Sister doesn't want kids

LuGal623 · November 2013

Sorry to be a post whore but my older sister (32yo) just told me that she had the serious conversation with her BF (30) that she isn't sure if kids will be in her future. She was trying to see if this was a deal breaker for how serious their relationship has gotten since he just moved to be closer to her in NYC. I, for the life of me, cannot wrap my head around this. I have never pictured us not having families and having our kids grow up together. We were so close to our cousins that it just felt like an obvious thing for my only sister and I.

Since becoming pregnant, my sister was distant in the beginning after finding out and I mostly feel it was because I didn't share the news with her first. I mailed her a package and it took over a week to get to her and in that time DH and I had already shared the news with our families. But with every symptom or pregnancy woe I share with her she'll comment like "that's on the Con list" or I'm never getting pregnant. To me her responses seemed childish, like it's all worth it to have that little one in your arms. But now it really is like a blow to hear her say that she doesn't really want kids, isn't sure she wanted kids ever really, never expressed baby lust so she doesn't get why I thought or assumed we would both have families. I selfishly feel so sad for her or like these future dreams I had for the both of us are crushed now.

I honestly have no idea how to talk to her about this and I worry about saying something that will offend her or push her away since we are obviously living two very different lives. Any advice on how to approach this? I don't want to try and change her mind because she has done a lot of thinking and soul searching about this and I respect her beliefs but I want to at least make her realize that that door maybe shouldn't be closed right now.

lolinshag · November 2013

I would just leave it alone except to say that you are so happy to have children and her negitive comments make you feel bad. My bros had kids, but because my bros are 13 years older than.me all of their kids will be more like young aunts/uncles instead of playmates for my girls. It makes me sad sometimes, but i know that there is nothing i can do to change it.

Do you know if maybe your sis has reproductive issues and is just saying these things as a kind of emotional defense?

SunflowersBride · November 2013

Well, for starters I'm an only child, so I never had a thought about my children having cousins growing up together. I also have one first cousin who is 10 years younger than me, so I have never been close to her either.

Anyway, I think you just have to support her decision and realize that this is what she wants for her life. DH and I were sort of on the fence about kids for a bit, and we are still unsure whether we will have a second. I'm glad we are having a baby, but I recognize that it isn't for everyone, and I really admire people who are 100% certain they do not want kids. I think it is one of the most selfless things people can realize about themselves, so I say good for your sister!

I know you are mourning the life you thought you would have with your kids and your sisters' kids, but you will just have to learn to live with that. Does your DH have siblings? I don't really think there is any way you can tell your sister not to shut that door at this time, because I believe that comes across as patronizing. If she changes her mind at some point, that's her decision also. But at 32, I wouldn't bet on it.

amt0312 · November 2013

I don't know what its like to have a sister close to my age have no desire to have kids, but my brother's wife had expressed at the beginning of their relationship that she had no interest in children. While it definitely hurt to hear that my brother might never get to have his own children, I never said anything because I knew how head over heels he was for her even though he really wanted kids. Suddenly, three years later when she hit 31, she got the baby itch and told me that they were going to start trying as soon as they tied the knot. I was definitely relieved to hear that!

I'm not saying this will happen to your sister, but maybe you can take comfort in that something might change, and then again maybe nothing will change. She may end up being the most awesome aunt ever! I do wish you the best in dealing with this and hopefully you can come to terms with your sister's choice.

Edit: I just want to add that she probably knows that she shouldn't close the door 100% on having kids and I don't think its really your place to tell her that. Tell her that you support her decision and would appreciate it if she could reciprocate with support of your decision to have kids and to tone down the negativity about your pregnancy, etc.

alinafed · November 2013

I don't have a sister but I would imagine it depends a lot on your relationship - would you have been comfortable if she had tried to talk to you about your choice to have kids and advised you to wait and see and not close any doors too young (i.e. in case you might change your mind and not want them?)

I think this is the kind of thing where nothing you say will really make a difference if she is firm in her opinion, and if not she will come around on her own (my best friend did a total 180 on this in the last few years. I always figured she would but never said anything about it figuring it would either happen or not in its own time).

