Bitter and Jealous

nkemery · October 2013

It's been two months since I learned of my missed miscarriage.
This weekend a friend from high school got married. She had her first child 2 years ago.

I was looking through her pictures and posts about the wedding, which struck me with jealousy anyway (I've recently had to postpone my own wedding plans for financial reasons, not that it's URGENT that we get married right now), then happened to get stuck in the dangerous loop of clicking through all her photos.

I was doing okay with the pictures of her and her daughter but then I got to one of her with her little 6 month bump. Then I clicked further, and found the ultrasound. You know the one, where the face is right up close and it's beautiful and breathe taking and I never got to have the for myself and I'm just furious and jealous and it makes me feel sick.

Overall, I'm doing really okay with coping with my grief. I'm able to live my day to day life without many disturbances.
Does anyone else just have these moments where something sends you off the edge. Like, lump in your throat, want to yell and scream and cry and damn everything because your life isn't working and other people seem to have it so peachy?

FishyMom · October 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. I have caught myself in that loop also. I deleted facebook about 2 weeks before my loss, and I am glad I did! Hang in there, hopefully you will find peace soon.

2009lovebirds · October 2013

Yes I have those moments. FB is a dangerous place for sure! One day after my loss, a former co-worker posted her ultrasound pic announcing her 4th pregnancy. It doesn't seem fair. My coping mechanism is to focus on how I can be healthier. Take care!

anna147 · October 2013

I know a lot of pregnant people right now, 4 fairly close to me. I am so excited for 3 of them and for some reason the 4th makes me so jealous and angry. I think because her due date is the closest to what mine would have been? Facebook- what a horrible thing right now. I can only imagine if all these babies start being born and I haven't been able to get pregnant again

lsugirljen · October 2013

I am sorry for your loss. I think the bitter/jealousy is all part of the grieving process. I just had my second miscarriage in four months. I had to go to work yesterday, though I am taking today and tomorrow off to deal with myself and go back to the doctor. Anyway, my secretary is pregnant and due in February. I am so excited for her as she tried for years to get pregnant. However, it was very hard for me to talk to her, much less carry on a conversation yesterday. She is just a reminder of what I don't have.

rox825 · October 2013

nkemery said:

Does anyone else just have these moments where something sends you off the edge. Like, lump in your throat, want to yell and scream and cry and damn everything because your life isn't working and other people seem to have it so peachy?

Definitely, I think it's normal. I'm not as far removed as you are, but I feel this all of the time- why do other people have such easy lives? The past 2 years have been one blow after another for us, not just dealing with infertility but other life issues as well, and then finally something goes right and it's taken away. It does seem like everyone else can get pregnant and have babies so easily and just stroll happily through life, and it's not fair that some of us have to struggle so much.

All that to say, I'm sorry for your loss and for the angry/jealous feelings that you're going through, but you're not alone. I shut down my facebook page when I found out about my loss and that has helped, I actually don't miss it at all so am thinking about making that permanent. I'm trying to shield myself from other people's happiness as much as possible, I can't take it right now.

nkemery · October 2013

Thank you all so much, I don't have to feel crazy when I talk to you guys.

Yesterday I had to go back for a follow up appointment (my levels have STILL not hit zero. But I'm down to 33) and I had a total breakdown. Had a panic attack (my usual blood pressure of 112/60 was up to 145/82) and cried for the majority of my time there until my very kind doctor came in.

Several women had brought their new babies in and literally EVERYONE else there had a little baby bump. About the size mine should be by now.

It was rough, but crying it out felt a lot better than being angry

aschultz9 · October 2013

So sorry. I work in an ob office. I literally look at or talk to pregnant and miscarrying women all day. I have to read d&c reports and see new babies and give breastfeeding advice etc. It is very very hard. I cry everynight on my way home.

jtwhitworth · October 2013

Yes I often feel the same way! I just suffered my second consecutive miscarriage and three of my friends got pregnant around the same time as my first pregnancy. My best friend has her baby shower coming up in less than a month and I cried so hard when I was shopping for her gift. I get so jealous and bitter when I see other people with baby bumps; sometimes it ruins my day. I know exactly what you are going through!

SaranJonathan · October 2013

I know exactly how you feel. I am bitter sad and jealous!

hadley135 · October 2013

So sorry for your loss and these feelings you are having. I agree that facebook can be a bad thing right now. I felt a little guilty to feel jealous of my sister in law who is pregnant (we were 4 weeks apart), but I know these feelings should fade with time. Thoughts and hugs coming your way.

jesslowry · October 2013

I am so glad you posted this. I totally understand. We have been waiting for a long time to start trying for babies. ( we've been together since 15 and wanted to be married and finish grad school first). It took us two months to conceive and last night our ob said that our pregnancy wasn't going to make it. It makes me so mad to look at couples who got knocked up in high school and didn't wait and plan like we did. And now here we are ready with no baby. We are so disappointed. It can be really hard to be optimistic but I know we have to try! And it is hard not to go through those cute preggo and baby pictures... But we must do it for our hearts sake!!! Good luck to you!

jesslowry · October 2013

Oh and I have a good friend who had the same due date as I did... I haven't seen her since we got the news... It's going to be really hard.

masterofallcheese · November 2013

so understandable.... i have a coworker who is pregnant and aside from the daily visual reminder i have to hear all about it. and see ultrasound pics. which is actually sometimes worse, maybe because i never got a picture to remember my sweet little angel.

Rebekahfarout · November 2013

This is me today, thanks for posting

egdupont6 · November 2013

I definitely understand. I was supposed to be having our 1st next week but lost it in May. I feel like everyone has pregnancy success stories around me. I've been so sad and bitter lately, I can't wait for this month to be over.

emilystadther · November 2013

My best friend is 37 weeks right now and we work together so I see her just about everyday....I know EXACTLY how you feel. I wish I could tell how to not feel that way but I lost my first baby august 25th and wow its just a long process. Many things send me over the edge; I hate being that way but I just want to scream. There are two things that I do that involve pinterest (I dont have facebook so I get on pinterest instead)...depending on how I feel that day I will either search miscarriage or pin baby stuff. When you search miscarriage it is a lot of blogs and quotes that always help me but sometimes I just want to look at baby stuff and dream about having a little one. Good luck with everything. I know it is hard

alm288 · November 2013

jesslowry said:
I am so glad you posted this. I totally understand. We have been waiting for a long time to start trying for babies. ( we've been together since 15 and wanted to be married and finish grad school first). It took us two months to conceive and last night our ob said that our pregnancy wasn't going to make it. It makes me so mad to look at couples who got knocked up in high school and didn't wait and plan like we did. And now here we are ready with no baby. We are so disappointed. It can be really hard to be optimistic but I know we have to try! And it is hard not to go through those cute preggo and baby pictures... But we must do it for our hearts sake!!! Good luck to you!

I could have written most of this too. We've been together for over 10 years and wanted to finish college - I wanted to go to grad school - twice. Oh well, I've spent the past couple years working my way up the career ladder so we can give our children the lives we think they deserve. I did NOT ever think this was going to happen. I was worried that maybe I'm not as fertile as I was 10 years ago but not this. It makes me jealous to see very young mothers or certain groups with their babies when I tried to do everything right and don't have one. We were so excited. Hopefully our rainbow babies are just around the corner. It's hard to watch others have it now though!

Tkparry16 · November 2013

We know how hard it is to have a loss, but we have to remember that one day we will be beautifully pregnant and have sweet babies of our own, And there will be others who are secretly watching out enjoyment while they are greiving and aching. I try not to be too jealous and bitter, and try to be happy for them but it is really hard.

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