Momzilla

Julili · November 2013

I need someone to talk me down. Do I need to chill, or does it sound like she's really trying to hurt my feelings?

My mom is planning my baby shower. I did not ask her to do it, but when she offered, I just couldn't say no. It would break her heart. I am her only daughter, and she never got to throw me a bridal shower or help plan my wedding because I went to the JOP, which could be why both of us are getting so worked up over things.

Anyway, she asked me what kind of filling I want in my cake, and I went on and on about how I'll never forget my brother's wedding cake because it had one layer with buttercream and sliced strawberries and one layer with strawberries blended into the buttercream. I seriously loved this cake. Actually, I'm generally crazy for strawberries when it comes to cake, which is well-known in the family. I think of it as a near-universally-loved flavor, so I was sure it would please the guests. Strawberries also work very well with the theme of the shower, which is basically a watercolor red heart (off of the invitations).

When I finished my spiel, my mom immediately said, "No, we can't do strawberry because I'm allergic." My internal reaction was, "Are you kidding me?" I no longer live near her, but when I did, I saw this woman eat strawberries all of the time. She does get a pimple when she eats them, but it doesn't ruin her life, and again, she eats them whenever she feels like it. What I said was, "Really? You wouldn't get it because of that? You eat strawberries all of the time." And really, I tried to sound as calm as possible because I wanted to get my way rather than start a fight. We discussed it for a moment, but because it was getting adversarial, I asked her to just think it over.

So is my mom just being selfish because she holds the power of the purse? Does it sound like she is being malicious? Or contrary? Or am I being a momzilla? TIA.

rainydayluck · November 2013

Why don't you just buy the cake for yourself for your birthday or something? Just let her plan it, I guess I just don't see why the cake is such a big deal. Then again, not sure why she would ask if she was going to do her own thing anyway.

Julili · November 2013

Julili · November 2013

rainydayluck said:

Why don't you just buy the cake for yourself for your birthday or something? Just let her plan it, I guess I just don't see why the cake is such a big deal. Then again, not sure why she would ask if she was going to do her own thing anyway.

Honestly, the cake flavor is not a big deal. I would never have given it a second thought had she not asked for my opinion. I was just kind of hurt by her asking me, listening to me get all excited about what I wanted, and then making it about her.

24karat · November 2013

Julili said:

I need someone to talk me down. Do I need to chill, or does it sound like she's really trying to hurt my feelings?

My mom is planning my baby shower. I did not ask her to do it, but when she offered, I just couldn't say no. It would break her heart. I am her only daughter, and she never got to throw me a bridal shower or help plan my wedding because I went to the JOP, which could be why both of us are getting so worked up over things.

Anyway, she asked me what kind of filling I want in my cake, and I went on and on about how I'll never forget my brother's wedding cake because it had one layer with buttercream and sliced strawberries and one layer with strawberries blended into the buttercream. I seriously loved this cake. Actually, I'm generally crazy for strawberries when it comes to cake, which is well-known in the family. I think of it as a near-universally-loved flavor, so I was sure it would please the guests. Strawberries also work very well with the theme of the shower, which is basically a watercolor red heart (off of the invitations).

When I finished my spiel, my mom immediately said, "No, we can't do strawberry because I'm allergic." My internal reaction was, "Are you kidding me?" I no longer live near her, but when I did, I saw this woman eat strawberries all of the time. She does get a pimple when she eats them, but it doesn't ruin her life, and again, she eats them whenever she feels like it. What I said was, "Really? You wouldn't get it because of that? You eat strawberries all of the time." And really, I tried to sound as calm as possible because I wanted to get my way rather than start a fight. We discussed it for a moment, but because it was getting adversarial, I asked her to just think it over.

So is my mom just being selfish because she holds the power of the purse? Does it sound like she is being malicious? Or contrary? Or am I being a momzilla? TIA.

Not trying to sound mean, but yes...you definitely need to chill. If you said exactly what you typed in the OP, I can't think of a way where that comes across as calm and not momzilla-ish. Heck, a shower is a lot of work (and money) for the hostess to put together and it is a gift to you so how is this selfish and malicious? Selfish and malicious would be asking if you had dietary restrictions with the pregnancy, then purposely only putting that sort of stuff you're restricted from on the menu.

I can see why you want what you do, but it's not too terribly unreasonable for her to decline your request for strawberries if she's truly allergic. Maybe you guys could compromise with different cake layers/fillings so she's not excluded? Allergies can develop over time so it's entirely possible that she has become allergic, or at least extra sensitive, to them. Is she actually making the cake? Because in that case it really makes sense why she wouldn't want to do strawberries.

Julili · November 2013

kjkarats03 said:
Not trying to sound mean, but yes...you definitely need to chill. If you said exactly what you typed in the OP, I can't think of a way where that comes across as calm and not momzilla-ish. Heck, a shower is a lot of work (and money) for the hostess to put together and it is a gift to you so how is this selfish and malicious? Selfish and malicious would be asking if you had dietary restrictions with the pregnancy, then purposely only putting that sort of stuff you're restricted from on the menu.