Unless she is going to medically get something done right now that would make it impossible for her to have kids, why is this something you have to try to get her to change her mind about right now?

pixieonboard · November 2013

Many people are child free by choice. Because you could never see yourself childess it's hard to see her point of view. Please try not to pull away from her because you are having different life experiences. Would you feel the same way about her if she could not have children and choice not to adopt? Keep telling yourself you respect her point of view and trust she knows what is best for he. You never know she could become the worlds best Aunt.

brideandbreve · November 2013

Well, first off, I don't think it's necessarily a negative thing when a woman decides that motherhood isn't right for her. In fact, I think it's empowering, especially since society seems to expect women to have that motherhood urge hard-wired in their brains. Not all women are meant to be moms. Not all women are strong enough to admit it, to live their lives fearlessly with that decision, and I really commend your sister for creating an open dialogue about it.

LuGal623 said:

Any advice on how to approach this? I don't want to try and change her mind because she has done a lot of thinking and soul searching about this and I respect her beliefs but I want to at least make her realize that that door maybe shouldn't be closed right now.

This part, though, sort of strikes me as being really know-it-all-ish. I think you are coming from a really good place, but I think the best thing for you to do right now is remember: The choices that you make for your life aren't going to be the right choices for your sister. You share DNA, but that doesn't mean that your lives are going to mirror each other's. Try to be respectful of her decision, even if you don't agree with it.

Edited to add: I am really sorry that you're feeling some sadness in your own life over this. I don't have a sister, so I'm probably missing out on some of what you're feeling, but I hope that your relationship with her isn't defined by motherhood, and that in years to come, things get better with you guys. It might not be what you'd always pictured, but hopefully the love you have for each other as sisters will overcome the difference in lives you lead. *Big hugs*

csandroo · November 2013

I agree about leaving it alone unless you are there just to listen to her without giving her much input. My niece and nephew have brought more joy to my life than any other people so far and its possible being around your kid(s) will affect her current thoughts. Or life just happens and she finds she does want them, she still has a lot of years to decide and she can change her mind in a moment or life can surprise her

Even if she truly doesn't want kids and doesn't change her mind - I know so many genuinely happy people who are single - or married without kids - who have found fulfillment outside of building a family and it isn't lesser joy than having kids - just a different kind of joy. I suppose it would be a little annoying to hear "I'm NEVER having kids!!" all the time - and it seems kind of immature to say that as opposed to people who are just really settled in life and have their minds made up -- they don't usually exclaim and shout it from the rooftops in that way but I think its most important you support her as she navigates all this. The future may look different than you imagined but it will be great either way .... then all auntie's attention will be lavished upon your kiddo's

You never know what could happen -- my SO thought he didn't want kids for many years of his life, then decided he did but wasn't in a relationship and then badda bing badda boom - here we are with a surprise child - he just turned 40 last week. So just love your sister and deal with not having the close cousin-hood for your kids you dreamed of privately.

LuGal623 · November 2013

To clarify, it's not that I want to make her change her mind about this. I do respect her decision, I think I'm having the hardest time not feeling selfish about how her decision affects what I thought would happen. We are really close, she's my best friend and I realize this doesn't mean that SHE won't be in my future. I just need to figure out how to process this I guess rather than what I should say to her.

@alinafed it's not that I want to make her change her mind about it now, but I feel it would sit better with me (selfish again) if I knew she wasn't 100% committed to closing the door to kids.

@sunflowersbridge DH does have a younger sister but I'm not very close with her like my sister.

litzo27 · November 2013

I'm not sure how she is "closing the door" unless she is getting her tubes tied or something.

Otherwise I would just tell her that you support her in her decisions and mention that you realize that it may be overwhelming to hear you talk about your pregnancy and baby all the time but you hope she can just be happy for you. I think if you just have an honest conversation about being happy for each other even while your paths appear to be divergent the "wierdness" will go away.

My aunt never got married or had children (by choice as far as I understand) and my mom and she are still very close and she has been both a great aunt and is now a great great-aunt to my boys.

