Well, that was interesting...

KH826 · November 2013

So I feel the need to share this story with someone, and I think my LGBT Bump friends are just the right audience...

Small amount of background info: I have not spoken with my father in over a year. He and I have had a strained relationship for most of my life. He and my mother divorced when I was 2 yrs old, and he has never made much of an effort to be in my life unless it was convenient for him. In college I tried really hard to rebuild a relationship with him and his side of the family who I felt relatively estranged from as a teenager. I made trips several times a year up to see him (a 12 hour drive away, mind you), I bought gifts for everyone on every notable occassion, I called every 2 weeks to check in... he never called me once. He never came to visit me in over 10 years that I have lived in PA, has never acknowledged J as my partner or wife, and basically has never made any effort to sustain our relationship, and has sat back and waited for me to make all of the effort - as though that was my duty. Well, fast forward to a June 2012... J and I got engaged in December 2010 and he knew that we would be getting married in August 2012. He acknowledged the engagement (though was never particularly happy or congratulatory) and had said for over a year that he, his wife and their daughter would be coming to the wedding. I had planned on it for over a year. Sent them a save-the-date, and invitation, they were invited to our bridal shower (to which they neither showed up, sent a gift, nor RSVPed)... well long story short in June 2012, just 2 months before my wedding he decided to send me a letter informing me that he felt he could no longer attend "my event" and that he loved me but that he just couldn't be here b/c he didn't support "this choice" and that this was very hard for him.... Well, I decided he was a coward and that was the straw that broke the camel's back in our relationship. I was tired of trying and exhausting myself emotionally and physically to force a relationship that just wasn't there. I felt that it was the last disappointment that I needed from him (I will note he did not show up for my high school graduation, my college graduation or my grad school graduation, all of which he had promised to be at)... I was tired and done, and I told him so in an email and I have not spoken with him since. It has been a year and a half.

Fast Forward to today: I received a voicemail message from him this afternoon that simply stated that my grandfather (his father, and my only living grandparent) was very sick, now on hospice, and would not live to see Thanksgiving. The voicemail was very matter of fact, and just said that he did not want me to hear it from anyone else. Now, please keep in mind that this grandfather outwardly disowned me when he found out I was gay. He remarked that I was going to hell and he proceeded to de-friend me on facebook (yep, he's on facebook). I have had no contact with my grandfather in several years. That is how he wanted it.

Well, so I called my father back. I felt that I could not just not respond to his message. I have always been the bigger person in our relationship, and felt that should not change now... The conversation lasted a total of 3.5 minutes. I asked if they were keeping my grandfather comfortable, I told him I was sorry, I asked him to give my grandfather a hug from me and tell him that I am thinking of him. Then I told my father that I was pregnant. I told him that I did not want him to hear it from someone else, just as he did not want me to hear for my grandfather's illness/passing from someone else. I told him that J and I are starting a family and we are very excited and happy and that I am pregnant. I told him how far along I am and when I am due. He said nothing. Then he said "Oh." And then we politely ended our conversation as if I were talking to a colleague and ending a conference call.

When the call ended I felt nothing. I don't feel sad. I am an incredibly emotional person, but I am not even close to tears. I literally feel nothing. I promise you that I am not a heartless person. I hope that you all know me well enough now to know that I am not. I will send a card and flowers when my grandfather passes. I might even send a card tomorrow that I hope reaches my grandfather before he passes, but I am not sure what it would say... I will not drive 12 hours or spend $1500 on plane tickets to go to the funeral. I have no interest in seeing my father or his family. I don't feel that I need to pay my respects in person. That entire family decided a long time ago that they don't respect me. I don't feel like I owe them anything.

So that is all. If you think I am a horrible person, maybe try to not tell me that - I am not sure I really want to hear that at this point.

I am not entirely sure why I felt I needed to post this, but I just felt that I needed to get it out somewhere, I guess...

Thanks for listening, as always, friends!

ball.and.chain · November 2013

I don't think you are heartless at all. It doesn't seem that your father's family has earned the right to be in your life...and I am glad you have made peace with that, as much as you can. It's time to focus on the people who love you, including that baby in your belly!

ATXmommas · November 2013

Oh, KH. I am certain that no one would think you are a horrible person. On the contrary. You seem to me to be such a caring, sensitive, and thoughtful person. In your happy moment of finding out you were pregnant, you were thinking of the feelings of those persons who still aren't. That's not a selfish or horrible person.

I can't relate to what you have been through, but I cannot imagine I would have been even as half as patient as you have been with your dad. It sounds like you have done all you can to involve him in your life and he made a choice. The only choice you are making is to take care of yourself and protect your family.

