MIL Care Provider?

Amatadei16 · October 2013

When we announced our pregnancy to my in-laws, my MIL immediately mentioned that she was thinking of cutting back her work hours to two days a week and said she'd like to take care of our LO when I go back to work.

While we were struggling with fertility treatments, I anticipated she might offer and mentioned to my DH that I wouldn't be comfortable with his mom having such open access to our child or our lives because she had always struggled with respecting boundaries. He agreed at the time but now he doesn't seem to understand my concerns and is borderline-offended that I don't want her to be a consistent care provider for our LO. I truly do love and respect my MIL and won't mind her babysitting on occasion but opening our lives up to such open access by her makes me nervous.

Is this a battle I should fight? Has anyone had experiences with their MIL (particularly one who has a history of disrespecting boundaries or your wishes) being a caregiver to your LO? Advice? Thanks all!!

Amatadei16 · October 2013

I like the way you put that. I tried to say something similar to DH but he just kept insisting that, if his mom did something with which we are uncomfortable or against our wishes, he'd just talk to her. I kept reminding him that her MO when confronted is to cry, apologize profusely, and then keep doing whatever she wants to do and that that could end up being messy and awkward.

Out of curiosity, what did you get in writing? I'm even a little concerned about her watching our child for more than a few hours. Obviously, I want her to be a part of our child's life but even my husband admitted that crazy things like her having our child baptized (we aren't going to do baby baptism) when he/she is in her care are not out of the realm of possibilities. So I'm just curious about what things you outlined for your MIL. I'd like to get some ideas for future convos with my DH and eventually MIL.

GreenMonkey1 · October 2013

My MIL has major boundary issues and watches DS once a week. When we announced our pregnancy she suggested watching DS all 5 days - I knew that wasn't reasonable as did DH (thankfully). I was really nervous about her watching DS just one day. My Mom and sister, both who know our challenges with MIL, recommended we at least give it a try - that it wasn't fair to assume things would go south.

MIL watches DS at her house - it's a major PITA and causes some of its own problems (like fighting with MIL about childproofing), but avoids her invading our neighborhood. Thankfully she only lives about 10-minutes away so it isn't a huge problem in terms of dropping off/picking up.

In terms of open access, about what are you concerned? I definitely agree with @PrivacyWanted that it is hard to have to cut the arrangement if it is not working. There are many days I have wished we never let MIL watch DS because making a change is going to beyond hard. You have to go with what you and your husband are comfortable. Perhaps identifying what about access gives you nervous feelings will help open up the conversation with your DH.

Maybride2 · October 2013

IMO, yes - this is absolutely a battle worth fighting. You BOTH need to be 100% comfortable with your childcare provider, so if you're uneasy you need to be upfront about it. I love my MIL and am ok with her babysitting on occasion, but no way would I want her being our primary childcare.

Amatadei16 · October 2013

@greenmonkey1, there are a few different areas where I am concerned. She has a tendency to do what she wants and then apologize for it later or claim she didn't realize it was a breach (and then keep doing it). So I worry that she will do things with which we don't agree if she believes it is better for our child (I mentioned earlier that neither of us would put it past her to have our child baptized while in her care b/c we have decided not to do infant baptism. But also things like food/nutrition, medicine vs remedies if the LO is sick, who else has access to our child, esp. my SIL, who is a whole mess of irresponsible but who can do no wrong in MIL's eyes and who lives with ILs... And, if she were to watch our child at our place, it just opens up this whole ambiguous situation about what is off-limits-- our finances, our mail, our medical records, our phone calls? Where would the line be, especially for a woman who has yet to find an acceptable one when it comes to her adult married son and his wife).

Additionally, she is one of those "I don't want to tell you what to do but..." moms and the idea of having to hear a daily litany of how to raise our child just makes my skin crawl. I'm already struggling with the fact that I (and my DH) won't be the only one raising our child (combo of maternal instincts and control freak, I suppose) and the idea of this woman feeling like she knows more about my child than I do just about does me in. She already feels like she has the right to tell DH and I how to live our lives and I can only imagine it will be exponentially worse when her grandchild is involved.

