I need Advice

jasminelorraine20 · November 2013

I have an older brother and he has my only niece. Since she's been born (Jan.1,2010), I've gotten her something for every Christmas and Birthday- even just because gifts at times. I'm a proud Aunt, I wouldn't have it any other way. FF to 2012, when I have my first child and making big brother a first-time uncle. He bought DS's stroller as a baby shower gift in May of last year. However, his first Christmas has passed and first birthday- he received nothing from him. Now, it's coming upon another Christmas and I've already asked big brother for a list of my niece's wants. However, he hasn't asked about my LO. We have a pretty good relationship, so I don't know how to go about this. Big brother has a great job as a Corrections Officer at Riker's Island in NYC and lives with his Mom- he looks out for his GF's son and God-sons, ect. So I know money isn't an issue. Do I just leave it alone like I did last year, and not say anything? Or should I casually mention some things that DS may like? I was thinking of saying, "Do you plan on getting your nephew anything?" I really don't know what actions I should take and any advice would be helpful.

jasminelorraine20 · November 2013

Nicb13 said:

Absolutely not. You can't hint at someone to buy your child something. Christmas and birthday gifts aren't mandatory and although it's crappy of him to not get your child anything, you can't ask him to. No, no, no.

I just figured since it's my brother the rules would be a little different but I see what you're saying. I will leave it how it is then. Thank you.

mamaHippo23 · November 2013

I would only say something if you are prepared for it to possibly negatively impact your relationship w/ your brother. He may not react well and it could definitely cause some tension that would be difficult to overcome.

Personally, I would just leave it alone. I don't think it's worth mentioning, in the big picture of life/family/happiness this is a very small transgression. Maybe reframe the way you're looking at the whole gift-giving concept. You still love your niece and want to give her something. Pick out a simple gift for her that she will enjoy, but not so expensive that you will be upset about not getting something in return.

jasminelorraine20 · November 2013

mamaHippo23 said:

I would only say something if you are prepared for it to possibly negatively impact your relationship w/ your brother. He may not react well and it could definitely cause some tension that would be difficult to overcome.

Personally, I would just leave it alone. I don't think it's worth mentioning, in the big picture of life/family/happiness this is a very small transgression. Maybe reframe the way you're looking at the whole gift-giving concept. You still love your niece and want to give her something. Pick out a simple gift for her that she will enjoy, but not so expensive that you will be upset about not getting something in return.

I see where you're coming from. I was never stingy with my niece's gifts or the price of them, and I won't be now or in the future regardless of what big brother does or doesn't do. When I do my holiday budget, she along with my BF's daughter are factored in with DS. Thank you for the advice.

mypeanut22 · November 2013

Let me start off by saying your little boy is adorable! Ok, now my opinion on your ?.I would not bring it up that you are unhappy he is not buying gifts for you ds. I think it might just cause a bigger problem and like pp said its not mandatory to give gifts, its a nice thing to do but not mandatory. I would still continue to give his LO presents because its not her fault that her dad is a butthead!

aeh72 · November 2013

I'd be a little bummed too if I were you, but I wouldn't bring it up. My SIL used to send us lists of things to get her daughter for Christmas or birthdays (she wouldn't even give us the chance to ask, which we would have). I don't think her intentions were to be greedy (nor do I think yours are) but something about it just always bugged me.

jasminelorraine20 · November 2013

mypeanut22 said:

Let me start off by saying your little boy is adorable! Ok, now my opinion on your ?.I would not bring it up that you are unhappy he is not buying gifts for you ds. I think it might just cause a bigger problem and like pp said its not mandatory to give gifts, its a nice thing to do but not mandatory. I would still continue to give his LO presents because its not her fault that her dad is a butthead!

I agree with all of this! I won't mention it and I will definitely continue to do for my niece. Thank you on the compliment to DS too!

jasminelorraine20 · November 2013

Nicb13 said:

I wasn't trying to be rude. My brother wants nothing to do with myself or my son so maybe I'm a little jaded but just wanted to give my input. Don't let it get you down.

I didn't think you were rude at all, thank you for your input.

jnnfrrose6 · November 2013

I guess I'm going to be the special snowflake on this one. It would upset me if my brother didn't get something for my DS, whether or not I had been getting gifts for his child already. I would probably find some indirect way of asking about it, though. Perhaps asking what he was thinking about getting for DS because you didn't want to duplicate a gift from Santa. I also think it depends on your relationship with your brother too. I would have no problem telling my brother I was upset he seemed to be "forgetting" my son by not getting him anything.

jasminelorraine20 · November 2013

jnnfrrose6 said:

I guess I'm going to be the special snowflake on this one. It would upset me if my brother didn't get something for my DS, whether or not I had been getting gifts for his child already. I would probably find some indirect way of asking about it, though. Perhaps asking what he was thinking about getting for DS because you didn't want to duplicate a gift from Santa. I also think it depends on your relationship with your brother too. I would have no problem telling my brother I was upset he seemed to be "forgetting" my son by not getting him anything.

We have the kind of relationship where I know I can be straightforward with him. He didn't call, buy a card, or acknowledge DS's first birthday and I told him how I felt and he apologized and said that he never wants me to feel like he doesn't care about his nephew. If I decide to say anything, I would probably word it exactly like you said.

traveltheworld · November 2013

I second the advice that you probably shouldn't say anything. I know how you feel though! It does suck. No one in DH's family ever buys DS anything - I find that extremely odd and frankly a little rude. But we don't say anything because gifts are just that, gifts.

ashiscute · November 2013

No offense but I would be incredibly surprised if either of my brothers remembered my kids' birthdays or took the initiative to get them presents on their own. My SILs usually do that. And DH has no idea when his nieces' birthdays are and would never think to give them anything. We all have good relationships so I just think it's a guy thing. They are less likely to do those things. If you're bothered by it and you think he wouldn't be offended you can mention it but I'd probably quietly stew and let it go.

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