The last straw...

ssppvat12 · October 2013

Warning, I am just venting... I don't want to hear your success stories, I don't want to hear words of encouragement, I don't want advice. I just want a place that I can vent my peace of mind to people that hopefully know where I'm coming from. Sorry to sound harsh but today was my last straw.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for some time and have been labeled infertile of our own trying. We are on clomid and do feel like we are getting anywhere. I have had female health problems and have a history of difficulty conceiving in the female line of my family. The first part of our ttc was fine, no real issues came up, flow came and went, and we just went on living our lives and enjoying it. The first frustration came around Father's Day. We got married in May and his brother was engaged the month before and married 5 months after us. Their plan was to wait a couple of years because they were in ministry and wanted to do mission work. I have an older sister-in-law that had (at that time) one child and the three of us girls would get together once a month to chit chat and have some girl time. This is when I chose to divulge in them that my husband and I were trying to conceive. They were very supportive and prayed for us all the time. Well, my older sister-in-law announced after Christmas that she was pregnant, and that following Easter, she announced she was pregnant with twins. This was an exciting time of all of us. I was actually happy for them. I knew they were trying so that is probably why it didn't bother me. Father's Day rolled around and my younger sister-in-law announced to the whole fam-dam-ily that they were expecting. It wasn't planned, not expected, it just happened. On the ride home, my husband pulled off on the side of the road why I wept uncontrollably. From that point on, I could not be happy for anyone. To know that (I know not in her power) she had gotten pregnant without trying to or wanting to and we sat there frustrated because flow was due to show and did just like every month before that.

Well, from that point on, I have had, and I kid you not, a dozen girls, some friends, some co-workers, announce they were pregnant. More recently was Monday, my good friend and hair dresser announced she was pregnant, not expecting it, Tuesday my cousin announced her daughter-in-law (40 years old) was due with their 6th child and didn't know if she really wanted it or not, and then today a co-worker announced she is pregnant and due on my birthday. I sat there in silence, clenching my chair arm and gritting my teeth to hold back tears (not a good place to loose my cool during a work meeting).

I don't know what I am more upset about: all these people popping up pregnant or the fact that I know we missed our opportunity this month when it was almost a guarantee we could possibly be successful this month. I ovulated late and during the time I would have, we had prime opportunity, and we did take it. When I knew it was getting close, I was sick with a UTI. The day before I ovulated, he didn't want to because he wanted to finish watching a football game. By the time it was done, I was sleeping (10:30pm). The day I did ovulated, he was sick and was too run down. We tried that morning but nothing. I was even a half hour late and I kept thinking that if we didn't care, I wouldn't have been late, it wouldn't have been lost time. Now I am just sitting at home, on the verge of tears, strong drink in hand, and at my wits end. I'm just done. I don't want to do this anymore unless its guaranteed and unfortunately, we can't afford guarantee.

I can't do it and maybe that's what I am ultimately asking: how do you get past this and move on? Thanks for reading my vent and sorry I sound like an awful person.

TravelingCouple · October 2013

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I know it must be hurtful hearing about all the pregnancies when you just want to be pregnant yourself. I'm just wondering, were you told by a doctor that you're infertile after running tests? I ask because you said this month could've been successful when you had first said you're infertile so I'm a bit confused. If you are truly done trying to get pregnant then this may not be the right board to get support from as we are all still trying to get pregnant. You might find more support in the board Child Free not by Choice. Or, if you do want children but are dealing with IF, try the IF board. Again, sorry you're dealing with this and I wish you the best.

vikinggirl4 · October 2013

I hope you feel better after venting. I know you said you didn't want advice, but here's mine: if it's not working, change something. Go see your doctor for a new plan. My T&P's are with you, for peace and success.

EmeJay · October 2013

I don't think you're an awful person. It sucks, that's the truth.

The only thing I can tell you is to not look at "missed opportunities" and be sad or mad about them. You don't know what would have happened.

Stick around here. This community is great and full of knowledge. It helps to go through this.

