My sex life sucks.

BeebopandBuddy · October 2013

I know it's early for this, but I can't get it off my mind, so here goes.

It feels like sex is just another task I need to get done. We have been going about 2 weeks, sometimes longer, between having sex. Part of the problem is DH only wants to do it before bed, and I want to sleep. I will do it any other time, but he thinks that's awkward.

The other issue is DH is affectionate, but not romantic. He rarely compliments me or tries to create any kind of mood. He just expects me to turn it on when it's time and I can't do it. I mean, I'll go through the motions, but it's not enjoyable for me. I'm only willing to do that so often.

We did talk about it a couple of weeks ago and I explained to him that I need him to make me feel like doing it. I can't go from cleaning pee off the floor, doing laundry and making hot dogs for dinner to feeling sexy and ready to do it. He said he understood, but nothing has changed. The list of things I just gave happened last night, then we go up to bed and he is trying to rub all over me. I had to play dead until he gave up.

He wants bedtime, same-way-all-the-time, routine sex. I want any other time, way, place sex. I have tried to tell him, show him, etc. but it keeps coming back to the same issues. I love him and I'm attracted to him. I think about having sex with him often during the day at work or at home, but we can't seem to coordinate. He says he understands, but he clearly doesn't because I know he wants to fix things too. Help!

misspunky · October 2013

I'm sorry. I have no advice as I could've written this. I'll be watching this thread!

kbbgg · October 2013

I don't have a ton of advice but I think it's awesome you dudes are talking about it.
I find the sex gets better the more often we do it. Like, I get in the mood a lot faster and GG is way more open when we're banging it out daily/every second day.
As for the night thing, try making a compromise? If you get it done at night he banks a morning or something.
The more sex you have the more a person craves it so you and husband just need to start getting it done and I bet you'll get on the same page.

BPer · October 2013

I finally got H to come around to nap time sex. He always wanted it at night, until I gave him a couple of awesome sex seshes during DD's nap time. Now he knows that he can get some mediocre, phoning-it-in type sex at night, or great sex if he just waits a day or so. It's worked out well so far. Even if it's only a couple if times a week, it's good enough to satisfy us both.

AKB090609 · October 2013

I'm sorry your dealing with that, it sucks. Good for you telling him what you want! I don't have any real advise, but could you try 'getting things started' after you put the kids to bed and before you guys get ready for bed?

watercolor5 · October 2013

I agree with PP that it's awesome you are communicating openly. It sounds like you may have to spell things out even more for your DH as far as what steps he can take to be romantic/ create a mood/ what you need to do to stop feeling like Mommy and unwind enough to feel sexy. I know I reach a certain point of exhaustion at night that makes sex pretty much impossible for me, so if it doesn't happen before that point it's pointless to try.

If you're thinking about him in the middle of the day, or want sex at a time he finds awkward, let him know what you're thinking and take steps to initiate. It might really help too if you can find a babysitter and institute a weekly/biweekly/monthly date night to clear your mind of kids and chores and reconnect a bit. We try to trade off date nights with another couple we know with kids so we can all get the time away that we need to feel sexy, flirt with our spouses, and build up our marriages without having to pay for a babysitter all the time.

I know it can be really depressing when sex is a chore that you don't want to do, but keep working at it- working through those times can really make a marriage stronger.

Pokedot · October 2013

I think it's awesome that you are communicating your wants and needs to DH. I'm kind of like you in the fact that I'm not going to get all revved up when it's been a long day. I want to sit, relax and enjoy some peace and quiet. Sex is like the last thing on my mind!

I've noticed like another PP said that when you have it more you want it more. It's been over a month since we've had sex. I know DH is going crazy but I'm not into it. I think my hormones are off too. Like you, I just need to do it! So that's my solid advice, just do it! GL! Here's hoping we both have some enjoyable sex soon!

Hyaline · October 2013

Agreed that open communication is a huge first step, so kudos on that. And agreed, also, on compromising, and that sex begets sex. Agree to more bedtime sex, and maybe spice it up at bedtime (you say he likes same old vanilla--maybe bring a new position or role playing or whatever gets you going into play at the time he prefers?). Or agree that for every two bedtime "sessions," you get another time of day session.

