Can you plan your own baby shower?

ambarnett1 · November 2013

Is it tacky to plan your own baby shower? I know it's not "proper" etiquette, but I don't have any really close girlfriends and no one has offered. DF's sister, who I would want to plan my baby shower, are under 16 and obviously are too young to help out. I would enlist my MIL and mothers help (mom lives 400 miles away though

), but I just want to be sure to get all my friends and family together without any fuss. Plus, I don't like people spending money to throw me huge parties.

Any opinions? Stories? Advice?

amhah09 · November 2013

It's still deemed tacky. Personally it seems gift grabby to me but maybe you can go about it a different way and plan a non traditional shower and more of a get together/party instead. You can also consider waiting until the baby gets here to have a sip and see party. But you could also consider that it's still super early for anyone to be offering to host one yet and there could still be someone out there that will.

thomas930 · November 2013

Most people are going to say that yes, it is tacky and looks gift grabby.

I would never plan my own. If there wasn't anyone to throw one for me than I wouldn't have one.

maelic · November 2013

Nope, you can't plan your own shower. Sorry. If the mothers offer, great, give them a list of who you'd like to invite, budget permitting.

If no one offers, you don't have a shower. They are not necessary, you'll still get plenty of baby gifts from people.

ambarnett1 · November 2013

I definitely see your point of view ladies. I was afraid people would think I'm doing it just for the gifts. I just want a nice get together with my friends and family since both DF and I have split families. I'm not in it for the gifts, I just want all my families their to celebrate this new life. I do appreciate the opinions and advice though!

Eta: spelling error

Andrewsgal · November 2013

Ambarnett1 said:

I definitely see your point of view ladies. I was afraid people would think I'm doing it just for the gifts. I just want a nice get together with my friends and family since both DF and I have split families. I'm not in it for the gifts, I just want all my families their to celebrate this new life. I do appreciate the opinion and advice though!

Then do it after the birth.

Teresa1896 · November 2013

Yes it's tacky. No you shouldn't host your own.

amhah09 · November 2013

Ambarnett1 said:
I definitely see your point of view ladies. I was afraid people would think I'm doing it just for the gifts. I just want a nice get together with my friends and family since both DF and I have split families. I'm not in it for the gifts, I just want all my families their to celebrate this new life. I do appreciate the opinions and advice though!

Eta: spelling error

Sounds like a "sip and see" after the baby gets here is more up your alley then.

ambarnett1 · November 2013

Thanks! I never heard of having a party after the baby is born, but it makes sense in my situation. Thank you

baileymama3 · November 2013

I don't think it's fair if you don't have close enough friends to throw you a shower that you can't have one. Just twist the name to a different celebration. Co-host with your hubby a pre-baby party! There is always a reason to celebrate and just because you live somewhere you aren't close with people doesn't mean you don't get one! It's not about gifts but getting to feel special and celebrated for going through this pregnancy! But I am also not very traditional and don't want the the typical punch and tea sandwich shower where all you do is open gifts and people go home. Good luck!

figgs0831 · November 2013

I will be planning my own. Mainly because when others were enlisted to do my bridal shower it turned into a mess. I was dragged into arguements and ended up paying for half because my family turned crazy. It will just be easier and less stressful for me.

That being said... I will be enlisting some family to help. One will be responsible for cake, one for decorations. One will be the RSVP person. I will be responsible for everything else like food, venue, etc.

Avion22 · November 2013

You can host your own party as long as it's clear to everyone that it's not a gift-giving party (which means don't call it a shower or have any public registries that people can search for). But no, it's definitely tacky to host your own shower. It's basically asking people to buy you stuff, which isn't cool.

ambarnett1 · November 2013

Thanks ladies! I think I will have a get together after my little boy is born. I am not looking for gifts just time with all my families, so I think that is the best compromise. Have a wonderful day

KatieGummow · November 2013

You can throw yourself a gender reveal party!

Serenla · November 2013

Personally it wouldn't faze me if someone threw their own shower, but then again I didn't have wedding favors and my mother flipped her shit that I broke etiquette. I am sure it would bother others.

Edit adding.

WifeofaComposer · November 2013

Personally speaking, I wouldn't organize my own shower, but with my mom so against me having a shower (because I had one for my much older child from a previous relationship), I am nervous that nobody will host one for us. My dad and two of my close friends have all promised us that we will have a shower in early 3rd trimester. Everyone knows that we have nothing for the baby and we need all the help we can get. I really want the shower to be at our house because it's huge, centrally located, and it's comfy. I hope our shower won't be at a Masonic Hall or restaurant, or any place like that. It's too impersonal for my taste. I suppose that makes me high maintenance, but oh well.

