First post here, honest opinions please (sorry long)

ILoveBoys · November 2013

Hi, I have never posted here although my oldest is from a boyfriend in college.

A short backstory: Accidentally got pg, he then decided he couldn't be with me anymore. He saw DS1 at 4 mos old, called me that night to say he would give me $ until I found someone and then he would happily sign over his rights (which he did, checking the box that gives DS permission to contact him at 18) (He had a stepfather who didn't want anything to do with anyone but the mom). I married DH when DS was 14 mos. (We'd dated as teens and known each other 6 yrs)

FF.....we live in the same city but never see each other. My mom works in NICU and called yesterday to let me know that his wife (knew he was married) had a baby and it was in their unit. And he apparently has a 4 yo with her, and she has a child 3 yrs older than my DS.

I don't have feelings for him but this rocked me. I feel like he threw me away bc of ME. He chose to marry someone who already had a child, and then have 2 more with her. After telling me he didn't know f he could ever love a child and so he didn't want to see him.

Also now there's half-siblings involved and if he can't contact BF until he's 18, those two others will be 14 and 10.

What do I do? Anything? DS doesn't know anything about this man. Not bc I'm hiding it but I don't think he's old enough to understand given that this man isn't in his life.

+just+j+ · November 2013

You do nothing. Your mother violated the HIPAA privacy law. Deal with your rejection and privacy and stick to the agreement.

sweetwalks · November 2013

Your mother violated a major law. Unfortunately, nothing you can do.

Wahoo · November 2013

I know that you are hurting, but you need to put your hurt aside.

If I am reading your post correctly, your DS is 8. That means four years passed between his birth and the birth of ex's child with his wife. 4 years is a HUGE amount of time when you are in your teens / 20's. You can change so much, from not being ready for a family to being ready.

Also, you might just not have been the right fit for your ex. You said your pregnancy was accidental, so you need to remember that just because two people have a child together does not mean that they are right for each other. If you ex recognized that you were not "the one," he did you (and DS) a favor by not marrying you. You deserved someone who loved you completely, and if your ex did not feel that way, letting you go to find someone who did (your H), was the right thing to do.

ILoveBoys · November 2013

@wahoo he was 28 when this happened. And had already asked my dad's permission to marry me. DOESNT CHANGE A THING. Just wanted to provide info.

+just+j+ · November 2013

If your son is 8, you have waited long enough. You need to start the process of telling him. Any longer, you are going to have a serious issue on your hands with him trusting you.

Ditto Wahoo on him doing you a favor. Deal with the emotions, move on, and tell your son.

twister22 · November 2013

I would start being honest with your son NOW. Honesty is the best policy, and every situation I have been around the kid is MUCH happier & WAY better adjusted if they grow up just knowing, and it's not a secret. If they grow up knowing it's their normal, and doesn't have to be some big reveal later down the road. Seriously, be honest with your son now.

You say you and BD live in the same town? If you needed to get in contact with him, would you be able to? I would just be honest with your son (leave out the sibling part since you technically shouldn't know that.) If your son has questions, answer them. If your son wants to try to meet his BD, go from there.

ILoveBoys · November 2013

@twister22 - I could for now. He works at the same place as my parents (big hospital, different departments) if he ever changed jobs, I would not know how to contact him.

Sigir · November 2013

Wahoo said:

I know that you are hurting, but you need to put your hurt aside.

If I am reading your post correctly, your DS is 8. That means four years passed between his birth and the birth of ex's child with his wife. 4 years is a HUGE amount of time when you are in your teens / 20's. You can change so much, from not being ready for a family to being ready.

Also, you might just not have been the right fit for your ex. You said your pregnancy was accidental, so you need to remember that just because two people have a child together does not mean that they are right for each other. If you ex recognized that you were not "the one," he did you (and DS) a favor by not marrying you. You deserved someone who loved you completely, and if your ex did not feel that way, letting you go to find someone who did (your H), was the right thing to do.

