To speak up or not...

jamiegrenz · November 2013

Quick backstory... XH and I divorced amicably and coparented really well for our son's sake. Last year he got a gf, she said "I think its great you guys get along and I would never try to interfere". Fast forward and BAM, she tells XH he can't be friends with me or my DH and we can no longer do things together as we had been like LO's birthday party or trick or treating etc.
Needless to say, she has caused lots of issues...

Well, here's my new issue. XH knows where I stand on his insecure gf... and his gf has a son who she barely has 25% custody of and hasn't had custody of since he was a baby. Anyway... so she says we have to do everything separate because "she wants her own family with XH and LO". BUT THEN... XH and LO go trick or treating with her, her son, her son's dad, his wife and their new baby. How is it ok for her to coparent and do stuff amicably with her baby daddy but my XH and I can't?

I called XH on this and asked if they all went together, he said yes. I said "Isn't that hypocritical?". He sheepishly agreed and said yes and then proceeded to tell me that this is between his gf and I and he doesn't want a part in it. He said "I have tried to explain your side to her and I get nowhere so I don't want to be involved".

MAN UP! It is YOUR problem because its YOUR gf who is being a hypocrite and unreasonable. I don't like my XH. I didn't like him long before we got a divorce. I am remarried and we are having our own child. I'M NOT AFTER YOUR DAMN BF!!!!!!

I'm annoyed with the whole situation and don't know if I should call her out on the hypocrisy or just keep my damn mouth shut. When do I finally quit being walked all over so as to "not make waves"?

mccall0113 · November 2013

IMO don't waste time or effort on thing you can't change

+just+j+ · November 2013

Your XH is a flipping idiot and needs to deal with his GF. I would not speak with her. While he may not want to "get in the middle" and you may not do much together as parents because of her insecurity, I would only talk with him in regards to your child. With the way she is acting....I don't anticipate her lasting.

Nineoceans · November 2013

Do you WANT to spend more time with this girl? Because the side you are fighting "for" would be to get more family time with her....(?!)

I would say better them than us who get to spend quality time with this nutcase

Littlejen22 · November 2013

If it is important to you I eouldncalmly try again and this time I would approach it from the fact that until recently the two of you were able to co-parent pretty well which was very beneficial to your son. I would remind him you do not care if you are around him but that your son is the one that would gain by this and therefore this is not an issue between his GF and you. I would flat out point out that him and his son are losing important time and memories because his girlfriend is insecure and that this is the last time you are mentioning it but that if she already has him giving up time it will only get worse but you thought he was a better Dad than to give up these moments. Then you have to move on and accept that he might slowly back out. Sad that you want to co-parent as a big family and so does he but he would let her stop it.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

wendilea said:

I'm all for coparenting when it can happen properly. But these big, blended, including the ex in everything ideals only happen on TV or in movies. You need to concentrate on what you can do for your son while he's with you, and not worry about what ex does/doesn't do. Would you really have been happy trick or treating with ex, his GF, her ex, her ex's wife, and their new baby? What about Christmas? Are you going to forgo seeing your family/doing your traditions just so you can go be one big dysfunctional family?

I get that in an ideal world there would be no blending and kids wouldn't have to deal with 2 homes. In reality, you have to move on with your own life and accept that LO is not getting more or less, it's just different.

The bolded basically sums up life as a blended family.

Does it suck that the GF is incredibly insecure and is no longer "allowing" BD to co-parent with you? Yes. But what really sucks is that BD is allowing this to happen. She's not handcuffing him and dragging him to these things with her ex and her child, BD is willingly going along with it. There's nothing to call her out on. This is a problem with BD. He's a grown man and can speak up for himself.

Lavender P · November 2013

This is really an issue for your X and his GF. I get that things were fine until she showed up, but that is his relationship with her. If he chooses to be with someone who is telling him he can't do certain things and is hypocritical then that is his choice. They get to decide the dynamics of their relationship and it is XH's choice on whether he goes TOT with her X and not his. Is it crappy that you want to do that with him and your child, but she is preventing it? Sure, but calling her out on it isn't going to do anything but make it worse. She will see that as you feeling threatened or still have feelings for him, he will still claim it's not his problem and you look silly for arguing with idiots. It will make future events even more difficult to work together.

Also, I'm not sure how it is that you think you are getting walked on. Are you upset for your child because you think that he is missing out by not TOT with you all together or are you mad that your XH is doing what his GF wants instead of what you want? I do understand that it sucks things have gotten worse instead of better and that you want what's best for your child. However, I really don't think your child will be scarred for life if he can't TOT with everyone as a big happy family. Families change and situations change. As long as you set a good example and start some new traditions your child will be happy spending time with each of you, even if it isn't together.

jamiegrenz · November 2013

Thank you all for your responses.
I think overall I was just upset with the hypocrisy. How someone can make such a HUGE DEAL about keeping everything separate and then go and do the opposite. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

It also boggles my mind how XH seems to have lost his balls despite being the biggest ass hole to most people. Seriously, mind boggling.

