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March 2014 Moms
SamJustice
member
Briefly talked with FI (from FFFC)
SamJustice
member
First, I really wanted to thank every one that posted on FFFC about this. It gave me the confidence to speak my mind even if briefly. I know I lurk more often than I post, and all of the support really meant the world to me. I don't have any friends or family, just acquaintances that I could never tell anything to. Thank you all so much for just being so wonderful.
Very long story cut short: A friend was nice enough to watch DS so we could have a private conversation (in the car at Walmart). Basically, what it's come down to is trial separation while seeing a therapist. We both agreed to see one by ourselves as well as a marriage counselor together. We may be able to piece things back together eventually. We'll see.
Now the very long version.
For starters, I was 15 when we started dating. He was older and had his own place. When I was 16, my mom told me to find a new place to live (another long story in itself). Anyway, he took me in and we've lived together ever since. I thoroughly believe this is one of the biggest mistakes in our relationship. Anyways, last night we 'celebrated' our 7th year together. Over the course of our relationship, there have been countless fights, break up, and make ups. Since about our third year together, I've always suspected him of cheating.
I can't count how many times I've snooped through his emails or texts and found extremely inappropriate things to random girls he met on the internet, whether through Craigs List or some dating site. I've found things as harmless as him just needing some one to vent to and talk with or sincerely looking for friends to sexting and exchanging certain pictures (but never actual physical contact, at least that I could prove). After a break up, I always found myself groveling back to him because, let's face it, I was young and pathetic with an incredibly low self esteem and practically no self worth.
I thought we had finally worked through and gotten past everything when he proposed. Two months after getting engaged, I found out I was pregnant with DS and everything was perfect. We almost never fight (more so, we actually get along). I, admittedly, still go through his emails and texts every now and then but have thankfully come up empty. It's been really nice and I've actually been happy. Finally feeling like I HAVE a family for the first time in my life.
Then, he took a job in May that would take him cross country for days or weeks at a time. Still, nothing seemed amiss and everything was going well. After a particularly long run (lasting four weeks), he finally gets back home in late August. It was after DS's second birthday. He is very forthright and tells me he emailed this (again single) girl on Craigs List who was looking for like minded friends. He added her on facebook and was really pushing for me to friend her as well. This immediately sparked an outrage with me given our history. He gets angry because I have "no right to be" and thus starts one of our only big fights in three years. He goes on and on about how I need to get over my insecurities, he doesn't know how much longer he can deal with, etc. He's allowed to have female friends without me getting jealous. He even offers to let me go through his email. I do eventually go through his email and find that this girl was just an innocent looking-for-a-friend type. Whew.
Then I go through the sent folder. I find three different ads on craigslist looking for a "fuck buddy" that he replied to. I flip my shit. Uncontrollable screaming and crying and throwing stuff ensued. Not gonna lie. He swears to me that he's been hacked, probably by an ex-roommate we haven't spoken to in years. The ads all claim the girls are "BBW" amongst other disgusting details. I'm a big girl. 5'6'' and 260. But these girls clearly had 50+ pounds on me (note: I am NOT saying anything against larger woman. I only add that they were bigger than ME because it is very relevant). FI uses the "I'm not attracted to BBWs" as his biggest, and only, argument as to how he "clearly" didn't send these emails. "Why would I want to have sex with some one I don't find attractive?"
Eventually, we get past it. I still think he sent the emails and I still think he's lying to me. And this doubt of him has just been boiling up inside me and making me so resentful of him. And just when I was starting to doubt myself and think of how stupid I was, I go through his phone. I know he downloads porn. I am 100% aware and okay with it. He usually tells me what he and when he watches. That's not the issue. The issue is that since those emails, I've noticed that he downloads some videos and pictures only to be deleted right away. A few days ago, I did some more digging and found that he wasn't super careful about deleting these images completely off his phone. Some of this videos included women labeled as BBW (same as the emails that he "isn't into").
This new information is what I've been holding onto the last couple days. Finally, I just couldn't take pretending nothing was wrong. We had a conversation about it the car. He is still claiming innocence in all this but I'm done. I'm done being lied to. I'm done being treated like I'm stupid. I'm done with putting up with this type of behavior because I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. Or staying with him because I have no where else to go. I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, but I would much prefer that than to subject them to parents that despise each other.
