Advice needed please-just a warning i ramble :-)

trisholio · November 2013

I first want to say how much I enjoy hearing about everyone's journey's and lives on this board. I have learned so much from so many of you and yet I feel like I am still way behind in my knowledge.

So this is an update on what is going on with my ttc process and also a request for support and advice. I am going in next Thursday for a uterine laparoscopy. That is what my RE called it. They are going in thru my belly button and cervix to check for endometriosis, scar tissue, cysts, ect. I have been TTC with my RE for the last 6 months with two different donors and on Clomid. He is concerned that I have not gotten pregnant yet. We were going to wait a few months to do this surgery, but do to insurance reasons we decided to get it in before the end of the year. On one hand I am thinking this surgery as not a huge deal. I have had my lady parts probed by doctors multiple times a month for awhile now so I am used to that. But then I realize that I am going under general anesthesia, which I haven't done since I had my tonsils out when I was 5 years old. They are going to be sticking a probe thru my belly button and muscles to get to where they need to be and this sounds miserable! My Dr said it will be a 3-4 day recovery, but my wife has no time to take off work. They blocked off all vacation time for the last two months of the year, so she can't be with me. My mom is taking me, for which I am grateful. But I really want my wife to be there and also be able to stay home with me the day after. But I will be a big girl and deal with it :-( I won't promise that I won't cry.

So through scheduling and talking about all of this it makes it real how much we have to go through during our ttc process. I have always wanted to be a mom and never thought I would have problems getting pregnant. My mom got knocked up with my sister and I on accident. It is just finally starting to wear on me how hard this journey is becoming. So my question to all of you wonderful people is, how do you keep going? Do you allow yourself to break down and just cry sometimes? I am scared for the surgery, I am scared that they will find nothing and that they will find something. And most of all I am scared that I will never have a bio child of my own.

Thank you all for reading/listening, any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated :-)

wishiwaspreggo · November 2013

I wish I could address your fears on not being able to get pregnant - I have that same fear myself - but I've only been on this journey since August so I really don't know what kinds of problems I will run into or if I'll get KU quickly. After my first very well timed IUI with 3 big follicles and a good ute lining, I am wondering what went wrong and I am very upset about it. But there's really not much to be done at this point for me except try again. I do wonder if I'll start to lose hope after going through this a few more times. It's so hard, and it's so expensive. But all I can do is keep trying. I really want to get pregnant, I want to experience pregnancy, and I want to have a bio child to raise with my partner. I'm a bigger girl, so I'm going to start exercising more in earnest and scale back on my bad eating habits. I'm trying to get control over what I can right now, since this process is generally out of my control.

I can address your fears with surgery: you won't even know it happened that's the cool thing about general anesthesia. I had oral surgery in my early 20's and I was terrified. I remember laying on a narrow table with a blue sheet covering my body, and I saw all the tools on a table next to my face. I saw all the tubes and machines, all the doctors and nurses, and I asked if I could talk to the doctor. The anesthesiologist came in and said he'd give me something to help me relax and that I would see the doctor soon. I watched him put the needle in my IV bag, watched him push the syringe, blinked, and then I found myself in the recovery room. It was 3 hours later and I had absolutely no idea it happened.

Now the recovery part did suck pretty bad for me, but that's because I had my upper jaw broken and my gums were bleeding. My face was all bruised up and my teeth were widely spaced (soon to be fixed with braces). In any case, I got through it with rest and taking it easy. With your mom there, that will help a lot. I'm sorry your wife cannot be there with you... I'm sure she feels terrible, too. I know I would if I had no choice but to go to work and I couldn't be with my partner.

I'm sure you'll get more sage advice from others but thought I'd throw in my perspective Best of luck to you! Try not to get too worried about everything, find yourself some good movies to watch and books to read, and you'll get through your recovery just fine!

trisholio · November 2013

wishiwaspreggo. I have had my wisdom teeth out (they were impacted) and a colonoscopy and both I was given drugs to not remember it or feel it. But as an adult I have never been under general anesthesia. I am also a plus size lady and I have minor sleep apenea which I guess is apparently not a good thing when having surgery. Plus I am a huge baby when I am in pain, so I am worried about the recovery too. I know that I am not alone in the TTC process because of all of you wonderful ladies (and people :-) ) And there is a part of me that feels bad for complaining because I know many of you have been thru so much more.

wishiwaspreggo · November 2013

Well, they'll probably intubate you, right? The sleep apnea shouldn't be as big of an issue in that case. They'll make sure you're breathing. My dad's a big dude and he recently had both knees replaced. He was under for 6 hours and he came back fine. He has sleep apnea, too. I was really worried about him but I didn't say a word because I didn't want to cause alarm!

