Thoughts on revealing the gender....

kara222 · November 2013

I had a friend who recently hosted a shower for one of her friends (their first child). There were 40 people that attended, and the only person to get her anything off of her registry list was my friend. That's it. The rest got her clothes and toys.

I definitely don't want this happening to me, so I'm thinking of keeping the gender a secret (just telling our family) until he/she is born. Thoughts concerning this? Pros? Cons? I know people will get clothes despite whether it's a girl or boy, but it's my first child, and if people are willing to buy presents I'd like them to get me things I truly need instead of clothes and toys (I know they're needed, too).

Anyone else struggle with this with their own kids or other people you've known?

Unknown · November 2013

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owlcup · November 2013

I have to agree with PPs who stated it's kind of shitty to not tell people specifically so they will hopefully only purchase off your registry. Let's face it, picking out cute outfits is a lot more fun than buying nipple cream.

They are coming to celebrate you and your new baby and have the right to bring or not bring you anything. Showers are not about presents, they are about celebrating.

If you get things you didn't want, return them and get what you did want.

wtfisup · November 2013

I think it's totally fine to not want people to shop off registry. I'm a really practical person and I hate excess; if folks get me stuff I don't need, I'll end up donating or returning it. Most of my friends are in the exact same boat, though, and we know as much of each other.

Yes, it's the job of parents to provide for their kid, but, while it varies by region and culture, in most places, the goal of the shower is to assist with those provisions. I know when I lived in a small town in the south, people used showers as reasons to buy cute things. I live in a city now and the expectation is always to buy useful things from the registry or give a gift card. I appreciate the utilitarian approach much more. We always give one small gift from the registry + a gift card when we go to showers.

You might consider just making it easy to access the registries and listing that info with the invite -- that's what everyone does here. (Again, this varies by subculture: in my small town, showers were more of a word-of-mouth deal and whoever wanted to come, came.)

kara222 · November 2013

I didn't realize I could return gifts. Thanks for the advice girls!

wtfisup · November 2013

kara222 said:

I didn't realize I could return gifts. Thanks for the advice girls!

You can return lots. We did with our wedding. (One aunt gave us several giant, heavy, not at all useful cut glass platters. What do people do with those?) Some places will give you store credit, which is fine. Target will let you return anything on the registry, which is one reason some people suggest creating huge registries (i.e. so at least you can return stuff to get diapers).

kara222 · November 2013

wtfisup said:

kara222 said:

I didn't realize I could return gifts. Thanks for the advice girls!

You can return lots. We did with our wedding. (One aunt gave us several giant, heavy, not at all useful cut glass platters. What do people do with those?) Some places will give you store credit, which is fine. Target will let you return anything on the registry, which is one reason some people suggest creating huge registries (i.e. so at least you can return stuff to get diapers).

What if I get a lot of clothes though, without the receipt and they're not on my registry?

wtfisup · November 2013

If they have tags and you know where they're from, you should be able to return them for at least a gift card. It can depend on the store. Some stores only allow $100 of stuff without a receipt to be returned annually, for instance.

wtfisup · November 2013

Guys, I don't think the OP is implying that it's the job of people attending her shower to take care of her kid. That's not even implied. She just stated a preference, and it's one a lot of folks are fine with. No need for interwebs brawls.

But registries exist and are popular for a reason. It's fine to want useful things. It's fine to get not useful things.

wtfisup · November 2013

Joy2611 said:

kara222 said:

and if people are willing to buy presents I'd like them to get me things I truly need instead of clothes and toys

@wtfisup

She's saying that she wants her shower people to buy the stuff her child NEEDS. Right there.

EDIT: If your post history is correct, you're new around these parts. We brawl all the time. We point out selfishness and not well thought out parts of everyone's posts. It's what we do.