He is staying with his friend's house and I will be heading to local homeless shelter until our house is fixed up. Then, we agreed, DS and I can have the house and he'll continue staying with his buddy. Hopefully, through the counseling, we can at least be civil enough with each other for him to move into the spare room in the basement until our lease is up and we can each find our own places. Maybe we will be able to pull through and get back together.
Very long story cut short: A friend was nice enough to watch DS so we could have a private conversation (in the car at Walmart). Basically, what it's come down to is trial separation while seeing a therapist. We both agreed to see one by ourselves as well as a marriage counselor together. We may be able to piece things back together eventually. We'll see.
Now the very long version.
For starters, I was 15 when we started dating. He was older and had his own place. When I was 16, my mom told me to find a new place to live (another long story in itself). Anyway, he took me in and we've lived together ever since. I thoroughly believe this is one of the biggest mistakes in our relationship. Anyways, last night we 'celebrated' our 7th year together. Over the course of our relationship, there have been countless fights, break up, and make ups. Since about our third year together, I've always suspected him of cheating.
I can't count how many times I've snooped through his emails or texts and found extremely inappropriate things to random girls he met on the internet, whether through Craigs List or some dating site. I've found things as harmless as him just needing some one to vent to and talk with or sincerely looking for friends to sexting and exchanging certain pictures (but never actual physical contact, at least that I could prove). After a break up, I always found myself groveling back to him because, let's face it, I was young and pathetic with an incredibly low self esteem and practically no self worth.
I thought we had finally worked through and gotten past everything when he proposed. Two months after getting engaged, I found out I was pregnant with DS and everything was perfect. We almost never fight (more so, we actually get along). I, admittedly, still go through his emails and texts every now and then but have thankfully come up empty. It's been really nice and I've actually been happy. Finally feeling like I HAVE a family for the first time in my life.
Then, he took a job in May that would take him cross country for days or weeks at a time. Still, nothing seemed amiss and everything was going well. After a particularly long run (lasting four weeks), he finally gets back home in late August. It was after DS's second birthday. He is very forthright and tells me he emailed this (again single) girl on Craigs List who was looking for like minded friends. He added her on facebook and was really pushing for me to friend her as well. This immediately sparked an outrage with me given our history. He gets angry because I have "no right to be" and thus starts one of our only big fights in three years. He goes on and on about how I need to get over my insecurities, he doesn't know how much longer he can deal with, etc. He's allowed to have female friends without me getting jealous. He even offers to let me go through his email. I do eventually go through his email and find that this girl was just an innocent looking-for-a-friend type. Whew.
Then I go through the sent folder. I find three different ads on craigslist looking for a "fuck buddy" that he replied to. I flip my shit. Uncontrollable screaming and crying and throwing stuff ensued. Not gonna lie. He swears to me that he's been hacked, probably by an ex-roommate we haven't spoken to in years. The ads all claim the girls are "BBW" amongst other disgusting details. I'm a big girl. 5'6'' and 260. But these girls clearly had 50+ pounds on me (note: I am NOT saying anything against larger woman. I only add that they were bigger than ME because it is very relevant). FI uses the "I'm not attracted to BBWs" as his biggest, and only, argument as to how he "clearly" didn't send these emails. "Why would I want to have sex with some one I don't find attractive?"
Eventually, we get past it. I still think he sent the emails and I still think he's lying to me. And this doubt of him has just been boiling up inside me and making me so resentful of him. And just when I was starting to doubt myself and think of how stupid I was, I go through his phone. I know he downloads porn. I am 100% aware and okay with it. He usually tells me what he and when he watches. That's not the issue. The issue is that since those emails, I've noticed that he downloads some videos and pictures only to be deleted right away. A few days ago, I did some more digging and found that he wasn't super careful about deleting these images completely off his phone. Some of this videos included women labeled as BBW (same as the emails that he "isn't into").
