when to start school/daycare

tko72 · November 2013

Hi Toddler Moms,

I'm a SAHM and as much as I love spending time with my little guy, I need to start having my own time to relax (baby #2 on the way!) and gradually want to start going back to work. I tried sending my son to a daycare near our house, which didn't go too well at 18 months, and sent him to Montessori school last week (he's 22 months now). I thought he was doing great adjusting (as his teachers were telling me), but this morning he went into a tantrum when I was getting him ready for school, and wouldn't even get into my car without crying (even after he'd willfully put on his shoes when I told him we'd go to BN to play with trains). I swear he was crying like I was trying to take him to the slaughter house.

I asked him if he liked his teacher, school, friends (etc.) and would yell NO and cry... then I'd ask if he liked his grandfather (to make sure his answers were cogent) and he'd reply Yes.

I know there is an adjustment period in the beginning.... but I'm not sure if I'm sending him to school too soon (sending him 9-12am for 3 days/week). How are other moms doing this? I see other toddlers at school totally fine...Will there be a time he will gladly want to go to school without the drama? Or is this something I just need to suck up and persistently send him crying until he adjusts?

TIA for your response,

Sad Mom

tko72 · November 2013

I just wanted to add another big reason for sending him to school was because I wanted him to start learning and doing different activities other than the ones we do at home, and start engaging and socializing with other toddlers.

JENandJEH · November 2013

There is no right or wrong time to send him. Some people wait until their child is old enough for a legitimate pre-k program and others start earlier with mother's day out type programs.

We started DS2 in a 2 day a week mother's day out program that lasts from 9am-12pm when he was 18 months old. It probably took a good month for him to adjust but he always calmed down as soon as I left. He loves playing with his little friends and loves his teachers. I'm sure if I had asked my son if he liked school that first month, he would have said no but he loves it now.

I wouldn't give up after a week...they have to get to know and learn to trust the teachers and get used to the new routine. If it isn't time that you NEED for yourself or it's not worth a bit of discomfort to your son, then pull him and try again later but I don't think you'll ever fully escape the initial adjustment period when they start a school/MDO program.

citymama2012 · November 2013

took my son a month to really have no tears at drop off (at 18 months);he goes 2 mornings per week 9-noon. Now he LOVES school! He runs to get his backpack and smiles so big whenever he hears his teacher's name. One thing I did to help with the transition was make a picture schedule for him so he would know which days of the week were school days (this also helping him learn the days of the week!). BTW--one big reason I enrolled him in school was because his separation anxiety was very severe. Now he is more comfortable with me leaving him with sitters, at the gym nursery, etc. He is just more independent overall which comes with age, but also school has helped him a lot. Stick with it Mama! Good luck

tko72 · November 2013

@theresat, his teacher tells me he's fine once he's in the classroom. I could handle a few tears when I drop him off, but I guess I was just bothered at the fact that he wouldn't even get into my car w/out crying.

ASmallWonder · November 2013

@tko72 it's really normal, even though it's heartbreaking. There are kids who have been in daycare since 8 or 12 weeks who still cry sometimes and who struggle with the transition to a new room. New things are unsettling but that doesn't mean there's something more wrong than that. The fact that he's fine once he's there is a great sign. Try not to let the tears get to you.

Also make sure that you're not letting your concerns creep into your conversations with him. They're smart little people and can start to pick up on you asking if they like their teacher with a concerned look on your face. Then to follow it up by asking if they like someone you KNOW they like - they sense the difference. Of course he prefers his grandfather to his brand new teacher but he can start picking up on the fact that you're comparing the two.

eyenigh · November 2013

I think a lot of it can be this age, too. My son has been in daycare full-time since he was 3 1/2 months old and only in the last month has there really been any tears of tantrums at drop off. He's fine when we leave but it's tough. I've noticed this to have been a bit of a trend with a lot of the little boys as they hit around this age. (The girls in his class appear to be too busy and independent to care, lol!)

Mrs.RockyM · November 2013

DD1 has been going to daycare since she's 12 weeks, and she still has days like that! I wouldn't worry about it!

