sometimes being a mom sucks. UPDATE

gollywollypog · November 2013

Today is H's grandmas funeral 2.5 hours away. Last night I set out all our funeral clothes, packed a bag with a change of clothes, snacks, etc. My mom was going to come with us to take care of Emery while the service was being held, then we were going to stay in that town for the better part of the day to visit with family and see the family estate and farm (where Grandma was born and raised, not where she's lived for the entire time I've known her). We were supposed to leave half an hour ago. Instead, H left without me and I get to stay home with the kids because Joaquin projectile vomited all over the hallway and bathroom at 2 am last night.

I desperately needed the closure of this funeral but I'm not going to get that. This sucks hard.

I also had horrifying nightmares last night about death and apocalyptic type stuff.

I guess this is turning into a vent. Last year around this time I sunk into a depression and it was triggered by the 4 month pp period and the Newtown shooting. I couldn't even enjoy the holidays last year. I keep thinking about the Newtown shooting lately and I'm scared I'm going to fall into a depression again. I don't really have a history of depression but there is a sordid family history with it, including suicide and alcoholism, so it's always kind of following me around and I know it's there to be had, you know?

I'm not being fulfilled by my H and I'm feeling emotionally betrayed by him in a lot of ways. I hope putting all of this out here will be a sort of release to help me work through this stuff. Any words of wisdom are appreciated. I know I need counseling, I tend to bottle stuff up and I know I need an outlet to work through my issues as they come up. Easier said then done, right? If it was easy I'd be in counseling right now.

I'll end my rambling there. Thanks for listening guys.

**UPDATE**

Can I just say first I love you guys? Really, sometimes the thing you need most is a listening ear and a I've been there and you are not alone. Thank you so much for that.

So H came home this evening and we were able to really talk on a deep level for the first time in a really long time. I was able to get a lot of things off my chest and he was able to listen and really understand what I meant. I am feeling hopeful. We have a lot that we need to work through and I'm going to find a counselor this week to see, just me, because my way of trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my husband is not working. I need help figuring that out, and that's okay.

I'm still really sad I had to miss the funeral and there's still a lot to work through there, but I feel like if my H and I are on more solid ground right now after this "come to Jesus" talk, the rest will follow much more smoothly.

You guys are the best.

alrighthamilton · November 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I first started counseling for it when I was 5, after two horrible events occurred in my life. This time of year, around the holidays, is notoriously difficult for those who suffer from depression. Like yours, mine is also triggered my horrible events, like the Sandy Hook shooting. For the last few years, I worked through things on my own without counseling, but when the depression reared it's ugly head again this past spring, tiggered by the loss of my dog, I went to a counselor. I figured I now have Kate depending on me to be the best I can be, I owed it to her to try everything in my power to feel better. And I do, thankfully. I know it can be hard to take the first step in seeking help, and I have problems opening up to people, but counseling has helped me tremendously.

Also, my husband and I both have family histories of depression. Enough so that it made me question whether or not I wanted to bring a child into this world with the predisposition to it. But Bpaws is right, your family history doesn't define you. How you choose to deal with it does, and it sounds like you know what is best for your treatment (not turning to alcohol, not keeping things bottled up, etc.) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this-believe me, I can sympathize. Please keep us posted on how you are doing, and vent here whenever you need to.

gollywollypog · November 2013

Thanks @bpaws. That's a good idea about going on my own sometime. I guess I just can't comprehend that she's gone. It feels like she's still here because I haven't seen her since summer and never saw her sick. (H went and saw her a few days before she died, she was 4 hrs away.) Maybe seeing her grave will be a form of closure.

gollywollypog · November 2013

Thanks @becc77, it helps to know I'm not alone.

jodegaard · November 2013

Huge hugs, friend. I wish I could do more.

I think I remember you mentioning that you guys weren't really connected to a church that felt like a good fit. Are you still looking? Community is such a great support when things are tough.

I'm praying for you guys! We're here for you.

gollywollypog · November 2013

@jodegaard, we aren't doing "church" right now and I know we need to find a good fit. We do have a home group that we go to on Tuesday nights hosted by some friends, potluck bible study style, that we go to as a family.

Also, I go to a womens in depth bible study on Wed mornings that I've been going to for 5 years now (community bible study), that is tremendously supportive and so, so good for me and the kids. So I have community there. I don't think H would say he has that kind of community anywhere though.

I do feel like I'm relying on God much more heavily right now, as is usually the case when I'm struggling. So that is a blessing. I am learning a lot about myself and about Him. I just need to reach out beyond myself for help with my H.

gollywollypog · November 2013

@lilidragon, I think that's part of the problem. I feel like I get almost NO me time. And there is a deep seated resentment with that because I feel like H gets SO much him time. He has hobbies and spends so much of his time on them and I get...the kids.

And I feel like I hold my tongue because of a laundry list of things I can't even begin to type out here. He does a great job of taking the kids and doing fun daddy stuff with them. But 9 times out of 10 I'm left with at least one kid while he takes the other two, and usually I'm left with two kids while he takes one. And I feel like he barely invests any time in me/us. I'm sure he'd say the same of me. And it'd be true. I'm just super resentful right now.

jodegaard · November 2013

You are very self aware. You see the issues and you know what would help, but life gets in the way. I like LiliD's suggestion of journaling/writing your thoughts down. And then maybe talk them over with your H? Resentment eats away at us, while doing nothing to make things better.

I know resources are limited, but maybe you guys can get creative together. Make a night of coming up with ideas for alone time for you and quality together time for the both of you.

