MIL hogs my baby

opsmgh · November 2013

I don't post here much, but I'd really like some objective thoughts on this. I realize I'm asking strangers on the internet for their opinion so I can't be too defensive if I don't like what you say, and I know you girls are honest!

Ok, my MIL is really irritating me. My baby is almost 7 weeks old. He's our first child, her first grandchild. She is the sweetest woman in the world and does not mean any harm, and I know she is just uber excited and smitten over him. But when we go over to their house to visit (at least once a week, sometimes 2-3 times... they live very close by) she CONSTANTLY holds him. Sometimes we are over there for 4-5 hours and I feel like I don't get to touch my baby at all... and I really can't stand that. As soon as we walk in the door she runs to wash her hands and opens her arms up for us to hand him over... and she never lets go. DH's father and brother hardly get to hold him. Example on that, yesterday we were over there and she actually let "granddaddy" hold him... for seriously like 2 minutes. Basically she just let him hold the baby while she went to pee, then as soon as she got back she was like "I can take him off your hands now!" and he even said something like "well, we're pretty comfortable... unless you just really want him back...." and she replied "can't you see I'm foaming at the mouth??!!" and snatched him back.

The only time I'm touching my baby when we're over there is if I change his diaper or feed him. We EBF so we escape to a back bedroom to ourselves. (I love breastfeeding.) As SOON as we walk out of the door she hops up and opens her arms for me to hand him back over. Or she'll ask "has he been burped?? Grandmother can finish burping him!" GRRRRR... I feel like such a brat but it's so annoying!

Bottom line is she hogs him and that is the best way to put it. She's the kind that when he was born thought she could "help" me by coming over and holding him for me while I rest. I never took her up on that one. I needed help cooking, cleaning, etc. And she has no clue about breastfeeding and how often he eats (on demand) and that there really is no time for me to just let her take care of him for hours in my absence. I honestly don't want to be separated from him at all... he's not even two months old! What really irks me is the multiple times she has said "ya know, if you decide to go back to work I would love to take care of him!" Yes, I know. You have said that 12 times already and I realize you would love to be the one to take care of and raise my son, but, newsflash... he's MY BABY! I didn't have him for YOU.

Whew. I feel like a B and get down on myself for having these feelings. Of course I want her to hold him and love him, she's his grandmother and she's a very sweet, giving, caring lady and I'm glad she is in his life. I am just getting to the point to where I hate going over to their house because I know I won't be touching my baby for hours unless he eats. Maybe if she would just chill out, she would realize I would eventually willingly offer for her to hold him if she'd just let me do it in my own time.

I've asked my husband for nice ways to get her to back off and he suggested saying something like "give me a few more minutes with him" but that doesn't work for every situation... like when she snatches him out of my husband's arms so the situation is created where I have to hover over her (and she doesn't get the hint) then say "let me check his diaper" or "I think he needs to eat"... even if neither of the two are necessary.

I realize I could have worse problems. I don't want to feel this way and I want to enjoy our visits but I just wish she weren't so pushy and possessive. Suggestions on how to take a stand in a nice way? TIA

Mae208 · November 2013

Yeah, you need to get over it and be glad she loves your baby. It's not like she's coming to your house every single day and holding him all day long. My mil is very similar. It's annoying but it could be much MUCH worse.

pb&jojo · November 2013

I agree with PP. I think that if your FIL wants to hold the baby more, it's his place to speak up. If it bugs you, maybe don't visit as much? When my mom or in laws visit, I assume they are going to want their time with her, and I pass her right over. I understand feeling annoyed, but just breathe and remember...it could be worse!

noelani42 · November 2013

Haha I couldve written this word for word...I've actually appreciated the breaks I get when she takes her for a couple hours but I did get irked when she tried to yank her away from me when she was having a crying fit and I was trying to soothe her...I just said no thanks I got this! I understand your frustration but I guarantee you'd rather have a doting mil than no family around to help out...just think whenever you need a night out it even a weekend away you will have someone you trust who will jump at the chance to watch him I just keep reminding myself of these posituves

RondackHiker · November 2013

Lurker, but I'd just say, "it's time for mommy cuddles!" and take him from her hands. Or say, "no thanks! I'll burp him, but thanks for offering." And just snuggle.