MrsGraham06 · November 2013

I, too, have always pictured my sister having kids, and my kids and her kids growing up together. I've even teased her a couple times about how she needs to catch up (she's still single). However, during this pregnancy, Mom and I were talking and the subject of my sis being pregnant came up. We looked at each other and burst out laughing, realizing it probably isn't for her.

Since that moment, I did talk to my sis, and found out she'll probably adopt at some point, but she has no desire for kids of her own. And, she wants to wait another 7-10 years. My kids will be teenagers by then :-O We actually had a good chat, and I don't really tease her about it any more.

Obviously you had a different reaction than I did. Have you talked to her about it? I don't know how close you are by distance, but maybe you could have a sisters night out? It might help to talk about it with her. Or just let her know that you still love her.

mrsjenni · November 2013

KaitiMac said:

Realistically, if she's testing the BF's commitment, she may be having doubts about him, which lead to doubts that she'll ever get married/have a family as she gets older.

I completely agree with this. There also seems to be a bit of jealously about where you are in your life (married/starting a family, etc) compared to where she is (single, looking for the right guy.) But I also agree with what @litzo27 said... unless she's removing her ute, the door isn't closed for her and she might change her mind when the right person comes along.

I wouldn't press the issue right now, but let her know that you are there for her if she needs you. I think talking about kids right now will only push her further away (the con list/never getting PG comment makes me really believe there is jealousy there, for some reason.)

Question... is she your older or younger sister? And how old is she?

ETA: My bad... I see that in the first line. Yes, she's jealous and really having issues with herself right now. I don't think it has anything to do with WANTING kids but maybe more about WILL I EVER have kids.

moosebaby2011 · November 2013

I understand how you feel. My younger sister is reasonably sure that she doesn't want children, but this has not always been the case. She and I used to talk about how great it would be if our future kids were similar in age, but as we have gotten older my sister has decided that motherhood just isn't for her for a variety of reasons. It was difficult for me to accept because I would have loved to see her become a mother, and to have our kids be close as cousins.

There really isn't anything you can do or say to make her "not close the door", but instead just try to be supportive of her. She certainly has plenty of time to change her mind if she so chooses, but reminding that she can change her mind will most likely just antagonize her. This is especially true if she already seems combative and/or defensive about her choice.

sugarland726 · November 2013

I'm failing to see the jealousy of your sister about your life. I am seeing a holier than thou attitude with this statement from your OP: "I selfishly feel so sad for her." Don't feel sad for her. If this is her choice then she is fine with it. Maybe she feels sad for you that you are saddling yourself with kids and you won't get to travel and experience amazing things like she will get to do. Just because you disagree with her life choice for yourself, doesn't mean it isn't a good choice for her.

katags · November 2013

SunflowersBride said:

Well, for starters I'm an only child, so I never had a thought about my children having cousins growing up together. I also have one first cousin who is 10 years younger than me, so I have never been close to her either.

Anyway, I think you just have to support her decision and realize that this is what she wants for her life. DH and I were sort of on the fence about kids for a bit, and we are still unsure whether we will have a second. I'm glad we are having a baby, but I recognize that it isn't for everyone, and I really admire people who are 100% certain they do not want kids. I think it is one of the most selfless things people can realize about themselves, so I say good for your sister!

I know you are mourning the life you thought you would have with your kids and your sisters' kids, but you will just have to learn to live with that. Does your DH have siblings? I don't really think there is any way you can tell your sister not to shut that door at this time, because I believe that comes across as patronizing. If she changes her mind at some point, that's her decision also. But at 32, I wouldn't bet on it.

This, word for word.

AnnikaD20 · November 2013

Some people are genuinely happy to never have kids, and choose that life on purpose. And they get tired of people trying to convince them that they're going to change their minds. I have a friend who's really defensive about the whole thing, cause she's so tired of the same comments from people who think it's just an expected part of life.

From my personal experience, even though I always knew I wanted kids, we waited 8 years after we got married. I got extremely tired of the pressure from in-laws and family. Having a child is not a decision anyone should make just because it's what other people want you to do. But it really started to feel like they thought they should get a say in when and if we had kids, and it just made me want to avoid them sometimes.