ITA. When I first read your post I thought you were saying that he already had a child that he hid from you, then knocked you up and left you (for some reason I could not get the ages from what was posted- maybe pregnancy brain?) in that case yes, I would be hurt... but if he got you pregnant and then had a child 4 years later? 4 years is a LONG time. People def mature in 4 years... and he did you a favor. He was just not that into you. It may have been a blow but try to forget it and move on. And be honest w your son, in an age-appropriate way.

twister22 · November 2013

Do you plan to be honest with your son now? I really and truly think this is the right move. He has the right to know that DH is his adopted father, and that is has a biologically father out there. He may not even care. He may look at you funny and know that DH is his dad and that's all that matters. He may care a little and want to know some details. He may care a lot and want to try to meet BD.

I can tell you tons of scenarios, but here's 2:

1) A friend of mine was adopted by her SF when she was 1.5. She has no recollection of her BD, and doesn't even care. She has never asked for any details. When asked why, she says "I wasn't important enough to him so why should he be important to me?" She literally does not care at all, doesn't even care what his name is. And her mom has always been honest with her.

2) Someone else I know (my cousin's wife's sister's son... further removed but I've met my cousin's wife's sister and her son several times) was adopted by his SF, but grew up believing it was his biological father. The SF entered his life when he was months old, and ended up adopting him when he was 3. This guy had a great upbringing, everything was great. He finds out when he was 19 that he was adopted, and he was absolutely pissed that he had been lied to all this time. He went off and found BD, and now he LIVES WITH THE BD, AND WON'T TALK TO HIS MOM OR SF. He has completely cut them out of his life because he is so pissed. This was six years ago, and while he has come around some, it's not the same. He still lives in the same down as the BD, while his mom & SF are several states away. He'll visit them maybe twice a year to see his siblings, but he calls the SF by his first name, even though he grew up with him as his dad. He always spends the holidays with his BD, not his mom & SF.

Obviously there's a million different ways things can go, and that's just one extreme for being honest from the get go, and one extreme from not being honest until the kid's an adult.

ILoveBoys · November 2013

Oh wow @twister22 thanks for sharing. I know a counselor that deals with blended families. I'm probably going to give her a call and see if she has any advice on how I should handle this. That's probably really why I've avoided it. There's no roadmap, and I don't want to say the wrong thing.

twister22 · November 2013

It's definitely a sticky situation. I think talking to a BF counselor is a great idea.

ldmessing · November 2013

Your mother should be fired from her job

ILoveBoys · November 2013

Thank you ladies.

emme022 · November 2013

Something else to think about is that if your son and his half siblings are 4 and 8 years apart then, depending on how your jr high/high school system is set up your son may end up in school with/meeting his older half sibling. If he finds out after the fact he may be angry.

randomsalpal · November 2013

What's done is done, what has been said has been said. Yes, what your mother did was not right, but you can't change the past. All you can do is to take what you know and do nothing or do something. Only you can make that call. Sometimes we have to just listen to our gut. I think you already know what that is. Chances are, maybe he regrets the decsion he made and chances are, he does not. You have to do what gives you peace of mind as a mother, as well as what is in the best interest of your DS. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Nineoceans · November 2013

+just+j+ said:
If your son is 8, you have waited long enough. You need to start the process of telling him. Any longer, you are going to have a serious issue on your hands with him trusting you.
Ditto Wahoo on him doing you a favor. Deal with the emotions, move on, and tell your son.

I totally agree and ditto what wahoo said a child doesn't create a relationship or commitment if it wasn't there before

Lavender P · November 2013

ILoveBoys said:
Oh wow @twister22 thanks for sharing. I know a counselor that deals with blended families. I'm probably going to give her a call and see if she has any advice on how I should handle this. That's probably really why I've avoided it. There's no roadmap, and I don't want to say the wrong thing.

I know everyone has pretty much covered this but I will add my $.02. My DH's mom didn't tell him he was adopted by his SF until he was 16, and she only old him because she had to when he was applying for his DL. He always knew something was off but never knew the details. He was very resentful that she lied to him and had so many issues trusting women because of it. He is now much closer with his BD then the man that raised him. There might not be a roadmap or the right words, but it is a million times better then not saying anything. His BM said she never found the right time to tell him because there is no 'right' time.

