Question regarding my DH

Shannonlt · November 2013

How many of you ladies have a DH that is a single female friend that you aren't close to?

If your DH became friends with a single female would you be concerned?

I have been with my DH for 11 years and have never had ANY reason to not trust him. He has had some problems adjusting to parenthood and we are working throught that and other marriage issues. He's never cheated, ever! He says I have nothing to worry about and that if I want to talk to the female friend I can. He always tells me when he goes out with her and where they are going. I get invited if they go out in the evening and if i can't make it for whatever reason or just don't want to he always tells me where they start off and the next day he tells me where they went. He always comes home.

the other night he came home from being out at a Halloween party with her and he came to wake me up to say that he missed me being out with him and that he wished I was there.

Confused.....just a little. Do I have anything to worry about?

Shannonlt · November 2013

She used to work with him about 3 years ago for like 4 months but they were more co-workers than anything else. He just recently started to socialize with her, more so since her friend (girl) left for another location.

ashiscute · November 2013

How frequently are they hanging out? Are they hanging out in a group or always 1 on 1? I don't know that you have anything to worry about but I would definitely be upset if it were me. Especially since you mentioned he was having problems adjusting to parenthood and you are working on other marriage issues.

kalette · November 2013

I would be upset.

ec0983 · November 2013

this would not be okay with me. it's good that he's being open about it, but a married man hanging out alone with a woman who isn't his wife on a regular basis is never a good idea, whatever his intentions start out as.

BP607 · November 2013

This would not be ok with me as PP said, he may have not started out with any bad intentions, but this just seems odd.

jennyelf · November 2013

I have male friends that I hang out with sometimes one on one, so I don't really consider this weird. DH doesn't have many female friends, so I don't have any experience from the other side. In any case, I believe it is completely possible to have friends of the opposite sex without it being anything else.

traveltheworld · November 2013

I have quite a number of male ex-colleagues that I still talk to often. However, we just get together for coffee and lunch. Sometimes we'd go for a weekday brunch. I almost never hang out alone with any of my guy friends at night. If we do go out at night, the spouses come along.

Shannonlt · November 2013

They generally hang out once a week and most of the time its by themselves but normally at the same location everytime.

FemShep · November 2013

Until I met DH, my best friend for 20 years was a guy. Our friendship outlasted many, many romantic relationships (including two marriages), and we never ever crossed any boundaries. So I'm not immediately suspicious.

I would, however, think about single guy friends I could fix her up with.

I'd also make sure my DH always made date night with me his first priority.

Shannonlt · November 2013

femshep - but when you met him was he single? this is my thing is that I know NOTHING about this girl and I can't trust her for that reason. we've been out as a group a few time and never got a great read off of her. I'm trying to trust that this is only platonic I'm still having a hard time believing that this is just a harmless friendship.

smileybabyboy · November 2013

jennyelf said:

I have male friends that I hang out with sometimes one on one, so I don't really consider this weird. DH doesn't have many female friends, so I don't have any experience from the other side. In any case, I believe it is completely possible to have friends of the opposite sex without it being anything else.

This is also my situation...

DawnLilly · November 2013

Shannonlt said:
She used to work with him about 3 years ago for like 4 months but they were more co-workers than anything else. He just recently started to socialize with her, more so since her friend (girl) left for another location.

Her friend that was a female that left or are you certain that it wasn't her girl friend? This whole scenario changes if she's gay. I'm not saying opposite sexes with opposite orientations can't be friends but if this were the case you wouldn't have to wonder about whether or not it was platonic at all.

Shannonlt · November 2013

just a regular "friend" not gay. Oh and I'm certain. I've seen this girl in action at the bar...... no comment.

Shannonlt · November 2013

He works a very nutty schedule so I get out with him as often as I can baring I can find a sitter on VERY short notice

traveltheworld · November 2013

Oh I'd also be curious as to why your DH likes hanging out with her. Have you asked your DH what he is getting out of the relationship? Quite a few of my male friends are in the same industry as I and I like hanging out with them because I like to talk about geeky, lawyer-ly stuff that no one else would care about. Similarly, DH is really into politics and has a female friend that works at a consulting/lobbying firm that he sees on a semi-regular basis so that they can vent about all the stupid things that the government is doing - their discussions are very technical and I frequently try to avoid being there so that I don't fall asleep while listening to the two of them talk. If it's nothing like that, then I guess I don't really see why he needs to hang out with her that much.

Shannonlt · November 2013

they like the same stuff that I find frankly stupid, it's not business or work related just common interests.

drunkindonuts · November 2013

DH and I have been together for 9 years and he wouldn't do this, nor would I feel comfortable with it. All of our free time is spent in each others company (with dd). We like being stuffed up each other's butts

LyndseylovesHugh · November 2013

One of my H's best friends is a girl, and one of my best friends is a guy, we both hang out with these people alone. But, we were friends with these people before we knew each other, most of the time when we go out we do so as couples and when we hang out with our friends without our spouses it is usually to do things that the other does not like. For example, my H likes to snowboard, as does his female friend, but I do not, so a few times a year he will go with her locally. So hanging out with someone of the opposite sex does not bother me, but I still find it odd that he sees her so often without you. Even though I love his friend I still would not like it if he started going out at night to bars with her on a weekly basis without me.

dufferoo · November 2013

I don't know you or the situation, but just from reading this theead, it sounds like the friendship is likely innocuous on your DH's end, but it still seems a little disrespectful to you, especially if she's the type you've "seen in action at the bar"! Could you maybe talk to your husband from the angle that you trust him but you kind if feel like their relationship is dishonoring yours? I had a close male friend from the time I was 2 years old, but once we both got married, I think it went without saying that we would respect the intimacy of each others' relationships and go out of our way to not encroach. We still talk or facebook occasionally when, say, an old inside joke pops up or something, but we don't hang out one-on-one anymore. It just doesn't feel right.

