FIL as child care - not happening!

MamaAllison · November 2013

So we will need childcare for DD2 for about a month when I need to go back to finish out the school year (I'm a teacher). We've had family discussions that we'd prefer to have a nanny or someone in our home as opposed to sending a tiny baby to DC. I'm not totally against the DC - we love our center and DD1 is amazingly happy there, I guess I was just spoiled because I got to spend the first 11 months home with the DD1 and so I'd like to have DD2 be at home for as long as possible! Anyway, last night FIL offered to baby-sit for that month. FML. FIL is an alcoholic (although DH and SIL refuse to admit it b/c MIL only comes and cries to me... that's another story for another day though), besides that he smokes and he has to take a 3 hour nap each afternoon. He routinely will sleep through family celebrations if they occur during nap time - like he will fall asleep on the couch amidst the craziness and not wake up. So I'm pretty sure he would sleep through a baby crying. This morning DH and I got in a fight because I'm a bad person because I don't want FIL to watch a tiny helpless infant for a month! I was accused of "Taking away one of the best options for childcare". Seriously? When I asked him why his dad was one of the "best options" he said that it was because he lived close by and he was free. That is ridiculous! The welfare of the child is not being considered at all with those reasons. Anyway - kudos to you if you made it this far in the post, it felt good just to get it out. Any suggestions on smoothing this over with DH (while still getting my way) would be appreciated.

Thanks ladies.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

Honestly, when it comes to the welfare of my child, I wouldn't be all too concerned about smoothing things over. I think your DH needs to be hit over the head ove rand over to really GET IT that FREE childcare is not "optimal" when the person is an alcoholic who takes long naps every day.

It would simply be a firm "NO - this isn't going to happen".

melody921 · November 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Honestly, when it comes to the welfare of my child, I wouldn't be all too concerned about smoothing things over. I think your DH needs to be hit over the head ove rand over to really GET IT that FREE childcare is not "optimal" when the person is an alcoholic who takes long naps every day.

It would simply be a firm "NO - this isn't going to happen".

All of this. You need to put your foot down on this one.

bullybutt · November 2013

Nope, nope, nope. My dad is a smoker and sleeps all day long. There is NO way that I would trust him with my kid (really any age under 10). You will have to do your search to find a reliable sitter on your own and let your husband know that you've done all the legwork and have everything set up and ready to go for that month that you are at work. Good luck.

MamaAllison · November 2013

Oh trust me. It is NOT happening. I am just hoping not to start WWIII over it with DH, but if that's what has to happen, it will.

thedash · November 2013

I'm sure you can politely decline to your FIL but you have a DH issue. I don't think you need to smooth things over with him because you are not wrong here.

QueSrah · November 2013

You could skip over the being an alcoholic part (because that's probably a hot-button issue) and focus on the part where your FIL takes long naps and isn't likely to wake up for a screaming baby. Remind your DH of the likelihood that your baby would need attention for a good part of FIL's nap time, and a baby just can't wait indefinitely for a diaper change, a feeding, a burping, etc. every day for a month. Remind your FIL that he can sleep through the craziness of a family gathering if it happens during naptime, and that you can't adjust your work schedules so that you can be home in time for his nap. Watching a baby all day for a month is a lot harder than hanging out with a baby for a few hours here and there, and sometimes people need to be reminded that it's hard work that needs a person with the energy and drive to attend to the baby.

RibbitGrl930 · November 2013

I agree with PPs and am glad you are not budging. If FIL is able to sleep during family gatherings, then you are right to predict he would provably sleep through your baby's crying, and that is not cool.

MamaAllison · November 2013

mainerocks said:

Your FIL is an an alcoholic and yet YH would be OK with him watching your LO? I am seriously concerned about YH's parenting judgement. Yikes. Does he think that FIL won't drink when watching LO? I can't wrap my head around this one.

I know! In DH's defense he most likely would not drink while watching LO. He did watch my SIL's first baby for a little bit when she went back to work, but it was a slightly different situation (SIL and BIL work different hours so it wasn't like he would be doing 10 hrs/day like he would for us). But the bottom line is, the best I can say is that he PROBABLY wouldn't drink - I can't completely trust him because I just don't know. And that is a risk I'm unwilling to take!

FemShep · November 2013

Have you thought of bringing up the problems with secondhand smoke, even when someone isn't actively smoking around the baby? The evidence is pretty clear that smoke continues to attach to clothes for some time after the cigarette is smoked. Between the secondhand smoke and the inability to wake in response to baby's cries, there shouldn't be any debate.

aglenn · November 2013

That's a tough situation, but really it doesn't matter what the reasons are, you are not comfortable and that is all DH needs to know. He won't like it, but it's just a fact.

This is not the same situation but my ILs live on the opposite coast but visit fairly often, and they are always saying DH and I should leave the kids with them and go out to dinner or do an overnight away. I won't do it, and they are not alcoholics or anything but they are just absentminded and constantly leaving the gate at the top of the stairs open, etc. It is just one thing after another every time they are here and I am just not comfortable, period. DH gets upset about it but I just can't even consider it.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

MamaAllison said:

Oh trust me. It is NOT happening. I am just hoping not to start WWIII over it with DH, but if that's what has to happen, it will.

I will say - this doesn't have to be WWIII. It just needs to be a FIRM "DH - I appreciate the allure of free childcare. However, for many reasons that we've already discussed, your father is NOT an optimal choice for childcare. He won't be watching our child for a month.".

He goes into "you don't like my dad!". "No, that isn't the issue".

"YOu don't trust my dad". "Yes, your'e right. I don't". Period.

Don't hash out all the issues again. Just be firm "He won't be watching our child".

shannm · November 2013

Your husband is nuts. Show him this thread.

82Sonia · November 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Honestly, when it comes to the welfare of my child, I wouldn't be all too concerned about smoothing things over. I think your DH needs to be hit over the head ove rand over to really GET IT that FREE childcare is not "optimal" when the person is an alcoholic who takes long naps every day.

It would simply be a firm "NO - this isn't going to happen".

Can't think of a better way to say it. Surely your husband knows that his Dad is a lazy alcoholic?

SunAndRain · November 2013

melody921 said:

EastCoastBride said:

Honestly, when it comes to the welfare of my child, I wouldn't be all too concerned about smoothing things over. I think your DH needs to be hit over the head ove rand over to really GET IT that FREE childcare is not "optimal" when the person is an alcoholic who takes long naps every day.

It would simply be a firm "NO - this isn't going to happen".

All of this. You need to put your foot down on this one.

As usual ECB said it all!

I simply quit caring about what our families think when it comes to DD's welfare. She is my priority. I'm quite lax but seriously, one would have to be insane to leave their child in the care of the person you described

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