Stupid, stupid FB... (long, pregnancy mentioned,not mine)

p3ngu1n · October 2013

A pregnancy that is not mine is mentioned below.

I mentioned this in the throat punch thread, but now I need some more advice please. If I'm posting too much you can all tell me to shut up.

DH and his best friend, "B" had a falling out a while ago. They are now in the process of repairing their friendship and I am trying to support that. B and his wife announced their first child not long after my last m/c, which was hard on me. The falling out happened not long after, so I didn't have to deal with it much (the falling out had nothing to do with the baby, btw.)

Recently, my husband and B have begun to talk and hang out again and repair their friendship. Low and behold, she announced on facebook yesterday that she's pregnant with #2. I am trying so hard to not be a b**** and be happy for them, but I am really, really struggling with it. And then when I find myself feeling bad I berate myself for not being a better person and I feel worse. It's a bad downward spiral.

So with it being Halloween, and her having just announced her pregnancy babies are all over her FB page, and all over my newsfeed. Pictures of her son in his Halloween costume, discussion on how to tell him about the new baby, discussions that next year she will have 2 to dress up, congratulations still trickling in, ultrasound pictures, etc.

I don't want to unfriend her, that wouldn't be conductive to DH and B repairing their friendship. And a lot of our conversations involve "oh, did you see the new pictures of {son} on facebook?" or "I saw on FB that you tried that new restaurant" (I know, this is not how friendships should go, but again: it's rocky, we're all trying to rebuild it and this is what passes for small talk with us. B's wife and I are trying very hard to be friendly so that the guys can have their friendship back.) Because of this I don't feel like I can take her off my newsfeed, if something comes up in conversation I will look like the b**** that I am. I can't really avoid facebook, either, because I am very active with Relay For Life and a lot is done through our FB group. Also it's how my family and I stay in touch since we live so far away from each other.

I just don't know how to handle this.

Also, they know that I'm a good crocheter. They have not asked me to make something. I gave one of the blankets I had already made and intended to donate (I did not make it specifically for him) to their son when we started speaking again. I don't have any extras laying around this time; should I make one for the new baby? How can I not? I'm a paranoid person and if I don't make one I will worry every time we see them that in the back of their minds they're wondering where their blanket is.

Am I making too big of a deal out of this? We are TTCing. For all I know we will get pregnant in the next few months too, and maybe that could be something she and I finally bond over. Or for all I know we will never have a child.

I'm just an emotional wreck, and DH won't be home for 2 days. So, sorry ladies, but you're who I have to turn to. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

I say hide her from your newsfeed for now and if something comes up just be like "Oh, I didn't see that post." I feel like I don't see a lot of people's posts I don't have hidden so it wouldn't really be a stretch.

As far as the blanket, make one if you want to, but if you're not up for it, then don't. It was a gift. If they're going to hold it against you that's their issue, not yours.

PinkCamino · October 2013

Hider her from your newsfeed she'll never know you did it and you wont have to see the photos and status updates.

p3ngu1n · October 2013

ninthgirl said:

Just an etiquette note - it will help ladies who are having a hard day if you edit the title of your discussion to add (warning: pregnancy mentioned, not mine). Also you may want to post that at the top of your thread.

Oh, I'm sorry! Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will edit my post.

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

p3ngu1n said:

I mentioned this in the throat punch thread, but now I need some more advice please. If I'm posting too much you can all tell me to shut up.

DH and his best friend, "B" had a falling out a while ago. They are now in the process of repairing their friendship and I am trying to support that. B and his wife announced their first child not long after my last m/c, which was hard on me. The falling out happened not long after, so I didn't have to deal with it much (the falling out had nothing to do with the baby, btw.)

Recently, my husband and B have begun to talk and hang out again and repair their friendship. Low and behold, she announced on facebook yesterday that she's pregnant with #2. I am trying so hard to not be a b**** and be happy for them, but I am really, really struggling with it. And then when I find myself feeling bad I berate myself for not being a better person and I feel worse. It's a bad downward spiral.

So with it being Halloween, and her having just announced her pregnancy babies are all over her FB page, and all over my newsfeed. Pictures of her son in his Halloween costume, discussion on how to tell him about the new baby, discussions that next year she will have 2 to dress up, congratulations still trickling in, ultrasound pictures, etc.

I don't want to unfriend her, that wouldn't be conductive to DH and B repairing their friendship. And a lot of our conversations involve "oh, did you see the new pictures of {son} on facebook?" or "I saw on FB that you tried that new restaurant" (I know, this is not how friendships should go, but again: it's rocky, we're all trying to rebuild it and this is what passes for small talk with us. B's wife and I are trying very hard to be friendly so that the guys can have their friendship back.) Because of this I don't feel like I can take her off my newsfeed, if something comes up in conversation I will look like the b**** that I am. I can't really avoid facebook, either, because I am very active with Relay For Life and a lot is done through our FB group. Also it's how my family and I stay in touch since we live so far away from each other.

I just don't know how to handle this.

Also, they know that I'm a good crocheter. They have not asked me to make something. I gave one of the blankets I had already made and intended to donate (I did not make it specifically for him) to their son when we started speaking again. I don't have any extras laying around this time; should I make one for the new baby? How can I not? I'm a paranoid person and if I don't make one I will worry every time we see them that in the back of their minds they're wondering where their blanket is.

Am I making too big of a deal out of this? We are TTCing. For all I know we will get pregnant in the next few months too, and maybe that could be something she and I finally bond over. Or for all I know we will never have a child.