I'm not going to say anything. I already said something to him. I think in the end, however long that road may be, he will see her for what kind of person she truly is.

DH and I will just continue to be the best parents we can be to LO and our new LO on the way.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

jamiegrenz said:

Thank you all for your responses.
I think overall I was just upset with the hypocrisy. How someone can make such a HUGE DEAL about keeping everything separate and then go and do the opposite.

It also boggles my mind how XH seems to have lost his balls despite being the biggest ass hole to most people. Seriously, mind boggling.

I'm not going to say anything. I already said something to him. I think in the end, however long that road may be, he will see her for what kind of person she truly is.

DH and I will just continue to be the best parents we can be to LO and our new LO on the way.

Have you considered that maybe BD doesn't want to do joint activities with you and your DH, and the new GF is giving him an excuse not to? I'm not saying that you or your DH are bad people or have been forcing BD to do joint activities. I'm just saying that in my situation, DH was frequently doing joint things with BM and K because he felt like he had to. Once we were dating and things got serious and we were doing things with my kiddos as well, he finally had the "out" he had been looking for (if that makes sense).

KTdidit · November 2013

Sometimes people take the easy way out. Maybe doing all those things together with your and your DH was the easy way for BD to spend time with his son, while having you do all the planning/scheduling/etc. It was easier to go along with things the way they were. Now that the GF is around she is doing all of that. So maybe what you thought was XH doing a fantastic job co-parenting, was really just XH being lazy. And now he is being spineless. Just a thought.

ream02 · November 2013

While doing things together for the sake of the kids works for some, doing things separately isn't all that bad.

I like the responses that insinuate that maybe XH doesn't really want to do the co-parenting to the degree of doing everything together and is spineless and likes to point blame. I've done both, together and separate activities and I can say I prefer the separate things. It's way less uncomfortable and less confusing and honestly, X is in front of our names for a reason. We can co-parent without doing everything together.

It got real for me that DD didn't understand us not being together when DD told me she wished I could live with X and his wife so we could all live together too. I asked what about BF now DH. She said he could stay at his own place. This was when she was 5. lol This is when I decided that we could still be great parents without being too involved together and it would be less confusing for DD if she realized our lives were separate but she was still very much loved. It's been fine since because we agree on scheduling most things.

nattyncbride · November 2013

jobalchak said:
Have you considered that maybe BD doesn't want to do joint activities with you and your DH, and the new GF is giving him an excuse not to? I'm not saying that you or your DH are bad people or have been forcing BD to do joint activities. I'm just saying that in my situation, DH was frequently doing joint things with BM and K because he felt like he had to. Once we were dating and things got serious and we were doing things with my kiddos as well, he finally had the "out" he had been looking for (if that makes sense).

I know you will continue to to do what's best for LO. And I also think it's great that at one time, you were easily able to do things as a unit. I can totally see the hypocrisy of excluding you, but including her family.

However, his time is his time. I remember you posting before about making all the arrangements for DS, even on BD's days b/c that was just how you did it. It's possible that he's now questioning his role or ownership of his time with his son. Yes, that might be due to GF chirping in his ear; nonetheless, this might be his really sloppy way of putting boundaries up. I agree that saying "this is btw you and my GF" is cowardly!

I also offer a perspective close to @jobalchak, though not as straight forward. SO and exW did a lot with their son as a unit before I started dating him. I will admit, I was jealous (not cool, I know) and wondered how long they were going to play family. I questioned a few things, and he didn't spend any less time with his DS, but he definitely spent less time with exW during his time. He went from letting her come over anytime she wanted to hang with their DS to saying no. He also went from doing things with her and her extended family to doing things with me/my DS/our friends, both during his time and not (she had some social expectation that he would attend her family events even when he didn't have his DS). She was pretty upset, livid at times, and would enlist their DS to persuade him otherwise. The latter part was crappy, but I don't blame her for being upset; it was a huge change in her lifestyle. She had a boyfriend the whole time, and clearly he didn't mind, but I didn't see how we would work if she was over at his house or expecting him to be at her family events, or even at times expecting to be part of our plans. And there were times that I questioned things they did do together that I should not have questioned (I had to own that), and he put me in my place during those times, saying 'It's necessary for us to be there with DS, I'm sorry you are upset, but get over it'.

It was not completely smooth; there were times where I overstepped my bounds, and times when he should have been more firm with her (my first post here was asking for advice b/c I wanted him to say something to her when she flirted w/ him over text and in person, when he would rather show his disinterest by ignoring her advances). But as time went on, we worked it/are working on it. However, I'm sure to her it just looks like some jealous GF telling him to stop spending time with her, to the detriment of their DS.