As far as your FIL, you can just say something like, "he wants grandpa to burp him," or, as you walk in, "he has been waiting all day for grandpa cuddles! I can tell, mommy instincts!"

She doesn't mean any harm. She just wants to be loving and she's excited. You don't have to hand him over because she hovers or reaches.

This is a little thing. Don't stress!

Lindsaym5! · November 2013

I think your feelings are normal and I wouldn't like it either. I would say not to go over there so much. Also I would have my husband say something. It's his mom. Sorry you are dealing with this. I don't think you should feel bad about yourself for feeling this way at all.

JGior1031 · November 2013

I completely understand and agree with how you are feeling.
My twins are 7 weeks old and I need constant help. My mother stays with me Sunday to Wednesday and my mother in law stays Wednesday to Saturday. My mom follows my lead with the babies, asks what I need her to do and understands how I want to raise my babies.
My MIL on the other hand is the complete opposite. While she is a HUGE help for me she also make my anxiety 100000000x's worse. She changes almost every diaper and does almost every feeding from Wednesday to Saturday! While I am greatful for the help and ability to get some rest I am still the mother. I want to change diapers and do feedings. My son is a little fussy and when he makes a tiny peep she goes running over to him, picks him up and holds him for the next 2+ hours!!! It drives me bananas!! Bc when she leaves all he wants is to be held and I have my daughter to take care of too! She is also constantly telling me how I should be doing things and how i need to change my ways and thought process. My twins were 7 weeks early and were preemies. They sneezed a lot when I first brought them home and they get "startled" a lot (it's their nervous system growing not them really being startled). They had one of the top neonatologist in our area taking care of them and he told my husband and I that these were two things that were very normal for preemies and it may take them up to three months to grow out of it. By day three of having the twins home (after 4 weeks in the Special Care Nursery) my MIL was convinced that the twins were sick, in severe pain from gas and were allergic to the formula and my dogs! She said she had two children and wa a mother for 36 years and she knew more than the neonatologist. WTF?!?!?
I feel horrible for complaining about her bc I will admit its nice to get more than 30 min of sleep and she loves being up over night and I don't and she does help. But she is also always overstepping her bounds and takes over everything. It's makes me feel overwhelmed and like I don't have a chance to be a mom.
I've talked to my husband but he has no balls when it comes to his Mom. She is a very typical Italian mother of an only son.
I take a deep breath, vent to my friends and make sure to take my anxiety meds on time and everyday when she is with me! Lol!
Hang in there and good luck to you!

ASmallWonder · November 2013

My opinion is that you're overreacting. She loves your son and that's amazing. You're upset that she hogs him for 2-3 hours a WEEK - an entire week that you have him. If your FIL is bothered by it, that's his battle to fight. Unless she is disrespecting you as his mother, see all the good there is in her actions. She LOVES him.

sparks4stp · November 2013

Do you and I have the same MIL? Mine bugs the SHIT out of me. Same thing, our first child, her first grandchild. What I hate is that she seems to have a sense of entitlement towards my son. And it pisses me off. I get that she's excited but she's so over the top that she just sucks all the fun and joy out of anything. She's a very selfish person and makes little snarky comments behind my back al the time about the baby. We went to a family party a few weeks ago when the baby was 5 weeks old. Many of the people there on DH's side hadn't seen the baby yet. Well she ambushed me as soon as I walked through the door to take the baby. I told her ok, hold on a second, let me make the rounds with him and I'll bring him back to you (reluctantly). She then proceeded to make comments behind my back to other family members including my husband about how I wouldn't let her hold him. Seriously? 10 min later I ask her if she's ready for him (again reluctantly). Her reply to me is "Maybe now you'll understand why I am the way I am with my boys (aged 27 and 33!) in this bitchy ass tone. That makes no sense to me. If you understand how I'm feeling about passing around my baby, why are you being such a bitch about it? And when her first was born she lived on the opposite end of the country from any family. So she doesn't get it. Ugh.

