Vent about my step son's mom

flyingsaucer · November 2013

My SS is 11. He is with us on weekends (sometimes every other depending on schedules). My DH drives an hour to pick him up Saturdays, and hour to bring him to our house, then an hour each way to drop him off Sundays. His mom is an ass. SS has gained a lot of weight in the last few years. His dr talked to all of us about trying to get SS to eat better and be more active (his mom feeds him CRAP). Mom left the dr's office and took him to McD's for a double cheeseburger, fries and a shake???? Today he got to my house, has no jacket (it's 40 degrees out), no socks (just sneakers) and at 3pm had not yet brushed his teeth. WTF??? He is such a good kid, it's just so frustrating that she doesn't put more effort into parenting him

twister22 · November 2013

That is seriously ridiculous. Do you guys have a CO(court order) in place? Can SS be signed up for a program at the local children's hospital? I know the one in our area has something for overweight kids, it's a class about having healthy eating habits and exercising, and they do fun exercising games and stuff.

Also, the Blended Families board has a lot of good insight, I'm on there myself.

https://forums.thebump.com/categories/blended-families

flyingsaucer · November 2013

She and my H were not married. They went out in college and she got pg as the relationship came to an end.... I have been in his life since he was very young (3). She has always been like this, but I guess it's greeting worse as he gets older. She is very sweet when we talk to her but does NOTHING to change... Ever. She sucks.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

Thanks @twister22 . No court order. They were never married and they have always been able to work things (money, visitation) out without intervention. Mostly because we do everything for him and she lets us. I am going to look into the children's hospitals. That's a good idea. She mostly lets him watch tv when he wants, eat what he wants (watch tv and eat at the same time a lot). It can be so hard to convince an 11 year old that fruit and exercise are better

flyingsaucer · November 2013

@FhSTAR81 actually it is tough because we often seem like the "bad guys" because we make him shut off the tv, have a little more structure, eat healthier, etc. He is a really sweet easy going kid, so he doesn't give us hell about it, but he is more like "Why can't I have candy and soda???". So we try to just keep it fun, go on family walks, etc... Try not to make a big deal about it you know? It is just frustrating

twister22 · November 2013

The no jacket, socks, and brushing teeth aren't acceptable. At 11 SS should know how to take care of himself. However, since he clearly isn't, BM needs to make sure that he's doing those things, as that's her job as a mother. And BM getting him McDonald's after an appointment where the doctor says SS needs to eat better/lose weight is really poor parenting.

Is there more going on with SS's home life with BM? Do you think there is possible neglect? I don't want to jump to that, but it sounds like BM has really bad judgment, so neglect may not be beyond the realm of possibility.

LoveActually4 · November 2013

I'm sorry. I know how frustrating this is and I just wanted to offer support.

Is he in any extracurricular activities? Could you guys take up an active hobby together on weekends like rock climbing or hiking? With us, signing my SKs up for formal activities sometimes causes conflict because their mom just doesn't take them.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

@twister22 I feel like he should be taking responsibility for his self care more, but doesn't because she has not consistently taught him to. We try on weekends, but everything ends up getting undone when he goes back to his moms. I see her as neglectful, but not enough to be a case for CPS. She keeps a roof over his head, he has clothes, toys, goes to school, does his homework.... Beyond the basics, she really just let's him do what he wants. It's ridiculous. She is educated, has a good job, is remarried. She is just a shitty mom. I don't get it.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

Thanks to you all for the support. I am glad that I can vent here :-). @LoveActually4 the sports can be tough because his moms house is an hour away, so he will either miss it when he is with us or when he is with her. His school has some sports, we should try to encourage that. I agree that we should try to come up with an active family hobby

flyingsaucer · November 2013

pobrecita said:

Why didn't he brush his teeth? Put socks on? My DD is 7 and I am not on her about stuff like this. Jacket yes. I would put him in an activity.
Yes but you taught her that. If someone hasn't ever been consistently taught, it would be different.

Exactly. My 5 year old keeps up more with his hygiene, because it is part of his daily routine. Not so for SS. Plus 11 year old boys can be just gross. You really have to check them to make sure that they are clean and dressed properly sometimes. His mom doesn't, unfortunately

SoDoMojo · November 2013

That blows. Sorry you have to deal with her. I can't imagine the stress of being a step-parent. My step-mom (who I consider my "mother") was lucky, in the fact that my real mom wasn't in the picture at all anymore.

