Is this an abnormal behaviour?

sunnydays99 · November 2013

DS has been going through a phase for about a month or so and I'm wondering if it's normal or not.

Lately when he gets scolded (even gently) or told not do do something he gets really upset, covers his eyes, runs and hides, etc. he won't talk to anyone and just seems to shut everyone out. This can last anywhere from 1 minute to 10 minutes. Most of the time it seems like a major overreaction to whatever is happening. When it first began I would give him some space then explain that he's not in trouble, etc. He would mope a bit afterwards but then snaps out of it and moves on.

Last week he had a hard day at preschool and had two of these episodes. It took the teachers 15-20 minutes each time to get him to stop then he was still off for the rest of the day. They talked to me about it at pick up and I explained what I've been doing at home. They didn't have any suggestions for me and it seemed as though they've never encountered behaviour like this which made me start to worry that it was really abnormal.

I've been talking to him a lot about it and he said that when it happens he feels like a bad boy and he doesn't want people to think he's bad. He's disappointed that people think he's naughty. I've tried telling him that he's not bad, he's good, and that all he has to do is say sorry for whatever he was doing and move on. I try telling him he's not in trouble and no one is mad at him. Yet, he's still internalizing everything and saying he's a bad boy :-(. Overall he is a really good kid and he gets tons of praise throughout the day. So I'm not sure why he thinks he's bad.

He's always been very sensitive and this new behaviour has come right as a separation anxiety issue passed. My thinking is that this is also a phase and I shouldn't give it too much attention. The preschool teachers reaction to it has made me second guess myself though and now I'm wondering if it's something more.

Any feedback or suggestions would be great!!

chevronseven · November 2013

I am a preschool teacher and this could be a few things. He is definitely displaying shame over whatever behavior he is in trouble for, which is a good sign as far as learning to take responsibility and care whether he's doing a good job or not, but the fact that it is lasting so long might mean he is trying to get out of any punishment or consequence he would otherwise have been given. By the time he engages with an adult he might assume it's been long enough that he's not in trouble anymore. With my class, for example, when we put them in time out for something and they are trying to get up and run away, we help them sit and tell them "Your time out does not start until you are sitting by yourself. If you do a good job right now, you can have a short time out and go back to playing. Would you rather have a short time out or a long time out?" They usually say "Short," and sit for their five minutes. It might also be a way of getting extra attention. Playing "hard to get" in a way. When kids are in time out and won't listen or talk with the adult who is trying to explain how to correct the behavior, we tell them "I will come back when you are ready to talk," which tells them "Your time out will last until you show me you are listening," and also shows that I'm not going to sit there and give them extra attention when they are not doing a good job. It may also just be him not accepting the word "No." I have kids in my class who pout or throw a fit whenever it is time to change activities or share a toy, and I just tell them "This is always how it is at school. Crying will never get you what you want at school. You have to follow the rules even when you don't want to." When he starts with the "bad boy" stuff, just say, "You are not a bad boy, but right now you are making a bad choice. A better choice would be....." I also just reread your post and saw that he just got over a separation anxiety issue. He might think that if he acts out at school, they'll call you and he'll get to go home.

That is a lot of possibilities! Hope it helps a little. Honestly if he is generally a good kid I doubt he is acting out for attention, but if he needs to stop doing something and throws a fit when you tell him not to, don't give in or get too soft. Even if attention isn't his immediate goal, it can reinforce this behavior. If it continues into Kindergarten I would suggest talking to a behavior interventionist. School districts can usually put you in touch with one.

sunnydays99 · November 2013

cmeon_the_water said:

I'm going to disagree with the PP- my DS is one very, very sensitive child and this sounds an awful lot like DS's "episodes" when he thinks he's done something wrong. Not a simple tantrum or manipulative fussing session.

He is a really naturally "good" kid- he has a sometimes very annoyingly strong sense of justice, adores rules, respects authority (at least at this age), and is really easy in a lot of ways- but, he is super hard on himself and just falls apart if he thinks he's done something wrong (or is being corrected- no matter how gently).

We pretty much do what you- we send him to his room (not angrily, of course) to calm down, give whatever caused the breakdown a little while before we broach it again, and it goes just fine if he's had sufficient time to get past mentally beating himself up. It's also a really common "quirk" in his gifted class- his teacher has the upset kids spend some quiet time in the reading nook until they can pull it together.

So, I won't call it "normal" to be so *very* sensitive- but, I don't think it's a behavior that's a major cause for concern if he's able to bounce back. Unfortunately, I also don't think it's a phase- honestly, DS reminds me of kid-me a lot, and while I'm much better about not letting on outwardly when I'm upset with myself over making a mistake- internally, I still kick my own ass way too much.

Thanks for the replies!

