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NBFR another Christmas gift thread

ambrvanambrvan member
in Blended Families
I am hoping I can convince DH's family to only buy the kids clothes or non-toy things or give money/gift certificates. They really don't need any toys other than what is under the tree, and I would honestly ready appreciate the clothes (most of the toys will be tossed inside of three months). But no one ever listens to us. They just do whatever the flip they want.

How do I request that without sounding overbearing or rude? I can tell DH what I would like and he will back me up, but he would rather me not ask him to relay the request because he does not want to be anyone's go-between anymore. It's just something we have worked out since sorting out and dealing with what was causing problems in our marriage before. So I can't just have him deal with it because they are his family.

As a side note, my family only ever gives clothes (or money because of distance). And that's the few in my family that think about us.
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Re: NBFR another Christmas gift thread

  • sweetwalkssweetwalks member
    I'm guessing since they do what they want, they don't ask what kids would like?

    If they do ask, I'd politely make your request, and if they don't follow through, I'd just deal with it. Most of our families ask, so it's easy to make suggestions. Some don't ask, and we just deal with it.
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  • nevertunenevertune member
    My mom is super about just giving money. My husband's parents are terrible listeners. Every year they ask what the boys want. Every year we tell them NOTHING. Every year they buy them crap. His parents are worse than broke. His whole side of the family is! We'd much prefer them to spend money on necessities to take care of themselves and their own families rather than buy our kids stuff they don't want. If you find a way to make them stop, let me know! I think we're going to ask for a candle this year and candy for the boys. Please let them not find a way to spend more than $10 total for that.
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  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    My mom has trouble with this too. She'll ask what they want, but if it's not something "fun" she buys something else to go with it. We've started asking for "experiences" instead, like concert tickets. It keeps us from accumulating so much crap.
       
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    Every year my mom asks what DS wants, every year I tell her. Every year she asks "That's it?". She doesn't understand that she isn't the only one buying presents for him and if she gets him everything he wants not only is there too much crap at our house, but then he gets multiples of things too. Asking for experiences is a great way to go, unless they are like my family that will buying an item also, just to ahve something to unwrap  :-<
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    My parents always buy the kids crappy, cheap, broken on the first day, junk. I dont know why they can't just buy them things they need. Why waste money on crap they will play with once?

    You know what I do though? I smile, I thank them, and I appreciate that they thought to buy the kids anything at all. I think it is beyond rude to insist on only receiving certain
    gifts, and although I will mention what they need I would never insist they only buy that.

    Its annoying, but its such a FWP. Just throw the toys or donate them in a few weeks and be thankful.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Maybe it's just something else I'll have to learn to take in stride. I don't know why I thought I was the only one who dealt with this. Thanks for the perspective.
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  • logansmom3212logansmom3212 member
    We have some family that is awesome about giving money and others that must give a gift. If they ask, I tell them things that the boys need and what they are into. Sometimes they get crap and sometimes they get awesome gifts. We just try to roll with it, because its all given with love. One thing that we do that helps is cleaning out the playroom and closets before Christmas to cut down on the toy clutter.

    Another thing that I've requested to some of my family members is that they don't go crazy with gifts, but instead make a contribution to the college funds. My parents make frequent contributions now that they are aware of the accounts.
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    This is what you do:

    You institute the "for every new toy you get, an old toy needs to be donated" rule.  And look for a women's shelter that will let you personally bring the toys in so your kids can see where they are going.  

    Then you TELL everyone that you are instituting this rule.  

    My Mother is one of those "tons of crap from the dollar store" person to make her seem like she is buying more.  I LOATH it.  She realized that for every one of her crap toys she buys another of her crap toys was going to be thrown out.  She stopped buying crap/small items to have the "safe toys".

    MIL does the Christmas and Birthday Combo (which i feel is so unfair to DD and SD) so her gifts are usually bigger and safe. 


    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • CurlieWhirlieCurlieWhirlie member
    Here's the thing about receiving gifts, though. You can't dictate rules to the person giving the gift. It's a gift! You can make a request, and communicate what the kids need, but if they choose not to listen, it's not really fair to get upset with them about it. It's a gift. Would you be upset with someone who gave you a wedding gift that wasn't on your registry? 

    I love the donation for new toys rule. I don't know if I'm going to do a one-to-one ratio, but I'm definitely going on a toy-donating mission before the holidays this year!!
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  • bebe11bebe11 member
    This is really  hard, especially if your in laws don't ask what the kids need.  I know that I personally don't like to buy younger kids clothes for Christmas because I know they don't enjoy them as much as they would a toy or something that the kid wants.  But if my family specifically asked me not to buy a toy, I'd happily honor that request.  My nieces are all older now (14, 18 & 22), so I just give them cash and my life has gotten much easier at Christmas time :)

     

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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    We always do a thorough clean out before Christmas and individuals do so before their birthdays. The kids are usually very good about getting rid of things. And they actually LOVE clothes as gifts. DS might even like them more than SD. Lol.