This new information is what I've been holding onto the last couple days. Finally, I just couldn't take pretending nothing was wrong. We had a conversation about it the car. He is still claiming innocence in all this but I'm done. I'm done being lied to. I'm done being treated like I'm stupid. I'm done with putting up with this type of behavior because I'm afraid no one else will ever love me. Or staying with him because I have no where else to go. I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, but I would much prefer that than to subject them to parents that despise each other.
He is staying with his friend's house and I will be heading to local homeless shelter until our house is fixed up. Then, we agreed, DS and I can have the house and he'll continue staying with his buddy. Hopefully, through the counseling, we can at least be civil enough with each other for him to move into the spare room in the basement until our lease is up and we can each find our own places. Maybe we will be able to pull through and get back together.
February 19, 2010- BFP!
March 14, 2010- M/C
January 17, 2011- BFP!
April 26th, 2011- It's a boy! Due September 20, 2011
May 2, 2011- Confirmed Gastroschisis
August 7, 2011- Labor begins
August 12, 2011- Max is born
October 4, 2011- Max comes home!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Briefly talked with FI (from FFFC)
Hope everything goes ok for you.
2nd FET 6/14/2013 - BPF!!! -
1st Beta: 1046!!!!! - 2nd Beta: 2754!!!!!
First u/s 7/11/2013 - TWINS!!! 120 and 124 heartbeats
Second u/s 7/29/2013 - wiggley babies! 178 and 184 heartbeats!
Third u/s 9/9/2013 - 157 and 161 heartbeats ... a BOY and a GIRL!!!! Cervix on the "shorter side" (3-3.3) - going to check again in 2 weeks.
Fourth u/s 9/23/2013 - Baby A = 157 Baby B = 150 heartbeat. Cervix now 2.3-2.6 ... being referred to a MFM
MFM Appointment 9/26/2013 = Both babies healthy, cervix now measuring at 4 - Playing tricks on me ... will follow up in 2 weeks.
Cervical check 10/7 with regular OB - 2.1cm --- going BACK to the MFM armed with ultrasound pictures from my OB of my cervix. *sigh*
MFM Appointment 10/8 - confirmed my cervix at 2.1cm - putting me on Progesterone for a week.
MFM Appointment 10/17 - Cervix unchanged! Keeping me on Progesterone - followup 10/29
Everett Alan James (3lbs8oz) and Eliana Lee (3lbs7oz) born 12/28/13 at 30w6d!
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I hope you guys can find some peace in resolution or in a clean break. And I really hope you don't ever experience this again!! Big hugs!
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
I know the type all too well. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't end well. Trust is not an easy thing to recoup. And emotional cheating (i.e. his convo's on the downlow) is just as bad as physical cheating, if not worse. If he needs to talk to someone, you should be first on his list.
I'd say clean break is the best way, but you have DS with another on the way so he has to be involved at least in their lives. You can, however, close the door on the romantic relationship and move on with your life. You HAVE to believe that things will get better even without him. There are men out there that will love you so well you won't have to feel like you need to look over your shoulder all the time.
Yes, he will continue staying with the friend we are currently with. They were friends long before I came around and I feel it would just be incredibly awkward for me to stay. The house should be done on Monday, so it will just be a weekend thing. We aren't even going to be telling anyone of the split just yet. At least not until we know for sure things absolutely will not work out. Honestly, FI has been really great to me and this family, past indiscretions aside. He's always been the gentleman, always made sure our son and I were taken care of first and foremost. He's never laid a hand on me (which is a very huge deal for me. Let's just say my childhood wasn't all puppies and rainbows).I would like to eventually try to repair things, but I'm just not sure if I can at this point. I don't just want to give up on something otherwise beautiful and amazing so easily.
In my experiences I have generally seen that if you can't trust him and you're constantly having to snoop, either you will find something you don't want to see or he'll end up resenting you.
This is going to be a hard situation. Focus on yourself & your DS. You both deserve better.
Little Man arrived 3/28/14 at 10:32pm
9 lb 1 oz & 21 3/4 inches
I'd like to cyber-slap him in the face...
I had a very similar situation with my ex, and even though I tried to work through it with him, the trust was completely gone. I was a paranoid wreck all the time, and in my case my paranoia turned out to be correct. You do not want to live your life worried every day what he may or may not be doing.
Focus on your children and yourself. You do NOT need him!