilumine member

  November 2013

  I am totally going against the grain here, but yes, you are being a bit unreasonable. 

  
  

  "I want to stay home and bake cookies and enjoy every minute of time I have with them. I don't want to share. I get very little time to begin with."
  

  
  

  Well guess what, your parents and inlaws feel the same way about their children, whether they are adult or children.  And just like your children want to have a wonderful holiday with their parents, so does your husband.  

  
  

  I would never have married my DH if he refused to allow me to attend my extended family's events in some way or another.  Just like, while I am not my MIL's biggest fan, I would never ever tell my DH that we cannot work his family into our mix.  

  
  

  Because the reality is, creating NEW traditions usually means one person is getting what they want while the other partner get's shafted (unless the inlaws are mean/rude/hateful). 

  
  

  There has to be some sort of compromise here.  

  
  

  If you are going to be at work for part of the day ANYWAY, why can't J take the kids to his mother's house until you get off of work.  Then meet them there for the Christmas Gift Exchange and an early dinner or snacks.   

  
  

  You would be home by 6;30.  Enough time to make cookies, hang the stockings, set out Santa's plate and watch "Charlie Brown Christmas" before you tuck the kids into bed.  

  
  

  Then let J go to Mass, while you wind down (because even for the non-religious, Christmas and Easter Services do mean something).  He will come home right after Mass for Christmas Eve nookie.  

  
  

  Then you get up Christmas Morning and enjoy your kids until you hand them off to BD.  Then you have a few hours to spend with DH before you head to FIL's house for the dinner and exchange.  And you let J know you want an early night of it, so you two can have Christmas Day nookie. 

  
  

  Again, I do not think you need to be driving all over creation to please everyone.  But you do need to take what your husband wants into your considerations.  

  
  

  file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg

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• MommyEllenSue member

  November 2013

  I think you both are being unreasonable. There has to be a compromise.

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• sprky79 member

  November 2013

  First off, feelings are never unreasonable.  Feel, however you want.  

  
  

  HOWEVER, you do not get to dictate your feelings on everyone else.

  
  

  Your kids?  Are part of J's family too.  

  
  

  You all, as a new blended family, have to create your own holiday rituals and traditions, taking into account EVERYONE's wants and wishes for the day.  You no sooner get to dictate Christmas to your husband than he gets to dictate it to you.  Figure out some middle ground here.

  Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes

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• SimpleJane member

  November 2013

  No, we aren't married, but we are in every sense a family. We've been talking a lot about marriage lately and I know this is something we need to figure out.
  
  I would really like to spend time with MY family on Christmas/CE but I have already conceded that probably won't be happening. There are too many people to see and I want J to be able to keep most of what he's used to and not change everything for us. So just like last year we will be doing our Christmas with my family on a different weekend. I feel like that was a good compromise and I don't mind that. I also don't mind doing Christmas day with his Dad's family every year like he always has.
  
  I just don't think that every other year, staying home on CE and doing Christmas with just our family unit is too much to ask. We will obviously still do presents and stuff with his mom's family on a different day. I also wouldn't be opposed to them coming over for a while on CE. I just don't want to get out of work at 2pm, get home and get everyone ready for church (30 min drive), make 4pm Mass, do dinner out with that whole side of the family, and barely make it home in time to put the kids to bed. Then wake up the next morning and hand them off to X for the day at 8 AM. Where is the time for OUR family to bond and make traditions?
  
  As far as the kids and I staying home and J going to Mass and dinner without us... I guess that I just the thought of that being the time that we have the kids for our "Christmas" and him wanting to be gone during that time instead of spending that time as a family together is upsetting to me.
  
  This is our third Christmas together. The first year we did our own things with our own families and met up later Christmas day. Last year we did mass/dinner with his mom's family on Christmas Eve, had our own Christmas with the 4 of us Christmas morning after we picked up the kids, then did dinner and presents at his dad's. My family had Christmas with is the weekend prior. Last year was pretty perfect, but unfortunately my CO isn't set up to do that every year, only every other year.

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• Pinkpenguin+ member

  November 2013

  I think what your suggesting is reasonable, especially because it is every other year, and for the most part he gets to keep all of his family traditions except for one every other year. That doesn't mean he will agree of course, but it seems like a more than fair compromise to me.

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• hopanka member

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  I don't think you're wrong in not wanting to go to Mass and instead wanting to just hang out with the kids, especially since you have to work earlier. That does sound like a lot of hassle and driving on Christmas. At the same time, you can't be mad at him, if he wants to do Mass with his mom and fam. Going to Christmas Eve Mass is a pretty big deal to a lot of people, Catholics and others. If that's something he has done his whole life and it means a lot to him (it seems it does), you should be understanding, instead of passive-aggressive (offer it, but if he accepts, you'll resent him). That is honestly not fair to the guy.

