Donating sperm to my sister's wife

fabiouno · November 2013

Hi I'm new to this forum. Just joined. I hope this is the right section for me to post this question. I've been asked by my sister to donate my sperm to her wife so they can have a baby, they would use at home insemination ( the famous "turkey baster" method) . I stll have to decide, I was wondering if anyone has been in this situation, I would like to know how it works and what are your thoughts about it. I think I will donate but I need some advice. Thank you !

LolaBelle515 · November 2013

What a beautiful gift. I know because we conceived using a "known donor" (as you were be referred to in any legal document) using a similar method. We did not use a family member, but I can relate to the process.

First, you will need your sister and her wife her find a GLBT family lawyer who is familiar with this to draw up legal documents. This will protect you from the state coming after you for money/child custody should anything happen to your sister and her wife after baby is born. Depending on the state (if gay marriage is legal where they live), your sister may also need to legally adopt the child in order to fully protect you from the state seeing you as the legal father. You will also need to get a full STD test and (preferrably) a sperm count test to make sure you're ready to go. These do not need to be major concerns, but you need a professional to eliminate them.

Some questions to consider if you decide to say yes. It will be much better for your relationship if you decide together answers to this in advance:

How many months are you willing to try for? How many times each month? What if you are traveling--can they come to you or will you skip that month? Will it feel like a burden to you to drop everything and get to their house that day if it's time? If it doesn't work within the prescribed number of months, then what? After baby is born, what will be your relationship? Do you want a particular number of visits or is that not essential for you? Will the child know you were the donor? What will child call you (uncle?)? What about a second child---once they have one child who is biologically related to you, is is important to them to have those children be biologically related? Are you up for committing more than once?

For us, the process has been very special and we are extremely grateful to our known donor and it was definitely the right decision for us. There are emotions attached to the process and asking these questions and being extremely honest with each other in advance and throughout the whole process is essential. If you can't be 100% honest with each other, it's not the right fit.

Good luck and blessings to you for considering this incredible, incredible gift.

healz413 · November 2013

Welcome! I don't have anything to add to LolaBelle's post, since we are using sperm bank sperm. But if my partner's brother were older (he's only 19 and we feel it's too big of a decision for him), we might have considered asking him for sperm.

wishiwaspreggo · November 2013

That is very kind and generous of you to donate sperm to your sister's wife! You're a wonderful brother and I'm sure they both appreciate you.

I would follow @LolaBelle515's advice and think about all those questions. Make sure you protect yourselves under the law... Like if your sister died and the baby is biologically yours and her wife's, your mom could step in and demand custody. Not saying your mom is like that, but when people pass away, things change. Emotions are high. It's hard (and so awful) to think about these things, but having iron-clad legal documents in your hands will make everyone feel better about the donation.

I wish you all the best! Your sister and her wife are very lucky to have you

fabiouno · November 2013

Hello!! Many thanks for the very insightful replies.Food for thought. Honestly I didn't think to all the problems you mentioned in your reply. But I think I can do it. I live very far away from them but I'm a trucker and I'm very often in their town, so I guess I can easily arrange to make a donation, and I am used to drive for many many hours so it would not be a problem to drive to their town when needed. Just one thought.... I don't want to be a father....I just want to help them to become mothers.... I really do not care to have a father/son ( oh well father daughter..lol they would like to have a daugther) I don't want it. The baby is not mine. DO you think it's weird to think this way ? For them it's important that the baby will be biologically related to both of them .So I'm happy to help. But it's just sperm donation. I do not want to enter in their lives. They don't need a third parent for their baby...Right ? Any advice will be very welcome : Fabio

ATXmommas · November 2013

I'm pregnant with an anonymous donor's sperm, but we did consider using a known donor first. I don't think your feelings on the matter are weird at all. In fact, I think it's what most lesbian couples looking for a known donor want - someone who doesn't want to be a father to their child. My best friend donated his sperm to his best friend from childhood. He is in their daughter's life, but not as a father figure and it is a perfect situation for them.

That said, it is best to do draw up the legal papers for all the "just in case" situations. It's really great of you to be considering this. Best of luck to all of you.

LolaBelle515 · November 2013

No, it's not weird that you don't want to be a "father figure." That's entirely appropriate...you won't be a father figure. It's actually much better that you don't want that--and that you see this is a gift to your sister and her wife. That's what makes it so special....it's just good to have a conversation in advance about what kind of relationship you will have with the child and if he/she will know that you gave them this gift.

Good luck!

karah0011 · November 2013

I think it is a fabulous gift you can give them if everything works how. However, since you travel for work and are on the road a lot be sure you guys consider that timing is very precious. You will need to be available when ovulation happens if not they need to be OK with missing a month. That can get stressful for everyone involved if it is not talked about before hand. Also, just like everyone else said...legal documents are crucial.

My friends used a known donor (best friend) and it has worked out beautifully. He lives far away and is 'uncle' to their little girl.

Good luck, keep us posted!

fabiouno · November 2013

Hello!! I would like to thank you everyone for your precious advices on this very sensitive subject. English is not my first language so please be patient with me

. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one thinking that a donor SHOULD only be a donor and not a father figure. I mean ...it's a gift...,and the last think I want in my life is a baby. My sister and her wife will be the real parents of the baby/babies. That's all I want. It does make sense to me. I would like to ask a couple of questions. Dont' get me wrong but I don't know nothing about insemination/ttc :ZERO/NADA

. You said that of course I will need to be avalaible at the time of ovulation and that's ok. How many inseminations do you suggest each month? More than once I suppose ? What about something like that : I would be in their town in the evening, make a donation, then sleep in my truck , early in the morning another donation and then I would go to deliver the goods and when I come back before driving back home make another sample. What about it ? That's enough ? You know I guess that my sister and her wife have already a plan but I want to know something more so I will be able to discuss with them. Sorry I know that questions like that may sound silly but I'm really new to this. Last question ( for today

) is there something that I can do to increase the chance of conceiving ? Many thanks
@themommymonster : thanks for your help it would be great to talk with someone with a similar experience.
Fabio.

GoaliesWife123 · November 2013

I think it is wonderful that you want to be a donor, however, I think your sister and her wife should read Taking Charge of Your Fertility as well as The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception. That should answer a lot of your previous questions.

As for the wanting to be a donor and not a father, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, unless your State has second parent adoption, make sure you get a very good lawyer. If your state does not offer second parent adoption, no amount of legal contracts between you and your sister and her wife will exempt you of your responsibilities should the State have to get involved (if they are on any kind of state aid).

I think the option of a known donor is great, but it does come with risks on both sides if second parent adoption is not available.

fabiouno · November 2013

Hello, yes I am aware of the risks offering myself as a donor. But I think I will accept. I'm just a little bit confused but hey I guess it's normal. As already said I don't know nothing about insemination & ttc. Using me as a donor will help them having the family they want. The baby will "belong" to both of them. I can't see myself as a father...babies are not for me. I know it's not my "businness" to ask for the procedures..., I just wanted to receive an advice from this forum

.
Fabio.

fabiouno · November 2013

Hi I've been talking to my sister and her wife and we have decided to give it a try. I really do wish that it will work. As soon as possible!

fabiouno · December 2013

Hi just wanted to let you know that we are about to start this...amazin adventure. We are a little bit nervous. !!

clairmeij · December 2013

Such a wonderful thing for you to do! Good luck!

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