I finally told my DH that anytme I know we have to see MIL my anxiety goes through the roof. So I think he gets it. He tries to buffer the situations as best he can and when she calls us to drop by at the last minute he will tell her we have plans (which we usually do). It makes me feel better that he "gets it." All I can suggest is to talk to you DH about it again and explain how much anxiety it creates for you and see if you can limit visits/times until you feel more comfortable.

ASmallWonder · November 2013

I felt like I had to jump back in here and comment on the irony of people using words like "hog" and "selfish." You have your child (I'm making an assumption right now that you're at home - the general "you") 168 hours a week and people are upset that a loving grandmother wants to "hog" the baby for 5 of those hours? Like I said in my other post, if OTHER people are upset that she's hogging the baby from THEM, that's on them to say so.

thedash · November 2013

With my first I absolutely hated the feeling of being mauled by MIL, GMIL, and MIL's two sisters the second I walked in the front door. I actually almost fell backwards down a set of steps once because as I came in the front door holding DS GMIL grabbed my arm and shouted over all the excitement that she wanted to hold him first. I jumped and stumbled backwards. They would also refuse to hand him over when he was hungry and randomly change his diaper because it was fun for them - which always woke him up and made him cry.

They have been better with DD but I also make DH carry her whenever we arrive at one of their houses and I carry our toddler. I have also skipped several family events because of how uncomfortable they made me last time.

It's not really about how long they hold the baby in my opinion, it's about them being rude and irritating to me!

BebeOnBoard · November 2013

I feel for you OP. My Mil is the same way. I can't even tell you how many times she has said to me "if you ever need me to come over and hold the baby while you shower, clean, cook etc." never once has she said "if you ever need me to come clean, cook etc. while you rest...."
No I don't need you to come hold the baby. Thanks but no thanks. Stay home.

kelseyjohnston · November 2013

You are not overreacting! My SIL is the SAME WAY!!!! Sometimes when I'm holding him and I see her approaching, I will whisper to DH "don't let her take him!" LOL!!!! One time I had just HAD it with her holding him so when I was done nursing him and she came up to get him I snapped and said "I like holding him too," she then responded "But you see him all the time!" I don't think people realize that when a mom is with the baby, most of our time is spent feeding, bathing, changing and just plain taking care of our babies. We need fun time too!!!! UGH!

I like the whole "It's mommy love time" idea.

kjenkins346 · November 2013

I understand getting annoyed and think you have two options, either speak up for yourself and take your baby back from your MIL ("mommy time" is a great way to explain it where it's hard for her to argue) or don't stay at your IL's house for such an extended period of time where you are going 5 hours without holding your own baby. I agree with a pp, just because she hovers and grabs for your baby, doesn't mean you need to hand the baby over. No, just two little letters but sometimes one of the hardest words for us to say.

Mae208 · November 2013

BebeOnBoard said:
I feel for you OP. My Mil is the same way. I can't even tell you how many times she has said to me "if you ever need me to come over and hold the baby while you shower, clean, cook etc." never once has she said "if you ever need me to come clean, cook etc. while you rest...."
No I don't need you to come hold the baby. Thanks but no thanks. Stay home.

@bebeonboard
Umm do you realize you are bitching about a woman who has offered to tend your baby so you can do household chores? Many new mothers would give anything for that. At least is better than no help at all!

This entire post is ridiculous.

aeh72 · November 2013

Mae208 said:

I feel for you OP. My Mil is the same way. I can't even tell you how many times she has said to me "if you ever need me to come over and hold the baby while you shower, clean, cook etc." never once has she said "if you ever need me to come clean, cook etc. while you rest...." No I don't need you to come hold the baby. Thanks but no thanks. Stay home.
@bebeonboard Umm do you realize you are bitching about a woman who has offered to tend your baby so you can do household chores? Many new mothers would give anything for that. At least is better than no help at all! This entire post is ridiculous.

I have to agree with Mae208 - to everyone who is upset that their MILs don't want to come cook and clean for them and instead just want to hold your baby - I promise you this, the day will come when you'll be asking them to come over and hold or play with your LO so you can actually get some stuff done around the house. We regularly have the grandparents come babysit so DH and I can work on house projects that take two people. It's a win for everyone! I do understand the feeling of attachment and possessiveness when you have a newborn, but don't burn the bridge of those kinds of offers. You will want to take them up on them eventually.