My husband sees a lot of the boundary-crossing that his mom does and has often said that there is no talking with her because she won't listen or she'll deflect or make excuses or whatever. Yet he seems to think that in this instance, a conversation is going to fix things when she oversteps (which to me already seems like a reactive way of dealing with this). Last time we talked about this, he perceived my concerns as me saying she could never watch our child and got really offended. When I explained that my concern was more about her being the primary care provider, his response is that 2-3 days/week is not primary and thought that that would assuage my hesitation.

I mean, are my concerns reasonable or do they sound petty?

DTNZ4Ever · October 2013

My parents watch DS they respect our rules, schedule and don't let DS get away with anything. It has worked our great over the last 4.5 years. My ILs on the other hand babysit when we have date nights so every six weeks or so for a couple of hours before DS' bedtime. They let DS do what ever he wants disregards our rules etc. I've learned to let it go since its only a couple of hours every few weeks. However I would never let them watch DS every week. Since it takes me 2 days to get him back on track only after a couple of hours.

Mustardseed2007 · October 2013

Yeah, no, do not have her watch your child.

I also had a very positive experience with having relatives watch my child, but they were relatives I was 100% comfortable with and so was DH. We never would have undertook it otherwise.

If either of you are not comfortable (ie if you or your DH is not comfortable for a certain family member providing DAILY care for your child and being pretty up in your business about your life and your baby) then you need to have the power of veto.

I think you are really smart to recognize that this isn't going to be a winning situation for your family and will just end up bringing stress to your marriage and to your otherwise generally positive relationship with your MIL.

Anyone who literally cries when having a conversation about your wishes will not be a good fit for childcare.

Divallyn · October 2013

I wouldn't do it. My friend who is a child psychologist for the provincial government said kids in care of relatives tend to develop the slowest. Now, I realize this is a complete blanket statement but it might help you in convincing DH otherwise. Another thing he told me is after the age of one you definitely want other kids around for your child if they are in a child care situation as they benefit from it greatly. Before the age of one it doesn't really make a difference as long as they get the love and attention they need. Good luck!

ccam · October 2013

My SIL watches DS twice a week. Although she loves him and he loves seeing his older cousins when they get home from school, the whole situation is just awkward, for me anyway. I feel like I can't ask or tell her certain things because I'm afraid I'll hurt her feelings. You have to go with your gut. If you don't feel right about it, it will not work. I regret making these arrangements but I would probably break her heart if I took him out of there and put him into daycare full time.

daisy662 · October 2013

I would never allow my MIL to watch my son regularly. In fact, I don't like her watching him at all which hurts my DH's feelings because I don't hesitate to leave him with my mom. My mil has a total disregard for my direction and passive aggressively makes comments about how I do things. Fortunately she isn't around but once a month or so. If I were you, I would not agree to this arrangement. I just don't believe in burdening family that way regardless of the situation. Even if my mom wanted to watch DS regularly, I probably would only be ok with one maybe two days per week. I like the structure and learning involved at his daycare center.

jf198400 · October 2013

We had my mom watch both kids when they were little. It worked well for us b/c my mom and I are very close and she respects my decisions. However as the kids got older I wasn't thrilled with the foods she let them eat, the amount of tv she let them watch, etc. these are things I could deal with occasionally but not everyday. It was also getting to be too much for my mom with 2 active kids, and they really needed more socialization. So we switched to FT DC. My mom still watches them when they're sick or DC is closed and sometimes she'll pick them up from school just to help me out. This situation works much better for us now.

I would talk to your mil about wanting to use DC for the socialization and also so she is not "tied down to you" and you're not scrambling for backup if she is sick or on vacation. Ask her if she would help you out when DC is closed rather than on a weekly basis. This will avoid a lot of awkwardness over why you don't trust her to watch your child.

LoCarb · October 2013

Based on what you mentioned above this is definitely a battle worth fighting for. Her suggestion of being the caregiver sounds like it will be a huge strain on your relationship. Like PP mentioned spin the discussion to the positives of DC. Ask if she will be a back-up and you prefer her to be a g-ma and not the sitter.

FemShep · October 2013

You're absolutely right to fight this battle!