Jenelle101 · November 2013

This age is prime time for separation anxiety! I taught kinder and first grade and I now run a childcare/preschool from my home. I've noticed that children with separation anxiety (no matter the age) usually have difficulty for about a month. Sometimes it doesn't even kick in until after a few days when they realize it's becoming a regular thing to go to school. I would just stick it out... wait at LEAST a month and then think about whether or not it's a good placement. And remember that most kids settle down minutes after drop-off. I know it's difficult for the parent too... I'm sure the tantrum isn't easy to deal with, but he has a lot going on in his little life. He is adjusting to being away from mom (which it sounds like is a relatively new thing), and maybe he senses his little sibling coming too!

I think it's a good idea to get him socialized. The two-year mark is when language development explodes and it will be great for him to be around other kids his age to practice talking and socializing. It might be challenging at times, but I bet he'll end up having a lot of fun, and you'll get your time to relax. And 3 days a week for 3 hours is not that bad. Some kids go all day every day, since the time they are a few months old! I know that probably doesn't help, but just think of it as a "break," and you're not just shipping him off all day long just because. I think it's a great idea and it will help him develop a sense of independence.

Good luck!

Jenelle101 · November 2013

SandAndsSea said:

DS has been in DC full time since he was 3.5 months. He loves his teachers, friends, school, etc. and there are still mornings he fusses about it, mostly about us leaving, not necessary him going to school. I've heard multiple theories and reasons why it's good to push through the hard mornings and these are some that may help:
1. Routine will help - once they get used to it, doing it over and over will ease the situation and they will learn that that's just how it works
2. If you let them skip because they cry, they learn they can control the situation and get their way by throwing a fit. Keeping the plan and the routine is a first step to good discipline and establishing that you are the parent.
3. They learn that school is their job and it's just what kids do. Daddy and mommy go to work and kids to go school, that's life.
4. Always give a quick goodbye, i'll pick you up later, and love you and then leave. Don't prolong the goodbye, but don't sneak out either. They need to know you are leaving and that you'll be back to develop trust. And sticking around just makes it harder. Even if they cry, they are usually fine within a few minutes of you leaving. It's harder on the parent than the child. If you really aren't comfortable, step outside and listen through the door until they stop crying. I was shocked that 10 seconds later DS was totally fine when I did this!!
5. They're young and don't know how to deal with emotions or communicate yet. Crying doesn't mean they don't want to go to school or that they don't like it. They are probably just sad that you're not going to be there too since that has been their routine. Again, doing it more will make this easier too.
6. It will help them become more independent and self-thinking and more adjustable since they will be used to different locations, events, and people being around.
7. Some days will just be harder than others. All kids have days when they are more clingy, maybe don't feel 100%, are tired, etc. that make them less happy than usual. Stick to the routine or maybe give them a few extra cuddles before/after or plan a fun surprise for after.

All of this too!

cedenton · November 2013

Well, my kid has been in DC since 6 weeks (well there was that 4 months when we had a nanny).

As long as he's fine after you leave I'd give it a good month before you start worrying. I think any age between 1 and 3 is hard for starting something like that. I just changed daycares and my son has been throwing a tantrum when I leave. Odd since he'll walk himself right into the room. But he stops crying within a minute (yay! food!) and is happily playing when I arrive to pick him up.

Anyway...Good luck!

tko72 · November 2013

Thank you for your comments. I spoke with the director and we've agreed to try the transition phase again where he is in only for an hour and gradually increasing time. I know he will like his school once he gets used to the new routine/environment - the teachers I've met and the director are great and I know they will help to find what's best for DS.

tko72 · November 2013

@Sandsandsea - VERY thorough feedback! It was informative for me - thank you!

smileybabyboy · November 2013

DS started going to daycare this fall for 2 days a week. He was fine for about a week and didn't cry. Then the honeymoon was over and he would cry every time I dropped him off but the teachers said it only lasted a couple minutes. Now he's fine. I think it will take about a week, maybe 2. Keep at it so LO gets used too it. I was a SAHM before he started and I think it was a great decision for him and me so he can be around different people and gives him a change of scenery.

stgn01 · November 2013

I have nothing to say except that @eyenigh has the cutest picture of her LO. He's freaking adorable!

eyenigh · November 2013

Thanks @stgn01 ! We like him, too most days.

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