Look, there's a different between these two sentences:

"I expect people to buy things the baby needs." <-- sucky, entitled

"I want people to buy things the baby needs." <-- just stating a preference, that's all

Pretty sure there are plenty of new and not-new folks who don't see internet brawling as a valuable use of time. It's okay to exchange ideas, stay impersonal, and be civil. Any forum deals with multiple expectations: some people want A, some want B. The balance is just in not imposing.

mtrhomegirl · November 2013

i will just be grateful for the people that decide to throw me a shower and for the gifts we get for the baby....yup you are going to have to buy stuff for your own child but think of the shower and those gifts as added bonus'!!!! Last time i checked your child will need clothes and in the first few months of life they go through quite a few outfits a day!!

wtfisup · November 2013

Just a note on clothes: I asked my mom and grandma, who both troll thrift stores quite a bit, to stock up on used goods as much as possible instead of getting me any fancy gift. And, man, they've scored: one of the stores they go to does "everything you can fit in a grocery bag for a $1" day. A DOLLAR. FOR LIKE TWENTY PIECES.

On the phone the other night, my mom was like, "I've got enough stuff you can just take the clothes off and toss them in the trash. You don't even need to do laundry." (Please note that I have no intentions of throwing away good clothes; I'd at least wash and donate something I didn't need.) But I'm really excited about spending money on more permanent things.

If they weren't so excited to buy stuff, I'd take the same approach: used and cheap.

momthatlifts · November 2013

Well I think regardless of knowing the gender or not people are going to get you what they want to get you. I made my registry with all the things I will need and will get. If someone gets me something from my registry it's a bonus and it will be something I am going to need, gender aside. And I will add like amber0389 said, your registry is a wish list. Do I expect anyone to buy me the extremely comfy rocker for $500 ? Absolutely not. But I registered it dreaming of a day.

Edit: added wording

kara222 · November 2013

I totally understand all of your comments. I understand that people do not have to give me a shower, they do not have to buy me presents and I should and will be grateful for any presents received. I was just simply surprised about how many people didn't buy off of the registry. I'm not dumb; I know it's my responsibility to buy the things my child will need. If I came off as selfish in my first post I truly did not mean to.

However, I think there are nicer ways to state your opinion than some of these girls did here, but that's their personality and not mine.

hfooter · November 2013

I suggested this idea to my DH and he was like "that's manipulative and selfish..." I said, "yes it is

prob not the best idea." LOL, thank god my DH can put my selfish ass back in my place!

Unknown · November 2013

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kara222 · November 2013

Bliss+Berry said:

kara222 said:

I totally understand all of your comments. I understand that people do not have to give me a shower, they do not have to buy me presents and I should and will be grateful for any presents received. I was just simply surprised about how many people didn't buy off of the registry. I'm not dumb; I know it's my responsibility to buy the things my child will need. If I came off as selfish in my first post I truly did not mean to.
However, I think there are nicer ways to state your opinion than some of these girls did here, but that's their personality and not mine.

If you're looking for people to sugar coat their responses to you, you're in the wrong place.

Sugar coating and stating an opinion in a polite way are two different things.

Unknown · November 2013

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wtfisup · November 2013

Bliss+Berry said:

kara222 said:

I totally understand all of your comments. I understand that people do not have to give me a shower, they do not have to buy me presents and I should and will be grateful for any presents received. I was just simply surprised about how many people didn't buy off of the registry. I'm not dumb; I know it's my responsibility to buy the things my child will need. If I came off as selfish in my first post I truly did not mean to.
However, I think there are nicer ways to state your opinion than some of these girls did here, but that's their personality and not mine.

If you're looking for people to sugar coat their responses to you, you're in the wrong place.

But what about just being civil? Like, "Nah, I don't like that." Sans name calling?

laleighmoore · November 2013

Wow... mean girls flashbacks to mistakenly posting about a HM registry years ago.

I would rather wait to reveal the baby's gender at the shower just so it could be part of the games, and yes in this case, we will be HOPING for useful items but heck, I always do! I hate wasteful frilly stuff, I dont get obsessions with brand names, and as far as clothes go I dont know anyone that ever NEEDED that because there are always people offering BAGS of their used clothes and the "deal" is half the excitement for me in my own purchases. My friends and family know this, I wont have to ASK or remind them that money saved is half the excitement for me - especially when its a gift I am receiving. I like knowing they saved money as much as I like knowing I did.

