I'm on the brink of becoming a SAHM - am I nuts??

vszapp · October 2013

I am getting dangerously close to resigning from my job. I am in middle-upper management at a large biotech company, and it is just an awful place to work. The culture stinks and the ethics are questionable. I have only been here 5 months (after layoff at previous company due to program cancellation), but it is more than enough for me. We are expecting LO #2 in May, so I am hesitant to take another full-time job. I really want to have enough time with the LOs, and I know a new job means long hours. Part-time would be ideal, but I don’t see anything popping up. I have thought about trying to consult part-time, but the hours can be variable, so child care would be a challenge. I am terrified that if I do stop working for a few years that it will be very difficult to get back into the workforce in a meaningful way. Career has always been very important to me, but the combination of wanting to see DD more, a new baby on the way, and the lack of satisfaction in this job are pushing me out. I realize I’m talking to working moms, but I’ve always considered myself in that bucket and am surprised to find myself wanting to take a different path. Would love to hear from some of you who have been on the brink (or crossed over for a while)… Do you regret what you chose? Or love it??

jd614 · October 2013

I am also on the brink for a few of the same reasons . Not positive if ill pull the trigger yet but it's leaning more that way . I think being a SAHM brings on a whole new sense of stress and responsibility but the rewards are endless . If you take a few years off realize you need to likely be ok starting at the bottom again . For me, that's ok. Can you make it til may and milk your maternity leave then quit when it's time to return ? That buys you another close to a year.

82Sonia · October 2013

You're not crazy but I'd seriously consider sticking it out until you on maternity leave. Give yourself plenty of time to save up for being a single income family and start looking for consulting opportunities now while you're still gainfully employed in that field.

mommymegan831 · October 2013

82Sonia said:

You're not crazy but I'd seriously consider sticking it out until you on maternity leave. Give yourself plenty of time to save up for being a single income family and start looking for consulting opportunities now while you're still gainfully employed in that field.

I agree with this. I'm a teacher so I"m home with the kids in the summer, I also took 2 6 month maternity leaves. I love being home with my kids and would do it in a second if I could, however I know I'd struggle in the winter. If you have a ton of extra cash to do classes and shopping and indoor play areas, its not that bad, but if you're on a budget extended periods of not being able to get out get to you. If you leave now you may be ready to get back to work by the time the baby comes. Atleast why you're out in the summer you'd be able to hopefully make some friends and arrange playdates in the winter.

Katelobster · October 2013

No, you're not crazy. I never thought I'd be anything but a full-time working mom climbing the career ladder, but after having my daughter, everything changed for me and i now work PT. We won't have another child for a couple years, but I hope to SAH for a while then. Missing my daughter + feeling totally unfulfilled at my job + doing it all at home bc my DH travels so much makes it so hard to come in to work.

Not gonna lie, it's hard to see my former classmates and colleagues my age moving up to really cool jobs while I know that I'm slowly committing career suicide. It's hard to completely change direction in life and give up, or at least downgrade career dreams. I never in a million years tjought I'd want to SAH. But after spending an unhealthy amount of time pondering this, I know it's what I want to do and I'm not afraid of starting over at the bottom or going back to school for a career change. I would take the rest of your pregnancy to discern this, list the pros and cons, and ponder what you'd do if you couldn't jump back into the workforce. Good luck.

aglenn · October 2013

As long as you are making the decision to affirmatively choose something you DO want by SAH, and not just to get away from a job you DON'T want any more, I think you are not crazy at all. I am not trying to suggest this is your motivation but am just chiming in because I have had moments where I've been desperate to escape the madness of my current state of affairs and toyed with the idea of SAH for a while, but when I actually imagine how it would go and what it would mean on a day to day basis it would not be any easier. The stresses would just be different ones.

vszapp · October 2013

aglenn said:

As long as you are making the decision to affirmatively choose something you DO want by SAH, and not just to get away from a job you DON'T want any more, I think you are not crazy at all. I am not trying to suggest this is your motivation but am just chiming in because I have had moments where I've been desperate to escape the madness of my current state of affairs and toyed with the idea of SAH for a while, but when I actually imagine how it would go and what it would mean on a day to day basis it would not be any easier. The stresses would just be different ones.

This is a totally valid point. I really do regret the time I'm not spending with DD during the day. It makes me sad when our nanny (who is wonderful) teaches her something that I'm not crazy about. I also wish I could go to swimming, the library, and park with her. I do have a flexible job where I can get out early, but I still feel like it's not enough. She is growing up so quickly, and I just don't want to miss a thing. All of that said, 24/7 is a whole different ball of wax, and I'll bet that I would get pretty fried. That's why part-time would be ideal.

IrishTraveler · November 2013

I just found out I'm pregnant with #2, and I'm considering becoming a SAHM. With two kids, life is going to get quite a bit busier. I really just long to be home with my babies for a while as much as I enjoy working. It's also somewhat of a financial decision since daycare is going to be seriously expensive for two under two.

Netty_3 · November 2013

Not at all. If I could afford to I would or do part time. Do what's right for your family andyour sanity. I think tthat's what all of us moms do...some stay home to satisfy that...some work. Families come in different packages. Good luck!

michaelaskedlauren · November 2013

I posted something similar to this a few days ago and got some great advice from a bunch of the ladies on here. If you have a moment, scroll through some of those responses.

Personally I am at the point where my heart just isn't into my job anymore. Ive been here for 7.5 years and I have come to the realization that it is time to move on. I am due with LO #2 in Feb/March and I plan on sticking it out until then, and using my maternity leave to figure out what I want to do. Can you do that? As PP would mention I would try and stay until your second baby arrives and use this time to save up as much as possible in addition to banking more 401k.

