Away from 5 month old for 10-11 hours/day

mbody · November 2013

I have a 5 month old son. He is my H's and my first child. I quit a job within a school in August to stay home. The job did not pay well, and after paying out daycare, we thought it best for our family to just stay home with my son. I found a better job and scheduled to start in a week. My H and I interviewed several daycares, and selected the one which best fit our needs. My H is a teacher and a coach so some seasons (and days) my son will be in daycare for up to 11 hours. My job is a typical 8.5 hour day, but I've got about an hour commute each way, so I'll be gone 10-11 hours a day as well. My schedule is rotating shifts so sometimes I'll be working until 5 (get home at 6) and other days I'll be working until 7, 8, or 9 pm. So some days, I'll see my son for 2-3 hours when I get home before he goes to bed, and sometimes I'll get less or no time at all. I'd be going to work for our family's "it would be nice money." I'm beginning to freak out that he's too little for me to be away from him that much, and how we will only get an hour or two together of quality time a day. I'd really like to hear from mothers who are or were in similar situations. Are/were you gone from your baby for 10-11 hours a day? How did you cope? How did your child cope? ect. What's your experience? Overall positive or negative?

FWIW, I have my MA in School Counseling, and jobs are VERY hard to come by so I began looking for similar careers that I'd like. I'll be working as an Academic Advisor to online students (hence the weird rotating schedules b/c my department services east and west coasts, so they're open early and close late every day.) I've spoken to my H and told him my worries, and he said he's fine if I choose to stay home, and would support either decision. I just want to make the best decision for my family.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

mbody · November 2013

Thank you for sharing Tricia. I feel the same way about wanting a career for the long term benefits as well. My biggest (irrational?) fear is that my son won't really remember me since I'll only be with him maybe two hours a day. You haven't found that to be true, right?

djm31012 · November 2013

DS gets dropped off at DC by DH btwn 7-730 and I pick him up anywhere from 545-6pm. He goes to bed btwn 7 and 730 every night. Its really hard on me having such little time with him but I have to say he LOVES daycare and there are no doubts at all who his mama is. His face lights up when I pick him up. and that 1-1.5hts and all of our weekends are very quality time. I have chosen to give up all my personal time, and i say no to alot of social events to be able to spend that quality time with DS. But i wouldnt have it any other way. He wont remember this time...so if you are planning to stay home in a few years or so...dont worry bc he will never know you worked this time.

cedenton · November 2013

I think 10 hrs in daycare is pretty typical. Most jobs are 8 hrs plus a 1 hr lunch, then factor in commute time and you've got 10 hours. Drop off at 7:30, pick up at 5:30. I get an hour or so in the morning with my son and about 2 in the evenings.

I make the most money in our family and have amazing benefits and retirement. I won't be leaving voluntarily. I also know I'm not cut out to be a SAHM. I'm amazed at the progress my son is making while in daycare, most notably since transitioning to a new one recently.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out.

cedenton · November 2013

mbody said:

Thank you for sharing Tricia. I feel the same way about wanting a career for the long term benefits as well. My biggest (irrational?) fear is that my son won't really remember me since I'll only be with him maybe two hours a day. You haven't found that to be true, right?

Trust me, he'll remember you. Just wait until he hits around a year and/or transitions to a new room or new daycare. He'll make it very clear he knows who mama is. Trust me.

mbody · November 2013

RVASC811 said:

Also, your H will really have to buy in to you working. This means taking on considerable responsibility for splitting childcare and household duties. Otherwise, you will lose your mind. So, I think the two of you should have a few more conversations.

Yes, he's on board with the extra childcare/household duties. He's even mentioned quitting his extra coaching job, or moving to JV b/c our son/family comes first.

mbody · November 2013

cedenton said:

mbody said:

Thank you for sharing Tricia. I feel the same way about wanting a career for the long term benefits as well. My biggest (irrational?) fear is that my son won't really remember me since I'll only be with him maybe two hours a day. You haven't found that to be true, right?

Trust me, he'll remember you. Just wait until he hits around a year and/or transitions to a new room or new daycare. He'll make it very clear he knows who mama is. Trust me.

Thank you for this.

dizzycooks · November 2013

Yep, you are not the only one doing it. I am a teacher and the money isn't great, but it's enough to make it worth going to work and not taking a break from my career quite yet. I drop off at 6:30am and pick up anytime between 3:30 and 5:30 depending on the day. Dh's schedule isn't any better. It's a long time and it was hard when I was nursing, but we just do the best we can. Somedays that means I see DD for 30 minutes before it's bedtime. We make up for it by keeping evenings and weekends as family time and don't spend a lot of time out and about with friends or family then because we need time just the three of us too.

JJ_13 · November 2013

I think if you want a long term career that you value, you have to stay in teh work force. I don't think you have to stay full time, and those do make for some long hours, but if you can't find a good job closer to home or part-time, then, when it comes down to it, I think leaving the work force for a few years makes it very hard to re-enter. Some of this is field-dependent of course, and I recognize that some fields have an easier time with re-entry than others, so there are multiple factors, but in general, if you see yourself working, then I think you figure out a way to make it work. SInce the students are online is there any chance you think you migth be able to work from home some days after a few months there and you've had time to prove yourself?