I'm not trying to minimize your feelings. It can be really hard to let go of expectations and dreams like that. I'm just trying to maybe help you understand your sister's perspective, and say that she's making a valid decision if it's what's right for her. Maybe she'll change her mind someday, but from what you said it sounds unlikely. So you can tell her what you're feeling, maybe find out more about her reasons for her choice, but try to respect her decision.

Maybe your kids will have the same kind of relationships with other people in your lives. We had some family friends that we were really close to growing up, and I'm still close with all of them. We'd celebrate Thanksgiving together, hang out at each others houses a lot, etc. Maybe your kids can have some fake cousins like that. And I hope your sister turns out to be an awesome aunt.

rowanthefrog · November 2013

It's her life and her choice. Some people just don't want kids. That's ok. I have a few friends who have chosen not to have children. They seem happy with that choice and I'm happy they are happy.

I don't really see what needs to be said about it. Either she will or she won't. It does sound like you are in different places in your life and that may be a factor in why she is acting distant. I'd try not to take it personally.

A

mairybear · November 2013

I wouldn't worry, she can change her mind. She is still really young. I had no intent of having any kids until mid-thirties and that all changed. I had no "baby lust" and to be honest, I was kind of scared to hold a newborn, however once my sister had a kid I realized it was doable. Perhaps after she meets your baby she will change her mind, it's definitely a life changing experience becoming an aunt and it changes your view on life in general.

megngregk · November 2013

As somebody who didn't want kids myself, all it did was piss me off when people told me about why I just had to have children or questioned my decision. It pushed me away from those people, too. Obviously things changed, but had it not happened on accident, I still don't know if I ever would have tried to get pregnant. Leave it be, honestly. It's not your place. I know it's hard to understand when it's so vastly different from how you pictured your lives, but if she truly feels that way then it's because she has her reasons.

peanutmuse · November 2013

sugarland726 said:

I'm failing to see the jealousy of your sister about your life. I am seeing a holier than thou attitude with this statement from your OP: "I selfishly feel so sad for her." Don't feel sad for her. If this is her choice then she is fine with it. Maybe she feels sad for you that you are saddling yourself with kids and you won't get to travel and experience amazing things like she will get to do. Just because you disagree with her life choice for yourself, doesn't mean it isn't a good choice for her.

I totally agree with every word of this. I don't see jealousy on her side, unless I'm missing something? I really don't think it's any of your business whether or not she wants to have kids, and you talking to her one way or the other probably isn't going to change that. But it does have the potential to make her resent you.

Although you may have some feelings about wanting her to have kids for her sake, what I'm reading is mostly that you want her to have kids for you -- so that you can do it together, your kids can have cousins, etc. That is (as you have noted) extremely selfish, and until you can control those feelings yourself, you really have no business talking to her about her decision. You need to make sure that any conversation comes from a place that has nothing to do with you.

MamaP19 · November 2013

I can sympathize to a certain extent. My brother said through most of his 20s he would never get married, but eventually changed his mind. He was the same about wanting kids and just when he started saying how much he wanted to be a dad, SIL said she'd never have any. I've never once made a negative comment about their reproductive choices because it's none of my business.

I do have an issue with how SIL reacts to my child(ren) and pregnancy, and well, everything related to kids. My brother has been excited for us, but SIL is negative every single time we see her.. i.e. immediately bringing up abortion when I say that I'm pregnant, constantly judging how mothers (her friends) treat their children, talking over DD/trying to take away attention from her at family get togethers, etc. The list goes on and on and on..

All of this just to say that there's really no way to go about telling her to keep an open mind, that you're sad she won't have kids, etc. That's her call. I do hope that she can be more supportive of you, though. Hopefully when your LO is here she will be an awesome aunt.