  It looks like you should stay home with the kiddos after work, have fun and bake cookies and let J go enjoy the Mass with his mom for a few hours. Then you guys can spend the rest of the night and Christmas day together. That is compromise. What you proposed is a one-sided, passive-aggressive demand.

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• Ilumine member

  November 2013

  SimpleJane said:

   There are too many people to see and I want J to be able to keep most of what he's used to and not change everything for us.  

  Well this is wrong thinking too.  You have set J up to be the bad guy when he doesn't recognize the martyrdom. 

  
  

  You actually DO have a right to ask for celebrating with your family too you know.  If he wants to be with YOU, he does have to give.  But when YOU continually aquiesse like this, he doesn't grasp how hurt you are about it. 

  
  

  My other solution for your SO, is that on the years you have your kids, you do YOUR side of the family for Christmas and the years you do not have your kids for christmas, it is his family.  

  
  

  So THIS year, since you do not have the kids for Christmas, you follow his traditions (my original solution) and then next year you all go to your family for the day. 

  
  

  And since you are NOT taking away from him this year, he really cannot complain when you have this conversation with him. 

  
  

  If he DOES, then you need to rethink him as a life-time partner.   

  
  

  Because again, BOTH OF YOU get to have your traditions.  

  file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg

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• ambrvan member

  November 2013

  I can't say you're being reasonable or not. I couldn't tell from your post whether not you demand that J stay home and send the host with you and children and do without his hopeful plans. You wanting to stay home this time is not unreasonable but demanding that J do so would be.
  
  Different things work out for different people. We tried alternating holidays. We both still felt slighted, our families felt slighted. We both tried the all our nothing approach and that didn't work at all (my family lives about 2hrs away as well). I tried to persuade him to spend Christmas just with us, our nuclear family, WW3 errupted.
  
  Now we do our own thing. We go to family things together if our schedules allow, but we don't hold it against the other of there is something else we need to do/want to do with our own side of the family. I had a hard time being comfortable with this because I thought it was very important to present ourselves together as a family unit all the time. Now, I love this. We are so much more comfortable. IL relations are so much better. And we both are genuinely happy when we accompany the other to their family's events. It's not like we're dragging anyone anywhere anymore. And we still carve out some "us" family time (though I normally have to remind him that I want/need that).

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• +just+j+ member

  November 2013

  I think you are being a little unreasonable in that you are going to be upset if he goes to Mass. If you are going to refuse to do his family tradition ( and I don't blame you for wanting that time) then at least let him go spend that bit of time with his parents. With that said, if the extended family dynamic is important to you all, then I suggest you all change it up a little. Ever since my brothers and I married we has to accommodate the effects of our in-laws and their traditions. Every year is a little different but every year is still the same in a sense. We still get together for presents and mom's prime rib dinner. We usually have one full day to enjoy each other. Sometimes that is Christmas Eve. Sometimes it's Christmas Day. Sometimes it's had to be the 23rd or the 26th. We have found that it's just as wonderful and just as fun regardless.

  "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval

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• Wahoo member

  November 2013

  Personally I find it strange that you would resent someone going to church on Christmas instead of baking cookies.  Even if your SO isn't a regular church-goer, Christmas is a pretty big deal for those who believe (and I'm not talking Santa).

  I do think you should be able to work out a compromise, and that you and your kids should have holiday traditions that belong to YOUR house and family, not just revolve around seeing grandma and grandpa. 

  "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

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• Littlejen22 member

  November 2013

  You are married. If you consider yourself Christian then he needs to grow up and realize when you get married things change and you don't get the whole holiday every year. But you need to be mature and TALK to him and not be passive-aggressive. I will say though that unless he loves baking there is no reason he cannot go to church with his Mom and you bake with the kids because he likely will not be part of it. And if going to Church on Christmas of all days is important to him I honestly think it is wrong of you to get mad at him for that just because you don't want to go. Now if he only goes to see his Mom it is different. The two of you need to sit down to discuss what you will do every year that you have the kids on Christmas Eve and the years on Christmas Day and come to a compromise. And think out the entire holiday of when you will see each person and the new traditions you can make.

  Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08

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• Ginlyn0 member

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  I pretty much agree with Ilumine. I think trying to see both families around the holidays is the way to go and there should be compromise but that is something that needs to be worked out. We have the most chaotic 2-3 day Christmas I have ever heard anyone mention. But we do it every year the same way because neither my family nor my ILs get the shaft because they too want to see their children and grandchildren at on the holidays. Sure I could try to say, screw you all we are staying home but I'm sorry family is very important to me and someday those family members could be gone. I lost my brother last year very unexpectedly on Thanksgiving. I definitely don't regret running around between houses on Christmas Eve,Christmas Day and Boxing Day all those years because that was one more holiday I got with him before he passed. I might have regrets if I had not done that because that would have sucked if I didn't spend the last Christmas with him that I could have. Cookies can be baked days before Christmas Eve and still be set out for Santa. My sister and I get together every year several days before Christmas to bake cookies with the kids.

  DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)
  
  

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