MissWhis · November 2013

I know quite a few people who have thrown pre-baby parties. They have all been co-ed and either BBQs or at bars depending on the season. Most of my friends aren't that into the tea, finger sandwiches, baby games type of showers and will have a small traditional one with family and a few close friend and then a larger pre-baby party as well. I would not do a registry or anything for the party option, though. It's more of a fun, hangout time than a gift giving time.

LittleLady77 · November 2013

I've seen a lot of diaper and beer parties. Usually it's a big co-ed party pre baby.

strawberrytree · November 2013

It's super tacky to throw yourself a party so other people can give you presents, which is what a shower is. It's gift grabby. If nobody offers to throw you a shower, you don't get a shower. We moved to another city far away from friends and family shortly before I got pregnant the first time- I didn't have a shower and somehow my kid is fine and well-loved by many. Lots of people visited after he was born and brought presents then (not that I expected it, but it was nice of them to do so). If nobody offers to throw a shower, I think hosting a get together once baby is here so everybody can meet and celebrate him is nice. I think the name 'sip and see' is kind of cheesy but I guess that is what it would be. If you want a party to celebrate the baby, might as well have the guest of honour there, right?

NicoleAnne416 · November 2013

I wouldn't plan an actual shower for yourself. This is our third, and even though our youngest will be 6 when this one is born, we don't expect a shower. We may have a meet the baby get together, but request no gifts (if they bring them fine with me, but will include no gifts on a casual invite). And even then, it may just be a few close friends. And there may be wine involved. lol

MissWhis · November 2013

ColleenSwerb said:
Since when does a shower have to be tea/finger sandwiches/baby games?

A shower can be whatever you want, and I think it SHOULD reflect the personality of the MTB (mother to be). If you're not into tea and finger sammie's, I would think the host would know that and plan the shower to be like that.

Almost all the ones I have been to seem to cater more towards the traditional expectations of older family members. I think a lot of people's families don't really care for stepping outside the norm.

I don't really want a shower, but my aunt wants to plan one for me. I'm sure it will be lovely and I definitely appreciate it, I just know it's not going to be something I would choose as an individual.

I'm really into the Cinco de Mayo meet the baby thing idea! But it's not something my 86 year old grandmother would be comfortable at, so I'll do the aunt one,a friend and "chill" family co-ed thing, and try to make everyone (including myself!) happy.

Erikahenderson1 · November 2013

Someone offered to do my wedding shower and I ended up paying 500$ for it. I think things are different than in the past, and I know several people who have thrown their own baby showers. A lot of people my age don't have the money to shell out for someone else's party. (Clearly I'm in the lower- middle class) I don't think it's tacky at all, and I don't think people would think less of you either.

We are doing a "baby shower" that is basically a coed BBQ for all of our friends here in town that my sister-in-law is throwing so that neither of us have to fork out too much more money than we do for Sunday BBQ. My mom is throwing the family one that I will be traveling to get to. And I'm thinking about doing one myself for my work friends who have all already asked me if I plan on having one. They seem pretty egar for the celebration of little Avery's life.
Do what you gotta do girl.

kwolslager · November 2013

WifeofaComposer said:

Personally speaking, I wouldn't organize my own shower, but with my mom so against me having a shower (because I had one for my much older child from a previous relationship), I am nervous that nobody will host one for us. My dad and two of my close friends have all promised us that we will have a shower in early 3rd trimester. Everyone knows that we have nothing for the baby and we need all the help we can get. I really want the shower to be at our house because it's huge, centrally located, and it's comfy. I hope our shower won't be at a Masonic Hall or restaurant, or any place like that. It's too impersonal for my taste. I suppose that makes me high maintenance, but oh well.

I'm sorry that you're mom is so stubborn. I know usually in most circumstances it is tacky to have a shower after baby #1. But I had the same situation, and it's totally different. DD1 was born in WA state, I was married to my now ex husband, family held a shower for me. After the divorce I moved to the Chicago area, and remarried my now DH. We did have a shower for DD2, because it was HIS first baby, all his loved ones, relatives, my new friends, etc were there. All so happy to celebrate him about to be a new dad.