Have another drink and good luck!

cakebatter27 · October 2013

Everyone on this board is trying to get pregnant...welcome aboard! As for advice, although you didn't ask for it, I'd speak with your doctor about alternate methods if you're unhappy about what is/isn't happening.

ssppvat12 · October 2013

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I was harsh but I just can't get a handle on my feelings right now. My husband and I have been married for over a year but have been trying since before that. My dr wants me to stick with clomid until after the first of the year and then get more tests done. They came back normal last time so it is unexplained infertility until there is something more concrete or we've exhausted all our options. From an emotional stand point, I'm done. From a physical stand point, we want a family so bad so we are, of course the reason why I posted on this board, ttc. Another question I'm trying to answer is how can I get back to feeling like I did before Father's Day, happy and just going with the flow?

vikinggirl4 · October 2013

I feel like after everything I've heard about clomid, your doctor wanting you on it for an entire year with no success is raising some big red flags in my book. Have you thought about getting a second opinion?

TravelingCouple · October 2013

ssppvat12 said:
Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I was harsh but I just can't get a handle on my feelings right now. My husband and I have been married for over a year but have been trying since before that. My dr wants me to stick with clomid until after the first of the year and then get more tests done. They came back normal last time so it is unexplained infertility until there is something more concrete or we've exhausted all our options. From an emotional stand point, I'm done. From a physical stand point, we want a family so bad so we are, of course the reason why I posted on this board, ttc. Another question I'm trying to answer is how can I get back to feeling like I did before Father's Day, happy and just going with the flow?

In that case, welcome to the board, this is a great community. I wasn't sure where you stood from your OP. Hope you find some comfort.

runforcookies · October 2013

I wish I could give you advice on how to get back to feeling like you did, because I wish I knew how. I don't think there is any but doing things you enjoy and surrounding yourself with people who make you laugh have helped me.

As far as the Clomid goes, I hope you are seeing an RE and aren't under the care of an OB who are notorious for not monitoring properly and not doing all the tests. I know you said all the tests came back normal but exactly what tests have you and DH had done? This plays a major part because let's say you have a blocked tube, all the Clomid in the world won't get your pregnant and could be causing long term damage in the meantime.

designer303 · October 2013

Totally agree with op get a second opinion from a reproductive endocrologist. We tried clomid for maybe 4 cycles before it was clear that it was not going to do the trick. We then moved on to other treatments. We also had/ have unexplained infertility, but there are lots of treatment options with that diagnosis.
Aside from that advice I think a lot of us have been and are where you are, and it does suck. You will not likely get back to your total happy normal self until you have your family, but in the mean time find a hobby or plan a trip, you need to focus on other things or this will continue to consume you and so will the feelings you are having. Some pregnancy announcements will be harder than others and honestly until you start feeling a little better get off Facebook and other places where you might be more exposed to them. Other than that once you are happier the announcements might not bother you quite as much. Good luck

Ceridwen21 · October 2013

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best. One of my friends dealt with IF and found therapy to be extremely helpful for dealing with her emotions.

bluebird0521 · October 2013

Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry I was harsh but I just can't get a handle on my feelings right now. My husband and I have been married for over a year but have been trying since before that. My dr wants me to stick with clomid until after the first of the year and then get more tests done. They came back normal last time so it is unexplained infertility until there is something more concrete or we've exhausted all our options. From an emotional stand point, I'm done. From a physical stand point, we want a family so bad so we are, of course the reason why I posted on this board, ttc. Another question I'm trying to answer is how can I get back to feeling like I did before Father's Day, happy and just going with the flow?

If you are unhappy all of the time that is something I would seek help for. I can definitely understand getting upset with so many people around you having children. I gave birth to my son in April (he was stillborn) and since then 5 people have become pregnant and they are all close family (sisters) and friends. Yes, I cried and was upset. I am not upset anymore, it was just when I found out. Is it like that for you? If so, that is totally understandable. However, if you dwell on it and every day you are upset, even when it is not mentioned...that is something I would talk to a professional about.

Maybe find something to keep you busy. I know it sounds silly but honestly, we have to try and do other things that we enjoy to keep ourselves happy. If I thought about this every minute of the day, I would have been insane by now. Hopefully you can find something that works for you to keep yourself positive.

mak7788 · October 2013

I have no advice for you at this time, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this and you're in my thoughts and prayers :-(

bwo · October 2013

Sorry you are feeling so down! I don't have any advice but I hope you feel better after venting and that stiff drink. Hugs.

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