10 Things Not to Say to a NICU Mom

vulpini · October 2013

https://www.mommyish.com/2013/10/18/10-things-say-nicu-mom/

I got a version of "what did you do?" from my dad when I called to say I was at the hospital in labor early. Awesome, thanks for the suggestion. I wasn't already lying here with an IV in my arm and hooked up to monitors wondering the same thing over and over for hours.

And I hear “you don’t even look like you had a baby!” pretty regularly from random acquaintances, including the receptionist at my OB's office. Yeah, thanks. That would be because I never got to grow to a full-term belly. I would have preferred to have a bigger gut now instead of NICU memories.

KTZ17 · October 2013

I still get "you look like you never had a baby!" and I usually respond that I would have rather gained 20 more pounds and had a full term baby. I freaking hate when people say that to me. Like anyof us see that as a huge advantage! I also hear she couldn't wait to come out a lot. No, actually the day she was delivered she had a fantastic ultrasound and was quite content in there. It was my high blood pressure and elevated liver enzymes that caused them to take her out. I'm sure she would have much preferred staying in her cozy environment instead of being cold and hooked up to tubes and IVs. Ugh. So I agree with the list!!!

ashleymarie512 · October 2013

I got the "she couldn't wait" comment a lot too. Actually my body evicted her at 30w due to preeclampsia and HELLP. She had no choice.

Thanks for posting, I relate to almost every one!

[Deleted User] · October 2013

I am getting the "you look great" comments a lot. I know people mean well, bit it is NOT a good thing that I am back in my regular clothes a week and a half after giving birth! I would much rather have gained the extra 10 or so pounds I would have gained if I had gone full term!

direy25 · October 2013

Yep, ditto the "you look great / doesn't even look like you had a baby." I know people mean well but damn it, I wanted to be big & pregnant & carry my baby to term.

Throw3ks · October 2013

I take it all in stride. People say stupid things when they feel awkward or uncomfortable or when they don't know what to say. I'm sure we have all put our foot in our mouths before and now that it's happening to us we can't believe it.
I enjoyed all congratulations I got...We celebrated that our daughter was alive. The outcome could have been so much different.

ashleymarie512 · October 2013

Throw3ks said:
I take it all in stride. People say stupid things when they feel awkward or uncomfortable or when they don't know what to say. I'm sure we have all put our foot in our mouths before and now that it's happening to us we can't believe it.
I enjoyed all congratulations I got...We celebrated that our daughter was alive. The outcome could have been so much different.

You are absolutely right, what great perspective

My sister is one of those people who makes foot in mouth comments because she's uncomfortable.

One of the most awkward, but sweetest, comments came from my 8-year-old nephew who told me very shyly that he "hopes the baby makes it". She was not really in any danger of not making it at that point, but I could tell his comment was coming from the sweetest place.

DrRx · October 2013

I had all of those things said to me. It was one thing for a stranger to say it, but when it was family it got really annoying and insensitive. Grr. I chose not to focus on it because those same people who made asinine comments were also the same people who in the next breath would tell me how much they prayed for my little girl.

rslhmg · October 2013

I heard the one about at least you get to sleep, a lot. I actually ended up being prescribed sleeping medication because I was unable to sleep, and even then I felt so guilty for the long hours of sleep and not being able to wake up and pump that I didnt take them past the first night I had them. I tried to take everything in stride, but I was a wreck. I didnt lose it on people unless they were just outright rude, but there were a number of times I broke down after.

Pips09 · October 2013

I got my share of these, and some upset me more than others. But the gifs are pretty spot-on with the reaction I'd have.

Brummy14 · October 2013

I also got my share of these -- especially the "you don't look like you had twins at all!" comment. Meh.

I definitely wasn't sleeping. Getting my supply up for twins meant I slept no longer than 2 hours at a time for months.

I also was told once my girls were a couple of months old that they no longer "looked like aliens."

WTF.

Nita14701 · October 2013

YES!!! the gif's made the faces that I was thinking in my head and trying not to make.

jbranden12 · October 2013

spot on! We got plenty of stupid things said to us after our first daughter was stillborn as well, so I get that people just don't know what to say.

KTZ17 · October 2013

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

Omg I love this so much.
So tempted to post this on FB where two of my "friends" are complaining about how "large" they feel & want the baby out.

@M&MHaveMyHeart Do it! You have my blessing! Eta fixed your name...oops

bennyandthejets13 · October 2013

DS was born on mother's day and every time I tell people my story and how unexpected he came they always say DS decided to come early as his gift to me... it wasn't a gift to come that early it was like a nightmare. I try to take it in stride and just say yea well a better gift would of been to stay put until father's day like we planned but that didn't happen.

Cristie2225 · October 2013

I'm in hosp 28.5 will deliver any day they say. My sister just got a puppy and a text to my mom with a picture saying "hi grandma" my mom almost had a heart attack thinking it was a text from me for a split second. Such poor taste. Then she instagramed a pic with her and new husband and puppy #and then there were 3. Really?

Not to mention she was supposed to come see me for the weekend. (We made plans a month ago) I told her not to come because " I don't know where I will be in week" she responds happily " you might be home with a babyyyy" I wanted to reach thru the phone and shake her into 2014.

CreEspree · October 2013

The worst thing I heard was from a friend who had her daughter the same day as I had my son. She would constantly say "You're so lucky.. I wish I could've left my baby at the hospital for a few weeks. I'm so tired of hearing her crying and having to tend to her all the time."
Like really? Several times I wanted to punch her in her face. Needless to say.. We were no longer friends.

conradtn · October 2013

I'm amazed how many of these were said to me!

I feel like I was cheated out of my 3rd Trimester.

ashleymarie512 · October 2013

conradtn said:
I'm amazed how many of these were said to me!