So it definitely depends on the circumstances. Because this is our second baby together, we will not be having a shower, but we do plan on having a "sip & see" after this baby is born.

WifeofaComposer · November 2013

kwolslager said:

WifeofaComposer said:

Personally speaking, I wouldn't organize my own shower, but with my mom so against me having a shower (because I had one for my much older child from a previous relationship), I am nervous that nobody will host one for us. My dad and two of my close friends have all promised us that we will have a shower in early 3rd trimester. Everyone knows that we have nothing for the baby and we need all the help we can get. I really want the shower to be at our house because it's huge, centrally located, and it's comfy. I hope our shower won't be at a Masonic Hall or restaurant, or any place like that. It's too impersonal for my taste. I suppose that makes me high maintenance, but oh well.

I'm sorry that you're mom is so stubborn. I know usually in most circumstances it is tacky to have a shower after baby #1. But I had the same situation, and it's totally different. DD1 was born in WA state, I was married to my now ex husband, family held a shower for me. After the divorce I moved to the Chicago area, and remarried my now DH. We did have a shower for DD2, because it was HIS first baby, all his loved ones, relatives, my new friends, etc were there. All so happy to celebrate him about to be a new dad.
So it definitely depends on the circumstances. Because this is our second baby together, we will not be having a shower, but we do plan on having a "sip & see" after this baby is born.

@kwolslager - This is so similar to my situation. When Skippy and I moved away from his dad, none of his baby stuff "survived". His dad burned all of the baby furniture because it took up too much space in his house. Now that I'm married to my true beloved, we're adding to our family - Skippy lives with us full-time, and he doesn't think of this baby as his step-brother or half-brother, this is his brother.

Anyway, I had this discussion with my mom last year when I was pregnant with Henrietta, and she said it's tacky to have a shower even though I have nothing left from when Skippy was a baby. This is still my husband's first take-home baby. We've lost 2 babies together, and he's so protective of this one already. Part of me wants to have a shower just for him to celebrate.

Thanks for understanding.

Bluebird2318 · November 2013

@wifeofacomposer I hope you get a shower! I know how you feel. I'm not hoping for gifts this time around, but I do hope there's a celebration of some sort. We had neither a shower nor a sip and see due to DD being a preemie. (Shower planning stopped when she was born and by the time she came home it was getting into flu/cold season.) I feel bad for wanting a party of some sort, but I do think there are some special exceptions to the "no shower for subsequent babies" rule. Yours is one of them!

thomas930 · November 2013

@WifeofaComposer Totally different in my mind, and in this situation I would actually throw my own get together too.

WifeofaComposer · November 2013

Bluebird2318 said:

@wifeofacomposer I hope you get a shower! I know how you feel. I'm not hoping for gifts this time around, but I do hope there's a celebration of some sort. We had neither a shower nor a sip and see due to DD being a preemie. (Shower planning stopped when she was born and by the time she came home it was getting into flu/cold season.) I feel bad for wanting a party of some sort, but I do think there are some special exceptions to the "no shower for subsequent babies" rule. Yours is one of them!

@Bluebird2318 - I'm glad your little Skye stayed healthy when she was so little. I do hope you get your shower this time!!

WifeofaComposer · November 2013

thomas930 said:

@WifeofaComposer Totally different in my mind, and in this situation I would actually throw my own get together too.

Thanks, @thomas930 - I might just do that...

chichi589 · November 2013

I don't see why you can't plan your shower without anyone knowing it. See if you can list your mil as In charge of RSVPs and then no one would know. Plan something simple where no one has to be in charge would make it easy and enjoyable for everyone. No one likes showers that are complex.. You shouldnt be at fault to not have a shower simply because it's not convenient for anyone to plan one. Just enlist some help of people to pretend to help plan and no one would have to know. Not everyone is blessed with a giant support system close by its hard when your family doesn't live close. Good luck!

BiggerinRealLife · November 2013

@WifeofaComposer I get the shower at your house thing. A lot of my friends have done the same (with someone else hosting) just so they didn't have to lug everything back home afterwards. I hope you get your shower!

OP looks like you know what you want to do. You can always add something special to the sip and see to let guests honor you baby. For example, one friend asked everyone to write down a prayer, bible verse, or wish for their baby's life and put it in a jar. Another made a scrapbook that had pages for each year of their life up to 18 and had people write down advice to the baby for each year. The mom planned on adding pictures each year and giving it to their baby at graduation.

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