Fundamentally, you both want what's right for your LO. One of the things that's really important for a child, especially in the first 2 years, is routine and consistency. Kids do best when they know what's going to happen. I don't think it would be unreasonable to want to use the same caregiver 5 days a week for that reason alone. There's also a ton to be said for centers that document everything; it makes it much easier to understand and maintain a consistent routine. Many care providers will also not take an infant part-time, so you may have problems finding care in that way.

It sounds like your DH is aware of your MIL's issues, and has seen reason in the past. I'd approach the conversation in a few ways. First, acknowledge that you do want your ILs involved in your LO's life, and you think that's incredibly important. Then talk about your concerns about respecting boundaries, your final authority as parents, and following your instructions based on your past experiences.

I'd then follow up with saying that the worst case scenario would be to have MIL watch LO, be unhappy with her care, and have to find new arrangements; MIL would be very hurt and logistically it would be difficult. Instead, propose a consistent care provider for your LO, with MIL watching the baby perhaps for a few hours each weekend or one evening every other week. You and your H would get time together, your MIL would get time with the baby, and you get to maintain your sanity and boundaries.

Finally, a word of advice from a working mom who's had 2 kids in daycare, and who grew up with a single parent working mom. No one else is raising your child. You and your H create your child's home. You instill your child's values. You provide love and support for your child like no one else. The more people in your child's life who love and care for him, the better-but don't ever think for a moment he won't know who Mommy and Daddy are.

rubber_chicken · October 2013

Stand your ground on this. Better to have one awkward conversation now than 100 awkward conversations every week in the future. And if she pouts and cries now, just point to her reaction as Exhibit A.

MamaAllison · October 2013

Amatadei16 said:

@greenmonkey1, there are a few different areas where I am concerned. She has a tendency to do what she wants and then apologize for it later or claim she didn't realize it was a breach (and then keep doing it). So I worry that she will do things with which we don't agree if she believes it is better for our child (I mentioned earlier that neither of us would put it past her to have our child baptized while in her care b/c we have decided not to do infant baptism. But also things like food/nutrition, medicine vs remedies if the LO is sick, who else has access to our child, esp. my SIL, who is a whole mess of irresponsible but who can do no wrong in MIL's eyes and who lives with ILs... And, if she were to watch our child at our place, it just opens up this whole ambiguous situation about what is off-limits-- our finances, our mail, our medical records, our phone calls? Where would the line be, especially for a woman who has yet to find an acceptable one when it comes to her adult married son and his wife). Additionally, she is one of those "I don't want to tell you what to do but..." moms and the idea of having to hear a daily litany of how to raise our child just makes my skin crawl. I'm already struggling with the fact that I (and my DH) won't be the only one raising our child (combo of maternal instincts and control freak, I suppose) and the idea of this woman feeling like she knows more about my child than I do just about does me in. She already feels like she has the right to tell DH and I how to live our lives and I can only imagine it will be exponentially worse when her grandchild is involved. My husband sees a lot of the boundary-crossing that his mom does and has often said that there is no talking with her because she won't listen or she'll deflect or make excuses or whatever. Yet he seems to think that in this instance, a conversation is going to fix things when she oversteps (which to me already seems like a reactive way of dealing with this). Last time we talked about this, he perceived my concerns as me saying she could never watch our child and got really offended. When I explained that my concern was more about her being the primary care provider, his response is that 2-3 days/week is not primary and thought that that would assuage my hesitation. I mean, are my concerns reasonable or do they sound petty?

The bolded is why I think you need to have a really direct conversation with your H. I feel this way and we send DD to a center - it is really hard to feel like someone knows your child better than you do. If you already have concerns about that person then this situation is only going to multiply them. I say "Back away slowly"

GreenMonkey1 · October 2013

Amatadei16 said:

@greenmonkey1, there are a few different areas where I am concerned. She has a tendency to do what she wants and then apologize for it later or claim she didn't realize it was a breach (and then keep doing it). So I worry that she will do things with which we don't agree if she believes it is better for our child (I mentioned earlier that neither of us would put it past her to have our child baptized while in her care b/c we have decided not to do infant baptism. But also things like food/nutrition, medicine vs remedies if the LO is sick, who else has access to our child, esp. my SIL, who is a whole mess of irresponsible but who can do no wrong in MIL's eyes and who lives with ILs... And, if she were to watch our child at our place, it just opens up this whole ambiguous situation about what is off-limits-- our finances, our mail, our medical records, our phone calls? Where would the line be, especially for a woman who has yet to find an acceptable one when it comes to her adult married son and his wife). Additionally, she is one of those "I don't want to tell you what to do but..." moms and the idea of having to hear a daily litany of how to raise our child just makes my skin crawl. I'm already struggling with the fact that I (and my DH) won't be the only one raising our child (combo of maternal instincts and control freak, I suppose) and the idea of this woman feeling like she knows more about my child than I do just about does me in. She already feels like she has the right to tell DH and I how to live our lives and I can only imagine it will be exponentially worse when her grandchild is involved. My husband sees a lot of the boundary-crossing that his mom does and has often said that there is no talking with her because she won't listen or she'll deflect or make excuses or whatever. Yet he seems to think that in this instance, a conversation is going to fix things when she oversteps (which to me already seems like a reactive way of dealing with this). Last time we talked about this, he perceived my concerns as me saying she could never watch our child and got really offended. When I explained that my concern was more about her being the primary care provider, his response is that 2-3 days/week is not primary and thought that that would assuage my hesitation. I mean, are my concerns reasonable or do they sound petty?

No, not petty at all. Based on what you are indicating are your concerns this would definitely be a battle I would fight. What you are talking about are issues greater than her telling you what she thinks you should do, but actually going out and doing those actions without your permission and sometimes explicitly knowing you would not approve.

My MIL is definitely a "it's easier to apologize than ask for permission" person and it has caused serious strain. We've had one serious sit down conversation (which did nothing) and DH has gotten stronger in telling them what they have to do (which resulted in MIL yelling at DH), but he needs to be more consistent. In the end, for us, it is going to result in us putting DS in a fourth day of DC (DS is with my Mom the other day of the week). It is going to more than suck. We are going to be lambasted by MIL and she is going to probably run her mouth (of course, the commentary will be not all true) to the extended family and mutual friends. So, total suck and probably for a prolonged period. But, we have to do what is right for DS and for us.

It is hard for me to get DH to really acknowledge issues about his mom, but he too sees her behaviors as toxic. And we've now been around the block regarding having a conversation with her after she does something she knows she isn't supposed to - doesn't work, or it works for two weeks then we're back to square one. I think other responses had great ideas about talking up the benefits of DC and asking MIL if she could be back-up. But in the end, you do not have to give her a reason why and I would advise (from experience) not to give too many reasons why. You are selecting DC and would appreciate if you could call on her for back-up, date nights, etc. Then leave it at that, even if she pushes.

michaelaskedlauren · October 2013

All of other ladies have given you some great advice. One thing I have definitely learned as a Mom is that it is your right as a parent to not do something that you are not comfortable with when it pertains to your child.

If you are not comfortable having your MIL watch your LO, dont do it. It is not worth the stress or strain on the relationship with your MIL and potentially your DH as well.

skibunny59 · October 2013

You really have to feel comfortable. My mom watches DD everyday but MIl takes her one day a week (her request) when she's here. MIL goes on vacation a lot so there are weeks when she's with my mom everyday. My mom is a retired teacher and does TONS of activities everday with DD. They go to the library, play outside, do arts and crafts, etc. My mom can be a huge PITA sometimes. She does criticize my parenting choices and most times when I have a request for her she does complain about it and get a little defensive but at the end of the day, she does respect my wishes for the most part.

I'm pretty laid back but I just ask that DD eat healthy foods and have limited tv time. My mom obeys my wishes for these things. My mom and I are also very close so I am happy with her being our primary childcare. And I see how happy DD is and how much she's learning everyday and how much my mom loves her. For us having my mom has been a lifesaver.

With my MIL it's different. MIL loves DD but just kind of watches tv and is on her computer all day while DD plays independtly with her toys. They don't even go outside or leave the house most days. I'm not crazy about this but it's one day a week so I don't make a big deal.

