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November 2013 Moms
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Concern about others holding LO-FTM jitters.

Allison217Allison217 member
in November 2013 Moms
I'm a FTM & just within the past 2 days I've had this overwhelming sense of paranoia about other people holding my LO once he's arrived (DD=5 days!) I'm not nervous about people breathing on him, we've already explained that we don't want anyone under the weather around him. I just feel like family will rush into the LDR as soon as I've had him & I won't get a chance to bond immediately.

My DH's family is extremely close (they all live on the same street) and we've been on a rocky road with them for a little while due to a completely different matter & I don't want to cut them out of LO's life just due to an argument. I just feel concerned that they'll hold LO & won't want to give him back to BF or will tell me that I'm doing (fill in the blank) wrong.

My DH says I'm just going into Momma Bear mode-I just don't want this to escalate into a huge issue rather than just a small concern. I don't want to sound like a snobby mom- I know family will want to hold baby just as much as I do, but I still feel bothered.

Any other FTM feel like this or STM have this concern the first time around? How would you handle any unsolicited advice? Like I said I'm a FTM & don't claim to know everything, but I'd like to think I know a thing or two where my LO is concerned.
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Re: Concern about others holding LO-FTM jitters.

  • QstonQston member
    I'd start with setting your own boundaries, and sticking to them. My husband and I are not asking, but rather telling our family that we will be taking 2 hours after delivery for private time, as establishing bf in that first time period is important to me.

    If they are coming to the hospital for visits, and baby is crying, they will probably give it back to you, to feed, change, whatever. If you are back home and want to avoid too much holding, get a carrier, like a moby or sling, and just don't offer it up! Hope you figure out something that works for you!
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  • Allison217Allison217 member
    @Qston we do have a Sleepy Wrap (like a Moby) that I stuffed into a drawer & forgot about. Thank you!

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  • CoIvieCoIvie member
    ...um...why not just tell them when you want visitors and that you don't want visitors AS SOON as you have your child..
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  • jennifertewartjennifertewart member
    Not that we have a set plan, but I would imagine we are not going to tell anyone until LO arrives except for our parents.... It is not like everyone will be able to drop what they are doing and rush to the hospital.  Maybe give them a time when you will be accepting visitors such as, "so and so is here! you are welcome to come visit anytime after 5 pm!"  As for the parents, I have no problem being open and honest with mine and DH takes care of communicating with his (not that I can't).  

    If you set up your boundaries early on then it should not become an issue.

    I am a FTM as well so I can't talk from experience but I will probably just nod at any advice I get and then do what I and DH want to do.... 
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  • Allison217Allison217 member
    Thanks ladies! It's helpful to hear this from other moms (to be). I don't always get a straight answer from DH :)
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  • Mum2Be28Mum2Be28 member
    You are smart to be thinking about this now. I got really depressed in the hospital because I felt like between the doctors, nurses and family and friends coming in ALL THE TIME- that the baby was just always being taken from me. And it was really hard to get the breast feeding down because of this too. I eventually ended up just whipping out my boobs no matter who was in there. One time my father in law came in and said he had come to walk the DS around so I could sleep and I busted out crying and said "you can't take the baby!" I felt so bad because I knew he was trying to help me because I had not slept in three days.

    If I could do it all over again, I would take 2-3 hours with just DH and LO right after birth. Then allow just immediate family in on the first day at one specific time. Then get some rest and have a set block for friends to visit on the second day. Then the rest of the time put the do not disturb/family resting sign on your door.

    Also, I have had no trouble at all asking people to wash their hands. I haven't let any children come over to see him. And I've asked my parents and DHs parents not to get in his face, touch his mouth or kiss him anywhere but on the top/back/side of his head. I thought that I would have trouble being that stern about it, but it's been easy. I want LO healthy!
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  • Tbash813Tbash813 member
    Our family has to come from out of town to visit once the baby is born. I set limits nobody is allowed to stay in our house once I get home from the hospital. Also, while I am in the hospital DH and I are having strict bonding time since she is our first and it is such a big change.