Big hugs to you.

firstcomeslove2013 · November 2013

I don't think this is heartless at all. It sounds like you are doing the best to protect your emotions and you and J.This sounds like a really hard situation to be in and it seems as though you are really doing a good job to take care of yourself. We are always here to listen. Spend your time on people who care about the way you deserve!

KH826 · November 2013

Thank you all for your kindness... I think I should have labeled this post "vent" and "long" haha - oh well c'est la vie. I appreciate everyone's support and understanding. Thanks for letting me get that out and off my chest. I have talked to my wife and my mom about this tonight and everyone seems to say the same thing. I feel ok about how the afternoon played out and I have no regrets about how I handled the situation.

StacyLH24 · November 2013

I don't think you are heartless at all. I have a half-brother with whom I have tried to have a relationship with for 17 years. Mind you, he is 12 years older than me. I finally came to terms with the fact that it didn't matter to him. I have seen him once, just over a year ago, and I have since completely stopped speaking to him for various reasons. Just because someone shares your blood doesn't mean you have to, or should, have a relationship with them. Ultimately we have to think about what is good for us and our families.

trisholio · November 2013

I do not think you are heartless at all. You have done a difficult thing and have chose to put you and your important family first. If your father doesn't want a relationship then he doesn't deserve to have you in his life. I have a similar situation with my father that lives 20 minutes from me. I call him once a year to make sure he is still alive. I don't want to hear about it by reading the obituary. I had to finally come to the place in my life to not have any expectations from him and I wouldn't continue to get hurt. So it sounds like that is what you have done also. It sucks that all of us aren't born with perfect parents, but I feel like those born with messed up parents have the choice to pick their "surrogate parents". I went years with no father figure and I tried to look at the positive in that I got to have a lot of different dads during those times. I hope that you have people in your life that have filled that void. And also when you know better, you do better. Been having raised by dysfunctional parents I think it can make you a better parent. :-) Lots of love to you chica

Jazibel · November 2013

KH - I have to agree with the overwhelming support of the previous posts I don't feel that you are heartless either. In fact I think it takes deep empathy, compassion and wisdom to be able to see relationships for what they are. It shows a great deal about the person you are. And baby is lucky to have you as a parent, because the work you've done these past years will make it that much easier for your family. EV and I both have family drama on both sides. Some family members we're close with. Some family members don't even have our addresses (longer stories for another time). I am grateful for the family I do have and for my "friend family" - we have a great community in which to raise our kids. But a good deal of that has been because we've "cut away the dead branches" so to speak. Not to sound harsh - but we've protected our family this way and it sounds like you ladies are doing the same. :-)

KH826 · November 2013

It both saddens me and gives me some comfort to know that many of you can relate to situations like this. It truly is a shame that this type of situation is not more uncommon. However, there is comfort in knowing that others have been through similar things with their families and have come out the other side better and stronger for it. I just want to raise our kids to be happy, loved, appreciated and respected for who they are. There is no such thing as the perfect childhood, and I am not striving for perfection in my future parenting... but I hope that our children grow up knowing that loving and supporting them has and will always be their parents' top priority.

I am so glad to have this little bump community to talk about things like this with and to remind myself about what is really important, and what family really means...

wishiwaspreggo · November 2013

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles with your dad I cannot relate myself but I can say that you reacted with much more class and dignity than I would have. I tend to lash out when I'm hurt so I can only imagine what I would have said...

In any case, you handled that as best you could. It must hurt and I'm really sorry you're going through that. I am glad that your mom is so supportive!

KH826 · November 2013

herbabymama said:

@KH826 I just read this and cried while reading through it

Well, we are even, because I just cried while reading your response...

trisholio · November 2013

herbabymama said:

@KH826 I just read this and cried while reading through it, you are such an open hearted person and it really must have taken a lot for you to finally close your heart to people you know will hurt you. You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself and your family, and always remaining true to yourself. I really admire how you can look at the situation objectively and know that that is not somewhere you can go anymore for love. My sister says it is like going to the hardware store for milk - going to family members for love that they simply don't know how to give. It saddens me that your family members are missing out on the person that you are and the joy you could bring. It also saddens me that these types of situations exist in the families of so many LGBT people. I know you will do everything to love and support your children because you know what it feels like to experience that kind of rejection and lack of respect.

Big hugs to you and know that you are loved and appreciated by people who matter - your mom, your siblings, your wife, and your baby!

I like that saying "going to the hardware for milk". I am going to borrow that :-)

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