XP Daycare or stay at home dad

ivy_leaf85 · October 2013

XP here & on my BMB. I lurk here often & agree with most of the advise opinions here. My boy turns one at the end of December

So here's the situation & decision we are facing. My DH & I have both been part time since my maternity leave ended - so between the two of us & my mom we have kept our baby home with us so far. However in Jan my work schedule changes to 60 hours per week. My husband is either going to quit work & be a stay at home dad or DH goes back to fulltime work & DS going into daycare.

With as expensive as daycare is, it's only slightly better financially for DH to be working.

Day to day satisfaction wise, dh goes back and forth, but I think DH would be happier working.

The biggest question is whether DS would be better off with daddy or in daycare during the day. He's very social, but has never adhered to a consistent schedule or routine. Days so far have been very "baby-led" , more AP type style & he's happy and thriving with that.

Thoughts? What would you do?

honkytonk_kid · October 2013

For our family, it would not work for H to be a SAHD. He does not have the personality or desire to do so. There are many factors to consider when deciding to become a SAHP- not just what he would be happier doing now, but whether he would be able to easily regain employment if he changes his mind or when LO gets to school age (some fields are much easier than others to take time off from).

It's absolutely possible to find high quality, AP style child care. I will say that I went back to work at ~1 year, and although we had always done a very baby-led, laid back schedule, he adapted very easily and happily to the routine of his childcare (church preschool).

mb314 · October 2013

How old is you LO? There are a lot of factors to consider. That's a tough choice.

If your LO is more than a year now, he may benefit from the social interaction of daycare as he approaches 2 years old. But younger than that, I don't think there's much benefit to socialization.

Another question I would ask is can DH easily go back to work in a few years if he quits now? At some point your LO will go to pre-school and then school, and would DH still be happy to stay home then? Will he be able to find work at that point? Are there other long-term benefits (like a pension) that DH would be losing out of?

If you go back to working 60 hours a week (which is crazy, BTW), and DH goes back to working full time, who will be in charge of household duties? Who will ensure that LO's daycare clothes and bottles are ready? Both DH and I work 40 hour weeks, and I find that the amount of housework and the work to get DS' stuff ready for daycare can be overwhelming at times. It takes a lot of planning ahead. I'm assuming if you work 60 hour weeks and DH works 40 hour weeks, he's willing to pull a lot of the weight of the household duties. Make sure that he is.

DS has been in daycare since 4 months, and it was rough at first. But now, I am happy as a working mom. We may have been able to survive on DH's salary, but I find my work fulfilling. Also, I work in a really small field, and if I quit my job, I would have a hard time finding a job when I wanted to return to work in a few years. Also, I have a pension at my job, and I get great health insurance for the family. Long term, those benefits will pay off.

Could your DH continue to work part time and then put your LO in daycare part time? That may ensure that your LO gets more attention from a parent, and your DH gets fulfillment from working.

Emerald27 · October 2013

My DH was a SAHD to DS while he was job hunting. I worked full time from when DS was 3-8 months, and when DH finally got a job, we were able to afford for me to stay home (my ultimate dream job). It was very hard on DH to be a SAHD, but our situation was different: in our case, DH felt like he wasn't providing for us, he was easily frustrated by DS who refused bottles and fussed all day, and then melted into my arms in the evening and reverse cycled, and he struggled with the knowledge that I was supporting us despite my desire to be a SAHM. It was rough.

That said, at the same time he and DS have the strongest bond. Despite how rough it was at the time, DH does look back fondly on the fun times they had. He likes to remind me that he knows what it's like to be a homemaker (usually in the context of grumping that something didn't get done, at which point I say that it's harder when they're 2 and he says that it's not because he didn't have boobs. Lol).

IMHO, I would really make this decision based on the following things in this order:

1. DH's preference
2. Money (how important is that little bit extra DH would get from working)
3. Your and DH's comfort level with sending DS to daycare

There is always the possibility of finding a quieter, more AP minded daycare with a good caregiver:infant ratio. And looking specifically for a caregiver who respects your wishes regarding how DS is looked after.