But personally, as the gift giver, I have been offended far more often by the outrageous things on a registry than a request for cash. Only briefly, as I know it is not my business, so I usually end up going with a gift card and/or handmade gift such as a diaper cake. Registries leave so much room for items to actually be missed that you REALLY need so I like to think the gift cards help fill those gaps. For instance, we couldn't afford the $375 bedding set a friend registered for recently, so we went with a $100 gift card. They were able to return a few of the not needed items & combine it with our giftcard to get the big ticket item they had wanted to splurge on.

wtfisup · November 2013

laleighmoore said:

Wow... mean girls flashbacks to mistakenly posting about a HM registry years ago.

I would rather wait to reveal the baby's gender at the shower just so it could be part of the games, and yes in this case, we will be HOPING for useful items but heck, I always do! I hate wasteful frilly stuff, I dont get obsessions with brand names, and as far as clothes go I dont know anyone that ever NEEDED that because there are always people offering BAGS of their used clothes and the "deal" is half the excitement for me in my own purchases. My friends and family know this, I wont have to ASK or remind them that money saved is half the excitement for me - especially when its a gift I am receiving. I like knowing they saved money as much as I like knowing I did.

But personally, as the gift giver, I have been offended far more often by the outrageous things on a registry than a request for cash. Only briefly, as I know it is not my business, so I usually end up going with a gift card and/or handmade gift such as a diaper cake. Registries leave so much room for items to actually be missed that you REALLY need so I like to think the gift cards help fill those gaps. For instance, we couldn't afford the $375 bedding set a friend registered for recently, so we went with a $100 gift card. They were able to return a few of the not needed items & combine it with our giftcard to get the big ticket item they had wanted to splurge on.

I like the idea of announcing it at the shower. That sounds fun, but low-key (not like the gender reveal parties where you've assembled a bunch of folks JUST for that news).

Unknown · November 2013

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kara222 · November 2013

wtfisup said:

laleighmoore said:

Wow... mean girls flashbacks to mistakenly posting about a HM registry years ago.

I would rather wait to reveal the baby's gender at the shower just so it could be part of the games, and yes in this case, we will be HOPING for useful items but heck, I always do! I hate wasteful frilly stuff, I dont get obsessions with brand names, and as far as clothes go I dont know anyone that ever NEEDED that because there are always people offering BAGS of their used clothes and the "deal" is half the excitement for me in my own purchases. My friends and family know this, I wont have to ASK or remind them that money saved is half the excitement for me - especially when its a gift I am receiving. I like knowing they saved money as much as I like knowing I did.

But personally, as the gift giver, I have been offended far more often by the outrageous things on a registry than a request for cash. Only briefly, as I know it is not my business, so I usually end up going with a gift card and/or handmade gift such as a diaper cake. Registries leave so much room for items to actually be missed that you REALLY need so I like to think the gift cards help fill those gaps. For instance, we couldn't afford the $375 bedding set a friend registered for recently, so we went with a $100 gift card. They were able to return a few of the not needed items & combine it with our giftcard to get the big ticket item they had wanted to splurge on.

I like the idea of announcing it at the shower. That sounds fun, but low-key (not like the gender reveal parties where you've assembled a bunch of folks JUST for that news).

Awesome idea to reveal at the shower!! Thanks!

wtfisup · November 2013

@Bliss+Berry: you just said no one was being mean and called her ridiculous in the same sentence. It's definitely not kindness.

Unknown · November 2013

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wtfisup · November 2013

Bliss+Berry said:

wtfisup said:

Bliss+Berry said:

kara222 said:

I totally understand all of your comments. I understand that people do not have to give me a shower, they do not have to buy me presents and I should and will be grateful for any presents received. I was just simply surprised about how many people didn't buy off of the registry. I'm not dumb; I know it's my responsibility to buy the things my child will need. If I came off as selfish in my first post I truly did not mean to.
However, I think there are nicer ways to state your opinion than some of these girls did here, but that's their personality and not mine.

If you're looking for people to sugar coat their responses to you, you're in the wrong place.

But what about just being civil? Like, "Nah, I don't like that." Sans name calling?

There was no name calling. I was civil, I explained why I don't agree with her post. Just because you don't like what I said because I disagreed doesn't make it not civil. FWIW, talking about a cats anus doesn't exactly count for civil if you're going to go pointing fingers (the "Wine" post). So, do you want to be the pot or the kettle?

