Feeling so down about baby shower :(

katyb507 · November 2013

My mom wants absolutely nothing to do with throwing me a baby shower. She feels my friends should be hosting and my friends keep asking me if my mom has decided on a date yet thinking she's throwing the shower. I've pretty much kept silent about the whole thing because honestly my feelings are just so hurt and I don't want to deal with it, so I haven't actually told anyone there is no shower. My mom and I are actually very close but she's super old-school and traditional so there's nothing anyone will tell her that will convince her it's ok for the mother of the mom-to-be to host. Even though she knows the vast majority of my friends had their showers thrown by their mothers or sisters (I'm the only girl in my family so no sisters.) Am I really wrong about this or are your showers being hosted/co-hosted by your mothers?

morsey2011 · November 2013

My mom had nothing to do with my shower, except that some of her friends co-hosted it. I think I would tell your friends that your mom isn't comfortable throwing you a shower and let them take the lead. I'm pretty old school when it comes to showers though.

slwprincess · November 2013

Sorry hun, but your mom is right- she should NOT be throwing you a shower. Next time your friends mention it, you should probably let them know that your mom won't be hosting. Maybe they will offer. Sounds like they me be hinting at it anyway.

mamacrunch · November 2013

Honestly in today's society I think it is perfectly acceptable to for a mother of the MTB to host, but it is unacceptable to force anyone to throwing you a shower.

If I were you I'd tell my friend's at this point no one has offered to throw me a shower and my mom is traditional, so etiquette says she can't.

Your friends will either be like Ah she needs us to throw her one or they will just not do it. I don't think you should say anything else to your mother about it. It is unfair to her to feel uncomfortable about the thing.

Codypup · November 2013

Why don't you just tell your friends that your mom isn't throwing you a shower?

tasogirl1 · November 2013

I thought a mother ( if she's in the picture) is the one who throws it??

slwprincess · November 2013

tasogirl1 said:
I thought a mother ( if she's in the picture) is the one who throws it??

No. The idea is that your mother should not be soliciting gifts for her own child. My mom was certainly involved in helping with my showers, but my aunts/cousins/friends were the actual "hosts."

katyb507 · November 2013

I guess it's more that I feel badly she doesn't want to if that makes sense. I actually never said a word to her about it until she asked me today which of my friends was hosting and I blurted out that they think she's hosting. I feel uncomfortable about it because my 2 closest friends have a ton going on right now - one just had her 2nd baby a week ago and the other is having a bit of a life crisis - the last thing on her mind is a baby shower and rightfully so. I guess it's all just bad timing and the truth of the matter is my husband and I are fortunate enough to be able to purchase everything we need for the baby. I never felt like a shower was about getting gifts, but more about being able to celebrate with the people I love most. Maybe I'm just being hormonal/emotional today. Thanks for the responses ladies, I do appreciate getting some outside perspective

PeachLove25 · November 2013

My sister is planning mine but having it at my moms house because it's a central location and big. My mom is also a pastry chef, so I'm sure her hands will be in the planning and baking. If people want to roll their eyes, they can. I think if someone's mom wants to host or be involved- go for it.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Your friends probably assume your mom is taking the lead because that is what theirs did. Can you let them know your mom isn't comfortable with hosting? I bet someone will step up for you!

VeronicaAnn143 · November 2013

I know traditionally it's a no no but my mom and two friends hosted one in NY and my MIL, SILs, and 3 friends are hosting one here. I get the tradition though.

Meghan14 · November 2013

golfergirl08 said:

As PPs have said, traditionally, it is considered against etiquette for a mother to throw her daughter a shower, for the reasons PPs gave. Actually, I think according to the rulebooks on etiquette, no immediate family member should be throwing the shower. I think nowadays it totally depends on your family and friends and how they feel about things. My sister is throwing mine, and my mom is helping out a bit.

That being said, it was completely my sister's idea. I would never ask for a shower. I understand being upset about possibly not having one, but there isn't much you can do in that situation. However, from what you said, I think it is a strong possibility that your friends will throw you one once they know your mom isn't throwing it.

EXACTLY THIS.

micaelasmakeup · November 2013

It's a no no in my social circle too, in fact I think GTB hosting is less acceptable than 2 and 3 showers. (In my circle)
Tell your friends my mom doesn't want to she thinks it's tacky. Maybe they'll take the hint!

keags5496 · November 2013

I think I'd be bummed too. I know traditionally moms don't do showers, but my mom and sister threw mine and all my family and friends have done the same. I'd make it clear to your friends that your mom isn't planning one. If it were me, that'd be my signal to get my butt in gear.

katyb507 · November 2013

Thanks again everyone, I think you're all right and I should just be honest that my mom isn't comfortable doing it. I have some really amazing friends and I'm sure they'll take care of it. And if not, it really is ok - I'm just being sensitive and need to pull it together!!

Virgo&Aquarius · November 2013

I know plenty of people whose mom threw them a shower, it never seemed not right to us. My mom died before DD but my aunt with the help of my sister and SIL threw mine. I understand where your hurt is coming from. I know that none of my friends or family can really afford to or ate at places in their life to give a shower for me even though they have mentioned it plenty of times... Like too many times to count! They want to but I feel it would be too much on them. I've just kind of dismissed the idea in my mind and a few times verbally.

Unknown · November 2013

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MamaAllison · November 2013

What Keags said. Also, if you truly only care about a celebration for the baby, you CAN throw yourself a meet the baby party after LO is here!

katyb507 · November 2013

MamaAllison said:

What Keags said. Also, if you truly only care about a celebration for the baby, you CAN throw yourself a meet the baby party after LO is here!