In any case, GA is great, in my opinion You won't feel the pain long after you're awake, and I'm certain they'll give you some powerful drugs to keep recovery pain at bay. They gave my dad morphine, and I had codiene when I recovered. Worst part was my lower jaw (I had all 4 wisdom teeth extracted since they figured they may as well get it all over with).

And keep in mind, anesthesiologists go to school for YEARS to learn exactly what they need to do to keep a person under safely. Lots of people will be looking out for you, and they'll make you as comfortable as possible.

firstcomeslove2013 · November 2013

I am so sorry to hear this but you are strong and just think...this is getting you one step closer. C and I have struggled as well and its not easy. Let yourself cry, let yourself scream and let yourself be mad, as long as you get it out of your system and come back to why you are going through all of this.

C and I always say its like a traffic jam...you feel crazy and trapped and mad and frustrated but when its over, you can't even remember why you were upset. We are hoping that will be what it is like when we have our baby, all that frustration will melt away.

Hang in there...I think your feelings are natural...don't forget we are here if you need anything!

2MamazInSeattle · November 2013

Hey lady. Ug, first, what a bummer. Second, have they done any preliminary tests before going for the gusto here? For example, an in office hysteroscopy (saline ultrasound) lets them have a very good at the inside of your uterus and takes 5 minutes...everyone is different but I've had 2 of these totally no pain other than some mild cramps for 15 -30 min after. Have you had an HSG? Again, not a picnic but for me, 5 minutes and a few cramps.

That said, they did an adhesion removal on me under anesthesia but no camera through the belly, it went up my cervix. Going thru the belly lets the look at your ovaries and tubes, bit again, if you're ovulating, and have had an hsg, I'm not sure the value of that part? Just being devil's advocate here. Thoughts on all this?

trisholio · November 2013

2MamazInSeattle said:

Hey lady. Ug, first, what a bummer. Second, have they done any preliminary tests before going for the gusto here? For example, an in office hysteroscopy (saline ultrasound) lets them have a very good at the inside of your uterus and takes 5 minutes...everyone is different but I've had 2 of these totally no pain other than some mild cramps for 15 -30 min after. Have you had an HSG? Again, not a picnic but for me, 5 minutes and a few cramps. That said, they did an adhesion removal on me under anesthesia but no camera through the belly, it went up my cervix. Going thru the belly lets the look at your ovaries and tubes, bit again, if you're ovulating, and have had an hsg, I'm not sure the value of that part? Just being devil's advocate here. Thoughts on all this?

I have had all of the previously mentioned procedures. I had an HSG done last December, the hysteroscopy done in April. I do feel like it is pretty aggressive but my RE doesn't want to move on to other more expensive fertility medications and waste the money if there is something wrong. This may be TMI, but is that really a thing on this board :-) I was in two long term relationships with men for over two years a piece and was never on birth control. The first was pretty sure he was sterile, but the second is now married and has a newborn baby. So obviously he wasn't shooting blanks. So my RE looks at it as almost 5 years of infertility that I have had already. That is another reason he is wanting to do the surgery.

2MamazInSeattle I know that you have been thru it all, and for that I am sorry. I just appreciate that you chose to share your knowledge and experience with the rest of us :-)

healz413 · November 2013

I had a lap but I'm not sure if it was actually the exact procedure you are having. I had three incisions. One through my belly button (which I believe they used primarily to fill me with gas and put a camera in) and then one in each side, kinda near where I assume my ovaries are.

The procedure itself was totally fine because I was under general. (I'm also a big person, but I had no complications). They gave me Tylenol 3's and Naproxen for the pain during my recovery. If you stay on top of taking your pain medication (I mainly took the T 3's--also take a stool softener!), your recovery should not be too bad. I did very little moving the day after my surgery and mainly laid on the couch. M had to work, but she set me up with a little table nearby with food and stuff to drink and the remotes and my pain pills. Most of the pain was gone two days after surgery. I continued to take some pain meds for a few days, but each day I had less pain and more mobility.