    But despite all this, it doesn't make the Christmas clutter any more cheerful.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    My MIL & SIL ask what everyone wants. I have no idea why, because not once have they gotten us anything close. Which is fine. Because it is a GIFT, and not something they have to give. They're the type of gift giver where it is about them enjoying picking something out for us that they like. However, I don't feel any guilt in taking the unwanted items to the store for merchandise credit or donating the items.

    Personally, I am the type of gift giver that really wants to give something someone wants. I'm all about giving what someone actually WANTS and will USE, and if that means I have to get them a gift card, then so be it. I hate that MIL & SIL are the type of gift givers who don't actually care what the person wants, but it is what it is and I just smile and say thank you.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I would actually rather no one give gifts on Christmas. I would love to be able to make that time to focus strictly on Jesus and family. But I am overruled. They say I am a fun sucker. I guess I can be. :|
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  • twister22twister22 member
    @ambrvan here's how we keep the focus on Jesus in our family, thought you might be interested:
    https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12153538/mrsnschneiter-not-doing-santa#latest
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Those are some awesome ideas, Twist. There are some things there I think I can do in my own, but unfortunately, DH isn't exactly in board in this aspect. He is fairly materialistic and thinks taking attention away from Santa is just overkill. He doesn't go to church with us. And although he respects my faith, feelings, and views, he appreciates me not shoving it in his face. I think I could adapt the Angel idea without replacing the Elf we already have (the one that creeps me out and I despise lol).

    I would love to know what some of your "acts of service" are. I have been looking for ways to get the kids involved in local giving or local missions so that they can see the effects it has on people.

    Our holiday mission in my young adult group at church is to visit the widows/widowers/shut-ins. Maybe I could get the kids involved in that and have them help make a meal to take or bake something for them.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Here's some of what we have,  I haven't quite laid out what acts of service we'll do, and on which days:
    -Make cards for folks in a nursing home
    -Gifts for neighbors
    -Care packages and/or cards for our deployed soldiers
    -Teacher gift
    -Leave quarters at a laundromat
    -Take hot cocoa to (& change) to the Salvation Army bell ringers
    -Put together a Toys for Tots shoe box
    -Take canned goods to food pantry
    -Prepare afternoon snack for sibling
    -Take treats (i.e. baked goods, chocolate covered pretzels, or food bouqet/bowl) to post office/doctor/dentist employees
    -Volunteer to sort donations
    -Leave a generous tip for server
    -On Christmas Eve take treats to a fire station or police station
    -Make Daddy breakfast
    - Adopt a Compassion International/World Vision child (we're actually going to "adopt" a little boy who has the same exact bday as DS. Each month we'll have DS write him a card, and we'll have DS have a bank that he can put money in throughout the year. Each December we will send that extra monetary gift to the boy. We plan to keep a binder too with all the letters, pictures, etc. from the boy.)
    -Give away 10 of your toys to a women's & children's shelter
    -Put together a bag for Project Night Night (https://projectnightnight.org/)

    Here are the ideas from the Christmas Angel Website:
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    P.S. I totally think you could do both the Christmas Angel & Elf of the Shelf. I actually found a blog of a mom who does both :).

    I hope these ideas help!


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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Awesome, Twist. Thanks!
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Anytime!
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  • mom2onemom2one member
    Etiquette dictates that you can't ask for anything specific. IF they ask you can say what's needed, but anything else is kind of rude. I'm going to donate a bunch of stuff before Christmas because I know we'll be inundated with stuff and I can't take any more.
    Stay at Home Mama to 3 Beautiful Children by the miracles of Birth & Adoption
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  • YummyChefYummyChef member
    I agree with the people that say you can't dictate what people gift your kids as that is not the point of a gift. But maybe make a diverse "wish list" at some store that has both toys and clothes, so that even if they decide to give your kids toys you can exchange it. Only tell them of the wish list if they ask.

    On the other hand, you can drop hints in conversation and explain what you're thinking, wanting, doing for Christmas... but don't TELL them "do this". It's their choice if they want to spend money on things you don't want, it's a gift after all.

    I for one, have an extremely rude SIL who DICTATES what everyone should give her kids. If she politely hinted at it I'd be more inclined to listen to her. But I always make it a point to ask her kids directly what they want, because it's usually not the same as what their mom wants. It's Christmas after all.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Thanks for ask the advice in going forward. If course, I would never demand anything. As I said; I would even prefer if no one have any gifts ever. But I was a little unsure of how to go about "hinting" at what would be preferred.

    My Mamaw has been great. She is sending each of the kids $$ to go pick out their own clothes at Old Navy.

    After thinking over it some more and looking at more service ideas, I am a little less nervous about the gifts.I guess the rain useless crap always bothers me is because I hate the way everyone gets so worked up over having more, bigger, and best.
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