Tough decision! Good luck!

opheliainwaders · October 2013

I don't know whether you live in a place where this is an option (it would probably be easier in a city), but instead of day care, we are sharing a nanny with another family that also has an infant daughter. That gives us the best of both worlds - our nanny used to work at a daycare, so she brings some of the "routine" (I hesitate to say schedule) that both babies seem to love, but we get a smaller ratio of infants:caregiver (here, it would be 4:1 in a daycare, vs. 2:1), and it actually wound up being significantly cheaper than full-time daycare, and it allows both families to be more flexible about things like when we (mututally) determine if a kid is too sick to join for the day, how long to store breastmilk before tossing it, etc.

ncbelle · October 2013

You've gotten lots of good advice so far. Honestly, I don't think it's "better" for a kid to be in one place over the other if they are in a loving environment. I personally prefer to have my kids at home until school age but not because I think daycare is "bad" or anything. DH has just become a SAHD; previously we were both in school and worked part time so we switched off. I've just returned to work full time and he just works weekends. It works for us but he loves doing dad stuff.

Really I think it needs to come down to what your DH feels is best for him and what the balance is going to be like for your family with you working so much (household chores, etc.).

blu-eyedwife · October 2013

I agree with ncbelle. I don't think that there's a "better off" answer. I think it really depends on the individual circumstances. I think it is fantastic for children to be at home with a loving caregiver that is able to really devote time and energy to them. I think it is fantastic for children to be at a daycare with providers who help stimulate them in a group atmosphere. Both have their benefits, and both have their drawbacks.

If your DH really wants to be a SAHD, I wouldn't dissuade him from it. Children of SAHPs find other ways to socialize. I mean really, they all start school eventually anyway, so there's no real rush. And there are plenty of opportunities for your DH and son to enroll in music/art/sports classes so he gets some socializing in before that and learns group dynamics.

On the other hand, it certainly is not imperative that DH stay home if he doesn't want to. The right daycare is a great place for children to grow and thrive. Some are much more AP/baby-led than others. Personally, I feel like my son gets way more out of daycare than he does at home with me - but again, that's individual based on me, my family, and the daycare we have.

NoeK · October 2013

We were recently in a similar situation..DH decided to take a leave of absence from work to see if being a SAHD worked for him if it didn't he could always go back to work. After the 6 weeks LOA was up, there was no doubt he made a great SAHD and we avoided alot of issues that arise with having to deal with DC's. My suggestion would be for your H to take either a LOA or maybe 2 weeks worth of vaca and see how he likes it. If it doesn't work for him he can always go back to work

StefandTodd · October 2013

I consider myself to be a pretty AP parent, and I am thrilled that my children go to daycare. I chose a nurturing environment and I pay attention to their comfort level there and their happiness, and they thrive there. I think happy parents make for a happier home which is what's better for baby, so if your H is happier working, I would lean to that for sure. In our house, someone would be resentful, and our children would know that, if one of us stayed home full time.

erbear · October 2013

I don;t think one is better than the other. Mine are daycare kids (have been since 6 months and 8 weeks, respectively) and they are happy, well adjusted kids. I didn't want to stay home and we couldn't afford for DH to. However, had he been able to, we would have considered it (at least for a while) and that would have been fine too. They would have gone to preschool starting around 3 regardless.

ivy_leaf85 · October 2013

Thanks for all the responses. It's really comforting to hear about those of your LOs who adapted quickly to going to daycare.

To answer questions & clarify:
I'm an accountant, so the 60 hours is temporary, but recurring about 4 months per year.

Both when considering sort term & long term effects, my DH is really unsure about whether he'd prefer to be a SAHD or continue working outside the home. He is an artist, so his career path is very nonlinear. Taking an extended time off from his day job would not necessarily be a significant set back. He'd still continue to create (freelance & his own projects). However, I think I know him better than he knows himself sometimes. And I think his day to day satisfaction will be higher if he's working outside, at least part time.

Household chores barely get done during busy season. We keep up a certain minimum standard (ds will of course have clean bottles & clothes) but honestly we'll eat out allot, laundry & dishes will pile up and by April 15th nothing will be organized or tidy anymore.