Didn't think of that - that's a really good idea, thanks!

katyb507 · November 2013

Madisonpenny said:

I'm in the same position except my friends know. No one is throwing me a shower regardless of this. I'm sad about it but there's nothing I can do.

I'm so sorry. We might just end up being in the same boat, so don't think you're alone!

RedSoxGirl10 · November 2013

Ugh, some of the "traditions" surrounding showers annoy me a lot! I know that in the past it was not considered okay to have a mother host her daughters shower, but really- all that does is put unnecessary financial burden on your (most likely) young friends, who may not live in a place big enough to host a party.

My mom is very traditional- she did not have a baby shower herself and said she did not even ever attend one until one of my friend's invited her last year. But even still, she is throwing me a shower (with help from my sister and best friend)- she wouldn't want to put this on my friends. I didn't have a bridal shower because I really had all I needed for my house already so I don't think I have been crazy gift grabby or anything.

Anyway, in your situation, I think you should tell your friends and hopefully they will throw you one. But I don't agree with your mom, just a personal opinion

iwubrory · November 2013

Madisonpenny said:

I'm in the same position except my friends know. No one is throwing me a shower regardless of this. I'm sad about it but there's nothing I can do.

I'm sorry for both of you. Not having someone willing to throw me a shower would bum me out too.

katyb507- you really should let your friends know what's going and and let them decide if they want to throw you one.

Lilla496 · November 2013

I live in a really small town so things are bit informal here. My mom and relatives are throwing mine and some of the guests are helping out with food. Traditionally, here the showers are almost a potluck sort of deal where everyone insists on bringing something. DH and I don't necessarily NEED one either but they are nice to have. I'd mention to your friends that your mom is uncomfortable doing it. Maybe they're looking for permission in an indirect way.

monkeybutt61612 · November 2013

My mom planned all of my and my sister's showers. Sorry about your situation, that does suck.

MissDemeanor · November 2013

katyb507 said:

I guess it's more that I feel badly she doesn't want to if that makes sense. I actually never said a word to her about it until she asked me today which of my friends was hosting and I blurted out that they think she's hosting. I feel uncomfortable about it because my 2 closest friends have a ton going on right now - one just had her 2nd baby a week ago and the other is having a bit of a life crisis - the last thing on her mind is a baby shower and rightfully so. I guess it's all just bad timing and the truth of the matter is my husband and I are fortunate enough to be able to purchase everything we need for the baby. I never felt like a shower was about getting gifts, but more about being able to celebrate with the people I love most. Maybe I'm just being hormonal/emotional today. Thanks for the responses ladies, I do appreciate getting some outside perspective

I understand about having your feelings hurt, no one that I know of is planning on having a shower for me either. Maybe because they feel financially we can buy everything ourselves? Not that that is why I want one. I mentioned it briefly to my mom, and all she said was she thinks registries are tacky. I guess I just wish I had someone who is excited to celebrate this baby.

I agree with other posters about telling your friends if they ask that your mom won't be hosting. I'm planning on doing what MamaAllison suggested, having a party in the spring so our friends can all meet LO.

amerk1107 · November 2013

My mom is much the same way, and since you mom isn't why not mention that nobody has offered to throw one. I am not having a shower as nobody has offered to throw one for me.

Dexter&11 · November 2013

My friends organising, but it'll be at my house, so I s'pose technically I'm hosting my own shower and breaking all the rules

boogerbearoriginal · November 2013

I agree with PPs, next time they ask about the date just say "Mom's really traditional and doesn't feel comfortable hosting a shower so she's not throwing it." And leave it there, they will decide if they can/want to throw one. IMO that's not "asking" for one, just answering the question lol.

Sorry you're feeling bummed, I know a shower isn't a "right" or whatever, but it's a bummer when you feel like people aren't excited about the baby - even though I'm sure your Mom and friends are all very excited

SavannaM+ · November 2013

Dexter&11 said:
My friends organising, but it'll be at my house, so I s'pose technically I'm hosting my own shower and breaking all the rules

This is happening for me too, but I don't consider myself as hosting. My house is bigger & will be able to fit more people. It is clear based on the invites that my friend is hosting & she will do the hosting duties at the party. That being said, yes, I'm going to have to make sure my house is clean & presentable & be ready early enough for her to get everything set up, but I don't think that means I'm hosting.

AKAP2010 · November 2013

Actually I believe your mom is wrong. It usually is the mother who throws the baby shower. The mother is not suppose to throw the bridal shower. My mom threw me my baby shower with help from a friend.

Nikkijo1022 · November 2013

Wow I had no idea the thing about the mom. My mom lives in my hometown about 3 hours away from where I live now. My friends are throwing me a shower where I live now... But back home it's her. Not a lot of my friends still live back home but family does. I think it would be worse to expect one group to drive 3 hours so I'm having 2 showers. Like others have said, your friends can't know how your feeling If nothing is mentioned. And I don't think it's rude to say anything about mom not hosting. GL!

KatieKT · November 2013

You need to tell your friends that your mom won't be hosting one for you. I kind of hope that they all have one planned for you and it's a surprise.

I understand your mom not wanting to host because of etiquette. BUT, at the expense of you not getting a shower? I am sorry that she didn't try to coordinate something with your friends or in laws.

Your friends can't plan you a shower if they don't know you aren't having one. Some people might not think that a shower is a big deal but so much of our baby gear was gifted to us at my showers, I can't imagine skipping it.

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