XH's lazy ass is showing.
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And I am sure it's because R is picking up the slack and mothering him.
He calls, DD is being obstinate and doesn't want to talk, so XH asks me what I'm doing for Halloween. ONCE AGAIN, I tell him how I'm taking her around a couple of blocks in my neighborhood, to a couple of friends houses that live close, and my aunt's house. I said if he doesn't get her for Halloween, I am going I might take her to the East Village event the next night. This is how well he listens..."You're bringing her here?" I tell him "NO! Not once in that sentence of in past conversations or my email did I state I was ever bringing her to your town. WHY would I??"
He asks about the email and I tell him to just read it. He then asks if he picks up DD for Trick or Treat, will I come get her. Uh. That would be another no. You want her on an off night - you pick her up and bring her back - OR, keep her and take her to daycare the next morning.
Which led to the next discussion. He thinks 6:30 AM is too early for her and he doesn't want to do that. So I ask, "Well what are you going to do with her when you have her for a full week?" (I have to go to Chicago on business) He says he'll work that out later. Which I know to mean, R will take her. I tell him, "Well R is not o the list for drop off and pick up. Only my sister, Me, and You. 6:30 is not too early because I will be dropping her off that early this winter and she's going to start going to bed at 8PM now instead of 9 when the time changes. It's time she get on track with a better bed time hour." He starts to argue with me about why R is not on the list. I tell him. "When I signed DD up there I didn't know R and to be honest, I really didn't know if she'd last. I still have not met her and until I do, she's not going to be on the list until I'm comfortable with it." He starts to argue and I tell him, "I'm not arguing with you. You are DD's father. You are on your way to town. I find it a bit ridiculous that you are going to make your girlfriend drive 30 minutes to drop off YOUR child when you can easily take her. But whatever." He tries to argue back and I say calmly, "I'm sorry, but I'm not discussing this with you." and I hang up.
He's left a message. I've deleted it. I text him, "Please let me know by noon Wednesday if you're taking her trick or treating Thursday." I send him a second one and say that if it's too much trouble for him to take DD to daycare, I'll make other arrangements while I'm out of town." We do not have a first right of refusal and it's my time with DD. So I can do whatever I want. From now on, I'm not telling him when I'm out of town. I'm just having my mom come to town to care for DD.
So here's my thing - if he takes DD that week, he could very well give R that code to get in and drop off DD. So do I tell daycare to take/receive DD when R drops her off and tell R she is not approved and to please have K drop off and pick up? R is only on a do not pick up list. It says nothing about drop off.
Or should I remove her from the list?
I still have not met this woman. She's been conveniently gone every time at pick up.
Re: XH's lazy ass is showing.
So, he is going to let r do all the work. And you're not surprised bc that is his pattern. Well just let it go... He is going to do that. Let him and don't fight it. It will only get you agitated.
And since you dont have rofr, I would never offer it to him again. Save yourself the agrivation.
Dont give him the extra time with her if it is a real problem for you. But bottom line, I don't think you can control who drives her to DC on his time.
It comes down to this I guess. I figure if he wants to be difficult and make everyone else do all his work, then why bother offering up that time? He'll get her per the CO and that's that. But then...he needs to re-read and understand the CO first. Which he does not apparently.
He's not getting her during my Chicago trip. I'm going to have Mom watch her.
I was trying to be nice, but it always gets me in trouble.
Last night I had already conceded and told him fine. Do what you want. I dont care. I did it early on in the discussion but he kept pushing for a fight.
Long story short. I apologized too and told him that he can take DD that week if he wants. I dont care how he handles it. I made sure he understood that 90% of the time I have DD and I make it work. Its just me. And to insult that is a bit inappropriate when he pushes all of that to R to do for him.
I reminded him that was one of his mistakes with XSD. She often mentioned how everyone else took care of her and not het own parents.
He actually agreed with me! But i dont anticipate him changing. And i guess i will have to learn to let go.
So he is getting her that week. But I am not offering it again. He doesnt know that part yet.
He says he will talk to R about us meeting and I said a few minutes at pick up is fine.
We will see if this doesnt explode again in the next two weeks.
Right now I would not offer him any switches or anything else. Not because he doesn't deserve them, but because at this time the less you interact with him, the better. Sticking to CO = less need for communication. The two of you are playing games.
I mean this gently, but when I read your posts I get the feeling you are not yet over him (and I would say the same about him not being over you) - anything to do with his new gf sets you on edge and puts you on the attack. Better to back away from the crazy.
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It's not that I'm not over HIM. It that I am not over the bullshit and more is coming to light that is just rubbing new salt in old wounds. There's been a lot more that has taken place over this past month that I'm not even mentioning but I am getting tired of XH and his crap. I try to co-parent. I try to be nice. I shut my mouth, shut my mouth, and then I explode. Or in this case - I didn't explode, I just retaliated.
It's hard to respect him when he doesn't respect his relationship with R and it's making me realize he probably did the same things behind my back when we were dating and married. It's made me realize how stupid and blind I was. Again. new salt in old wounds. And to have to sit back and watch things happen over and over again ...it's sickening.
I know I have to move on and past it. It's a process. I had a counseling session today and discussed a lot. I'll just keep working at it.