I think that 3 days/week of daycare & my husband working might be ideal. Not sure if that's possible though. Most daycares here either don't do part time or charge almost as much as full time. If DH is working part time & we are paying FT daycare rates (even if DS only goes PT), we may literally be paying for DH to work

We are checking out a local daycare tomorrow. We'll see what we think in person.

ivy_leaf85 · October 2013

PS - I'm especially happy to hear so many "AP" babies (and their mothers) are fine with daycare.

musicalmama5 · October 2013

An accountant and an artist! Wow! Opposites attract, huh?

Good luck with the decision. It's a big decision, but I'm sure you and your DH will make the one that's right for your family. And remember, whatever decision you do end up making doesn't have to be permanent! You can always change your mind.

spratt3 · October 2013

I would just keep in mind that if your DH doesn't want to be at home as a SAHD, your kid will certainly pick up on this, and that won't be best for your kid. I saw this as a big red flag in your first post, when you said that you thought DH would be happier working.

On the other hand, I personally wouldn't want my child in full time day care as an infant. For a variety of reasons, I think babies are better off when they can bond with a single carer, and I don't think there's much social benefit from daycare as an infant and potentially drawbacks (nanny share sounds a lot better if you can swing it). Not to start an argument here--just my personal opinion, others are completely free to disagree.

That said, if you have to choose between a daddy who is staying home with baby but doesn't want to, or daycare, I would still choose daycare. Just get as high quality (1:3 ratio ideally, low staff turnover, happy kids) as you can.

On another note, do you really have to work 60 hours a week? That sounds really, really hard. Is there anyway at all you could reduce those hours?

skibunny59 · October 2013

spratt3 said:

I would just keep in mind that if your DH doesn't want to be at home as a SAHD, your kid will certainly pick up on this, and that won't be best for your kid. I saw this as a big red flag in your first post, when you said that you thought DH would be happier working. On the other hand, I personally wouldn't want my child in full time day care as an infant. For a variety of reasons, I think babies are better off when they can bond with a single carer, and I don't think there's much social benefit from daycare as an infant and potentially drawbacks (nanny share sounds a lot better if you can swing it). Not to start an argument here--just my personal opinion, others are completely free to disagree. That said, if you have to choose between a daddy who is staying home with baby but doesn't want to, or daycare, I would still choose daycare. Just get as high quality (1:3 ratio ideally, low staff turnover, happy kids) as you can. On another note, do you really have to work 60 hours a week? That sounds really, really hard. Is there anyway at all you could reduce those hours?

All of this!

skibunny59 · October 2013

ivy_leaf85 said:

Thanks for all the responses. It's really comforting to hear about those of your LOs who adapted quickly to going to daycare. To answer questions & clarify: I'm an accountant, so the 60 hours is temporary, but recurring about 4 months per year. Both when considering sort term & long term effects, my DH is really unsure about whether he'd prefer to be a SAHD or continue working outside the home. He is an artist, so his career path is very nonlinear. Taking an extended time off from his day job would not necessarily be a significant set back. He'd still continue to create (freelance & his own projects). However, I think I know him better than he knows himself sometimes. And I think his day to day satisfaction will be higher if he's working outside, at least part time. Household chores barely get done during busy season. We keep up a certain minimum standard (ds will of course have clean bottles & clothes) but honestly we'll eat out allot, laundry & dishes will pile up and by April 15th nothing will be organized or tidy anymore. I think that 3 days/week of daycare & my husband working might be ideal. Not sure if that's possible though. Most daycares here either don't do part time or charge almost as much as full time. If DH is working part time & we are paying FT daycare rates (even if DS only goes PT), we may literally be paying for DH to work We are checking out a local daycare tomorrow. We'll see what we think in person.

How about an in home daycare?

emberlee3 · November 2013

I am lurking, but I have to say it is a misperception to think that daycare does not equal consistent caregiver. Each child has a main teacher. Both my children have thrived at daycare and have bonded very closely with their teachers.

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