@cmeon it sounds like our DS's are VERY similar! I really think it boils down to his very sensitive nature and how he hates to disappoint people. It doesn't seem tantrum like or manipulative at all. He really is just beating himself up over disappointing someone. His teachers seemed surprised and said that they are far more used to tantrums and a child lashing out physically rather than escaping inwardly. I guess that's why I started freaking out a bit!

I guess I'll just continue what I'm doing and try to help him learn some strategies to use in the moment.

funchicken · November 2013

DD2 is like this. She is very sensitive to being told she's done something wrong. If she thinks she's misbehaved, she'll run away and hide her face for several minutes. She always wants to be helpful and please us, and we always try to be really gentle if we have to correct her, but she's just really sensitive. She's always been like this, and she's not even three. I think it's just part of her personality.

mommymegan831 · November 2013

I don't think livelaughlove understands what you're referring too. DD (3 1/2) has been doing this recently, although I remember her getting upset, crying, when she got in trouble when she was about 1 or so, and it seems like she's going back to it. If I talk to her sternly or sharply she'll cover her face and cry. The other day she was just excited and messing around slapped me if the face. I told her, in a sharp manner, that's not nice, and she looked kind of shocked, then got hysterical. Yesterday while I was changing her brother at McDonalds she walked out of the bathroom and into the lobby of the restaurant. When I finally found her I brought her back to the table, she started to tell me something about the food going over the conveyer belt and I told her I didn't want to hear it right now and how wrong it was for her to leave the bathroom. She dropped to the floor, but not in a screaming yelling tantrum, just hiding her face and whimpering.

I haven't really asked her about why she does it, but I think it's because she gets that she was wrong and is upset I'm upset with her. I think that's a good thing. I usually let her take a few minutes to be upset and then I'll give her a hug and explain why I'm upset and let her sit with me for a few minutes and she'll calm down.

I would talk to the preschool teacher about making sure she's speaking sternly and not yelling at your DS. I'd also suggest to her that after a minute or two she try to comfort him. I doesn't seem like it need to go on for that long, but as long has he's just upset, not screaming and crying, I guess it's not that bad, maybe he just needs the time to calm down.

sunnydays99 · November 2013

Thanks @mommymegan831. It's nice to hear others have the same experience. You're right, it's not at all a tantrum like behaviour. He's just really upset that someone is disappointed in him or possibly thinks he's bad.

I spoke with his preschool teachers and they suggested changing the language they use for him. For example, rather than saying "don't run" saying "remember to use your walking feet". Hopefully that will decrease the likelihood of him having an episode.

By no means do I want people walking on eggshells around him though, so I'll have to continue figuring out a coping mechanism for him.

chevronseven · November 2013

Everyone else has much better advice than me! I'm just now expecting my first so I don't really have the perspective you're looking for. I like the suggestion to keep language positive. That example about walking feet is actually something we say at my school. I also like cmeon's example of the gifted teacher giving them a safe space to calm down. And mommymegan is right, it is a good thing that he doesn't want you to be upset with him. My only worry is that at some point he has to learn emotional regulation. We can't burst into tears whenever we mess up in life. But I'm sure that will improve with time.

neverblushed · November 2013

Hi there -- Mom of older kids chiming in.

What you are seeing is not at all abnormal for sensitive kids and/or very smart kids who are generally well-behaved. Both of my kids were VERY hard on themselves and could over-react with shame if they felt they had disappointed a parent or teacher. Starting in the preschool years and continuing to the present day, they both feel it keenly when they know they've done something wrong. When they were small, they were less able to deal with the feelings of regret and shame that come with making a mistake. They would both engage in some of the behaviors you are seeing in your DS: running away, self-recrimination, etc. Now that they are older, they are both still hard on themselves, but they are less likely to react so strongly and dramatically. This happened naturally with time and maturity. Certainly by age 7, my kids weren't freaking out over every mistake they made!

I think the dramatic over-reaction starts out as 100% genuine. But sharp kids can also learn that if they have extreme reactions, it's a way to get the parents/teachers to be more sympathetic -- they're fishing for sympathy.

I suggest de-emphasizing describing him as a "good boy" or "bad boy." Stay focused on behavior instead of identity. Livelaughlove gave some good wording: "You're not a bad boy, but you made a bad choice." I found this helped my kids be more objective about their own mistakes.

kelleykins81 · November 2013

our daughter has just started with this behavior as well. it's not all the time, but sometimes she gets really upset when we scold her. she has run up to her room crying a few times recently, but comes back down acting fine in a few mins or so. or she'll pout, hide her face....that kind of thing. if i have just had to raise my voice at her and that's why she's upset i do make sure to tell her that i'm not mad at her. i was a very sensitive child and cried every time my parents yelled at me...or any time i thought they were mad at me. so i make sure to tell her i'm not mad, just that what she did wasn't nice, or whatever applies to the situation.

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