Also, if you are truly happy with your DH, then why does it matter what your X is doing or had more kids? My X and I dated for almost 10 years and broke up because he wasn't ready for marriage. I just found out he is now married with a baby on the way. It is by no means a reflection of me or my relationship with him. I'm so glad we broke up because I have my amazing husband and my DS. I think you need to do some soul searching as to why it bothers you so much or talk to someone about it.

ream02 · November 2013

From personal experience your son is old enough to know this now so you can start helping him cope. I was 8 when I found out my SD was not my father. I found out by accident and was the only one in our family who didn't know. Even my cousins my age knew.

Let's just say, I was happy to find out my rotten SD wasn't my real dad. Disappointed that I'd been abandoned by my real dad but he had many issues and felt I was better off with this family life that SD promised but did not deliver.

Other's are right. Your ex did you a favor and has had time to grow. But you need to tell your son. He has a right to know.

And also like others said, your mom committed a major HIPPA violation so if you were to contact your ex, your mother could risk serious consequences.

ILoveBoys · November 2013

Thank you ladies.

Lavender P said:

I know everyone has pretty much covered this but I will add my $.02. My DH's mom didn't tell him he was adopted by his SF until he was 16, and she only old him because she had to when he was applying for his DL. He always knew something was off but never knew the details. He was very resentful that she lied to him and had so many issues trusting women because of it. He is now much closer with his BD then the man that raised him. There might not be a roadmap or the right words, but it is a million times better then not saying anything. His BM said she never found the right time to tell him because there is no 'right' time. Also, if you are truly happy with your DH, then why does it matter what your X is doing or had more kids? My X and I dated for almost 10 years and broke up because he wasn't ready for marriage. I just found out he is now married with a baby on the way. It is by no means a reflection of me or my relationship with him. I'm so glad we broke up because I have my amazing husband and my DS. I think you need to do some soul searching as to why it bothers you so much or talk to someone about it.

Probably because I buried my head in the sand about it when it was happening and then just moved on, never truly processing the way I felt at THAT time. I have no desire to contact him, truly. I can't begin to imagine what my life would be like without DH and my kids, they're my world.

Muffins_Mom · November 2013

I agree you need to tell your son. Your mother likely violated HIPAA and, as such, may be subject to criminal and civil penalties. She may also be subject to termination of employment. Entities covered by HIPAA don't play with stuff like this.

Ilumine · November 2013

Honest to God, if I knew where the OP lived, I would have notified the hospital about the HIPAA violation.

More so, because the OP has not ONCE acknowledged that what her mother did was wrong and that she will discuss this with her mom and ensure that her mother does not violate the FEDERALLY PROTECTED PRIVACY of this other woman, who had/has nothing to do with the OP's situation.

Do I sound a bit bitchy, you betcaha. Not only was this a violation of this poor woman, but the OPs Mother just purposefully screwed with the OP's life in a most deliberate manner. There is no way the OP's mother did not know that this would cause consternation for her daughter, but she purposefully chose to break a federal law that could AND SHOULD get her fired just to let her daughter know something that would both hurt her and not make a smattering of difference since the OP agreed to letting this man off the hook years and years ago.

Yes OP. For whatever reason, the BD did not want to have a child with you. And yes OP that hurts (I know, I have been there). But in the end YOU made the choice to let him out of your son's life. So while you should let your son know he is adopted, you have to stop this ruminating over something that is over.

I highly suggest getting some therapy for yourself, to help you process this before you let your son know. And then, maybe some family counseling to help your son process this. Because there is no way that HIS feelings will not be influenced by your (that would be OP and her family) feelings on this matter.

ILoveBoys · November 2013

@Ilumine - sorry. This was XP on parenting and we talked about my moms actions over there.

Yes. I did tell her she shouldn't have told me. For various reasons. The biggest being that it was illegal. I used to work in healthcare and know extensively about HIPAA.

As I said earlier I plan to see a counselor and begin the conversation with my son.

Thank you all for your responses.

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