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Working Moms
silvie25mar
member
Update: marriage issues
silvie25mar
member
in Working Moms
Hey guys. I promised I would post an update about my situation that I had posted a few weeks back.
So. I really took a lot of the advice from posts to heart. I really tried to push forth the "I can't change somebody else's way of thinking, I can only change mine" and that I can't control somebody else's actions either. It worked well, and every day was a struggle of mind control or whatever.
As you recall, my husband wasn't sure how he felt anymore due to fighting and stress of baby etc. I went away for 4 days last week and it actually helped my frame of mind. I was concerned he wouldn't miss me and I never asked. Nor did he say. But after those 4 days when he picked me up from the airport I thought out of the corner of my eye that he was fighting tears back. But I never asked. Anyways, the week following that (this past) was very great. No fights, he genuinely seemed back to his normal talkative joking self. He even initiated sex which he hadn't done in a few months. It was always me.
But if you remember my previous posts, he is going away next week for a week on a work trip. This made me nervous because I saw on our phone bill that he had been chatting to a fellow female colleague who is also going. She is with somebody as well btw. And I confronted him about it and he assured me it was work related. Ya ya. Anyway, this past month he has not talked to her once. At least not from his cell anyway, so I'm chalking it up to he needed a shoulder during what was a very hard time. So deep down, because I know he did so much talking to this person over August and September it made me a little insecure especially knowing she's going on this trip. So I'm acting different (I know I am) and looking for things that probably aren't there. And he sees it for sure.
Last nigh I said something about his trip that seemed to be condescending towards him or indicate something he was hiding. He got so mad and we argued and he stormed out.
Told me that today would be different. But he's clearly not different and has gone back to his old attitude. No doubt he is looking forward to his trip now. Any time something debatable comes up he closes right off.
What am I supposed to do. I feel like I can never win and can never do anything right.
So. I really took a lot of the advice from posts to heart. I really tried to push forth the "I can't change somebody else's way of thinking, I can only change mine" and that I can't control somebody else's actions either. It worked well, and every day was a struggle of mind control or whatever.
As you recall, my husband wasn't sure how he felt anymore due to fighting and stress of baby etc. I went away for 4 days last week and it actually helped my frame of mind. I was concerned he wouldn't miss me and I never asked. Nor did he say. But after those 4 days when he picked me up from the airport I thought out of the corner of my eye that he was fighting tears back. But I never asked. Anyways, the week following that (this past) was very great. No fights, he genuinely seemed back to his normal talkative joking self. He even initiated sex which he hadn't done in a few months. It was always me.
But if you remember my previous posts, he is going away next week for a week on a work trip. This made me nervous because I saw on our phone bill that he had been chatting to a fellow female colleague who is also going. She is with somebody as well btw. And I confronted him about it and he assured me it was work related. Ya ya. Anyway, this past month he has not talked to her once. At least not from his cell anyway, so I'm chalking it up to he needed a shoulder during what was a very hard time. So deep down, because I know he did so much talking to this person over August and September it made me a little insecure especially knowing she's going on this trip. So I'm acting different (I know I am) and looking for things that probably aren't there. And he sees it for sure.
Last nigh I said something about his trip that seemed to be condescending towards him or indicate something he was hiding. He got so mad and we argued and he stormed out.
Told me that today would be different. But he's clearly not different and has gone back to his old attitude. No doubt he is looking forward to his trip now. Any time something debatable comes up he closes right off.
What am I supposed to do. I feel like I can never win and can never do anything right.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update: marriage issues
It would really make me mad if someone turned my valid concerns back on me...if he wanted to ease your mind he should have reassured you with kindness instead of stomping off.
Regarding this trip - I would go with him. I would suprise him with the news that you are going! "I'm so excited, this will be great!" Logistcally challenging, but I'd go on that trip.
And I agree with others, counsiling will help more that what these boards can offer simply because the support is more intensive.
You guys are right about him. He is a good person but were just stuck in a rut right now I guess that no matter what comes up feeling wise it just gets spiraled out of control and everybody gets upset. He is very closed off.
I think before he leaves tonight I'm just going to say that when you come back it WILL be different. You will be different and focus on my positives instead of negatives. Focus on what WE can do different as opposed to what I should do different. I can't live this way and it's been like 12 weeks of shit. It needs to change.
I felt like I was doing soooo well last week. I had such a I can't change anybody I can only changed self attitude. And that I can't control what he is doing mentality. Then it just went down the pipes for some reason and I'm back to square one. I hate it. I'm not sure what happened.
Please take other pp advice and see a counselor. Even if it is by yourself. You need a place to talk and your husband can't be that for you right now no matter what you demand he do.
It is important to stress that I am going to counselling. It is helping and I enjoy it. He won't go to counselling because he thinks that is basically the end.
I say he is a great guy because he always has been. Just recently in the past few months it has been very stressful on both our sides. He's going through something and I guess i'm at the receiving end. My therapist told me to always remember that for 2 years I was going through PPD/PPA and that I myself was unrecognizable and wasn't my true self. He dealt with that, without me even realizing what he was going through. That was 2 years! This has been 3 months, and this has been his way of dealing with all of that I guess.
I'm not saying i'm nto in denial, but I think the anticipation of this trip was just eating away at me, and now that he is gone... I do miss him already (he left this morning) but it will be a nice little break for both of us.
Last night I did say I would miss him and he said no you'll be fine. And again, I kept pushing for him to say it back to the point that we got into another arguement (I was acting like a child in some ways) and he said it's hard to say yes i'll miss you when we've been having such a hard time in the last 12 weeks. Why would I miss that. agreed. I get that. But I did say when he comes back he needs to start expressing his love because thats all I want and need. If he can't, well then something bigger will happen.
I do trust him, and I think my imagination is getting the best of me when it comes to this colleague who is also on the trip. No doubt they chat, and maybe he needed a shoulder. Last months bill had 0 calls on it to this person. I'm nto saying they didn't talk but there were no calls over 4 minutes on the bill. I can't say this didn't make me feel a little more relieved. But I think i've been pushing and acting like a baby the past few weeks because of this stupid trip.
I'm just tired of feeling this way, and of course al of your advice is so helpful and great. But it's so much easier said than done. I am trying.