I can see why you want what you do, but it's not too terribly unreasonable for her to decline your request for strawberries if she's truly allergic. Maybe you guys could compromise with different cake layers/fillings so she's not excluded? Allergies can develop over time so it's entirely possible that she has become allergic, or at least extra sensitive, to them. Is she actually making the cake? Because in that case it really makes sense why she wouldn't want to do strawberries.

OK, it's not impossible for someone to throw you a party while making selfish decisions about said party or acting maliciously toward you. And I don't think it has to be so blatant as to try to poison you or your unborn child.
At its core, I think my mom's refusal to go along was selfish (Whom else in the party would be affected? Do we ask the whole guest list about their mild allergies that they ignore half of the time?), but I don't think that necessarily means it was completely baseless.
Although my mom hasn't taken her reaction (which has not changed. I know because I talk to her almost daily.) very seriously in the past, I guess I shouldn't deny her the opportunity to change her behavior surrounding the treatment of a legitimate health issue. It's just not the compassionate or loving thing to do.
Thanks for your comment! Helped me think it through!

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

Well, did it have to be the exact one your brother had for his wedding ? If so, that might get pricey. Maybe she doesn't want to spend that much on a cake and thought you would have just said something simple like vanilla or chocolate.

Julili · November 2013

Disneygeek77 said:

Well, did it have to be the exact one your brother had for his wedding ? If so, that might get pricey. Maybe she doesn't want to spend that much on a cake and thought you would have just said something simple like vanilla or chocolate.

No, not at all. Actually, she suggested going to a bakery. When she did, I said we could go homemade because of the expense and that I would actually like it if she, a friend, or a family member made the cake. She said we had to "do it right" and that it must be a professional cake. I don't really know, but I imagine that strawberries are pretty standard for bakery cakes.

I wish I didn't have to be involved in planning this. She keeps asking me what I want and asking for opinions on things she shows me, and we're just not seeing eye to eye. I tried to tell her I didn't want to be involved a few days ago, and she started crying. I think it's important to her that we do this together.

ktpaladino · November 2013

You do know that the whole cake doesn't have to have strawberry in it right? If you're special ordering it from a bakery they can make it however you want... Get half with berries and half without. Or a strawberry layer and a chocolate layer (or whatever she wants) The flavor of the cake is not something to get all worked up over, but I realize the pregnancy hormones are going to make it feel like it a big deal and that the issue seems a little deeper than a cake flavor. I don't really understand why she would bother asking you what you wanted if she wasn't going to listen to your request, but that's besides the point. She's planning the shower so just let her do what she's going to do. If either you or her don't eat any cake that day, it's not going to be the end of the world.

Unknown · November 2013

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awc1986 · November 2013

somerandomchick said:

I think its way overkill to say she's being selfish and not being compassionate or loving. She's throwing you a party. The hostess gets to plan everything and she's totally within her rights to order food that she wants to eat! No you're not going to make a cake that you're sure no guests are allergic to but she's the HOST. If I was planning someone's party I'd probably try to order food that I could actually eat. You sound selfish. Just chill! It's just a cake! Get a strawberry cake some other time.

Sorry, but this.

Tally06 · November 2013

It's just a cake. In the grand scheme of things, this is minuscule and won't make you enjoy your shower less. I would let it go.

daigs001 · November 2013

I personally think your mom is being the selfish one here, but unless there is some unknown aggravating factor, I would just let it go. My MIL does this kind of stuff all the time where she will ask you what you want and then tell you how what you want isn't a good choice and just go ahead and do what she wanted to begin with. Even if she did what your mother did, I would just let it go as there is a lot of comfort in being the bigger person.

zou bisou · November 2013

Now I'm hungry for cake.

OP, it would've been more gracious if your mom had backed down and prioritized your craving for strawberry cake. And it would've been more gracious if you had enthusiastically accepted all the effort she's making without making a fuss about cake flavors. It sounds like you guys have a similar personality and it causes friction now and then. There's a lesson to be learned here and it has nothing to do with cake.

clo1982 · November 2013

Is this really a post about how someone is selfish because of cake filling? I figured I must have missed the true point because that can't be it.

theseaword · November 2013

clo1982 said:
Is this really a post about how someone is selfish because of cake filling? I figured I must have missed the true point because that can't be it.

I think there's context here regarding the mothers personality that we 're missing. It sounds like the OP has the type of mother who makes things about herself and OP is worried about being let down (by her mother, not by the party itself).

Empireceo · November 2013

For the love of God. First. World. Problems.

clo1982 · November 2013

TwilightMV said:

Is this really a post about how someone is selfish because of cake filling? I figured I must have missed the true point because that can't be it.
I think there's context here regarding the mothers personality that we 're missing. It sounds like the OP has the type of mother who makes things about herself and OP is worried about being let down (by her mother, not by the party itself).

