Sorry to be a post whore but my older sister (32yo) just told me that she had the serious conversation with her BF (30) that she isn't sure if kids will be in her future. She was trying to see if this was a deal breaker for how serious their relationship has gotten since he just moved to be closer to her in NYC. I, for the life of me, cannot wrap my head around this. I have never pictured us not having families and having our kids grow up together. We were so close to our cousins that it just felt like an obvious thing for my only sister and I.
Since becoming pregnant, my sister was distant in the beginning after finding out and I mostly feel it was because I didn't share the news with her first. I mailed her a package and it took over a week to get to her and in that time DH and I had already shared the news with our families. But with every symptom or pregnancy woe I share with her she'll comment like "that's on the Con list" or I'm never getting pregnant. To me her responses seemed childish, like it's all worth it to have that little one in your arms. But now it really is like a blow to hear her say that she doesn't really want kids, isn't sure she wanted kids ever really, never expressed baby lust so she doesn't get why I thought or assumed we would both have families. I selfishly feel so sad for her or like these future dreams I had for the both of us are crushed now.
I honestly have no idea how to talk to her about this and I worry about saying something that will offend her or push her away since we are obviously living two very different lives. Any advice on how to approach this? I don't want to try and change her mind because she has done a lot of thinking and soul searching about this and I respect her beliefs but I want to at least make her realize that that door maybe shouldn't be closed right now.
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ME (34) Secondary/unexplained IF, DH(35) MFI w/varicocele repair
DS conceived NTNP; born 1/8/14
TTC 5/15
TI w/Clomid 12/16, 1/17, 2/17
OB ordered SA 2/17 and referred to RE for MFI - Low Count/Motility
DH Varicocele repair 6/17.
9/17 SA: count improved
TI w/Letrozole 9/17, 10/17
IUI#1 11/17 BFN
IUI#2 Christmas day

Canceled due to low count/poor sample

IVF#1 w/ICSI: 3/18 BCP, Lupron down reg, Follistim 300IU, LDHCG 10units, Lupron 5units, Ovidrel trigger on 3/18. ER 3/21
8 retrieved, 5 mature, 3 smaller no fertilization w/IVF. 3/5 fertilized w/ICSI. Day 5 Fresh transfer scheduled 3/26 or day3 on Saturday if any arrest.
Re: Sister doesn't want kids
Do you know if maybe your sis has reproductive issues and is just saying these things as a kind of emotional defense?
This part, though, sort of strikes me as being really know-it-all-ish. I think you are coming from a really good place, but I think the best thing for you to do right now is remember: The choices that you make for your life aren't going to be the right choices for your sister. You share DNA, but that doesn't mean that your lives are going to mirror each other's. Try to be respectful of her decision, even if you don't agree with it.
Edited to add: I am really sorry that you're feeling some sadness in your own life over this. I don't have a sister, so I'm probably missing out on some of what you're feeling, but I hope that your relationship with her isn't defined by motherhood, and that in years to come, things get better with you guys. It might not be what you'd always pictured, but hopefully the love you have for each other as sisters will overcome the difference in lives you lead. *Big hugs*
partial molar pregnancy : bfp 6.28.10, d/c 8.17.10, 7 rounds methotrexate, cleared 7.1.11
alexander patrick : bfp 1.16.12, born 9.20.12 @ 39w1d, 7 lbs./11 oz./22 in.
scarlett irene elizabeth : bfp 5.24.13, born 2.3.14 @ 41w2d, 7 lbs./13 oz./19 in.
@alinafed it's not that I want to make her change her mind about it now, but I feel it would sit better with me (selfish again) if I knew she wasn't 100% committed to closing the door to kids.
@sunflowersbridge DH does have a younger sister but I'm not very close with her like my sister.
DS conceived NTNP; born 1/8/14
TTC 5/15
TI w/Clomid 12/16, 1/17, 2/17
OB ordered SA 2/17 and referred to RE for MFI - Low Count/Motility
DH Varicocele repair 6/17.
9/17 SA: count improved
TI w/Letrozole 9/17, 10/17
IUI#1 11/17 BFN
IUI#2 Christmas day
IVF#1 w/ICSI: 3/18 BCP, Lupron down reg, Follistim 300IU, LDHCG 10units, Lupron 5units, Ovidrel trigger on 3/18. ER 3/21
8 retrieved, 5 mature, 3 smaller no fertilization w/IVF. 3/5 fertilized w/ICSI. Day 5 Fresh transfer scheduled 3/26 or day3 on Saturday if any arrest.