OP - I think you need to be a little more assertive with your MIL. Don't do it in a hurtful way, but say something like, "okay grandma, it's grandpa's/BIL's/DH's/my turn now. I promise you'll get him back!", and just make that happen. Smile while you do it and if she's as nice as you say she is, she'll understand.

egw9457 · November 2013

This all sounds really petty and whiny. It sounds like your MIL really loves her grandchild. It's only for a few hours at a time. If you don't like it, don't go over there as often. If only all children would be so lucky to have grandparents who want to love them and be a part of their life. Infancy only lasts a year and you get to hold and be with the baby the other 160 hours of the week. Relax. I think you are making this into a problem.

HBirdie · November 2013

OP, I totally feel you. I was so afraid my in-laws (lucky me, I have TWO sets) would be like this. So far they've been alright. My best advice? Talk to your husband, explain your frustrations, brainstorm with him the best way to deal with it. Come up with a plan that involves him, too. He knows his mom pretty well, perhaps he'll have a good way of dealing with the situation. And honestly, if I were you, I'd get a little brave and learn how to say no. If it really bothers you to immediately hand the baby over, don't. You're the mommy, you get the final say. It's hard, but if it's really important to you, it's worth it.

Good luck!

Liz4444 · November 2013

Why on earth would people want to come over and do your chores? You want that to happen, hire a cleaning lady. Seriously, it's like, 'I had your grand kid so you should vacuum and do my dishes'. Seriously? That's nuts on so many levels. Sure, it would be helpful, but why on earth would they want to do that? And, I don't get why people are so averse to having others change their baby's diaper. You want to wipe my kids ass, be my guest! I have a PITA MIL but she wants to change a diaper, I hand the kids over so fast...

singinchick31 · November 2013

This is tough, and I have to say there is definitely a HUGE generation gap between how things are done today vs when our parents and ILs were having babies. For example, I would not trust my own mother to properly feed my baby or change a diaper, or be responsible for him in general. Everytime she visits she bothers him when he is sleeping. Then while she holds him he fusses and I insist he needs a new diaper for 15 minutes before she let's me change him, never offering to do it herself. I go to change him and in the process he pees again and I have to change his outfit. She comes to see if she can help and as I'm taking off his wet outfit she says she'll take it. I turn around after he's all dressed and see the wet clothing draped on top of a perfectly clean quilt on the side of the crib. SMH seriously? I would also not trust these people with household chores, my fiance and I do just fine and frankly I'm very particular about how things are organized and done around the house. Little visits are fine but it will be a long time before we trust someone with the care of our child.

MagickalNarwhal · November 2013

OP, I think it's totally and completely FINE to want to hold your own baby. I have no idea why everyone is being so aggressive with you. I loved having other people hold mine for short periods of time but no way would I let someone else have them for 4 hours at a time if we were visiting them. If I were you I'd feel 100% fine just straight up saying to her, "OK, thanks for snuggling him, I'm going to hold him now," as you reach out and physically take your baby out of her arms.

thedash · November 2013

Liz4444 said:

Why on earth would people want to come over and do your chores? You want that to happen, hire a cleaning lady. Seriously, it's like, 'I had your grand kid so you should vacuum and do my dishes'. Seriously? That's nuts on so many levels. Sure, it would be helpful, but why on earth would they want to do that? And, I don't get why people are so averse to having others change their baby's diaper. You want to wipe my kids ass, be my guest! I have a PITA MIL but she wants to change a diaper, I hand the kids over so fast...

Oh I'm happy to have anyone change a diaper in my house when it actually needs to be changed. What I don't appreciate is MIL or her sisters waiting until my infant has been asleep for all of 10 minutes and then deciding "Let's give him/her a dry diaper!" which results in the baby being wide awake and crying by the time they are done.