So it's possible there's a lot going on. I am sorry it's a change for you. And I think both BD and his GF are handling it poorly. That said, I wonder if some of the barriers that are up might be healthy, and would have eventually come up with any relationship.

Sigir · November 2013

nattyncbride said:

jobalchak said:
Have you considered that maybe BD doesn't want to do joint activities with you and your DH, and the new GF is giving him an excuse not to? I'm not saying that you or your DH are bad people or have been forcing BD to do joint activities. I'm just saying that in my situation, DH was frequently doing joint things with BM and K because he felt like he had to. Once we were dating and things got serious and we were doing things with my kiddos as well, he finally had the "out" he had been looking for (if that makes sense).

I know you will continue to to do what's best for LO. And I also think it's great that at one time, you were easily able to do things as a unit. I can totally see the hypocrisy of excluding you, but including her family.

However, his time is his time. I remember you posting before about making all the arrangements for DS, even on BD's days b/c that was just how you did it. It's possible that he's now questioning his role or ownership of his time with his son. Yes, that might be due to GF chirping in his ear; nonetheless, this might be his really sloppy way of putting boundaries up. I agree that saying "this is btw you and my GF" is cowardly!

I also offer a perspective close to @jobalchak, though not as straight forward. SO and exW did a lot with their son as a unit before I started dating him. I will admit, I was jealous (not cool, I know) and wondered how long they were going to play family. I questioned a few things, and he didn't spend any less time with his DS, but he definitely spent less time with exW during his time. He went from letting her come over anytime she wanted to hang with their DS to saying no. He also went from doing things with her and her extended family to doing things with me/my DS/our friends, both during his time and not (she had some social expectation that he would attend her family events even when he didn't have his DS). She was pretty upset, livid at times, and would enlist their DS to persuade him otherwise. The latter part was crappy, but I don't blame her for being upset; it was a huge change in her lifestyle. She had a boyfriend the whole time, and clearly he didn't mind, but I didn't see how we would work if she was over at his house or expecting him to be at her family events, or even at times expecting to be part of our plans. And there were times that I questioned things they did do together that I should not have questioned (I had to own that), and he put me in my place during those times, saying 'It's necessary for us to be there with DS, I'm sorry you are upset, but get over it'.

It was not completely smooth; there were times where I overstepped my bounds, and times when he should have been more firm with her (my first post here was asking for advice b/c I wanted him to say something to her when she flirted w/ him over text and in person, when he would rather show his disinterest by ignoring her advances). But as time went on, we worked it/are working on it. However, I'm sure to her it just looks like some jealous GF telling him to stop spending time with her, to the detriment of their DS.

So it's possible there's a lot going on. I am sorry it's a change for you.

And I think both BD and his GF are handling it poorly. That said, I wonder if some of the barriers that are up might be healthy, and would have eventually come up with any relationship.

Wow I am super impressed w your honesty, ownership of the process bumps and all, and the reality of the situation. Bravo to you- so impressed! Bc these situations are complicated.

When I think back on my separation, divorce, recovery etc, I remember all the mixed emotions and changes that occurred over those years. At first my exh too wanted to do things together, as did I.... It kept a little normalcy during a very tumltous time. Over time, as I became more independent really, we had more disagreement and this togetherness ended. I think that this seperation of the houses is a normal, healthy part of the divorce process that takes time. I know you are remarried and expecting, so you have been apart for a long time, but there is no exact timetable for this. Maybe she is just a catalyst for it.

I agree w others that the big happy blended family is a myth or at least very rare, and your ds won't be harmed by separation as long as you can still coparent civilly. So just let it go as frustrating as it is. I know it seems like a double standard but you don't know the background... Since she has so little custody maybe she can only see her child on holidays if the father tags along. You don't know the background and it is out of your control, so let it go.

sweetie0228 · November 2013

jamiegrenz said:

... and his gf has a son who she barely has 25% custody of and hasn't had custody of since he was a baby. Anyway... so she says we have to do everything separate because "she wants her own family with XH and LO".

I agree w/ Job and NattyNCBride.

But this part sticks in my crawl...She wants to play house w/ OP's son b/c she's not allowed to have her own child.

I would want to know some more specifics of WHY she doesn't have more custody or if she even has any unsupervised vistation of her child.

While there could be a perfectly reasonable explaination for this situation. And I'm not a BM only custody at all, I'm more of best living situation with as much parental involvement style. The 25% custody and from this post seems to only be able to see her child when the his father is there....she sounds more like she's Pamalacakes' BM and the OP is the ex of Pamalacakes' BM's BF. Except there are some details that are different....why can't she be unsupervised around her own child but can be around yours.

nattyncbride · November 2013

@Sigir: Thank you for your kind words. But it's definitely still a work in progress. We just started couples' counselling, which is great, but that should indicate we are clearly far from having figured it out!

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