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Blended Families
+just+j+
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XH's latest family drama
+just+j+
member
XH called to discuss DD and a few things in regard to his weekend.
At the end of that he tells me that his cousin's daughter M (who lives here in town) and is a serious meth head, had another baby and her sister A is in town, and staying with him because she is going to adopt the baby. M has already lost 2 children to foster care.
M tested positive for meth and tried selling the baby for $1000 to her own damn sister. The baby almost died. You know damn well that poor child is already addicted to meth. A is going to have a long road raising this baby. I give her a lot of credit, but this is pretty much par for the course with that family. M is already starting to threaten A, but A has a lawyer and DHS is working with her - the adoption will go thru in the next month.
XH gave M $40. I told him he was an idiot for doing that. Now she'll be knocking on his door for more. She already complained to a family member that XH should have gotten them a rental car or something while they got on their feet. This is the classic crazy ass entitlement that numerous members of XH's family have. I told XH he better make sure DD isn't around that trash.
He also tells me that XSD and her son are coming for a visit too. XH hasn't seen his grandchild yet, and from what I understand there are still some issues between them. (what's new). There always will be. XH said that he will not leave DD alone with her per the CO, so I am going to just trust that.
All I can say is I am SO happy not to have to deal with that crap anymore. And get ready R. I knew this would happen. His family will be now testing you to see how giving and wonderful you are. This is just the beginning of more drama to come and to contend with. I hope you're better dealing with it than I am.
I just made it clear to XH that if certain people move into that house with him and R, that I will be pissed off and it will be in violation of the CO. He tells me he knows I won't tolerate that, so hopefully I can take him at his word.
"he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
This discussion has been closed.
Re: XH's latest family drama
XH said after he heard from family how M wanted more out of him he realized his mistake.
I hope so.
I do not envy R. She is about to get a real taste of XHs life. That gate had opened.
You are way too invested in K's relationship w/ R. I know that part of this is coming from wanting to warn the woman population away and part is from you having the hindsight and wisdom to see clearly the manipulation you were put through when you were "young and dumb".
YOU CAN'T SAVE HER!
Stop caring and let her make her mistakes. She gets to be a big girl. You know if she were on this board you probably wouldn't even recoginze her story and her version of you based on his verision of you and all his counted and uncounted ex's.
I am tell you this with care b/c I wanted to despretely warn all GFs away from my ex and his violent bipolar ways and his crazy family. BUT this board actually helped me to understand is the more I wanted to warn her about him, the more it proved to her that he was right about me. I'm crazy, I'm not over him, he had to get away from me and my controlling behavior. Even the actions of trying to co parent w/ irrationals, proved to her I was the problem.
Right now let's look at your actions and engaging from her in-LURVE point of view:
You've moved twice ( unstable and probably got fired for drinking on the job or whoring in the copy room)
You filed for bankrupcy w/ him and made him lose all credit and house (and of course you must have had a shopping addiction and all those drugs)
You had it written in the CO that his family can't be around your DD (proof of controlling and alienation tendancys)
You wouldn't allow his daughter and grandson visit and it's been almost a year and he's never met him.
You asked him to watch DD for a week while you were "away on business" (you know that means you're whoring and drugging it up)
Then you took it away saying your mother will do it
Then you gave it back (probably b/c your own family wants nothing to do with your whoring and drugging ways)
You sell all of DD's toys and ONLY let her have one or two that you gave her alone so you can separate her from her father
HE just can't work with you, you're irrational and he doesn't understand why all the mothers of his children keep them away from him.
1. disappearing act BM w/ 2 DD's that he gave up custody to so the SF can raise them ( has the most well adjusted kids)
2. BM of SD and SS probably is crazycakes in her own way but he's done an equal number on those kids too.
3. You....still hurt b/c you tried so hard...DD needs to be the focus and will start manipulation sooner than you think.
Stop caring who pays the bills in their relationship
Stop caring that she's being played
Stop caring what they spend their money on
even these thoughts that (while being vented here) still come out in your actions w/ them. The smallest eye roll will have tons of proof that his story is true and he was again the victim of crazy women.
HE is and EXPERT VICTIM. That's what he's good at and it works for him. Guess what no matter how much feet holding to the fire you do he will remain that victim.
Sincerely,
the 11 years ex of an expert victim
All I'm saying is I feel sorry for her. I get what you're saying, but if she sees me that way on any level - she's going to figure out real quick as to why. Just like I did.