2-Step · November 2013

You are not crazy. I was in upper-mangement at a similar company (not biotech but the atmosphere). After my second I just couldn't take it anymore and eventually found a PT opportunity that paid much less, but allowed me to at least have a couple days per week of work from home and pay for preschool. I also started consulting and that has really taken off. Now I work three days per week, make my own schedule and am extremely happy with it all. It was very scary to transition. I always considered myself the working mom type as well.

I think you have to go with your gut. You are unhappy where you are, so no matter what you should look at making a change in the future. I wouldn't rush things, but just start making an effort to either find something new FT, or find something PT, or put a plan in place with your family on how you will handle everything if you choose to SAH. Then put some of those things into practice now and see how it feels.

I don't necessarily agree that ML is the best test of being a SAHM. I didn't quit until my DS was 10 months and by then our kids were in a great routine and everything was MUCH easier and has continued to get easier. Going from working FT to the newborn phase with another young child is stressful and I don't think it necessarily will be the best indicator of whether you would be happy as a SAHM. I was ready to run back to the workforce during those first few months

but now I love being home with my kids more. I think if you are serious about trying it out you need to give it at least a year and then evaluate if you want to go back into the workforce. Otherwise you'll send yourself on a roller coaster of never really fully committing or adjusting to one situation long enough to be happy. I think it takes some time to get adjusted to SAH, but it can be great.

2-Step · November 2013

mal922 said:

e.

OP, in your situation, I'd try to stick it out if at all possible, figuring I'd be in a better position to look for a new job and explore other options on the other side of a potential maternity leave. In fact, that's pretty much the path I have taken, because I realized while I was pregnant that I was probably not going to be in it for the long haul at my current job. As much as I can't stand my job some days, I got pretty stir crazy while I was on leave and worry a lot that a few months into SAH I'd change my mind and at least be looking for PT work. In my field, it is a huge strike against you to be unemployed when looking for work (I imagine this is the case with most jobs).

This is a good point as well. I actually went on ML and then came back and quit six months later. I felt like that gave me a little time to explore my options while not pregnant, which is how I found the PT opportunity. I also started looking at new FT options at that point and that helped me realize that there wasn't anything out there that motivated me enough to be away from my kids that much.

blushingbride_08 · November 2013

I never thought I would want to be home with my LO full time but I am. I dreaded returning from maternity leave. When I did I asked to work part time but it was declined. I resigned and btw I had been at that job for 10 years. It was the best decision I've ever made. I immediately started volunteering in my same line of work to keep my skills current. Now I have a part time job in the same field working from home. I work opposite hours from dh so I am the primary caregiver. I'm happy and being with my LO all day has it's stress just like a full time job in the office. If you can afford it I say do it! Just keep current on your skills so you can be employable when or if you decide to return back to work.

NicoleWI · November 2013

Yep, I was right there! Except for the "career was always very important to me" part. I have a great career and am proud of it, but it hasn't been a key part of my identity...or so I thought and have been surprised at some of the feelings I have about leaving. I wanted to leave very badly after having DD1 and it was super hard for me to go back to work and stay back at work. Now that I am leaving at the end of the year (five years later), it was surprisingly difficult to really say I was leaving. I like to be able to say that I carry the insurance, and I like the people I know via work, and the things I get to be part of in our community, and I like having an "easy" and "interesting" sort of answer when people ask what I do. But, it just wasn't working for us to both be working FT in our fields. I wanted more flexibility and more time to do things with the kids like you wrote about--go to the pool, the zoo, do fun seasonal things, be able to hang out with DH when his crazy schedule allows. I also didn't like the amount of time they would have to be in child care for us to effectively do our jobs, and I wanted to be able to pick them up from school and be more involved in their activities in the years ahead (DD starts 5K next year).

I have the same fears and worries you do and now on weekends when I lost patience I worry that I won't be able to hack it at home. At the same time, I am excited about seeing how this all goes and I figure that if it's a disaster (and I don't think it will be) it would be easy for me to find another job in the next year or two. After that, much harder, but a year or two later it would be easy to find something new in my field.

Good luck with your decision!

virginiagirl11 · November 2013

I'm right there, too. I like my job, company, and coworkers, so it would not be an escape from something but rather going toward something else. I have got to spend more time with my kids and need to make that change while they're still very young and I have time to catch firsts. I'm pretty sure it will be the one biggest regret of my life if I don't do this. DH and I just need to figure out a way to make it work.

RibbitGrl930 · November 2013

I'm another vote for "not crazy." I recently got promoted into a much better job, but before that, I could totally understand being sad about missing out on time with your LO being exacerbated by hasses of the job. I did not like my last job at all and it only made missing DS even worse.

vszapp · November 2013

Thanks so much ladies. I honestly don't think I can wait the ~6 months until ML - it is that awful here. I am most likely going to resign but try to keep up with some professional education (already have a MSc, but something) to feel like I am preparing myself for an eventual return. It will definitely be a change financially. We'll be going from very comfortable to no really saving a lot, but I think in the end for a few years it will be well worth it.

nosoup4u · November 2013

I SAH for 4ish years, and ended up disliking it by the end. I'm a lot more busy and have a lot less downtime as a WM, but in general, I'm a happier person for working. It's nice getting a break from my kids and managing a house all the time.

That being said, I was able to get a job in my field really easily, so taking off that much time wasn't a big deal. It sounds like consulting might be your best move, I'm sure you could find a nanny share or a SAH mom willing to have flexible hours.

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