Otherwise I would just tell her that you support her in her decisions and mention that you realize that it may be overwhelming to hear you talk about your pregnancy and baby all the time but you hope she can just be happy for you. I think if you just have an honest conversation about being happy for each other even while your paths appear to be divergent the "wierdness" will go away.
My aunt never got married or had children (by choice as far as I understand) and my mom and she are still very close and she has been both a great aunt and is now a great great-aunt to my boys.
Since that moment, I did talk to my sis, and found out she'll probably adopt at some point, but she has no desire for kids of her own. And, she wants to wait another 7-10 years. My kids will be teenagers by then :-O We actually had a good chat, and I don't really tease her about it any more.
Obviously you had a different reaction than I did. Have you talked to her about it? I don't know how close you are by distance, but maybe you could have a sisters night out? It might help to talk about it with her. Or just let her know that you still love her.
DS1 born 11/3/06 * DS2 born 3/29/08 * DD born 3/15/11
Scarlett Mae born 1/14/14 Our family is now complete!
I wouldn't press the issue right now, but let her know that you are there for her if she needs you. I think talking about kids right now will only push her further away (the con list/never getting PG comment makes me really believe there is jealousy there, for some reason.)
Question... is she your older or younger sister? And how old is she?
ETA: My bad... I see that in the first line. Yes, she's jealous and really having issues with herself right now. I don't think it has anything to do with WANTING kids but maybe more about WILL I EVER have kids.
Carter Robert 7.18.08 | Brynn Sophia 5.24.10 | Reid Joseph 9.10.12 | Emerson Mae 1.27.14
Some people are genuinely happy to never have kids, and choose that life on purpose. And they get tired of people trying to convince them that they're going to change their minds. I have a friend who's really defensive about the whole thing, cause she's so tired of the same comments from people who think it's just an expected part of life.
From my personal experience, even though I always knew I wanted kids, we waited 8 years after we got married. I got extremely tired of the pressure from in-laws and family. Having a child is not a decision anyone should make just because it's what other people want you to do. But it really started to feel like they thought they should get a say in when and if we had kids, and it just made me want to avoid them sometimes.
I'm not trying to minimize your feelings. It can be really hard to let go of expectations and dreams like that. I'm just trying to maybe help you understand your sister's perspective, and say that she's making a valid decision if it's what's right for her. Maybe she'll change her mind someday, but from what you said it sounds unlikely. So you can tell her what you're feeling, maybe find out more about her reasons for her choice, but try to respect her decision.
Maybe your kids will have the same kind of relationships with other people in your lives. We had some family friends that we were really close to growing up, and I'm still close with all of them. We'd celebrate Thanksgiving together, hang out at each others houses a lot, etc. Maybe your kids can have some fake cousins like that. And I hope your sister turns out to be an awesome aunt.
Miscarriage 3/15 at 10 weeks
BFP 7/23/15 EDD 4/3/16
Although you may have some feelings about wanting her to have kids for her sake, what I'm reading is mostly that you want her to have kids for you -- so that you can do it together, your kids can have cousins, etc. That is (as you have noted) extremely selfish, and until you can control those feelings yourself, you really have no business talking to her about her decision. You need to make sure that any conversation comes from a place that has nothing to do with you.
Although you may have some feelings about wanting her to have kids for her sake, what I'm reading is mostly that you want her to have kids for you -- so that you can do it together, your kids can have cousins, etc. That is (as you have noted) extremely selfish, and until you can control those feelings yourself, you really have no business talking to her about her decision. You need to make sure that any conversation comes from a place that has nothing to do with you.
Voices of reason. It is okay not to want children. If my first had not have happened (on accident), I could have led a fulfilled life without children. B
Baby Chugging born 12.28.13
induction due to HELLP
The worst part about not wanting a child for many years was the judgment that I received from others. It is truly no one's business but the woman, or couple making the decision to not have children. I can understand your sadness that you may not be able to raise children with your sister, but I would hate for her to feel like you are judging her for this, or for it to negatively impact your relationship with her.