As for getting in the mood first--yes, he needs to be helping with this. But you can also take steps to feel sexy instead of mom-ish without him--maybe change clothes after dinner into something that makes you feel hot, or wear undies only you know you're wearing (and DH can discover later) that make you feel sexy. Fantasize about what you're going to do later while you do the dishes. Let the dishes sit until morning and pour each of you a glass of wine. Whatever floats your boat.

And show him/tell him what you need. Instead of vaguely saying "I need to get in the mood first" tell him "I would really love a backrub and some downtime with you after these dishes get done...maybe we can start on the couch and end up in the bedroom?" Or, again, whatever floats your boat.

Kissty · October 2013

I'll throw my 2 cents in. If you flirt with him will he flirt back? Try flirting with him earlier in the evening and have a little flirt session going on to get you to feeling a bit better and try going to bed a little earlier. Say 30 mins earlier. I'm sure he'll be all for going to bed earlier if he knows what in store for him. Apply the same thing to times when you want to have a little fun in the middle of the day. At least you guys are talking about things. Maybe if you show him (by flirting or some other way) he'll be better able to understand what it is that you are looking for to help him get what he wants. Good luck!

MarisaKathleen · October 2013

What works for us is getting everything done before we put Nancy to bed. We eat dinner as a family, DH cleans up the kitchen while N and I play, I get her ready for bed after her tub, then DH puts her down. While he's doing that, I clean up the toys and make sure the house doesn't look like we're baby hoarders. Then we both relax together. We usually watch tv until around 9-930, then we go to bed. We also always go to bed together. I don't know if any of that would work for you, but I find I'm much more into sex if I don't feel like I'm going to have 83 things to do when I get up in the morning and we're snuggled up together.

Good luck! :-)

MommaP12 · October 2013

MarisaKathleen said:

What works for us is getting everything done before we put Nancy to bed. We eat dinner as a family, DH cleans up the kitchen while N and I play, I get her ready for bed after her tub, then DH puts her down. While he's doing that, I clean up the toys and make sure the house doesn't look like we're baby hoarders. Then we both relax together. We usually watch tv until around 9-930, then we go to bed. We also always go to bed together. I don't know if any of that would work for you, but I find I'm much more into sex if I don't feel like I'm going to have 83 things to do when I get up in the morning and we're snuggled up together.

Good luck! :-)

This is EXACTLY what we do. It's a tornado in our house from 5:30-8 of dinner, baths, bedtimes, straightening, but it's worth it when we are on the couch vegging from 8-9:30 and then in bed snuggling and DTD from 9:30-10:30. Also, I agree with the "more often you do it, more often you'll want it" theory also so just get the ball rolling.

L8kissie · October 2013

Following. I'm in a similar boat. Maybe s12 will fix me too. Come on, Terri and Kenmare....

hmp1 · October 2013

DH likes night sex and I like fresh from the shower sex. We compromise by having night time sex during the week and weekend sex is during nap time. We each take a kid to put down for nap, meet in the shower for a little romance and in bed for the sex.

ktobin0519 · October 2013

My DH and I were in this same exact boat for quite a while. Like one of the posters said...I could have write the OP myself. I saw something on a show one time and we tried it and it worked wonders! You can use whatever you want, but the show suggested a cup and a marble and a specific time frame (for example, 2 days). We used a shot glass and a wine cork and kept the 2 day time frame. Whenever one of you is in the "mood" you take the marble and put it in the glass. When the other person sees it they have 2 days to act on it. It's a very simple way to communicate what you want. It also helps ALOT in the feeling of anticipation!!! Something just sparks when you know that the other person is "wanting" you! This might help you get things like hot dogs, laundry and household chores off your mind easier...maybe even daydreaming a little while you are doing those things. I suck at explaining stuff, but hopefully you get what I am trying to say!

ktobin0519 · October 2013

And..(since I can't seem to figure out how to edit my post) ....to give you an idea of how well it works...we went from me not remembering the last time we had had sex to twice a week now!

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