    We already had to put the kabosh on his dad and his dad's wife because she booked a hotel and didn't ask us if we were accepting visitors. The she would corner me and try to force me to make a decision. Ha that didn't go over well. Needless to say stick to your guns but know down the road compromises will need to be made.
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  • jaapno11200112jaapno11200112 member
    I am in a similar situation. When I did my hospital tour the nurses told us we could set up a "secret code" for when we wanted people kicked out. She used the example of ringing for the nurse and asking for some apple juice. She would then make up some excuse and ask everyone to leave because of ______. I thought that was such a cool idea on their part! It wouldn't put me in an awkward position and I intend on using this method :)
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  • LisadiLisadi member
    cagoldi said:
    I don't see why family would rush in if you don't want them there right away. Can't your DH tell them we're not accepting visitors until we get home, a week PP, or fill in the blank with whatever time frame you find acceptable?

    I can't imagine anyone depriving a baby of BM just because they want to keep holding him while he's fussing to get back to his Mom so he can eat. Will they tell you what you're doing wrong? If they're like my in-laws, absolutely. My MIL is one of those grandma's that thinks the baby is perpetually freezing. We took him for a walk around the block the other day and she was horrified because she said it was too cold outside (it was in the low 80's).
     :: waves hand :: My MIL did this, but she's a special kind of special. OP just speak up and be firm.
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  • katiegalkatiegal member
    I worried about this too the first time around but it really didn't play out that way. After LO was born we probably waited an hour or so before inviting our patents in the room. Then I believe they held her while they were stitching and cleaning me up.
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  • lafsalotlafsalot member
    I had concerns and DH told his dad that we will have alone time with baby right after she is born. My larger concern is the barrage of his family that are now staying at our house for 2 weeks after I have her. The closer we get, the more unnerved I am... I don't mind dinner her, but none if my family will be here the first couple weeks so I don't feel like I have a support system for my wishes. DH's family is loud and overbearing, I am a new mom, who will be BFing and exhausted. I will likely spend a lot of time in my room with baby napping and feeding. Sending DH texts regarding snacks and beverage refills. I am just not a nice person when I am stressed and tired... I will probably be a horribly mean momma bear with the constant family stress.
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  • Gracie1455Gracie1455 member
    I am a STM and we did things very differently at the hospital this time for this very reason. For my RCS on Nov 1st we told both sets of grandparents that we would call them that day once we were ready for visitors. I did not want them in the lobby because I knew they would be knocking on my door before I was ready and it would be more difficult to manage. My husband did send email and text updates right away letting them know all was well and that we would call once settled into our room. I did make sure DH was on board with this plan in advance and also gave my parents and in laws a heads up in advance. I don't think they liked the fact that they had to wait, but I have no regrets. They came that afternoon to meet our daughter and it was fine.

    Also we told them that we would plan the rest of the hospital visits by ear based on how I was feeling. I was very nauseous on the first day and feeling pain in day 2 so I spoke up to keep both visits brief as well, which did not happen when my first was born. On day 2 my in laws showed up 3 hours later than they said they would, during hospital designated nap time and 15 minutes from feeding. My MIL didn't want to give the baby back when it was time for her to feed, which I was totally annoyed by. After that I told my husband that we wouldn't be accepting more visitor in the hospital and just needed to focus on rest and bonding with our family. It was a much more relaxed and positive experience for me and I actually felt much better physically leaving the hospital. In summary I would recommend to have a rough plan in advance and to make sure DH is on board. Don't let other place guilt on you for wanting to rest and have quiet bonding time. You deserve it and best of luck!
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  • dobrydneydobrydney member
    I'm a FTM who still has a couple of weeks to go, but we've outright told our families that we want a few hours for bonding and then they're welcome to come visit.  I don't want/need an audience for establishing breastfeeding and it's important to us that we get a little bit of time with LO first.  It's really your decision.
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