And just remember this phase won't last forever. I know you feel attached at the hip to E and that majorly restricts alone time opportunities. This too shall pass.

jessalynn521 · November 2013

First off, giant ((hugs)) for you. I am so sorry for all of this. It seems like an incredible amount of things on your plate at once.

I am also sorry that you missed the funeral. I understand that closure is necessary and I am sorry that you didn't get that. As for as the depression gwp, I love you and I really hope that since you know counseling is something you need you seek it out. I know none of us can make you, but know that we are all rooting for you dear.

As far as the issues with your husband, have you spoken with him of where you are coming from? I know sometimes that is easier said than done, but sometimes you just need to get things off of your chest to the person that can actually help the situation for you (not to say we aren't here to listen!) Sometimes it really does help to just hash everything out together and then go with a "where do we go from here?" plan that the 2 of you decide on together.

I really hope that things start to look up for you soon dear. You are incredibly deserving of wonderful things in your life, and I really hope that you start to see the upswing soon.

PurrCrasher · November 2013

I'm so late to this thread but I wanted to chime in and say that after reading your update I'm really glad that you're going to seek out someone to help you organize your thoughts.

DH's grandfather was found to be terminally ill and immediately put on hospice the day I went into labor and died when the babies were three days old. I had to miss the funeral which devastated me because I never got to see him while he was in the hospital before he died. I ended up staying home with my one week old newborns by myself during the funeral thanks to a flaky friend who was supposed to help me but never showed. I really found myself getting frustrated and depressed with the lack of closure and with how unsupported I felt in that vulnerable time. DH's grandfather was someone I cared deeply about and I really struggled with his sudden death and not getting to say goodbye. I finally had a bit of a sit down with DH where I laid it all out to him like it sounds like you did with your DH. I felt so much better afterwards. I needed validation that the way I was feeling was justified. I needed to hear that just because I didn't get to formally say goodbye I was not a bad person. Once I really owned the way I was feeling and told DH the ways in which I needed him to support me things got SO much better.

I don't want to say that I know exactly what you're going through but I've been in a similar situation (and I also struggle with depression on a frequent basis) so please feel free to reach out to me if you ever just need someone to talk to.

jodegaard · November 2013

Thanks for the update! You and your beautiful family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya!

amaite · November 2013

I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time, and I too hope tomorrow is a better day for you and your family. I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better about things than you were this morning, and it sounds like counseling will be a step in the right direction.

melmarie26 · November 2013

I love you, GWP !!!

That is all.

melmarie26 · November 2013

And the babies say, "Hiiiii !!!"

poppyseed1017 · November 2013

GWP, I'm so sorry all of this is going on. I'm glad to read your update and that you and your H were able to talk and gain some clarity. I hope counseling goes well and that things continue to improve. Kudos to you for being honest with your husband and yourself. That's a huge step!

gollywollypog · November 2013

@purrcrasher and @nobadwriting, thanks so much for sharing that. It helps to know I'm not the only one and really helps put things into perspective for me. I know she is in heaven now. It's a really helpless, floundering feeling to not be able to go to a funeral. My H explained what was going on to everyone at the service and everyone understood. Except his step mom, who claimed that if I really wanted to be there I would have made it happen.

I need help to deal with her, too. I have hate in my heart for her and that is NOT the person I want to be. She also, right after Emery was born, told people I must have been molested when I was a kid (pure speculation and gossip), when she felt I was being too protective of Avalin.

NeneCakies · November 2013

I'm sorry you're dealing with this but sounds like you recognize the issue and are getting a handle on it, which is an important and difficult first step (I also have some personal experience with this). It's so hard to articulate feelings to another person but keep doing it!

As for the toxic step mom in law, I'll hate her for you. I know that accomplishes nothing but it couldn't hurt to put a little extra karmic mojo in the universe! I've survived toxic family and really all you can do is limit contact and get to a point where you realize their bullshit stems from a deep personal problem and has little to do with reality (especially their perception of you). You, GWP, have good karma and better days await you. Hugs.

rainedrops117 · November 2013

GWP I'm late to the thread but just wanted to say I'm glad to see your update and that things are on the mend. So happy you and DH were able to have a meaningful heart to heart and you had a release of emotion, and more importantly his shoulder to lean on during your time of heartache. You're such a sweet soul and hate to see good ppl hurting. We're here for you. T&Ps. Keep your chin up.

WhtRssnGrl · November 2013

I'm so late to this post, but I wanted to say I'm so glad you talked with your husband and that you feel better. You are one of the kindest people on this board and I hate to see you suffer.

CourtneyEeps · November 2013

Big hugs, girl. DH and I have also been disconnected so I feel that struggle. I'm glad you were able to sit down and tell him how you feel. Sometimes, just that is enough to start healing a wound in marriage. Thinking of you!

BluepointToasted · November 2013

Glad to see your update! Thinking of you

MoFree · November 2013

I'm also late in responding. I am glad you and YH had a heart to heart. Best wishes finding a counselor you are comfortable with. I don't know of anyone who would not benefit from a trusted, competent therapist.

Tapthathank · November 2013

Oh hugs to you! I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I'm glad that you and DH were able to have a really deep conversation. Marriage is so, so hard. Just know that you are not alone. I hope that going to counseling helps you talk through your issues! Keep your chin up girl - you will get through this!

Want a personalized experience?

sometimes being a mom sucks. UPDATE

Re: sometimes being a mom sucks. UPDATE

Choose Another Board

Search Boards