Hope things turn around. GL!

flyingsaucer · November 2013

@mbenit4 he has no choice when he is with us. He really is a good kid and goes with the flow. He eats most of what I cook. He is always asking for snacks (or at like 9 at night will want a sandwich or something) but if we say no, or suggest fruit, he goes with it. He is used to the rules at our house and has no trouble complying. When he wakes up, it's like "good morning, go brush your teeth", which is the same as we do with the other kids in the house. He does it. I guess if he was ALLOWED to sit and watch tv without brushing he would, or he would eat crap all night, but he knows he can't, so he won't.

cpmich · November 2013

On the tv piece, when you are with him just ask him to turn off the tv so you can spend time together. Shower him with time and love. Kids get lost in the tv because they are bored and it is an escape. In reality, he would rather be engaged in something that he actively enjoys. It may take time for you to figure out what this activity is. If he watches a ton of tv I doubt he knows or even can figure it out anymore. If nothing else, you guys can make dinner together with you letting him know how much you enjoy his help and company.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

Yes, I am very lucky that he is such a sweet easy going kid!

twister22 · November 2013

I'm just confused that you've known she's a crappy mom for years, yet your DH hasn't tried to get more visitation time with him. I believe that I provide a better life, better living situation, better family dynamics, better upbringing, etc. to my DS, and that is in part why I have full custody and BD is the NCP (Non Custodial Parent) and is CO'd to have EOWE (Every Other WeekEnd.) Depending on what state you guys are in, without a CO either parent can keep the child for as long as they want. Obviously after 11 years a precedent has been set, but I wonder why your DH didn't try for more time with his son when he and BM first split up.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

@mbenit4 that is crazy. Our situation is similar. His mom is very "hands off". He spent weekends and summers at our house and she had never met me or been to my house! I have to say though, that it has worked for us that she sucks. As much as I get frustrated with her I don't know if I could deal with a controlling, over the top helicopter mom (maybe because I am one :P )

flyingsaucer · November 2013

@twister22 things were not as bad when he was younger. He spent a lot more time with us (every weekend, school vacation, summers) but his mom moved further way (an hour) so it became harder to get him back and forth, plus he has friends, school functions, etc now that make it harder to have him come over as often. She was never mom of the year, but never this bad. It is definitely getting worse as he gets older. So some of these issues are fairly new.... Or maybe it was just less noticeable before??? It would be tough as a dad, to get full custody. She is not neglectful to the point of abuse... She is just not doing a great job. They now share joint custody.

LoveActually4 · November 2013

Also @kgopel, if she moved further away it is her responsibility to bring SS to you! Not for your husband to have to drive 2 hrs every weekend....

I'm starting to think you guys would really benefit from a formal agreement. Your H could put in conditions that he attend a healthy living program, it would ease your transportation responsibility and you may get to see him more.

twister22 · November 2013

Actually if BM was the one to move then your DH had an even better chance at getting custody. More and more judges are favoring 50/50 these days. However, that may not have been the case 10 years ago when your DH would have been likely to file, so I see your point. Now it would be a hard case to prove since the precedent has been set and since SS does have an established school, friends, etc. Definitely see if you guys can get him involved in a teens healthy eating/exercise program, especially if the local children's hospital has one.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

LoveActually4 said:

Also @kgopel, if she moved further away it is her responsibility to bring SS to you! Not for your husband to have to drive 2 hrs every weekend.... I'm starting to think you guys would really benefit from a formal agreement. Your H could put in conditions that he attend a healthy living program, it would ease your transportation responsibility and you may get to see him more.

It would be great if she would even drive half way... Even some of the time. DH was always afraid that left to her having to drive we would not get to see SS, so he does it. We need to look into this. Thank you

LoveActually4 · November 2013

I hope it works out @kgopel, PM me of you have any questions.

In the meantime I think it would benefit from your DH and his ex having talk about your SS. Your H should email (so it's in writing) his concerns about his weight, eating habits and hygiene. I'm sure it can be done in a very non accusatory way so that she will hopefully be on board with finding a solution.

flyingsaucer · November 2013

LoveActually4 said:

I hope it works out @kgopel, PM me of you have any questions. In the meantime I think it would benefit from your DH and his ex having talk about your SS. Your H should email (so it's in writing) his concerns about his weight, eating habits and hygiene. I'm sure it can be done in a very non accusatory way so that she will hopefully be on board with finding a solution.

Good ideas, and again, thank you so much. I don't have many friends IRL with SKs, so it can be hard to vent when no one can relate. I appreciate the support and ideas. Thanks to all!

Spapeggy · November 2013

I would be sad though if BM showed ss the email. Do you think she would do that? Just keep that in mind if you do put anything in writing.

Want a personalized experience?

Vent about my step son's mom

Re: Vent about my step son's mom

Choose Another Board

Search Boards