ChuggingWater · November 2013

peanutmuse said:

sugarland726 said:

I'm failing to see the jealousy of your sister about your life. I am seeing a holier than thou attitude with this statement from your OP: "I selfishly feel so sad for her." Don't feel sad for her. If this is her choice then she is fine with it. Maybe she feels sad for you that you are saddling yourself with kids and you won't get to travel and experience amazing things like she will get to do. Just because you disagree with her life choice for yourself, doesn't mean it isn't a good choice for her.

I totally agree with every word of this. I don't see jealousy on her side, unless I'm missing something? I really don't think it's any of your business whether or not she wants to have kids, and you talking to her one way or the other probably isn't going to change that. But it does have the potential to make her resent you.

Although you may have some feelings about wanting her to have kids for her sake, what I'm reading is mostly that you want her to have kids for you -- so that you can do it together, your kids can have cousins, etc. That is (as you have noted) extremely selfish, and until you can control those feelings yourself, you really have no business talking to her about her decision. You need to make sure that any conversation comes from a place that has nothing to do with you.

Voices of reason. It is okay not to want children. If my first had not have happened (on accident), I could have led a fulfilled life without children. B

RedSaffron · November 2013

MamaP19 said:

I can sympathize to a certain extent. My brother said through most of his 20s he would never get married, but eventually changed his mind. He was the same about wanting kids and just when he started saying how much he wanted to be a dad, SIL said she'd never have any. I've never once made a negative comment about their reproductive choices because it's none of my business.

I do have an issue with how SIL reacts to my child(ren) and pregnancy, and well, everything related to kids. My brother has been excited for us, but SIL is negative every single time we see her.. i.e. immediately bringing up abortion when I say that I'm pregnant, constantly judging how mothers (her friends) treat their children, talking over DD/trying to take away attention from her at family get togethers, etc. The list goes on and on and on..

All of this just to say that there's really no way to go about telling her to keep an open mind, that you're sad she won't have kids, etc. That's her call. I do hope that she can be more supportive of you, though. Hopefully when your LO is here she will be an awesome aunt.

Your SIL sounds like quite the charming person... not. That was seriously inappropriate of her to bring up abortion. I probably would have head-butted her because it's not something you say to someone who chose to have children.

HappyDoc · November 2013

I am a 32-year-old FTM, and I never wanted children until about a year ago. DH and I have been together since high school, and I had told him from the very beginning of our relationship that I did not want children. Don't get me wrong, I love children, just never wanted any of my own. As I got older and became financially stable, I became more open to the idea. My DH wanted children very badly, and I started thinking about whether I would regret depriving him of being a father. After months of soul-searching, I decided that I did want to be a mother, an overwhelming feeling that I had never experienced before.

The worst part about not wanting a child for many years was the judgment that I received from others. It is truly no one's business but the woman, or couple making the decision to not have children. I can understand your sadness that you may not be able to raise children with your sister, but I would hate for her to feel like you are judging her for this, or for it to negatively impact your relationship with her.

MamaP19 · November 2013

RedSaffron said:

MamaP19 said:

I can sympathize to a certain extent. My brother said through most of his 20s he would never get married, but eventually changed his mind. He was the same about wanting kids and just when he started saying how much he wanted to be a dad, SIL said she'd never have any. I've never once made a negative comment about their reproductive choices because it's none of my business.

I do have an issue with how SIL reacts to my child(ren) and pregnancy, and well, everything related to kids. My brother has been excited for us, but SIL is negative every single time we see her.. i.e. immediately bringing up abortion when I say that I'm pregnant, constantly judging how mothers (her friends) treat their children, talking over DD/trying to take away attention from her at family get togethers, etc. The list goes on and on and on..

All of this just to say that there's really no way to go about telling her to keep an open mind, that you're sad she won't have kids, etc. That's her call. I do hope that she can be more supportive of you, though. Hopefully when your LO is here she will be an awesome aunt.

Your SIL sounds like quite the charming person... not. That was seriously inappropriate of her to bring up abortion. I probably would have head-butted her because it's not something you say to someone who chose to have children.

right? she did it both times we shared the news with them. i was so hormonal the first time that i cried when we left, but now i pretty much know exactly what to expect. thank goodness we hardly ever see her.

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