Holy Temper Tantrums.

BigIsland07 · November 2013

DS is 4.5 and has the WORST temper tantrums. They didn't really start until he was nearing four, but now they're HORRID. And they're about everything. Teeth brushing, going to bed, getting dressed, eating his food, not getting to watch cartoons, putting his toys away, etc. In his words, "I throw temper tantrums when I don't get my way." And he talks back. He doesn't swear or anything, but he blows raspberries at us (ok, it's SO not blowing raspberries when they're four, but you get the point), he'll hit and kick (not hard) and will kick his closet/bed, etc. Every time he starts to talk about or throw a temper tantrum, we ask him to go to his room (or we put him there) until he's feeling better. We talk about his feelings and try to help him understand what went wrong, that he gets lots of choices, etc. He's a good, caring and sweet boy, but these daily temper tantrums usually end with him in bed early without bedtime stories. It's making life with him miserable.

Anyone else going through this? Tips?

mommymegan831 · November 2013

The only think you mention that might raise a red flag is all the choices he's getting Why is he getting so many choices? Maybe he doesn't realize that things aren't always what he wants and that as the adult you're the ones making the decisions.

It just seems odd to me because I've always heard of the terrible 2s, I know DD was kind of rough from about 1 1/2-2, after 2 she got alot better and since 3 she's been great. I noticed my nephew seems to be much more mature and interact with adults very well since turning 4.

If you're sure you're doing the best you can, not giving in or spoiling, maybe you should talk to your dr.

AZ123 · November 2013

I personally think your punishment isn't working. Being sent to his room isn't working. What does he like? is there tv or something else you can take away that hits home harder with him? When he's calm tell him that if he can't control his temper tantrum he's going to lose x. That will help him control it. He needs help to control the temper tantrums because he's getting used to them and they're "working" for him in a way.

Tell him a story about a friend you know (even if you're making it up) and about how your friend was speeding and got pulled over by a police officer and your friend was so made that she wanted to yell and scream and kick the police officer but knew that she couldn't because she would be arrested and go to jail !! that sort of thing. so you help him relate to how even though you want to yell and kick, you can't.

You might also want to slowly start educating him about being respectful to the house and property. Kicking the door would be a straight punishment in our house because the wear and tear on the home is costly etc.

meg1974 · November 2013

Have you read 1-2-3 Magic? A lot of people like it, and it sounds like it might work for you. It's basically a way of establishing boundaries and showing them that they can't always have what they want.

nosoup4u · November 2013

DS1 has serious temper tantrums/fits, and has since he was about 18 months. I have no idea why he does and DS2 doesn't, different kids and all that.

Anyway, we've been really pushing "acting like a big kid" (he gets what he's asking for when he can ask nicely and stay calm, stuff like that), and that seems to be helping him. We have to stay on him and remind and refocus him, and be able to tell when he's starting to get upset, but at this point we know pretty well if he's getting there.

He also calms down really quickly if we start talking about something *completely* unrelated, or even start acting goofy and get him to laugh. Then we can go back and talk about what he's mad about.

It also helps if we (DH or I) remove ourselves from where DS1 is (he won't stay in his room if he's freaking out), but not as a form of punishment. More as a, "You're really upset and we will be over here, let us know when you've calmed down." When he doesn't have an audience, he will generally calm down quicker. I will also admit that I don't have much patience when it comes to DS1's tantrums, so some of these are ways for me to calm myself down and not yell at him!

How much autonomy/responsibility does he have? Have you tried charts or visual cues about "must-do" things (brushing teeth), so he can choose what to do first, second, etc? Alfie Kohn has some interesting thoughts on taking away books and things like that - basically, parents withdraw love if a kid doesn't act the way the parents want them to. Which sort of gives the kid no reason to "act right", so they might as well keep freaking out. Reminding DS1 that he can read books once he does x, y, and z is more neutral than threatening to take books away if he doesn't do them. It really seems to put more responsibility on him, and takes out the butting heads with us aspect.

"How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" might be a helpful read. Hang in there! 3/4 was tough for us.

nosoup4u · November 2013

AZ123 said:

Tell him a story about a friend you know (even if you're making it up) and about how your friend was speeding and got pulled over by a police officer and your friend was so made that she wanted to yell and scream and kick the police officer but knew that she couldn't because she would be arrested and go to jail !! that sort of thing. so you help him relate to how even though you want to yell and kick, you can't.

I'm sorry, but this is insane. All it will do is make a kid think the cops will come and get them if they get really upset about something.

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