Shannonlt · November 2013

We've had MANY LONG conversations about this situation. Even last night we had a short one. You are right jociejones, I don't trust her, I'd like to eventually and DH knows that but not at this stage I can't.

What are your ladies thoughts on talking to her? Do you think that if she is wanting more than she would feel empowered or that she has the upper hand?

acbfreire · November 2013

Cut it off before it turns into something. I would not feel comfortable with it. If they were old friends it would be a different scenario.

dufferoo · November 2013

Shannonlt said:

We've had MANY LONG conversations about this situation. Even last night we had a short one. You are right jociejones, I don't trust her, I'd like to eventually and DH knows that but not at this stage I can't.
What are your ladies thoughts on talking to her? Do you think that if she is wanting more than she would feel empowered or that she has the upper hand?

No way, man, I wouldn't do that. This is an issue between your husband and you. He's the one who owes you the respect, not she.

cattynine · November 2013

I agree with the other posts about the fact that its a weekly thing being too often.

If you don't get to go because you don't have a sitter, then why does DH get to go out weekly without you? I go out with girlfriends occasionally and DH stays home with DD, but for the two of them to be going out solo because you have to stay home with your kid, that sounds pretty shitty on his part.

meglette417 · November 2013

Whole thing is weird, he shouldn't be going out that much without you. Once in a while is fine but the 1 on 1 thing is strange as well. I had some guy friends from work but like a PP said, we did lunch during work nothing alone. I love my DH and being around him, it would not be ok. If it was a friend from before we knew each other I can see but how much did they know each other even when they worked together if it was for 4 months?

JenLy2012 · November 2013

I see both sides to this situation. If you trust your husband then there shouldn't be an issue but at the same time I would feel uneasy about someone new in their life. It's different if this was an old friendship. I would just let him know you are somewhat uncomfortable about it and he should respect that.

ExcitedMum2B · November 2013

Shannonlt said:

We've had MANY LONG conversations about this situation. Even last night we had a short one. You are right jociejones, I don't trust her, I'd like to eventually and DH knows that but not at this stage I can't.
What are your ladies thoughts on talking to her? Do you think that if she is wanting more than she would feel empowered or that she has the upper hand?

I think if you have had MANY LONG conversations about this, and he's still going out with her and sees nothing wrong with it, you need to evaluate how that makes you feel and where your feelings fall in his priority list.

LyndseylovesHugh · November 2013

Shannonlt said:

We've had MANY LONG conversations about this situation. Even last night we had a short one. You are right jociejones, I don't trust her, I'd like to eventually and DH knows that but not at this stage I can't.
What are your ladies thoughts on talking to her? Do you think that if she is wanting more than she would feel empowered or that she has the upper hand?

This is a bigger red flag to me than him just having a female friend. If you are having an issue with this situation he needs to respect that, end of discussion. When my H and I were dating there was a girl in one of his college classes that I did not trust, I trusted him but not her and I only needed to tell him that once, he no longer hung out with her after that. Your H continuing to hang out with her week after week is extremely disrespectful to you and he should have stopped after the first time you brought it up. So unless you are the type of person that complains about every single person he hangs out with he has no reason not to just go with your gut instinct on this.

ttimmerman · November 2013

Absolutely not. There is no way I would be ok with this and I think you are being too trusting and naive. I'm sorry. You sound like a nice person and it sounds like your H is taking advantage of that.

Shannonlt · November 2013

He listens and tries to understand my point of view and he has changed some of the other issues in our marriage. He insists that he gets everything he needs from me and that it's his friendships, which he has few of, that are lacking. On a good note, if I can find a babysitter, we are going out tonight.

Shannonlt · November 2013

I have a Babysitter!! Yay!

LittleApple · November 2013

There is no reason for them to be hanging out together alone without you. Playing with fire.

allardr · November 2013

It's great your DH is honest but I wouldn't be ok with this. Group things totally. I played in a slow pitch softball league with guys & girls without DH, never an issue. But alone once a week, Dh & I don't even get out that often. One-on-one with single woman weekly is just weird IMO. I think if DH would like to go out it should depend on both of you finding a sitter and going together. If no sitter then he should tell her sorry but no sitter was available. I mean going to a Halloween party without you but with her, totally wrong picture.

Even if it starts out platonic I'd just worry that it can grow to more with such regular contact especially if she's single & you two are having a rough period. I'd never talk to her about it, totally between you and DH.

girley75 · November 2013

Wow, this would SO not fly in my marriage! Nip it in the bud quickly....

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