I had both tubes and a bunch of endo removed. The majority of my pain on day 1 felt like it was the incisions. The internal pain that I associated with the tube and endo removal was largely of the twinge-y variety. My ab muscles took more than a week to feel like they were fully healed.

As far as how we keep going--we absolutely cry. A lot. Separately and together. We have had a lot of crying in our family in the last year. I definitely recommend it.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I hope that your lap is an easy process for you and that you figure things out soon!

StacyLH24 · November 2013

I don't have much to offer as we have only been on this journey for half the time you have. I am also having surgery soon. I am scheduled for the 19th to have a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy. I had a hsg when we first started and all looked well.

My RE said he wanted to do the surgery after three months so that if something is wrong, we can figure it out before spending even more money.

As far as crying, I allow myself the day we figure out it is a BFN. That way I can get it out and then move forward with whatever is next. I have had other times as well though. This last cycle, I had several very small follicles on CD 10. Previously, by CD 10 I had two dominant follicles that were close to optimal size. C, who understands very little about this process, made a comment to her Mom that my ovaries weren't cooperating. I lost it! I sobbed and yelled a little. I already was disappointed that our timeline was delayed and then I took her comment as meaning that my body wasn't good enough.

This process definitely can be trying. I am hoping the road ahead of us won't be too much longer, but we never know.

trisholio · November 2013

healz413 said:

I had a lap but I'm not sure if it was actually the exact procedure you are having. I had three incisions. One through my belly button (which I believe they used primarily to fill me with gas and put a camera in) and then one in each side, kinda near where I assume my ovaries are.

The procedure itself was totally fine because I was under general. (I'm also a big person, but I had no complications). They gave me Tylenol 3's and Naproxen for the pain during my recovery. If you stay on top of taking your pain medication (I mainly took the T 3's--also take a stool softener!), your recovery should not be too bad. I did very little moving the day after my surgery and mainly laid on the couch. M had to work, but she set me up with a little table nearby with food and stuff to drink and the remotes and my pain pills. Most of the pain was gone two days after surgery. I continued to take some pain meds for a few days, but each day I had less pain and more mobility.

I had both tubes and a bunch of endo removed. The majority of my pain on day 1 felt like it was the incisions. The internal pain that I associated with the tube and endo removal was largely of the twinge-y variety. My ab muscles took more than a week to feel like they were fully healed.

As far as how we keep going--we absolutely cry. A lot. Separately and together. We have had a lot of crying in our family in the last year. I definitely recommend it.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I hope that your lap is an easy process for you and that you figure things out soon!

healz413- Thank you so much for your input. I am sorry for all that you have been through. Hearing your story is just what I wanted to hear. It is nice to hear from someone that has been thru the same procedure and what to expect. You have really put my mind at ease. I have not been diagnosed with endo and my hsg came back normal. So it is almost exploratory surgery to try and find an issue. I obviously don't want to find anything wrong, but I also don't want to go thru the surgery and them find nothing either.

I am not sure how to put into words how great it is to have the support of everyone on this board. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about all of this, so it is nice to get it all out sometimes. So I am sure that I will keep you updated next week after the surgery.

trisholio · November 2013

StacyLH24. I hope that everything goes smoothly for you. Keep us updated :-)

StacyLH24 · November 2013

Thank you. Good luck to you as well! Hopefully we will both get some answers and can move forward appropriately.

CageyMack · November 2013

Hugs, @trisholio. I just want to say that you are doing a great job. Things like this feel overwhelming. Watching my DW go through IUI after IUI, scan and polyp removal and on and on it just feels like an endless series of hurdles. But you can do it because you ARE doing it, so there you are. You aren't talking the talk, you are walking the walk and that is fantastic.

I have been under general a lot as an adult (major ankle reconstruction, D&C for a missed miscarriage, major abdominal reconstruction). You can do it. It feels weird and scary, but it is probably safer than driving your car. Just open your heart up to the universe. I always think of it as turning my wrists up ("Slice them if you will!"), but that can seem morbid to some. I just think of it as recognizing that so much of the world, moment after moment, is out of our hands and just being okay with that.

Ditto on the advice to cry. Also laugh. Drinking sometimes helps, too, as appropriate and if a glass of wine is your thing.

Go kick some surgery ass, lady.

trisholio · November 2013

CageyMack :-) I do tend to be a control freak and want to control everything. This is something I don't have control over. Thank you for the reminder to just let it be sometimes.