I feel like I was cheated out of my 3rd Trimester.

Me too!! After I was discharged and saw women in third tri I was so jealous! I still feel cheated out of a lot of things.

KTZ17 · October 2013

ashleymarie512 said:

I'm amazed how many of these were said to me!

I feel like I was cheated out of my 3rd Trimester.
Me too!! After I was discharged and saw women in third tri I was so jealous! I still feel cheated out of a lot of things.

Me too, @ashleymarie512 and @conradtn! I get jealous when I see women with big pregnant bellies and feel like my pregnancy was stolen from me. But then I have to remind myself that my baby is here and thriving. I just hope I get another chance for a full term pregnancy, or at least no NICU time. I want that experience of having my baby in the room with me and leaving with me.

ashleymarie512 · October 2013

KTZ17 said:

ashleymarie512 said:

conradtn said:
I'm amazed how many of these were said to me!

I feel like I was cheated out of my 3rd Trimester.
Me too!! After I was discharged and saw women in third tri I was so jealous! I still feel cheated out of a lot of things.

Me too, @ashleymarie512 and @conradtn! I get jealous when I see women with big pregnant bellies and feel like my pregnancy was stolen from me. But then I have to remind myself that my baby is here and thriving. I just hope I get another chance for a full term pregnancy, or at least no NICU time. I want that experience of having my baby in the room with me and leaving with me.

@KTZ17, I just had a semi pity party over this the other night! I was just really disappointed that everything wasn't according to "plan". I was bummed my first year photos are messed up bc a two month hospital stay and that my maternity leave was spent sitting at home bc DD is tethered to oxygen and apnea monitor and it makes leaving a total pain. But you're right, once I reminded myself that she's home, thriving, and so super sweet, I felt better...and then I felt guilty! I just get in these mindsets about how all this isn't how I imagined and get frustrated.

KTZ17 · October 2013

ashleymarie512 said:

ashleymarie512 said:

I'm amazed how many of these were said to me!

I feel like I was cheated out of my 3rd Trimester.
Me too!! After I was discharged and saw women in third tri I was so jealous! I still feel cheated out of a lot of things.

Me too, @ashleymarie512 and @conradtn! I get jealous when I see women with big pregnant bellies and feel like my pregnancy was stolen from me. But then I have to remind myself that my baby is here and thriving. I just hope I get another chance for a full term pregnancy, or at least no NICU time. I want that experience of having my baby in the room with me and leaving with me.
@KTZ17, I just had a semi pity party over this the other night! I was just really disappointed that everything wasn't according to "plan". I was bummed my first year photos are messed up bc a two month hospital stay and that my maternity leave was spent sitting at home bc DD is tethered to oxygen and apnea monitor and it makes leaving a total pain. But you're right, once I reminded myself that she's home, thriving, and so super sweet, I felt better...and then I felt guilty! I just get in these mindsets about how all this isn't how I imagined and get frustrated.

@ashleymarie512 Sometimes I just feel like why did this happen to me when I did everything right and meanwhile there are other women out there who take all sorts of risks and have full term, healthy babies? But, like you, I feel guilty comparing and not just appreciating what I have, especially because my sister and a close friend have fertility problems. But my pregnancy and birth weren't the way I always had imagined them, and it still makes me cry sometimes.

megs2011 · October 2013

Yup! I got a lot of these. Sleeping didn't happen because I was up every 3 hours to pump to get my supply up to feed 2 babies. I wanted to be huge and pregnant. Broke my heart to walk out of the hospital after I was discharged with empty belly and empty arms. Also, I had massive guilt every time I left.

bennyandthejets13 · October 2013

CreEspree said:
The worst thing I heard was from a friend who had her daughter the same day as I had my son. She would constantly say "You're so lucky.. I wish I could've left my baby at the hospital for a few weeks. I'm so tired of hearing her crying and having to tend to her all the time."
Like really? Several times I wanted to punch her in her face. Needless to say.. We were no longer friends.

What the hell?! How could someone say that? Don't get me wrong it is hard with a newborn whether they're preemie or not but still! All of us preemie moms are yearning and still upset that our babies had to go through such hard times but to wish it for you baby is just insane! I wouldn't want to he friends with someone like that either.

CreEspree · October 2013

evelyn602 said:

CreEspree said:
The worst thing I heard was from a friend who had her daughter the same day as I had my son. She would constantly say "You're so lucky.. I wish I could've left my baby at the hospital for a few weeks. I'm so tired of hearing her crying and having to tend to her all the time."
Like really? Several times I wanted to punch her in her face. Needless to say.. We were no longer friends.
What the hell?! How could someone say that? Don't get me wrong it is hard with a newborn whether they're preemie or not but still! All of us preemie moms are yearning and still upset that our babies had to go through such hard times but to wish it for you baby is just insane! I wouldn't want to he friends with someone like that either.

She's had 3 more kids since then.. And has custody of none of them. Go figure.

conradtn · October 2013

KTZ17 said:

ashleymarie512 said:

I'm amazed how many of these were said to me!

I feel like I was cheated out of my 3rd Trimester.
Me too!! After I was discharged and saw women in third tri I was so jealous! I still feel cheated out of a lot of things.

Me too, @ashleymarie512 and @conradtn! I get jealous when I see women with big pregnant bellies and feel like my pregnancy was stolen from me. But then I have to remind myself that my baby is here and thriving. I just hope I get another chance for a full term pregnancy, or at least no NICU time. I want that experience of having my baby in the room with me and leaving with me.

I guess something else that was hard is seeing everyone have visitors for their baby (obviously we didn't) or their rooms were decorated (mine wasn't). I wanted to scream down the halls that I had a baby too.

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