She knows his mom is a meth head, and now another meth head relative has appeared. Even I saw red flags and ignored them so I am just saying that I know where she's coming from. That's all.
As far as XH, I've stepped way back and I don't get near as worked up and worried as I used to about DD in this. While I still worry a little and always think of how this could potentially affect DD, I am trusting him more. I reminded him about the CO, and I already know XSD flipped her sh*t on him and they had high drama recently. There is no way XH can hide her crazy, so I am not worrying about that either. I made my peace in regards to XSD. I no longer care about her and I have not had a stressed out post about her in quite a while.
It was a good conversation with XH and I'm not bent out of shape about it like I would have been just a few months ago. I'm just shaking my head and grateful that this time, I get to get a box of popcorn and watch from a distance instead of be a part of it.
I also don't care if I seem a little BSC right now. Jesus. I know she doesn't think I'm that big of a whack job that you painted! LOL! (and yes, it was funny) I know I have a lot of healing to do. I've improved a lot I think but still have a ways to go. I'll get there.
Tonite when I told XH about the annulment, we discussed how recent our separation and divorce was. He and I agreed all of this happened too recent and we're going to struggle. Regardless of what picture he paints of me to her - he knows I get passionate about DD and argue with him because I care. He said that to me. And he's right. I know he feels the same.
I also told him that I know I have to let go of a lot of things, but I'm working thru it. That's why I changed my mind about the Chicago trip. If that makes me BSC...I don't care. I realized I need to let go of the control, but I'm not sorry in a way because it pushed him too do the right thing. Not the best way to go about it I admit...but, it's time she and I meet. A better time is not going to happen, so let's just get it over with and move on so we are not mysteries anymore and make shit up about each other.
I'm just happy XH and I went to our own corners without a yelling match in front of DD. We're not perfect, but we're getting better.
I am renewing my Catholic faith. I pretty much abandoned it when I was with XH. I'm getting an annulment thru the Church so I can receive the sacraments again. I can not receive communion.
In order to do that I had to confess and do penance and now I have to pull together all my church and legal records and ask the Church Council to annul my civil marriage. Out of courtesy, they contact XH and he gets an opportunity to argue the case. I didn't want that to be a surprise to him. I explained that I needed to do this to re-join the Church. He took it well, and said he understood.
It was a little emotional.
I actually have hope for the two of you as co-parents as long as you don't expect him to reach the high bar. I don't know about his previous relationships and their ends, but it sounds from your posts like your divorce has been painful for him. As well as you, of course. I hope that despite the conniving victim he plays, he can see the efforts you make for what they are and take them.
Then again, maybe I am just a little too quick to see the good in people, even when it's not there.
Yes ambrvran. Divorce is painful for us as it is for anyone but XH could not trust the previous exes. They didnt work with him like i try to do with our child. I think sometimes he doesnt know how to deal with that. I also see the good in people to quickly. Obviously. I take this all with a grain of salt.
J, I am glad it went well for you and hope your annulment does not take forever. DH's was in NJ but during all the scandal from Cardnal Law etc.
Wahoo -I just looked at my forms. The correct term is "dispensation". But I've talked to two priests and they have called it an annulment.
It's essentially the same thing and process. The Church Council still reviews and grants me the opportunity to join fully as a Catholic and receive all sacraments again, which I want to do. It's been extremely cathartic for me to go thru this process. Coincidentally the new Pope is starting discussions on communion for divorced Catholics just this past week.
Also, if I ever want to get married again, I won't have to go thru the annulment. I'm told I'll have the dispensation within 30-60 days of submittal to the diocese which is here in town. I think actual annulments have to go thru the Vatican which is probably why it takes so long.
XH admitted in our lengthy conversation yesterday that he will have a hard time when I start dating and he said that more than likely he will be an ass about it. We laughed about it. He also confessed that he had a hard time with my success in my career. He was jealous. I have little sympathy for this because even tho he would probably not make as much as me ever....I have great respect for anyone who works hard, including low paying blue collar workers. If he had just worked hard, contributed a respective amount of his salary to our financial situation, I would have thought very highly of him and we wouldn't have had to file bankruptcy. He didn't do that. I didn't say that to him because he is not owning that part of it yet, and probably never will. But it was really good to hear him admit some of it.