QueSrah · November 2013

mbody said:

My biggest (irrational?) fear is that my son won't really remember me since I'll only be with him maybe two hours a day. You haven't found that to be true, right?

Definitely not a problem. Being away from a child for 10-11 hours/day is the life of a working mom in a lot of the US, between time in the office, lunch, and commute. I have never heard a single mom say that in their experience their child didn't remember who their mom was because of that. May DD has always been momma's girl, from infancy to age 4. As much as she would like more time with me and I wish there was an extra hour or two in the day, she knows who I am and doesn't resent me being gone because this is her normal.

The key to getting past mom guilt on this particular issue is focusing on the quality time you do get, and being present during that time (not doing chores, checking email, and five other things all at once). There are certainly weekend days when DD and I are physically together all day that she's not getting my quality attention because I'm trying to get too manyother things done. But I know I need to make the morning and evening hours with her count during the week.

Kmartinrvt13 · November 2013

I work 10 hour days with a half hour commute one way. I went back to work when DD was 3months but it helps because DH works from home and she goes to Nana's house 3 days a week. Plus it helps I don't work Monday's. DD hasn't forgotten me and I spend as much time as I can with her when I'm home. Don't worry it gets better. GL!

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

Sounds normal to me. This is the "working moms" board after all.

mbody · November 2013

TheBorg7of9 said:

Sounds normal to me. This is the "working moms" board after all.

Yes, I didn't think my situation is a unique one, but wanted to hear others' experiences. Thank you everyone! It really did help to hear your thoughts, and will definitely make the most of all our time we have together.

With that being said, I'm joining you all in a week. I am excited to begin my new adventure.

LoCarb · November 2013

Most FT WM's are away from LO 10-11 hrs a day-very normal. Ditto everyone else said-LO will definitely remember you.

This is very important: Quality of time v quantity of time. Remember that.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

Away from my daughter 9 hours a day M-F. Love my job and wouldn't have it any other way. Trust everyone when they say your LO will always know who mommy is! Wait until she runs into your arms at the end of a work day. That is the best!

Also, ditto QUALITY time vice QUANTITY.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

mbody said:

TheBorg7of9 said:

Sounds normal to me. This is the "working moms" board after all.

Yes, I didn't think my situation is a unique one, but wanted to hear others' experiences. Thank you everyone! It really did help to hear your thoughts, and will definitely make the most of all our time we have together.

With that being said, I'm joining you all in a week. I am excited to begin my new adventure.

You'll do great! I wasn't trying to be snarky or anything.

For me the key is not to overthink it. Don't spend all day wishing to be home with your little one and overanalyzing, if you know what I mean. But really try to enjoy the time you have with him. He will always love his mommy.

SoMoNY · November 2013

I leave at 7am and get back at 7pm most days.

When I pull in the driveway he jumps up and down with excitement to see me.

I've been doing this commute his entire life (3.5 years) and not once has he forgotten who I am nor has his excitement to see me at the end of the day diminished.

We have action packed weekends, I think he's sometimes happy for Monday to roll around so he can chill and recoup from the weekend.

DTNZ4Ever · November 2013

I've had similar time away from DS since he was 12w now he is 4.5 years old. In retrospect I've never felt like I've missed out. DS loves DC in fact last week I could barely get him to leave. He has learned so much and has great friends that he has know since he was a baby. It's hard but DC is great for DS and working makes me a better mom.

skibunny59 · November 2013

Nicb13 said:

I'm one of the moms on here that doesn't enjoy working that much and would cut back if I could. I'm very fortunate that the sitter is 2 minutes away from my work and then work is only about 15 minutes from home with almost no traffic, ever.
I wouldn't be happy with the long days you are describing and knowing that some days I might not see DS at all would be even harder. I really don't think I could take a job like that. I understand the whole quality over quantity statement but I just couldn't work such long days like that and not see DS as much. Not ripping on anyone's choices, but IME, I would struggle being away from my son. Hell, I struggle now and like I said before, I have a good amount of time with him during the week.
I race to leave work and pick up DS every single day and usually don't do anything during the week because I devote that time to him until he goes to bed and I have time to myself. Might be extreme to some people but just giving a different perspective for you.

I feel exactly the same as you. I am super lucky because I am a teacher and I get home very early (picking up DD by 3) and I have summers off. Honestly, this is the only reason that I'm ok with being a working mom. And I still struggle even though I get a lot of time with her. Being a working mom is really freakin' hard. I didn't realize how hard it was until I went back. Yet, many women do it and make it work.

nosoup4u · November 2013

I'm gone about 10 hrs a day. My kids are older, but yeah, I miss being home w my younger son all day (DS1 is in all-day kinder this year). Being gone so much is making me really think long and hard about a third baby, as we could cobble together six months between DH's and my parental leaves, but it would still mean me working FT with an infant (I was a SAHM with my other kids).