Since we are taking this month off from ttc I allowed myself to have a few drinks last night, I have the headache today to show for it. I do love my wine! :-)

Thanks for the encouraging words again!

ball.and.chain · November 2013

I have been meaning to respond to this since you posted but between work and getting ready to go on vacation, I haven't had the time. The other difficulty is knowing what to say. The truth is that the past two and a half years have not been great for me. Going through IUI after IUI was exhausting. BFN after BFN is demoralizing. I cried, I fought with my wife, I hated people who got pregnant easily, I moped, I got depressed, I ate too much, etc etc etc. I started therapy after about 4 IUIs and it was one of the best decisions I made. Other than that, I can't say I always met these challenges with grace or that I am a model of how to hold it together. Mostly I just put my head down and kept going forward.

Which is just to say I totally know what it feels like to be in your shoes, and to worry that you will never get pregnant/have a bio child. And I am not going to tell you that "it will happen for you eventually" because you know what? It never happens for some people, and I wouldn't want to lie to you any more than I would want someone to lie to me. But there are a lot of options out there, a lot of ways to build a family, and science can do amazing things. You will find a way to have your family, and even if it isn't what you planned or what you thought you wanted, you will probably wake up one day and realize you couldn't imagine any other family than the one you have.

And as for the anesthesia -- don't sweat it. I was terrified of surgery before my egg retrieval. But that was just a year ago and I've been under anesthesia (technically IV sedation in my case) three more times since then, for two D&Cs and a hysteroscopy. They weren't as invasive as yours sounds like it will be (everything was through the cervix), but know that these surgeries and procedures are completely routine to the doctors performing them, and I'm sure you are in good hands. You will be awake and it will be over before you know it -- that's the beauty of anesthesia!

trisholio · November 2013

ball.and.chain ball.and.chain I appreciate your honesty about how your handled the struggles. This is not easy and we are real people with real emotions, but while going thru this struggle we have to go on in life and sometimes pretend everything is ok.

I cannot put into words what the support and advice of everyone on this board has meant to me and my wife. I think of you all often and even do my best to send up prayers that things will work out for the best for each of you. :-)

KH826 · November 2013

@trisholio - I read this post over the weekend, and I have been thinking about how to respond. So many others here have already said things that I would have said... I would like to add that I agree with @ball.and.chain that no matter how your family comes to be created, it will be the perfect family that is meant to be for you and your wife. It is clear how much love you both have in your hearts for children, and I have no doubt that you will find a way to build your family -- it just might not be exactly how and when you thought it would happen. I am a firm believer though that everything happens for a reason.

With all of that being said, I will be thinking of you and wishing you much luck and sending healing thoughts your way for your surgery. I have been under general anesthesia once for knee surgery when I was in high school, and then conscious sedation for my egg retrieval. Both times were actually a breeze, and though I was quite nervous, everything was fine and I didn't remember anything from the time they put in my IV until I woke up in recovery.

trisholio · November 2013

KH826, thank you for your response and support. I really appreciate that so many of you have responded and put so much thought into your words.

I feel a lot better about the surgery. I feel more mentally prepared and emotionally prepared. I also know that I have the support of my mom, my wife and many friends (in real life and on here).

GoaliesWife123 · November 2013

@trisholio, I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time. In addition to all of the amazing words that have already been said, I wanted to say that it is okay for you to cry, scream, yell, laugh...or any other expression of your emotion. This is a very difficult process for anyone, not to mention for someone who is going through the steps of becoming a foster parent, for someone who is dealing with all of the other issues that you have taken on and for anyone in general! It is okay to let your guard down and be sad or mad. No one will ever say different and if they do, they clearly have never gone through this process.

As for your surgery, I can't imagine going through surgery without my wife with me. I am so sorry that she can't get any vacation time. Is there any way that she can call in sick on the day of? What I wanted to say was that I have been through surgery before and I can say with certainty that the medication they give you to go to sleep is ah-mazing. When I had my kidney surgery many years ago, the doctor called the medicine "magic milk" and as soon as he gave it to me, I was out and the next thing I knew I was waking up. The key is to think of something amazing and really go there. You are going to be okay!

We're all here for you, no matter what. You have my e-mail and you can write any time for any reason!!! You will get your take home baby, one way or another!

trisholio · November 2013

GoaliesWife123 Thank you. I so appreciate your friendship and support on this board and via email :-)

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