PB102012 · November 2013

I see both sides.... I can understand where you would miss your LO, but I also understand how excited your MIL must be over having her first grandchild. Maybe have her over to your house when you need to get things done (laundry, cleaning, etc)? That way you will be able to get things done around the house while she is bonding with her grandchild, sometimes it helps to bring LO back on your own turf. If you don't want to do this then I would have your husband talk to her about giving LO over to other people who maybe want to hold him, including you. Good luck.

allisonty11 · November 2013

I love having visitors hold my LO so I can get stuff done around the house. I didn't realize I was in the minority by feeling this way. It's nice to have a break for a little bit.

BebeOnBoard · November 2013

LalaMama81 said:

MosyMama said:

Liz4444 said:
Why on earth would people want to come over and do your chores? You want that to happen, hire a cleaning lady. Seriously, it's like, 'I had your grand kid so you should vacuum and do my dishes'. Seriously? That's nuts on so many levels. Sure, it would be helpful, but why on earth would they want to do that?

And, I don't get why people are so averse to having others change their baby's diaper. You want to wipe my kids ass, be my guest! I have a PITA MIL but she wants to change a diaper, I hand the kids over so fast...
It's not that OP expects visitors to do her chores. The issue is that it can be irritating when people offer to "help" new moms by holding the baby for hours so that mom can get things done around the house, when in reality that's not the kind of "help" that most new moms want or need because they are feeding the baby constantly, still bonding, etc. It's common in many cases for visitors to actually HELP by taking care of small chores that mom is too busy and/or tired to do.

Yes. I don't know why this is such a difficult concept. At a few weeks PP, holding a newborn doesn't help anyone. Not that family shouldn't get to visit and hold babies - but if they are saying they want to help, they should.

Thank you. This exactly.

Otterama · November 2013

OP, I hate to say this, but this is all SO easily fixed by YOU. Honestly, if I went to my MIL's house with my baby, I would expect she would want to hold the baby most, if not all, the time. I would cut my time down to a couple of hours.

If you breastfeed, doesn't that mean you are feeding roughly every two hours? That means you do have that time with your baby every couple hours while there. I'm just not seeing the problem. I love DD with all my heart, but I can't see being angry that I don't get her hold her for a couple of hours so her grandmother can love her. Your MIL is not harming anyone by wanting to hold her grandchild...and she won't be around forever to get that bonding time in.

MoofyKitten · November 2013

MosyMama said:

Why on earth would people want to come over and do your chores? You want that to happen, hire a cleaning lady. Seriously, it's like, 'I had your grand kid so you should vacuum and do my dishes'. Seriously? That's nuts on so many levels. Sure, it would be helpful, but why on earth would they want to do that? And, I don't get why people are so averse to having others change their baby's diaper. You want to wipe my kids ass, be my guest! I have a PITA MIL but she wants to change a diaper, I hand the kids over so fast...
It's not that OP expects visitors to do her chores. The issue is that it can be irritating when people offer to "help" new moms by holding the baby for hours so that mom can get things done around the house, when in reality that's not the kind of "help" that most new moms want or need because they are feeding the baby constantly, still bonding, etc. It's common in many cases for visitors to actually HELP by taking care of small chores that mom is too busy and/or tired to do.

Yes. I don't know why this is such a difficult concept. At a few weeks PP, holding a newborn doesn't help anyone. Not that family shouldn't get to visit and hold babies - but if they are saying they want to help, they should.

This, completely. We moved a week after I gave birth. My MIL and pregnant SIL with her 4 year old and her husband came and "helped." I'd had a tear while giving birth and couldn't do much of anything to help without being in pain (did I mention we had to walk up a steep flight of stairs?). But my SIL's idea of helping was leaving her daughter on the floor to color while she held the baby and let me help move things up and down the stairs. Now I'm not saying she should've done it being 5 months pregnant and everything but, holy inconsideration Batman, don't just come and take my baby and leave your kid in the way of people moving things! A lot of the time I was so frustrated because I was just sitting on the floor in a lot of pain and feeling like I looked like a lazy ass because I wasn't helping, while SIL sat in my comfy glider, holding my baby.
Woo, that got ranty. The point is, people should come and help you in the way you need them to. If you want them to hold the baby, they should that. If you need them to clean, they should do that. If they can't help you at all, they shouldn't come unless you say it's ok.

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