I don't think I would ever have MIl watch DD fulltime. I'm much more comfortable with my mom than my MIL and I'm much more comfortable telling my mom things.

skibunny59 · October 2013

Nicb13 said:

Divallyn said:

I wouldn't do it. My friend who is a child psychologist for the provincial government said kids in care of relatives tend to develop the slowest. Now, I realize this is a complete blanket statement but it might help you in convincing DH otherwise. Another thing he told me is after the age of one you definitely want other kids around for your child if they are in a child care situation as they benefit from it greatly. Before the age of one it doesn't really make a difference as long as they get the love and attention they need. Good luck!

Oh. I'd love to see some research on this Poor DS is screwed staying with my mom part of the week and another family member the rest of the week!

I also thought this was funny. My DD is with my mom most of the time and with MIL some of the time and I can tell you she is not behind. She's 19 months and says over 100 words and can identify 7 letters. She's always been right on target with developmental milestones like sitting up, crawling, walking, etc.

Also, your statement would mean that all children of SAHM's are developmentally behind.

Amatadei16 · October 2013

Thank you ladies for the reassurance and great advice! I'm definitely going to be well-armed for another go at this conversation with my husband and for the eventual convo we'll have with his mom.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

Late to the party, but I just wanted to voice that I agree- this is ABSOLUTELY a battle I would fight.

Your DH needs to realize that you and he having a child isn't going to magically change his mom. It's just not. What she does now (cries, apologizes, then does what she wants) is exactly what she'll continue doing.

I could share a few stories, but I won't - all i'll say is that I've learned the lesson full on that YOU having a child WILL NOT change other people. It's sticking his head in the sand if he really refuses to "get" this.

Good luck.

melody921 · November 2013

Amatadei16 said:

And, if she were to watch our child at our place, it just opens up this whole ambiguous situation about what is off-limits-- our finances, our mail, our medical records, our phone calls? Where would the line be, especially for a woman who has yet to find an acceptable one when it comes to her adult married son and his wife).

I mean, are my concerns reasonable or do they sound petty?

This alone would be reason enough for me to say that no, you are not being petty. That's BS. She needs to learn to respect boundaries no matter what, but I certainly wouldn't have her in your home if you know this is how she is.

rubber_chicken · November 2013

come back and let us know how it goes!

APendola · November 2013

My MIL doesn't work and would love to watch DD...lucky for me, she lives in a different country.

If you do decide to try having MIL care for LO...maybe tell her that you plan to move LO to a daycare at age xx months. That way you have an out and there will be no surprises.

AEBlair06 · November 2013

I could write you a novel on the subject! I will try to keep this brief. I have always had an odd relationship with my MiL. Both IL's are retired and offered to care for our son while I was pregnant (he is now almost 5). I had concerns off the bat, they had watched my niece full time plus weekends until she went to school, and they have made a mess of her, but my BiL and SIL let her do whatever she wants, so their fault too. My husband and I are intelligent, and want/don't want specific things for our children. We got them to 'agree' to following our wishes. We also paid them weekly, so they should have followed our rules. They did not, it caused me huge amounts of stress and anxiety! My MIL refused to follow what I wanted, including at points not following current safety guidelines! My husband didn't want to get in the middle, so stayed out of it, but it caused us a lot of grief. At 15 month old, we found a home daycare in our neighborhood. I never felt anxious with our son there! She was on the same page of child raising as us, and has been awesome! I still have major issues with my MiL, and my husband and I have had arguments over the years about it (husband is not close with his mom, so it makes it even more odd). If you can find any other child care solution, please do! If your relationship with the IL's is already difficult, this will just add to it! They can be an occasional babysitter, but trust your instincts! I should have trusted mine!!! Sorry so long, it jut makes it so tough when you depend on family to take care of your most precious baby and they screw it up! You also don't need the stress of fighting with your husband over his parents, that just doesn't go over well. Good luck!!!

82Sonia · November 2013

Don't do it! My MIL offered to watch DD one day a week for 3 months. I thought it was going to be great. It would save us a little money, help her transition to 4 days a week DC instead of just throwing her right in almost full time, and she'd get to spend time with Grandma.

It was a huge pain the ass. We wanted to pay her but she wouldn't hear of that. Of course she decides after one day of doing it, that's it's an awful lot of work and she's not sure she'll be able to do it every week. Plus it's kind of expensive for her to drive over once a week. Do we really need her every week? WTF lady? You're the one who volunteered to do it and we gave up our 4 day a week spot so she could.