Sigh. The internet.

laleighmoore · November 2013

@Bliss+Berry :

My mean girls comment is actually related to this article I heard about recently:

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/mean-girls-scientists-say-women-have-evolved-to-be-indirectly-aggressive-8908954.html

No I am not offended by anyone asking for help EVER no matter how they word it. I feel compassion for people in need, I feel honored to help. And I also have complete distaste for the politically correct, and social traditions. For this reason, I do not exercise either nor do I expect anyone else to. Its all about the individual and their circumstances.

momthatlifts · November 2013

OP don't want you to feel like we are being mean. But what the PPS have said couldn't be more true. Before reading others posts the first thing came to my mind was that you sounded selfish. There is no other way to put it. I just can't imagine someone being so picky about a GIFT

wtfisup · November 2013

I feel compassion for people in need, I feel honored to help.

I think this is important: lots of folks have kids and need help, and hopefully no one intends to make someone feel bad for that. Well said.

sschwege · November 2013

So you are wondering if it would be OK to withhold information from your nearest and dearest for the sole purpose of manipulating how they spend their money on a heartfelt gift for you? With friends like that...

kara222 · November 2013

I never meant for this to get out of hand. Wish I could delete the post, but can't. I realize how selfish I sounded but I did not intend for it to come out that way. I was just surprised and didn't know if this was a normal incidence or not.

SecondTimeinMSU · November 2013

I just wanted to jump in on a different thought if you are concerned about getting the things you need. You should look for local mom to mom sales, craiglist and garage sales. It is amazing the deals you can get. I bought a jumperoo which I had skipped initially thinking they were pricey for $10 at a garage sale. A lot of baby gear is barely used so great deals on stuff can be found. It doesn't have to cost a fortune to get the gear you need. Oh and my best shower gift was off the registry, a friend's mom made us a knit blanket, DS sleeps cuddled up with it every night so keep an open mind. I really want one for the new baby but I am pretty sure they cost a fortune to have made.

shellbell9482 · November 2013

I'm seeing both sides to this - This is baby #4 for me (I know there are 2 in my pic, first one past at 10 weeks old), but I've never had a legitimate baby shower. I had a small one with a few of my friends, which was still awesome.

It's YOUR choice who you want to reveal the gender of YOUR child to. But, it's also the GUEST'S choice to choose their baby shower gift for you. Registries are ONLY a suggestion, saying "Hey, it would be GREAT if you could get this." You can put something on the invite where you're registered in HOPES they will shop there and go off your registry, just don't get poopy when you don't receive everything you want/need off that list, but instead end up getting 15 packages of newborn sized diapers (which, trust me, will come in handy!)

What I'm trying to say here is ultimately, it's your choice if you want to reveal the gender to your baby shower attendees. However, I don't think any of us should look at a gift for more than it is - A GIFT!

Good luck!

kara222 · November 2013

shellbell9482 said:

I'm seeing both sides to this - This is baby #4 for me (I know there are 2 in my pic, first one past at 10 weeks old), but I've never had a legitimate baby shower. I had a small one with a few of my friends, which was still awesome.

It's YOUR choice who you want to reveal the gender of YOUR child to. But, it's also the GUEST'S choice to choose their baby shower gift for you. Registries are ONLY a suggestion, saying "Hey, it would be GREAT if you could get this." You can put something on the invite where you're registered in HOPES they will shop there and go off your registry, just don't get poopy when you don't receive everything you want/need off that list, but instead end up getting 15 packages of newborn sized diapers (which, trust me, will come in handy!)

What I'm trying to say here is ultimately, it's your choice if you want to reveal the gender to your baby shower attendees. However, I don't think any of us should look at a gift for more than it is - A GIFT!

Good luck!

Awesome. Love it and agree! Thanks!

MissLadyTay · November 2013

We were Team Green the first time because we wanted to be. An unexpected result was that yes, people stuck to the registry and we received no clothing but lots of "gear." I would never find out and keep it a secret to try to achieve this result but I think people stay away from clothes more when you are Team Green.

argonne · November 2013

I like any gift I get, from the registry or not. In fact, I think it's more fun to get things that aren't on your registry that show your friends' tastes.

sschwege · November 2013

argonne said:

I like any gift I get, from the registry or not. In fact, I think it's more fun to get things that aren't on your registry that show your friends' tastes.