I'm just an emotional wreck, and DH won't be home for 2 days. So, sorry ladies, but you're who I have to turn to. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hide her from your Facebook feed. If FB comes up, just say that you've been busy and haven't been on all that much. You can always ask them to relay in person what they said on Facebook so you can participate in the conversation (e.g. did you see that so and so said that new restaurant is great on FB? no, I'm not on FB all that much these days, what restaurant was it? did it look good?)

I think you are probably overthinking the blanket. If you want to make a blanket, make one. If you don't want to make one, don't.

Do they know about your loss? If so, you could also have an honest conversation.

p3ngu1n · October 2013

You're all right, thank you. I was overthinking and overreacting. I went on FB to do something for Relay and the whole top section of my feed was her posts and mutual friend posts about her son and the new baby. I overreacted and came "running" here to cry when the answer was obvious. I guess the timing of this is a little too much for me. We got the go ahead to TTC on Monday, and now this.

I'm honestly wondering if I'm emotionally ready to TTC.

Is there a way to just delete my original post? Should I just edit it to say "never mind!" ?

carlsonbaby2014 · October 2013

p3ngu1n said:

You're all right, thank you. I was overthinking and overreacting. I went on FB to do something for Relay and the whole top section of my feed was her posts and mutual friend posts about her son and the new baby. I overreacted and came "running" here to cry when the answer was obvious. I guess the timing of this is a little too much for me. We got the go ahead to TTC on Monday, and now this.

I'm honestly wondering if I'm emotionally ready to TTC.

Is there a way to just delete my original post? Should I just edit it to say "never mind!" ?

Please don't delete your post, it's frowned upon here. I'm so sorry about the timing of this. Have you considered having an honest conversation with her about your loss that is still so fresh? She might dial the talking-of-all-things-baby back a little bit in order to support you during this time out of respect.

ETA: FWIW, I am 4+ months out from my loss and I still select the "I don't want to see this" feature on my FB when a new friend couple announces. And I hide all feed from friends who post regular belly shots or pictures of their newborns. It's not that I'm not happy for them, but it's the boundary I need for myself to feel safe inside of my own FB world. It may be worth exploring a plan that will work for you when these types of announcements come up or are made.

p3ngu1n · October 2013

carlsonbaby2014 said:

Have you considered having an honest conversation with her about your loss that is still so fresh? She might dial the talking-of-all-things-baby back a little bit in order to support you during this time out of respect.

I think I need to bite the bullet and do this. I am hesitant to talk to her about it because of how rocky the friendship is. B knows about at least one m/c, I don't know how much DH has told him. At the very least I could just explain that I haven't seen her FB posts because I can't handle them right now.

Thanks everyone. Again, I'm sorry for the overreaction.

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

p3ngu1n said:

You're all right, thank you. I was overthinking and overreacting. I went on FB to do something for Relay and the whole top section of my feed was her posts and mutual friend posts about her son and the new baby. I overreacted and came "running" here to cry when the answer was obvious. I guess the timing of this is a little too much for me. We got the go ahead to TTC on Monday, and now this.

I'm honestly wondering if I'm emotionally ready to TTC.

Is there a way to just delete my original post? Should I just edit it to say "never mind!" ?

Don't worry about deleting or editing your post. Without a signature, so I am not sure of your history. If you don't have a medical reason to rush to TTC after a loss, it is worth spending some time making sure you are emotionally ready. I'm not saying that you are or that you aren't, just that it is definitely scary to jump back to TTC. Even if you are physically ready to TTC, it doesn't necessarily mean you are ready to emotionally. There is nothing wrong in taking the time your heart and head need to figure that out. (((hugs)))

dajhughes · October 2013

LeaLupins said:

I say hide her from your newsfeed for now and if something comes up just be like "Oh, I didn't see that post." I feel like I don't see a lot of people's posts I don't have hidden so it wouldn't really be a stretch.

As far as the blanket, make one if you want to, but if you're not up for it, then don't. It was a gift. If they're going to hold it against you that's their issue, not yours.

Yes this exactly.

AND if you ever feel like you have the courage enough, you may want to try just being honest with her and telling her how you feel. If you really want to build the relationship then honesty is the best policy. It can even be as casual as "Hey did you see that cute ultrasound pic I posted?" "No, I'm sorry, babies and pregnancies are still a bit tender for me right now." It may be that the thought never even occurred to her that it's hard for you (women who haven't experienced what we have don't even have a clue sometimes). That alone may be enough for her to realize that she should be more sensitive.

It's never easy. Sorry (((hugs)))

jap618 · October 2013

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. PP have had good advice (hide her on FB, talk to her about your losses if you're comfortable). No need to apologize we all go through it; especially when things are so raw. I hope it gets better for you soon (no need to delete).

jenkellen · November 2013

Everyone gave you great advice.

I think I am also reading in your post is...you feel guilty for having these feelings. For not wanting to see her baby or making a blanket. You shouldn't. Your feelings are valid, they are nothing to feel bad about. This is how all of us feel at times. Just remember the most important people in your life are you and your husband. Don't bend over backwards to please others to the cost of hurting yourself emotionally ok?

rattlecanqueen · November 2013

I agree with all the pps. nothing more to add other than ((( hugs))) I'm sorry you're having a rough time with this.

mrsd0930 · November 2013

Sorry you are going through this. I agree with others and say hide her from your newsfeed. I must have 20+ freaking KU friends "hidden" right now.

Stupid, stupid FB... (long, pregnancy mentioned,not mine)

Re: Stupid, stupid FB... (long, pregnancy mentioned,not mine)

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Stupid, stupid FB... (long, pregnancy mentioned,not mine)

Re: Stupid, stupid FB... (long, pregnancy mentioned,not mine)

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014