I was extremely happy when the 3 months were up and we could put DD in DC 4 days. It was so much less stressful and frankly, she gets better care at DC.

SunAndRain · November 2013

Another vote for fighting this battle!

My friend confides in me that she is so frustrated with her MIL's overbearing ways and input in to how her two girls are raised. BUT, she concedes that this is cost savings that they need and she has little say in the matter since she has no leverage! So she grins and bears it. Ultimately her girls are amazing and thriving but I'm sure it is frustrating for her.

For me personally, I couldn't be so accomodating. MIL was visiting for a week and I am seriously annoyed that she insisted on spoon feeding my toddler who is perfectly capable of feeding herself. My goal is to help DD develop and become independant. And MIL in one week set back weeks of effort to get DD to feed herself without throwing food across the room. Certainly, this is minor in the grand scheme of things and I know MIL just wants to dote on DD, but it causes me avoidable headaches and as a working mom (who is bumping mid-day;) ), I don't have patience for that.

Amatadei16 · November 2013

My husband has always struggled with the conflict between being a loyal, loving, "good" son and his feelings about his mom's behavior. For example, he will insist we go over for dinner because we haven't gone in a little while and then as soon as we walk in the door, he is tense and defensive and short with everyone because she immediately starts with the hovering (she gets super offended if he doesn't hug and kiss her hello right away), manipulation, nagging, pushing, etc. So when the subject came up between the two of us when we were undergoing fertility treatments, we were in total agreement that MiL as care provider was not wise. But once the offer was actually on the table, it made the situation real. So instead of hypothetical "yeah that's a terrible idea a we'll put the kibosh on it right away," he's now dealing with the idea of hurting her feelings, making her sad, and being perceived as a bad son. And you know, at the end of the day, we can complain about our families all day long but when someone else does, well, you know...

I will def keep you all updated! I've started dropping hints that I'm fighting this fight-- you know, mentioning some daycare options near us that come highly recommended, suggesting we start looking since some have wait lists, and suggesting we curtail our spending a bit more in order to build a buffer in our finances for DC expenses. My hope is, when I don't feel like I got run over by the 1st Trimester train, to have a real conversation with him that outlines what you ladies have mentioned and hopefully saying it in neutral, intelligent ways that will get past the "you're so critical of my mom" shield had has recently put up as a result of the last botched attempt I made at broaching this subject.

Nancy1250 · November 2013

My best friend had an issue with her MIL caring for her DD (not respecting boundaries, commenting on how she ran her house, treated husband, etc). The solution? MIL stopped coming to her house. Best friend starting dropping baby at her MIL and picked her up. No more MIL staying around. And days that she found someone else to watch her (her mom, sister, etc), she just wouldn't take her that day.

Hope this helps. It almost ruined her marriage and her relationship w in laws. Good luck!

EastCoastBride · November 2013

Amatadei16 said:

So instead of hypothetical "yeah that's a terrible idea a we'll put the kibosh on it right away," he's now dealing with the idea of hurting her feelings, making her sad, and being perceived as a bad son.

But he's about to become a father and he needs to worry 1- about being a good husband, and 2- a good FATHER. You and your child have to come before his mom.

ANd honestly- if he feels you're critical about his mom now, a GREAT way to strengthen your relationship and make those bonds stronger is to put her in the role of taking care of your child and most likely not listening to you. Yes - you will like her even more after all this....

I hope you read the sarcasm in the above. Because the serious side to what I jsut wrote - if your feelings (and HIS, for that matter) about his mother as questionable, bringing her into the role of caregiver is only going to make things worse.

married2matt · November 2013

MIL watched the older two off and on for about the first 4 yrs and let us just say while the childcare was free, it came at a huge price.

To this day she still has issues with boundaries when it comes to my children. I'm expecting #3 and she's offered to watch her part time. It's so very tempting but DH and I both agree it's not in our best interests. She's already overly involved in our lives and to add this would just put me over the edge when it comes to my relationship with her. If anything she'll watch the baby one day a week and will outsource the other four. This seems to be a decent compromise where we (DH and I) make the decision that is best for our family without MIL feeling too much rejection.

Short answer, if you don't need her to watch your child for financial reasons - the don't do it!

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