Anyway, give it a go. If it's too much, you can quit and either SAH or look for something else. hth

driveshorses · November 2013

Some BG info - I work varying shifts, and as a supervisor I have to work a late shift every week and one weekend per month. Right now we are shorthanded so I'm working more nights and more weekends. My previous job that I had when I was pregnant up until last year (couple months before DD turned 2) I worked 8 hour days, 6 days per week and had an hour commute both ways..so about 60 hours per week I was gone.

This has NOT hurt my and DD's relationship at all. When I'm home, she is thrilled to see me, and it's me she wants, and the time with her is amazing. The time when they are itty bitty is SO different from when they are toddlers. He will know who you are. DD never had any issues, it's just how it's always been. There are some times now where she will throw a fit that she doesn't want me to go, but Daniel Tiger has a song about how grown-ups come back...so we sing that and all is well in the world. It's going to be harder on you, but you will get through it!

ccam · November 2013

It's a hard adjustment, more so for you than your LO though. My DS loves daycare and all of his "friends" - he is doing really amazing! Just try and make the most out of those few hours a day and your weekends. Trust me, he won't forget you!

emberlee3 · November 2013

I don't like working such long hours but it happens at times for me or DH. Typical day at daycare is 9.5 hours, sometimes more. If I come early to pickup, DS gets mad because he wants to play with his friends.

Karla CS · November 2013

I'm also in the camp not loving my career. I've done everything I can to maximize my time with DD - I come in early so I can leave early, I don't take afternoon meetings, I don't go to networking events. I've done these things fully acknowledging that it limits my current growth potential, but that's a trade off I'm OK with.

Depending on where DH is staffed at, she's in daycare anywhere from 7-10 hours, but by working weird hours, I minimize my commute time at least.

traveltheworld · November 2013

I found it easier when DS was younger. Now that he is older, I find myself wanting to spend more time with him. We pay for a very expensive DC so that he could be in the same building as me, allowing us to spend our commutes together (DH drives). I'm also able to work from home after he goes to sleep; so I generally am only away from him for 8 - 9 hours a day. Like other PP said - that's more for ME than it is for him. He thoroughly enjoys being at DC. And don't worry about him forgeting you - he won't. Everyone told me that before, and I didn't quite believe them; but it's the absolute truth. DS is a huge mama's boy and I love it

Divallyn · November 2013

Personally it would be too much for me. I think it's going to have to be something you try and find out for yourself. I am away 8-9 hours 4-5 days a week is the max that I can do. But I don't think your LO will forget who you are regardless.

C12H22O11 · November 2013

Ever since I returned to work when DS was 3 mos, he's been dropped off at 6AM and generally not picked up till after 5, sometimes closer to 6. Most days, he eats all 3 meals at school, although DH and I are making more of an effort to leave work in time to get him before dinner.

Honestly, and I know I may be in the minority here, after working a 10+ hour day, it's kind of nice to pick DS up and only have to worry about bath and bedtime. We get our quality time in on the weekends when DH and I are not exhausted.

FWIW, I love my job and am totally ok with this situation, but I acknowledge it's not for everyone. Only you can decide what's best for your family.

sarbieb · November 2013

My LO is almost 5 months and I go back to work next week. Husband gets the kids by 4:30 but I'm not home til closer to 6 and 5m old is asleep by 6:45pm. I think I'm gonna cry myself to sleep every night. It's just not enough time for me. My 2 yr old is up til 9pm so I'm okay with the time I have with her. But a baby that has been with only me all day every day for 21 weeks to only see me for an hour a day is just the worst thing in life

Carnation77 · November 2013

I leave home at 5:15 am, drop DS off at DC at 6 am, DH picks him up around 4:30 pm, and I get home at 6 pm. I found a daycare 5 minutes from work so I go there twice a day to breastfeed and be with him. If I didn't have that time with him I think it would be really difficult. I'm so exhausted when I get home at night. All I do is wash everything (bottles, clothes), make dinner, feed him, and pack everything up for the next night. Then I sit up (like now) waiting to pump one more time before bed.

Are you happy staying home? Would you consider a job outside your field to be closer to LO/not work as many hours? Will you be happy without the extra income?

MickeyM04 · November 2013

I'm an attorney and until we got a nanny, I was away from DS for 11+ hours a day because of our commute. We left home to drop him at daycare at 6:30 a.m., dropped him off at 7:00 a.m. (long DC commute I know, but it was a great center), picked up at 6:00 p.m., home at 6:30 and in bed by 7:00. I got about half an hour with him in the morning and half an hour after we got home, and about 50% of that time was nursing. It gets better. They start staying up later so that helps....also, we got a nanny so I could have more time in the a.m. and more in the p.m. (i.e. quality time starting at 6:00 when I get home instead of at 6:30 p.m. when we get home from daycare). It's very manageable now, even though I'm still gone about 11 hours.

ETA: This was from when DS was 12 weeks until he was 7 months old.

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