Perhaps, but holy he** pick your battles! It's cake filling for crying out loud! Buy a strawberry cupcake and call it a day.

dragossoul84 · November 2013

Showers are gifts. To be pissed off because you arent getting your way on one aspect of this gift is zilla-ish. Just relax if you want that kind of cake so bad order one to enjoy yourself at home

RibbitGrl930 · November 2013

Cake is probably the greatest food invented ever. That said, it sounds like you're looking for something to be upset about. I'd let this one go.

Giraffealaff · November 2013

Julili said:

Disneygeek77 said:

Well, did it have to be the exact one your brother had for his wedding ? If so, that might get pricey. Maybe she doesn't want to spend that much on a cake and thought you would have just said something simple like vanilla or chocolate.

No, not at all. Actually, she suggested going to a bakery. When she did, I said we could go homemade because of the expense and that I would actually like it if she, a friend, or a family member made the cake. She said we had to "do it right" and that it must be a professional cake. I don't really know, but I imagine that strawberries are pretty standard for bakery cakes.

I wish I didn't have to be involved in planning this. She keeps asking me what I want and asking for opinions on things she shows me, and we're just not seeing eye to eye. I tried to tell her I didn't want to be involved a few days ago, and she started crying. I think it's important to her that we do this together.

In this case, I would pretty much nod and agree with what you feel she is wanting to go with. Yes, it is YOUR party, however she is graciously throwing it for you, and really that means she gets to throw it how she wants and you get to just be thankful for it.

I know it's frustrating that she wants you involved but everything seems to turn into a fight. When you told her you didn't want to be involved how did you tell her? Was it something along the lines of, "Hey mom, I really trust your judgement a lot, and I know the shower will be amazing. I would prefer if you don't mind, to be surprised by what you are doing with it, because I feel it will be more enjoyable for both of us" If not, I would try presenting it like that, because I feel it might go along way with her.

SparkySharky · November 2013

Yes, you need to chill out but don't worry about it. You're pregnant and it's these moments that ultimately result in you appreciating even more the people who tolerate you. It's relationship-building. >:D<

But, dude. Get cupcakes or two small cakes. Half with strawberry/buttercream and half whatever keeps your mom's skin clear.

SparkySharky · November 2013

>:D<

Very disappointed my emoticon didn't work!

IBackBevo · November 2013

Maybe she saw how excited you got and is going to surprise you? Honestly, I was posting on here asking about feeling like I'm being the world's biggest b*tch all the time. I no longer feel like the world's biggest b*tch.

IBackBevo · November 2013

And if it makes you feel any better, my half-senial mother put the wrong time on half the shower invitations and the correct time on the other half...so half of my shower guests showed up two hours early.

Unknown · November 2013

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IBackBevo · November 2013

Bliss+Berry said:

IBackBevo said:

Maybe she saw how excited you got and is going to surprise you? Honestly, I was posting on here asking about feeling like I'm being the world's biggest b*tch all the time. I no longer feel like the world's biggest b*tch.

Meh. I think you (and quite a few other posters) are being way harsh here. I mean, it's not like the OP was demanding that kind of cake. Her mom asked her specifically what kind of filling she wanted. I mean, I've thrown plenty of showers and I happen to love chocolate raspberry filling, but the party isn't about me, it's about the guest of honor and if I knew she loved a particular cake filling, that's what I would get even if I was allergic. I wouldn't ask for input and then shut it down the way her mother is doing.

Eh. Maybe. Maybe not. It is hard to know without knowing more about the dynamics of the relationship I suppose. But, in general, if someone is throwing you a party and spending their own money on it and investing time into planning it, I think the appropriate response is just to be grateful and go along with whatever they want to do...even if they ask you and then don't seem to like your response, I think the thing to do is just go along with it. Plus, I think having an argument with one of your loved ones over the filling of a cake is about the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I have an unreasonable mother, too. I have to let her have her way on even "big" things all.the.time. But I also know she won't be around for forever...some things just aren't worth getting into a disagreement over.

bellc1980 · November 2013

Strawberries yuck lol!

k1dub · November 2013

First, I have read somewhere that adults can develop allergies later in life.

However, I'd suggest gently to mom that if she's offering you a favor and won't let you pick the flavor at your own baby shower, maybe she should help out elsewhere and you'll take care of the cake.

Or even better, tell her she has free reign to do whatever the hell she wants because you want to be surprised. You can always have a separate party with your girlfriends or none at all. If someone's throwing a party for me that I didn't ask for, I trust them to know me well enough to handle all the details.

SoulTermination · November 2013

Maybe I'm an oddball here, but if I'm going to spend my time and money to throw somebody a party... I'm doing to do my damndest to make sure it's a party they love. Otherwise, what's the friggin' point? It's a party for them, not for me. I'd want them to have the cake they want, the decorations they want, all of that (provided it's not outlandishly outside of my budget). I don't think I could ever ask someone what kind of cake they wanted for a party I'm throwing for THEM and then immediately stomp their idea into the ground. Alter it a bit if it's too expensive, yes, but I'd try to get them what they wanted or as close as possible. *shrug*

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