That and sometimes it's something you didn't realize you even 'needed'. We had friends who gave us a Woombie as a shower gift (it's a swaddling thing). Anyway that thing was a miracle, DD used to wake up every 1hr and 15 minutes, the first time I tried it out she slept 4 hours the second night 6. I would have lost my mind had it not been for the Woombie, best gift ever and not on our registry, had never even heard of it!

aeh72 · November 2013

I can't even go there on the expectation that people buy you things you need for your child - okay, I can. Items truly needed should be bought by the parents-to-be.

A few other thoughts on this issue:

1) people (other moms in particular) may buy you things you did not register for but that they found particularly useful when they had a new baby. Rely on and appreciate their experience and knowledge.

2) a lot of people at my shower bought me outfits for the baby that I did not register for. not revealing the sex ahead of time (which is perfectly fine) will pretty much guarantee you lots of yellow and green and other gender neutral clothing, which I don't think is a big deal but in case you care, you'll be returning things.

3) not everyone can afford to shop your registry. I know that some of the outfits I received were probably bought on sale at stores where I did not register or at places like TJ Maxx/Marshalls where you can get nice gifts for low prices. People may feel more comfortable spending $10 on an outfit that may look like it cost $20 versus buying you one $10 item off your registry. Be respectful of that.

4) just be grateful for whatever people choose to give you

ETA - edited for clarity

shellbell9482 · November 2013

Darbie914 said:

shellbell9482 said:

I'm seeing both sides to this - This is baby #4 for me (I know there are 2 in my pic, first one past at 10 weeks old), but I've never had a legitimate baby shower. I had a small one with a few of my friends, which was still awesome.

It's YOUR choice who you want to reveal the gender of YOUR child to. But, it's also the GUEST'S choice to choose their baby shower gift for you. Registries are ONLY a suggestion, saying "Hey, it would be GREAT if you could get this." You can put something on the invite where you're registered in HOPES they will shop there and go off your registry, just don't get poopy when you don't receive everything you want/need off that list, but instead end up getting 15 packages of newborn sized diapers (which, trust me, will come in handy!)

What I'm trying to say here is ultimately, it's your choice if you want to reveal the gender to your baby shower attendees. However, I don't think any of us should look at a gift for more than it is - A GIFT!

Good luck!

I'm confused- what is a legitimate shower?

More than 3 friends lol and while pregnant with the games and such. Mine was just like a "welcome baby into the world party" but my husband at the time was military and only time we could get home was WELL after baby was born.

MMason12 · November 2013

JKBMA2014 said:

Well I think regardless of knowing the gender or not people are going to get you what they want to get you. I made my registry with all the things I will need and will get. If someone gets me something from my registry it's a bonus and it will be something I am going to need, gender aside. And I will add like amber0389 said, your registry is a wish list. Do I expect anyone to buy me the extremely comfy rocker for $500 ? Absolutely not. But I registered it dreaming of a day. Edit: added wording

I 100% agree and will be doing this with all of our larger items. I do not expect a single one of them to actually be purchased; however, by having them on the registry we will get to use the completion coupon when we go to purchase them.

First Time in MI said:

I just wanted to jump in on a different thought if you are concerned about getting the things you need. You should look for local mom to mom sales, craiglist and garage sales. It is amazing the deals you can get. I bought a jumperoo which I had skipped initially thinking they were pricey for $10 at a garage sale. A lot of baby gear is barely used so great deals on stuff can be found. It doesn't have to cost a fortune to get the gear you need. Oh and my best shower gift was off the registry, a friend's mom made us a knit blanket, DS sleeps cuddled up with it every night so keep an open mind. I really want one for the new baby but I am pretty sure they cost a fortune to have made.

I found a ton of maternity clothes in amazing -- almost new condition -- on Craig's List and at a few Mom-to-Mom sales. I also found a treasure chest of children's books to use in stocking the baby's library at Mom-to-Mom sales for 95% less than buying them new. Let's not even get into the amount of barely used or new clothing I have been able to buy for pennies on the dollar. Plus there is always larger "needed" items at sales like that. Having a baby doesn't mean you have to pay sticker price for everything. I know some people are just dead set against their child having to use anything "used" and not "new" but if you really shop around you can find items that you would have no clue they were used if they were wrapped and packaged in a box.

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